Girls, Keep Out Of My Candy!

June 13, 2008 on 7:57 pm | In Insanity, Life in NY |

I have to say, I love the British.

I love Warren Ellis’s Transmetropolitan, I love Alan Moore’s Watchmen, and I love Garth Ennis’s Preacher. I love Black Books and Black Adder. I love Hot Fuzz, The Young Ones, and Q.I.. I love the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, the Clash, the Damned, and Oasis. And I love how the British Isles don’t give a piss.

For example, this is the campaign Nestle is using for their Yorkie bar.

DAAAAAAAAAMN.

It’s unclear why this isn’t for the ladies of the town. It’s supposed to be chunkier, but why that has anything to do with your gender, I can’t tell. But the message couldn’t be clearer: this candy bar is made for men, not women, or men in dresses carrying purses (that’s what the logo says to me). Eddie Izzard cannot eat this candy. For that matter, neither can the Queen.

Maybe it’s full of testosterone or another drug that makes boobies shrink and voices deepen. It’s full of fat (21.5 grams, holy cats!), so maybe they’re doing a good thing for women’s fashion and saying, “Ladies, look out, if you’re attempting to watch your girlish figure!” It’s bloody 18% of your daily caloric intake! This isn’t just verbotten for ladies, it’s damn dangerous for anyone!

And I happened to find one in my neighboring deli, next to Malteasers and Bounty bars.

So I ate it. And it’s absolutely not anything to write home about. It’s creamy milk chocolate, thick enough for you to put the bite on, but there are no chunks of anything. Just chocolate.

I don’t know why girls should stay away from this, aside from the calories and fat. There are no chemicals in it that increase fertility or anything, and as far as I can tell, telling 50%+ of the world’s population that they can’t eat chocolate is like telling Maury Povich he can’t do paternity tests on his show anymore.

So ladies!

[YEAH!]

Ladies!

[YEAH!]

Eat this chokky bar! Baby got back!

Brought to you by 21.5 grams of fat, and Ethan.