Found on Ebay: The Seven Deadly Sins

June 12, 2008 on 6:42 pm | In Insanity, Music, ebay |

Here’s a fun thing to do. Type in a random, vague concept kinda word into eBay and see what bizarre things come up. It works with so much, like “love” and “Jesus”. You can see what weird, weird things people are selling in the name of, well, whatever you decided to search for.

For this segment of this blog, we’re going to search for the SEVEN DEADLY SINS on eBay, and see what folks are selling!

PRIDE:

JUSTIN TUBB/DONNA FARGO ETC. LP TENNESSEE PRIDE MINT
Don’t be accepting any non-mint condition versions of this classic C&W album! Only accept the best condition albums that feature someone’s hot mom, a Dick Tracy villain with a facial tic, the hottest stack of hair in the South, and someone with a missing hand’s out-of-focus Olan Mills glamour shot! It’s the kind of line-up you usually see in an early 1970’s news broadcast, along with the commentary, “The slasher has already struck four times, killing one man and three women, shown here in these file photos.”

SLOTH

Sloth - Cactus Nerve Thang (CD)
Sloth is gonna rock the F*** out of you all! With their songs “Overcoat Sadness!” and “Reefer Christ!” You best prepare some ass surgery, because these guys are going to rock your ASSES OFF and you will need new ones. Judging by the CD cover, of course.

GREED

NEW Greed…
People. Listen to me. If you’re publishing a book, it’s a big venture. Your cover, sadly, is going to reflect on the quality of your book. This book, as judging by the cover, is bad. If you couldn’t even get a real artist who’s not your son’s dropout stoner friend to do the cover, then it’s time you thought of switching tactics, and getting a new publisher. Or just not publishing the book. The description does give a summary of the book, however, and it seems like a real page-turner, especially if you left money hidden in some of the pages:

Did you ever think that by giving your children everything they ever wanted you are doing them a favor in life? A man from small-town America built a very successful business over a lifetime. He firmly believed in sharing the wealth with his children. That was a huge mistake! He had no idea that the love he was giving to his son and daughter in law would only create two dastardly criminals. Instead of gaining his respect, his own flesh and blood abused his power and every good thing that his father did for him in life. His own son would go on to create a disastrous plan, with his wife, to not only destroy his fathers business, but embezzle everything that his parents had worked for, just to feel successful by his own standards.

Sounds like a fun tale that I will skip, as I get enough “dastardly” characters in my day job as a Canadian mountie.

ENVY

NEW Amber Brown Is Green With Envy
SKRULLS! SKRULLS! I FOUND ONE! SKRULLS!!!

I believe she has taken Amber Brown’s powers as well.

WRATH

Day of Wrath -Christopher Lambert - New DVD
Pretty much anytime you find Christopher Lambert on the cover of a DVD, it’s going to look funny. That’s because Christopher Lambert looks funny, and takes roles in movies that really have no purpose in existing. He generally stands there, with a confused look on his face, while some generic string of action words sit beneath him. It’s the Christopher Lambert way. It’s who he is. Druids needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Fortress 2 needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Some movies just scream out for Christopher Lambert’s odd, confused posturing. See also: Howie Long.

This one, incidentally, needed Christopher Lambert with and without hair for some reason. Some were released with the long hair, others without. Science doesn’t understand what this means.

LUST

1969 RUNAWAY SLAVE- ROBERT TRALINS/ STUDS,LUST & HATE
“Those are some nice clamdiggers. Yeah, it looks like they fit, but just turn around and let’s see how they fit in the back.”

GLUTTONY

aliens fat diet obesity gluttony health all fixed here

What. The. F***.
The picture is odd enough. Yeah, silly little plastic crappy aliens you keep in water. Expired in 1947, or some such nonsense. But the description (and accompanying photos of the little guys in brown water and, for some unrelated purpose, picture of a Chucky doll) has bent my mind into a pretzel. Insane people do sell things on eBay (apparently this seller also sells spa parts). Read for yourself.

ALIENS CURE OBESITY!!!!!!!!
NO ONE WILL SNACK FROM YOUR FRIDGE OR PANTRY AFTER YOU DO THIS.
SOMETHING STRANGE HAS HAPPENED AT MY PLACE!!!!!!!!!!
THE KIDS HAVE STOPPED GOING TO GRAZE FOR FOOD FROM THE FRIDGE AND PANTRY!!!!!!!WHY I THOUGHT??????

I ASKED=THE CHILDREN!

WHY DONT YOU GO NEAR THE FRIDGE ANYMORE CHILDREN? HHHMMMM?

THERE ARE DEAD ALIENS IN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!

UNKNOWINGLY I HAD PLACED A BOTTLE OF MY RADIO ACTIVE ALIENS IN THE FRIDGE TO TRY AND SLOW DOWN THERE GROWTH RATE-I HAD PUT ANOTHER JAR OF THEM IN THE PANTRY TO WATCH THE RADIO ACTIVE GLOW THAT THEY EMIT

I THEN FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEM AND -WENT ON TO MY NEXT ENDEAVOUR=DISSECTING ALIENS FOR MEDICAL EXPERIMENTS AND THEN I REALISED =I HAD MADE AN EARTH SHATTERING DISCOVERY

I CAN STOP KIDS GETTING ANY FATTER
HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT=
DO YOU WANT TO CURE YOUR KIDS OBESITY?
IS YOUR HUBBY OR MISSUS TO FAT!!!!!WANT TO STOP THE RELATIVES BLUDGING A FREE FEED TO
OF COURSE YOU DO=WELL NOW YOU CAN
GO AHEAD
BUY YOURSELF A BOTTLE OF RADIO ACTIVE-GLOWING-GROWING ALIENS =PUT THEM ANYWHERE THERE IS EDIBLE FOOD NO ONE WILL EAT IT=RESULT=WEIGHT LOSS
HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HERE IS WHAT YOU GET FOR ONLY $39.00
YOU GET 5 ALIENS=IN A BOTTLE=AND FREE POSTAGE
[THESE ALIENS ARE ALIVE]
THEY WILL CONTINUE TO GROW!
[AND THEY GLOW IN THE DARK]
THEY LOVE h2o AND PLENTY OF SUNLIGHT!!!!!!!!
THEY ARE NOT A TOY
KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN AND IDIOTS

ATTENTION ALL=INTERGALACTIC EBAYERS
IF YOU WISH TO CONTACT ME I AM AVAILABLE ON INTERGALACTIC CHANNEL )**&^(%
YOU ARE WELCOME TO MIND SCAN ME!

FOR INTERGALACTIC POSTAGE I USE MY MATTER TRANSFER MACHINE
I DONT ACCEPT 3 LEGGED FOTPOTS-DRIED SCEYTIFLIKS-OR GEFFLUUKRES AS PAYMENT SORRY
ONLY PAYPAL

Just…thank God I didn’t copy their spacing.