When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, and when life gives you awful video game art from the 80’s and 90’s, you jump on it. You pounce on it and you make it feel bad. You tell it that it will never get chocolate again, because it is so bad.
Yes, more video game art.
Oh, this is also probably a good place to say that the opinions on this site are my own, and in no way reflect those of Wizard Magazine, Wizarduniverse.com, or ToyFare Magazine. It’s all me, baby.
So…in the future we’ll be holding these games up as the standards of the past. Well, it’s 2008 CE, and I don’t recall the gaming world being irreversibly altered by a game where a man tries to save a floppy disk from a magnet, a fat man escaping from fattening food, or Michael Dukakis. Now, I’m not totally in touch with the gaming world, but there is the chance that “Temp the Tummy: Cholesterol Blaargh” was a major hit, but I’m 99.99% sure that the makers of Halo aren’t looking to that game for inspiration.
Despite the title, it’s about 100% obvious that this kid is not having anything even remotely resembling fun. He’s in his immaculately spotless room with a ton of sports equipment on a nice day yet he’s wasting his time watching a computer shoot out sparks. And he knows that his time could be better spent. Look at his arm positioning – it doesn’t say, “I’m ready to play Chuck Yeager’s Advanced Flight Simulator!” it says, “Curse this lupus, I am forced to stay indoors.” He could be surfing, but he’s not. He could be playing squash, but not that either. He could be skiing, but he’s not. Hell, he could even be hustling his ass down on the boulevard to pay for that sweet muscle car, but he’s not. All he’s doing is sitting there, barefoot, watching sparks fly out of his monitor. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why we needed the internet.
Heartlight: the game that undresses you with its eyes.
I suspect that this was one of those things that Kirk Cameron denounced as satanic once he found Jesus, but for the time being, he’s dressed as a teal knight being eaten by a meatball. For those of you who felt that his career had collapsed by the time his show Kirk was released, just remember that The Horde was released prior to that event. Also, some additional research turned up that when you installed early versions of this game on your computer, it would erase anything else you had saved. A perfect example of consumers actively and happily buying and installing a computer virus.
The only comment I have for the tagline to this game can best be summed up in an existing television show that used the same syntax for comical effect:
“Hey guys. I know we’ve been marketing extreme sports lately, and getting a lot of success from it, but I want to take this company in a new direction. I’m talking a sensible direction. No more wild head butts or hail Mary kicks. I want our next game to be sensible. Focus on dribbling, passing, and passively approaching the goal. There’s no need to go overboard on this at all, we just need to step back, take a breath, and play some slow, relaxed ball. Who’s with me?”
“HELLO! WELCOME TO TENNIS! YOU IS PRETTY LADY AND WE PLAY TENNIS! HELLO!”
WHA-? What the hell is this? Deformed hand baby + robot vulture + stupid geometrical house = video game. It’s in German which might explain a few things, since they like David Hasslehoff, but this is just a shoddy-looking cover. What the hell is wrong with that baby? And why did they add it to a perfectly good game cover where a giant robot vulture threatens a lighthouse? That in and of itself is cool, but the baby just ruins the game. So there’s a baby in it. Well, I don’t want to play a game with a baby, I’d rather play a game where a giant vulture robot tears up the coast. And if I find one baby in that game, back to the store it goes.
You buy this game, your name goes on a list in Washington DC. Good luck finding an apartment again, pervert.
“Hey man, got any spare gold?”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m just here to see the art gallery opening.”
“Oh, thazz ok man, thazz ok. I was jes’ hopin’ you might have some gold so I could buy a cuppa coffee.”
“Please, I’m telling you, I don’t have any spare gold. No leave me alone or I shall call the police.”
“Man, it don’t gotta be like that…why you gotta be like that? I fought in the Elf Wars. I’m a veteran.”
“I don’t believe that for a second. You probably just smoked too much pipeweed and never went to college.”
Level One: The bad guy cuts your head off.
