Who Else Is Ethan Kaye?

June 24, 2008 on 4:21 pm | In Insanity, Life in NY |

Like most people with low self-esteem and internet access, I will admit to googling my name. For those of you who think that googling is a sex act, let me set you straight. Go to Google and type in any word or phrase. Then the “search engine” (not really an engine, like in a car) will scour the entire world wide web for that phrase. Go ahead and type in “ethan kaye”. It’ll make my hit count go up.

Anyway, I’ve noticed that Ethan Kaye is not just me. It’s disturbing to think there are other me’s out there, although I’m sure that John Smith and Mike Miller run into themselves all the time with no incident. I don’t mind that other Ethan Kayes are spread throughout the world, and luckily none of us have been arrested for anything like multiple homicide.

But who else comes up when you search for my name? Who are these other Ethans? Let’s take a tour.

1. The Wrestler.
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Not actual photo

There is a kid who does some wrestling and baseballing (yeah, spell check’s having a problem with that word) named Ethan Kaye. Not going to say where he lives, but I’ve actually been in touch with him and his mom and they are both very nice people. Wrestler Ethan Kaye is the second most-popular Ethan Kaye on the internet, although it’s kinda scary to see someone’s weight posted a bunch of times on multiple webpages. I mean, the only time you’d normally be seeing weights of things on the internet is if you were buying something by the pound, like bulk candy or imported meats, like the $2,100-a-leg pork from Spain. And really, you wouldn’t be ordering people by the pound over the internet, although most Russian dating sites do list weights of the girls (I just checked http://www.anastasia-international.com/, which has now become my homepage. Rrrrrowr!)

2. The Spies

Everyone loves a little espionage webseries and, hey, here’s The Legacy! The agents above are “Ethan Fairchild” and “Kaye Corday.” I’m not sure who’s “playing” Ethan in that picture, but Kaye is definitely Darla from Angel. I know, I know, a lot of quotation marks and italics. Bear with me. See, Darla’s not in this series. Neither are Jerry Orbach, Katie Holmes, or Hugh Jackman, yet they are the photos that accompany the names on the “Agents” page. It’s actually an ongoing story about spies and the photos are just references for you to keep in your head as you’re reading The Legacy. So what is The Legacy? According to the site, it’s “A little known about department in an international espionage organization that specializes in security, anti-terrorism, trouble shooting ; a ring of covert operatives available to the highest bidder. “

How is this an Ethan Kaye? Put the two names together in a paragraph, like “Someone gets the jump on Ethan. Kaye plays a deadly game with Julian Black and Kevin uncovers a new power.” and ta-da, you’re in Ethan Kayeland.

3. The Punk
The Many Face’s Of Pea

I found this while searching through google. I’m not sure who this Ethan Kaye is (if he even is an Ethan Kaye, it’s just what it was tagged as), but I have to admit that his life looks damn awesome. I have no idea where he’s from, but damn, he’s got a ton of costumes. It makes me think I need to buy more hats. I don’t have a rainbow hat and I don’t have a hat with a flower in it. I don’t have my pirate hat anymore. Gosh, I’m…I’m getting old. WHERE ARE ALL OF MY HATS?

4. The Fictional Christian

Ah. I am also a character in the book “Healing Stones”, starring Sullivan Crisp. Ethan doesn’t get much press time, and I only found out that I’m in the book by finding it on a blog. I really hope that “Healing Stones” takes place on the moon, where I lead a rag-tag bunch of space mercenaries against evil elves or something. Then I fight Nazi vampires while sleeping with a bunch of babes. And then I punch some vampire so hard in the face that his face explodes. THAT would make “Healing Stones” an awesome book, but sadly, it doesn’t take place on the moon, there are no vampires, and it is said to “shatter the illusion enveloping many Christian institutional settings, while infusing healing, hope and a plan toward authenticity,” which to me means that no one’s getting thrown through a plate glass window into a tank of radioactive scorpions.

5. The Fan Fiction Power Ranger

I can be happy that I’m a wrestler, I can even take some pride in being a combination of two spies, but someone’s idea of a Blue Power Ranger for his fan fiction? That one rubs me the wrong way. The weird way, like when you pet a cat backwards. If you’d like to read it, it’s here, but for the sake of your sanity, here are the highlights of my career in blue tights.

“My new character Ethan was created for these fan fictions to keep things fresh. The idea of including a new character that was suddenly thrown into the life of being a super hero and looking at their adventures from a different point of view was interesting to me. In the stories, Ethan teases about the corny names of the monsters they fight, he wonders why his teammates dress up in clothes in the colors of their Ranger suits and is constantly surprised by the events of being a Ranger when the others have experienced these things before. In a lot of ways, he’s like an audience member thrown into these stories — he can’t believe he’s there and is constantly surprised by what happens next, but is wondering the same absurdities about all of these things that you or I would.“

Sigh.

“My new, created-just-for-my-Power-Rangers-fan-fiction-stories character Ethan, though, has his own personal reasons on why he doesn’t drink alcohol.“

Sigh.

“The character Ethan Kaye, who assumes the role of the new Blue Ranger, is actually a homage to Ethan Ramsey Cambias, the character played by James Scott on the soap opera “All My Children” from 2004 to 2006. n fact, the name “Ethan Kaye” is an amalgam of the character and Thorsten Kaye, who plays his father, Zach Slater, on the series. My character, Ethan, also happens to share the same date of birth with Mr. Scott, January 14th — which was eerily odd, considering this was something I found out about the actor AFTER I came up with the character’s birthdate.“

Sigh.

“Ethan doesn’t drink because his abusive father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death and his favorite color is blue.“

Double, triple, quadruple sigh. My favorite color is not blue.

So….
That’s the state of things. One wrestler, one costumer (who might be the wrestler, I dunno), and three fan fiction characters. I don’t know what I learned today. Probably that my name is easily created by squishing other names together, which is more than I knew when I woke up this morning. But it’s not a total wash. At least I found the Russian mail-order bride website.