Our Video Game History Part IV

June 4, 2008 on 6:33 pm | In Insanity, Weak Attempt, video games |

Since there’s not much going on with Netflix this week, I decided to go back to FunTown, which is to say go back to the land of awful PC/DOS video game boxes. I do this not because I enjoy badly drawn game boxes in German, but to inform you of where we came from. THIS IS WHAT WE CALLED QUALITY AT ONE TIME. This is what marketing pushes were all about, thousands of man-hours spent creating levels and bitmaps, and the undeniable fact that this game could make or break your garage band-style gaming company. This was our past.

Jeff, a frequent reader of this site, commented on one of the video games in the last installment of this series that this style of fantasy art reminded him of bad carnival rides. This one would definitely fall into that category. Woman on divan being threatened by horned Shroud of Turin while a beefy guy with a lazy eye and odd chest muscles stands behind a table where a bunsen burner cooks fruit snacks, yeah, that spells goofy fantasy for me. And I was almost going to ignore the lack of apostrophe, but I decided against it, mostly for religious reasons.

“Hey guys, glad you could make it. Oh, wow, nice canoe. Didja make that in like an hour?”

“Shut up. The good one broke, we found this one behind the house.”

“No, no, it looks great. I think my sister made one just like it.”

“Dude, your sister’s like 9, that…aw, that’s just mean, dawg.”

“Ha ha, you guys totally suck.”

“Shut up, dude.”

Imagined text from back of box: “Attention homebound nerds! Let’s PARTI! This is the #1 party simulator on the market, allowing you to socialize with real AI characters in the safety of your own foul-smelling fart cave. Imagine talking to a beautiful woman without ever leaving your chair, or dealing with rejection after you stutter a few sentences about THAC0 and other geeky crap that real women don’t care about! Have a virtual drink, impress the local celebrities with your knowledge of Romulans, and become the life of your own sheltered, self-serving party! Who needs actual interaction, when you can just simulate it on your computer? Let’s PARTI!”

I really hope that this game is a first person shooter. Elizabeth I vs. the Zombie Bats From Hell. Sadly, I suspect it’s very text-heavy making this game slightly less fun and more time consuming than reading a book on the queen’s life. For example, in a book, you can read an entire chapter about Elizabeth’s relationship with John Dee in about 15 minutes. In the text-based adventure, it takes roughly the same time to OPEN DRAWER, FIND KEY, TALK TO GUARD, EXIT ROOM, and USE KEY. And what did you learn about John Dee in that time? Nothing, my friend. Nothing at all.

Fatty Bear is not as cute as Bouncy Bee. I completely adore Bouncy Bee. I do not wish to speak of Fatty Bear’s Funpack, which is available on DVD from the back rooms of most low-class video stores.

“Alright, first we land troops here in…wait, why’s Canada so big? It’s like friggin…hang on, hang on, someone moved Australia over south of Europe and Africa’s gone. And why’s Canada so close to Europe? And why’s Greenland all the way over…what the hell is this…I’m going to get a fresh map from the closet.”

“Probably no need, Mr. President, look behind you.”

The. Fish. Is. Smoking. Underwater. WTF.

The translated title of this is actually “Dance like a TOTAL spaz!” It’s not a very good game, but it’s groundbreaking in that it was the first game to accurately depict what middle-aged people look like trying to do the Electric Slide at a bar mitzvah.

To order this game, you had to tell the clerk that you planned to use it for tobacco only, otherwise he wouldn’t sell it to you and you’d have to leave the store.

“That’s awful and all, but I really don’t have any spare change, I’m sorry.”

Goddam furries ruin another picnic spot. Son of a bitch.