Level Two: There is no Level Two.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Spanish Harlem
In this comic crime tale, young lothario Nemo (David Miller) finds himself the target of two gangs — one Latino and the other Italian — after foolishly impregnating a pair of mobsters’ daughters. To make matters worse, Nemo is in hock to a foaming-at-the-mouth hash dealer who wants his money within an hour. The cast also includes Oscar Medina, Steve De Vito and Derek Brantley, who plays Nemo’s best friend.
This is yet another entry into the genre of “ALL KINDS OF BAD S*** IS HAPPENING TO ME AND MY FRIENDS AND WE HAVE THIS CRAZY TIME LIMIT THING ON TOP OF IT ALL!” films, many of which pop up on Netflix each week. It’s a simple formula:
protagonist + minor personal trouble + helpful friends + major, life-threatening trouble with added time limit = movie
or, more simplified,
DVD rentals รท number of bored weirdos who Netflix anything that involves drugs (where the number =/= 0) = success of film in saturated market
There are tons of these films. Clean the house before mom and dad come home. Comically get rid of the body before the cops come. Pay off the bookie before he breaks your legs. It’s all comedic situations with a goofy best friend and usually a hot chick, although this film sounds like it took care of the sex early on. Rival gangs, hooo boy! You’re in for fun, filmgoer!
The part that really caught my eye was that the best friend was played by Derek Brantley. Who is Derek Brantley? I have no idea. IMDB has one entry for him and it’s for a 12-minute short film. So the last part of that sentence really doesn’t mean anything. Someone you’ve never heard of it playing a generic role – rent this! It’s not like the role of “best friend” is very coveted, like “with Anthony Hopkins as Richard III” or “with David Bowie as Nicola Tesla” or even “with Dennis Haskins as Mr. Belding.” In fact, “best friend” is so generic, you might as well say, “with Johnny Noname as policeman III.” I hope that the fact that Derek Brantley played the best friend was not the deciding factor in convincing someone to rent this movie.
But hey, at least the movie’s limited to one hour.
Like most people with low self-esteem and internet access, I will admit to googling my name. For those of you who think that googling is a sex act, let me set you straight. Go to Google and type in any word or phrase. Then the “search engine” (not really an engine, like in a car) will scour the entire world wide web for that phrase. Go ahead and type in “ethan kaye”. It’ll make my hit count go up.
Anyway, I’ve noticed that Ethan Kaye is not just me. It’s disturbing to think there are other me’s out there, although I’m sure that John Smith and Mike Miller run into themselves all the time with no incident. I don’t mind that other Ethan Kayes are spread throughout the world, and luckily none of us have been arrested for anything like multiple homicide.
But who else comes up when you search for my name? Who are these other Ethans? Let’s take a tour.
1. The Wrestler. >
Not actual photo
There is a kid who does some wrestling and baseballing (yeah, spell check’s having a problem with that word) named Ethan Kaye. Not going to say where he lives, but I’ve actually been in touch with him and his mom and they are both very nice people. Wrestler Ethan Kaye is the second most-popular Ethan Kaye on the internet, although it’s kinda scary to see someone’s weight posted a bunch of times on multiple webpages. I mean, the only time you’d normally be seeing weights of things on the internet is if you were buying something by the pound, like bulk candy or imported meats, like the $2,100-a-leg pork from Spain. And really, you wouldn’t be ordering people by the pound over the internet, although most Russian dating sites do list weights of the girls (I just checked http://www.anastasia-international.com/, which has now become my homepage. Rrrrrowr!)
2. The Spies
Everyone loves a little espionage webseries and, hey, here’s The Legacy! The agents above are “Ethan Fairchild” and “Kaye Corday.” I’m not sure who’s “playing” Ethan in that picture, but Kaye is definitely Darla from Angel. I know, I know, a lot of quotation marks and italics. Bear with me. See, Darla’s not in this series. Neither are Jerry Orbach, Katie Holmes, or Hugh Jackman, yet they are the photos that accompany the names on the “Agents” page. It’s actually an ongoing story about spies and the photos are just references for you to keep in your head as you’re reading The Legacy. So what is The Legacy? According to the site, it’s “A little known about department in an international espionage organization that specializes in security, anti-terrorism, trouble shooting ; a ring of covert operatives available to the highest bidder. “
How is this an Ethan Kaye? Put the two names together in a paragraph, like “Someone gets the jump on Ethan. Kaye plays a deadly game with Julian Black and Kevin uncovers a new power.” and ta-da, you’re in Ethan Kayeland.
