Bottom of the Barrel: Celebrity Art

May 14, 2008 on 3:45 pm | In Movies, Weak Attempt |

Way back in the days of Hollywood gone by, the big crossover stars were those who could take their vaudeville act to the radio. Radio was BIG and NEW and that routine you could do 8 nights a week for different crowds wasn’t so attractive after you’ve done it one or two times on the radio. Then the leap was made from radio to film. Not only did you have to be a sound performer, you had to look good too (slapstick was encouraged). Then off to television. And if you had enough balls, you’d be a television or movie star who put out an album. Joe Pesci did it, Eddie Murphy did it, Bruce Willis did it, all to very little success.

Now there’s another forum for celebrities. Index card art.

Just by checking eBay you can find completely untalented artists auctioning off their doodles for charity. Famous as they may be, these pieces just scream, “Stick to your day job, making millions of dollars.” Here are a few of the stand-outs or mediocrity that are selling for hundreds of dollars. Hundreds, people, hundreds.

Victoria Jackson
Victoria used to be on SNL, the blonde girl with the squeaky voice. I liked her parts on the show, and I think she was a great part of the cast. Apparently she found God at some point. Apparently she also bought a glowing carpet made of Corn Flakes that she uses to do handstands on while a flower is yelling comic book obscenities from its home on the cross. This may be part of her act.
Selling for: $78.78

Wanda Sykes
Wanda is a comedienne, however her doodle makes it look like she’s a magician who does hair (assuming this is a self-portrait, it’s a theme with many of the celebrity doodles). In her right hand is a plastic shower cap used when coloring hair, in the right is a magic Hogwarts wand that she uses to “Reducto!” grey hairs and the like. In this mini-adventure, “Wanda Sykes and the Chalice of Love,” Wanda has gone to the wizarding town of Hogsmeade, where she is accosted by a floating heart. With a flip of her wand, our hero causes its hair to fall out, and, embarrassed, it slinks away in shame. Also, she dyed someone’s hair at the same time.
Selling for: $330.00

Gillian Anderson
I’ll admit that I had a small crush on Gillian Anderson when she was on the X-Files, even though I rarely watched the show. I’ll also admit I have no f***ing clue what her math means. Here’s the best I can come up with:

School bus + Tree…wait…CHURCH! AHHHH! ABSTRACT CHURCH! + Flower Bugs Roots + Picket Fence + Base from GI Joe + Ark of Covenant + Cockatiel Dog = BIG LOVE and aliens

Yeah. I had a crush on her.
Selling for: $668

Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Julia has drawn a sneeze.

Selling for: $168

David Duchovny
David has gone all out and just drawn over every little part of the card. In fact, he didn’t know when he was supposed to stop, and he even voices his confusion in the piece itself. Why he didn’t keep this thought to himself is a mystery, although the fact that he wrote it is very indicative as to his confused mental state. I’m sure his scripts are full of notes like “Stop reading after period. That means sentence is done.” and “! means happy.”

Selling for: $405

Simon Pegg
No, I don’t think I’ll say anything about Simon Pegg, since it’s obviously his dog and he obviously loves it, and pet owners can be really violent to critics sometimes.

Selling for: $285