Our Video Game History Part II

May 25, 2008 on 6:44 pm | In Insanity, Weak Attempt, video games | 4 Comments

I knew I’d be returning to the DOS game site soon, and the more I read through it the more I found bizarre video games from the past. How I delighted in sharing with you what I have found! Oh joy! Let’s talk a walk through crappy video game land!

Asteroid! The game that comes with free photos of the banjo-playing kid from Deliverance! How does this cover accurately sell a game? How does this make you want to purchase this game above another sitting on the shelf? What the hell is that weird-eyed kid doing there? Is he part of the game? SO MANY QUESTIONS! And no desire to follow-up on them! Whip out that Wii banjo!

Let’s play detective! Judging by the Hebrew lettering on the box, this game was made in Israel. Therefore, the character on the box is probably Jewish. If you buy this game, you are purchasing something that focuses on a bald, fat, Jewish man as a protagonist. Now, that’s fine and dandy, Nintendo has made a fortune off of a fat Italian plumber. However, this game, the title of which “!e’2K” makes no sense to me, seems to involve throwing bricks, apples, and oxygen tanks at this bald, fat, Jewish man. Hamas Magazine rated this “Best Game Ever in the History of Time” and sent the publisher a card.

Civilization, over its decades of existence, has won countless gaming awards. Happily, Award Winners has also won awards, most importantly “Crazy Homeless Guy Game of the Year”. As an added bonus, the designer of this cover has forgotten that human beings have mass under their shirts and has colored that area the same as the sky. That, or he’s shouting because his torso has been bloodlessly removed from his legs and you can see the background through the hole.

When half the planet is experiencing day, HALF OF IT EXPERIENCES NIGHT! The best earth rotation simulator on the market! Now a full day’s rotation can be simulated in 30 minutes!

We’re not going to beat around the bush on this. It’s a game where Elvis Costello is tied up and raped by a desk PC.

This game is now being offered, unsolicited, to email users. Apparently my “g1rlfr11wnd wi11 l0ve it!”

The less said about this, the better.

This translates to “Federal League Manager Professional”. Obviously, the person on the cover is not playing the game very well if a car and airplane are crashing on the field. Now, a sports manager wouldn’t necessarily be in charge of stadium security, but if you have multiple on-field disasters like that, it probably has something to do with gameplay. But the real joy comes from creative use of the cropping tool.

More to come!