I found this while searching through google. I’m not sure who this Ethan Kaye is (if he even is an Ethan Kaye, it’s just what it was tagged as), but I have to admit that his life looks damn awesome. I have no idea where he’s from, but damn, he’s got a ton of costumes. It makes me think I need to buy more hats. I don’t have a rainbow hat and I don’t have a hat with a flower in it. I don’t have my pirate hat anymore. Gosh, I’m…I’m getting old. WHERE ARE ALL OF MY HATS?
4. The Fictional Christian
Ah. I am also a character in the book “Healing Stones”, starring Sullivan Crisp. Ethan doesn’t get much press time, and I only found out that I’m in the book by finding it on a blog. I really hope that “Healing Stones” takes place on the moon, where I lead a rag-tag bunch of space mercenaries against evil elves or something. Then I fight Nazi vampires while sleeping with a bunch of babes. And then I punch some vampire so hard in the face that his face explodes. THAT would make “Healing Stones” an awesome book, but sadly, it doesn’t take place on the moon, there are no vampires, and it is said to “shatter the illusion enveloping many Christian institutional settings, while infusing healing, hope and a plan toward authenticity,” which to me means that no one’s getting thrown through a plate glass window into a tank of radioactive scorpions.
5. The Fan Fiction Power Ranger
I can be happy that I’m a wrestler, I can even take some pride in being a combination of two spies, but someone’s idea of a Blue Power Ranger for his fan fiction? That one rubs me the wrong way. The weird way, like when you pet a cat backwards. If you’d like to read it, it’s here, but for the sake of your sanity, here are the highlights of my career in blue tights.
“My new character Ethan was created for these fan fictions to keep things fresh. The idea of including a new character that was suddenly thrown into the life of being a super hero and looking at their adventures from a different point of view was interesting to me. In the stories, Ethan teases about the corny names of the monsters they fight, he wonders why his teammates dress up in clothes in the colors of their Ranger suits and is constantly surprised by the events of being a Ranger when the others have experienced these things before. In a lot of ways, he’s like an audience member thrown into these stories — he can’t believe he’s there and is constantly surprised by what happens next, but is wondering the same absurdities about all of these things that you or I would.“
Sigh.
“My new, created-just-for-my-Power-Rangers-fan-fiction-stories character Ethan, though, has his own personal reasons on why he doesn’t drink alcohol.“
Sigh.
“The character Ethan Kaye, who assumes the role of the new Blue Ranger, is actually a homage to Ethan Ramsey Cambias, the character played by James Scott on the soap opera “All My Children” from 2004 to 2006. n fact, the name “Ethan Kaye” is an amalgam of the character and Thorsten Kaye, who plays his father, Zach Slater, on the series. My character, Ethan, also happens to share the same date of birth with Mr. Scott, January 14th — which was eerily odd, considering this was something I found out about the actor AFTER I came up with the character’s birthdate.“
Sigh.
“Ethan doesn’t drink because his abusive father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death and his favorite color is blue.“
Double, triple, quadruple sigh. My favorite color is not blue.
So….
That’s the state of things. One wrestler, one costumer (who might be the wrestler, I dunno), and three fan fiction characters. I don’t know what I learned today. Probably that my name is easily created by squishing other names together, which is more than I knew when I woke up this morning. But it’s not a total wash. At least I found the Russian mail-order bride website.
I was reading a Yahoo news article this morning about American abuse of detainees in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo, and something weird presented itself.
As you may know, Yahoo news articles occasionally contain links within the document. Read a story about Ricky Nelson, you’ll find that his name might be underlined, and clicking on that link can bring you a bio of him. Read a story about Washington DC and click on the word “Washington DC” you might get the latest Beltway news. So imagine my surprise when I read this abuse article and find this paragraph:
“One Iraqi prisoner, identified only as Yasser, reported being subjected to electric shocks three times and being sodomized with a stick. His thumbs bore round scars consistent with shocking, according to the report obtained by The Associated Press. He would not allow a full rectal exam.“
“Rectal exam” was the link. Not only that, the only other links in the entire article were in the first paragraph for “Abu Ghraib” and “Guantanamo.” Three words in the article deemed important enough for additional linking, and one of them is “rectal exam.”
So, of course, I’m intrigued what the hell would come up when you investigate further. I mean, if there are additional news reports about rectal exams, enough for it to be a commonly searched term in Yahoo news, I want to know about it. So I click it and this comes up:
I know what you’re thinking: What the hell? I was thinking the same thing myself. Yahoo news must be playing a prank on us, using a horrible story about torture to make a lame butt joke.
Recently, a DVD was passed to me of the 1995 Chicago Comicon. And all I can say is Oh. My. God.
Well, that’s not entirely true, I’m a snarky mofo so I actually have lots to say, but it really is a mind-boggling blast from the past that SHOULD NOT BE. All copies of this should have been lost in a fire or something, but were not. Alas, there was no fire.
The DVD is interviews of the various creators at the con, hosted by Larry, played by this man:
and Victor, played by this man and a Muppet clinging to the back of his neck:
The DVD begins with a bang, as Larry preps us for the ride of BALLSTOTHEWALLINTERVIEWEXCITEMENT with the writer of The Hulk and “The Aquaman”, Peter David. He tells us that things were so crazy at this con they couldn’t talk to Mr. David until 2:15 in the morning, but something tells me that Larry’s lying and he got caught up in an extended game of Magic: The Gathering in his hotel room. Peter is still perky for 2:15 in the morning, but the person accompanying him (his wife, I suspect) was definitely not. You can see her draped on the piano to the right, as Larry drinks something.
Peter explains to his fans that Aquaman is not getting his hand back.
Larry then sits down with then-Catwoman artist Jim Balent. Sadly, Jim does not have a table, despite being on a hot book and having done a cover for Wizard recently (as shown behind him).
Larry puts his pants to the test as he actually bends his knees and sits with Jim, holding what appears to be a box of Kleenex under his arm throughout the interview. Whoah there, tiger! Catwoman might be hot and all, but at least wait until you get back to the hotel room!
And face front, true believers! There’ll be no staring at Phil Phoglio’s massive erection!
Tom Defalco’s next on the chopping block for Larry and his massive head, as he asks Tom what changes he would make if he was writing Spider-Man.
Happily, Tom shoves it in his face like a piece of wedding cake, as he tells Larry that he is, in fact, writing Spider-Man, and that Larry should have probably known that. “NO SOUP FOR YOU,” says Tom, and for Larry, that’s a major loss.
And stop that, XO Manowar! I already made the boner joke with Phil Phoglio!
I must apologize if there are people who really wanted to see more of Victor and his hair. He didn’t do as many interviews as Larry, and honestly? I didn’t want to sit through the entire ElfQuest interview. If you really want to know what happened, I can go back and look at the footage, but really, nothing’s really exciting with ElfQuest.
But if it’s excitement you want, there’s always the luscious lady of the night, Catwoman, who Larry interviews from an extremely short distance while wearing an unflattering T-shirt.
Larry, the expert in Freudian slips, manages to weave in the words and phrases “support,” “strong men,” “perverted,” “thing upcoming,” “hard,” and “what does the spread look like,” while staring alternately at her breasts and his own crotch. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what Dick Cavett wishes he was doing. And yes, he manages to get his arm around her no less than three times during the interview!
Things got even more off-track in the Zea Adams interview, where the background characters took center stage. First is the man on the left with the awful homemade hat (not the one in the middle with the awful homemade haircut).
I’m waiting for him to snatch a child, but in the 3 minutes of the interview he manages to keep his hands to himself. Then there’s this guy:
Who just wanders through. I can understand his confusion, as there was a hockey hair convention at that same venue, and he may have been disoriented by Victor’s lady lovely locks.
There are some striking things about this comic convention from 13 years ago, other than forbidden hair and jowls. The most important thing was the MONEY being tossed around. The 1990’s was a year of comic book decadence, where even the lowliest indie book could have a trading card series, action figures, six spin-offs, and a movie deal. Take, for instance, A Aron (or A Aaron, depending on your source):
Aaron describes his career to Larry, as Larry imagines a chicken dinner. He started his black & white “Adventures of Aaron” with a local newspaper in Kalamazoo, then picked up a few more papers, then a small marketer who sold him to a few more papers. The strip wasn’t syndicated nationwide yet, keep in mind. Then collections came along. Then the inevitable comic book – only one of which had been available by the time of this con. He describes a musical about his creation that was done in Kalamazoo that ran for 16 weekends, and their upcoming Christmas show. He had posters for sale, wall clocks, stand-ups, lunchboxes, headshots, T-shirts, and a CD-ROM interactive collection of the Aaron strip – all being sold at a booth that had credit card access. FOR A COMIC THAT WAS LOCALIZED IN KALAMAZOO AND RELEASED ONE ISSUE. That’s how much money was being tossed at these speculative properties. As he explains, the second issue deals with Aaron losing his hat. I am serious.
The weekly comic strip “Adventures of Aaron” ended four years after this interview. The comic is not listed on the Comic Book Database.
It’s an odd DVD. I’m surprised this footage exists, I’m more surprised I was able to get my hands on it. I have no idea how this was distributed, or if Larry and Victor are still doing interviews. I know that Peter David is still a top writer. I know Tom DeFalco is an editor for Cracked Magazine. I know that Jim Balent does a lot of girl art. I have no idea who that guy in the XO Manowar costume was or what his penis is doing these days.
I love Warren Ellis’s Transmetropolitan, I love Alan Moore’s Watchmen, and I love Garth Ennis’s Preacher. I love Black Books and Black Adder. I love Hot Fuzz, The Young Ones, and Q.I.. I love the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, the Clash, the Damned, and Oasis. And I love how the British Isles don’t give a piss.
For example, this is the campaign Nestle is using for their Yorkie bar.
DAAAAAAAAAMN.
It’s unclear why this isn’t for the ladies of the town. It’s supposed to be chunkier, but why that has anything to do with your gender, I can’t tell. But the message couldn’t be clearer: this candy bar is made for men, not women, or men in dresses carrying purses (that’s what the logo says to me). Eddie Izzard cannot eat this candy. For that matter, neither can the Queen.
Maybe it’s full of testosterone or another drug that makes boobies shrink and voices deepen. It’s full of fat (21.5 grams, holy cats!), so maybe they’re doing a good thing for women’s fashion and saying, “Ladies, look out, if you’re attempting to watch your girlish figure!” It’s bloody 18% of your daily caloric intake! This isn’t just verbotten for ladies, it’s damn dangerous for anyone!
And I happened to find one in my neighboring deli, next to Malteasers and Bounty bars.
So I ate it. And it’s absolutely not anything to write home about. It’s creamy milk chocolate, thick enough for you to put the bite on, but there are no chunks of anything. Just chocolate.
I don’t know why girls should stay away from this, aside from the calories and fat. There are no chemicals in it that increase fertility or anything, and as far as I can tell, telling 50%+ of the world’s population that they can’t eat chocolate is like telling Maury Povich he can’t do paternity tests on his show anymore.
Here’s a fun thing to do. Type in a random, vague concept kinda word into eBay and see what bizarre things come up. It works with so much, like “love” and “Jesus”. You can see what weird, weird things people are selling in the name of, well, whatever you decided to search for.
For this segment of this blog, we’re going to search for the SEVEN DEADLY SINS on eBay, and see what folks are selling!
PRIDE:
JUSTIN TUBB/DONNA FARGO ETC. LP TENNESSEE PRIDE MINT
Don’t be accepting any non-mint condition versions of this classic C&W album! Only accept the best condition albums that feature someone’s hot mom, a Dick Tracy villain with a facial tic, the hottest stack of hair in the South, and someone with a missing hand’s out-of-focus Olan Mills glamour shot! It’s the kind of line-up you usually see in an early 1970’s news broadcast, along with the commentary, “The slasher has already struck four times, killing one man and three women, shown here in these file photos.”
SLOTH
Sloth – Cactus Nerve Thang (CD)
Sloth is gonna rock the F*** out of you all! With their songs “Overcoat Sadness!” and “Reefer Christ!” You best prepare some ass surgery, because these guys are going to rock your ASSES OFF and you will need new ones. Judging by the CD cover, of course.
GREED
NEW Greed…
People. Listen to me. If you’re publishing a book, it’s a big venture. Your cover, sadly, is going to reflect on the quality of your book. This book, as judging by the cover, is bad. If you couldn’t even get a real artist who’s not your son’s dropout stoner friend to do the cover, then it’s time you thought of switching tactics, and getting a new publisher. Or just not publishing the book. The description does give a summary of the book, however, and it seems like a real page-turner, especially if you left money hidden in some of the pages:
Did you ever think that by giving your children everything they ever wanted you are doing them a favor in life? A man from small-town America built a very successful business over a lifetime. He firmly believed in sharing the wealth with his children. That was a huge mistake! He had no idea that the love he was giving to his son and daughter in law would only create two dastardly criminals. Instead of gaining his respect, his own flesh and blood abused his power and every good thing that his father did for him in life. His own son would go on to create a disastrous plan, with his wife, to not only destroy his fathers business, but embezzle everything that his parents had worked for, just to feel successful by his own standards.
Sounds like a fun tale that I will skip, as I get enough “dastardly” characters in my day job as a Canadian mountie.
ENVY
NEW Amber Brown Is Green With Envy
SKRULLS! SKRULLS! I FOUND ONE! SKRULLS!!!
I believe she has taken Amber Brown’s powers as well.
WRATH
Day of Wrath -Christopher Lambert – New DVD
Pretty much anytime you find Christopher Lambert on the cover of a DVD, it’s going to look funny. That’s because Christopher Lambert looks funny, and takes roles in movies that really have no purpose in existing. He generally stands there, with a confused look on his face, while some generic string of action words sit beneath him. It’s the Christopher Lambert way. It’s who he is. Druids needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Fortress 2 needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Some movies just scream out for Christopher Lambert’s odd, confused posturing. See also: Howie Long.
This one, incidentally, needed Christopher Lambert with and without hair for some reason. Some were released with the long hair, others without. Science doesn’t understand what this means.
LUST
1969 RUNAWAY SLAVE- ROBERT TRALINS/ STUDS,LUST & HATE
“Those are some nice clamdiggers. Yeah, it looks like they fit, but just turn around and let’s see how they fit in the back.”
GLUTTONY
aliens fat diet obesity gluttony health all fixed here
What. The. F***.
The picture is odd enough. Yeah, silly little plastic crappy aliens you keep in water. Expired in 1947, or some such nonsense. But the description (and accompanying photos of the little guys in brown water and, for some unrelated purpose, picture of a Chucky doll) has bent my mind into a pretzel. Insane people do sell things on eBay (apparently this seller also sells spa parts). Read for yourself.
ALIENS CURE OBESITY!!!!!!!!
NO ONE WILL SNACK FROM YOUR FRIDGE OR PANTRY AFTER YOU DO THIS.
SOMETHING STRANGE HAS HAPPENED AT MY PLACE!!!!!!!!!!
THE KIDS HAVE STOPPED GOING TO GRAZE FOR FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE AND PANTRY!!!!!!!WHY I THOUGHT??????
I ASKED=THE CHILDREN!
WHY DONT YOU GO NEAR THE FRIDGE ANYMORE CHILDREN? HHHMMMM?
THERE ARE DEAD ALIENS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNKNOWINGLY I HAD PLACED A BOTTLE OF MY RADIO ACTIVE ALIENS IN THE FRIDGE TO TRY AND SLOW DOWN THERE GROWTH RATE-I HAD PUT ANOTHER JAR OF THEM IN THE PANTRY TO WATCH THE RADIO ACTIVE GLOW THAT THEY EMIT
I THEN FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM AND -WENT ON TO MY NEXT ENDEAVOUR=DISSECTING ALIENS FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS AND THEN I REALISED =I HAD MADE AN EARTH SHATTERING DISCOVERY
I CAN STOP KIDS GETTING ANY FATTER
HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT=
DO YOU WANT TO CURE YOUR KIDS OBESITY?
IS YOUR HUBBY OR MISSUS TO FAT!!!!!WANT TO STOP THE RELATIVES BLUDGING A FREE FEED TO
OF COURSE YOU DO=WELL NOW YOU CAN
GO AHEAD
BUY YOURSELF A BOTTLE OF RADIO ACTIVE-GLOWING-GROWING ALIENS =PUT THEM ANYWHERE THERE IS EDIBLE FOOD NO ONE WILL EAT IT=RESULT=WEIGHT LOSS
HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ONLY $39.00
YOU GET 5 ALIENS=IN A BOTTLE=AND FREE POSTAGE
[THESE ALIENS ARE ALIVE]
THEY WILL CONTINUE TO GROW!
[AND THEY GLOW IN THE DARK]
THEY LOVE h2o AND PLENTY OF SUNLIGHT!!!!!!!!
THEY ARE NOT A TOY
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN AND IDIOTS
ATTENTION ALL=INTERGALACTIC EBAYERS
IF YOU WISH TO CONTACT ME I AM AVAILABLE ON INTERGALACTIC CHANNEL )**&^(%
YOU ARE WELCOME TO MIND SCAN ME!
FOR INTERGALACTIC POSTAGE I USE MY MATTER TRANSFER MACHINE
I DONT ACCEPT 3 LEGGED FOTPOTS-DRIED SCEYTIFLIKS-OR GEFFLUUKRES AS PAYMENT SORRY
ONLY PAYPAL
It was a dealer’s con, mostly. For every celeb from Friday the 13th part 2 signing autographs there were three tables of guys with bootleg DVD porn, 50 cent comics, and books that cost more than I make in a year. That’s an interesting thing about dealer cons – you can’t ever find what you’re looking for. Either it’s a dealer with 30 boxes of unsorted, beat-up crap, or it’s a billion boxes of golden/silver age stuff that 90% of the con can’t afford. Completionists like me either walk away empty-handed or spend an extraordinarily long time searching through garbage for the 1988 Manhunter #7 that I needed to fill out my run. And a lot of the con, seriously, was flea market stuff. The bootlegs, the overpriced bad condition comics, the bins of broken toys, that’s a flea market.
Luckily, the artists were awesome. Everyone was happy to talk and sell sketches, although there were many empty tables and a few missing names (Ice T and his wife were supposed to show too, but saw neither hide nor hair of them). I got a few more of my Mad Hatter commissions too, and as always I’m happy to show them off here.
Here’s a pencil sketch from Patrick Gleason, the artist extraordinaire for Green Lantern Corps and Robin. Super nice guy, one of the big rising stars in comics. His version of the Hatter is creepy and I love it.
Rodney (not Humberto, as his sign stated) Ramos, inker for Transmetropolitan, 52, and Countdown, gave me a brilliant ink sketch for my wall. He’s dandy and evil!
And finally, cartoonist Kev Toons gave me a cuter version of the Hatter, which will go well with my Art Baltazar crayon sketch.
So how was it? How was the con? It’s hard to say. I walked out of it with autographs, sketches, memories of conversations, photographs, and issues that completed my Manhunter and 1980 Moon Knight collections. But the heat of a 90+ degree day got into the building, making things hot as anything, and when you’re in close contact with enormous men who prize their NM copy of Punisher 2099 #1 (with holo-foil cover!) more than regular hygiene…well, if you’re not waiting around for a commissioned sketch, it’s very hard to justify staying around for too long. And for all the great stuff I got, at the end I think I might have stuck around just a little too long.
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