Dear God, Superman, what the hell happened?

July 21, 2008 on 7:16 pm | In Comics, Toys, Weak Attempt |

Hey! Guess what! Toyman killed Cat Grant’s kid! Like, a million years ago, but still, it’s in continuity. I didn’t used to read Superman comics, I was more of a Batman guy, so I missed this issue. Today, sadly, I finally saw the cover.

What the hell is wrong with that kid? Aside from everything?

First off, the head’s insane. The human body is about 7x the length of the head, meaning it would take seven of your heads to equal the size of your body. A helpful guide:

This boy’s body is about 5 head lengths tall, making him a dwarf. I don’t believe that Cat Grant’s son being a dwarf was ever brought up in Superman comics, especially since every dwarf in comics either has magic powers (Mr. Mxyzptlk, Bat-mite) or smokes cigars (Oberon, Lord Emp). But that ain’t all, Superman’s hand is larger than the kid’s head is (he could palm it like a basketball, easy). My hands are about average size, 7 inches tip to wrist, which is about the size of a child’s head, give or take a few centimeters. Superman’s thumb is roughly the same size as the distance from the kid’s eye to his ear. This kid may have a big head for his body, but he’s got a tiny head to begin with.

There’s also loads wrong with the kid’s arms. Call it foreshortening all you want, it’s really just bad, Liefeld-esque art. Despite his shoulders being mostly even, he’s missing a few inches of his right arm. They might have something to do with the child’s missing wrists, I’m not sure. The left arm is just a mess. Normally, a person’s arm and hand extend to the top of the thigh. This boy is a major exception, his wrist beginning where a normal person’s hand would end. His right, baby arm is actually more in line with anatomy than his left. Elephant Man time!

The torso and the butt are disasters of Katrina-proportions (although I hesitate to use the word “proportions”, since they’re not really being used in this drawing). The boy has his torso and head drastically facing the left while his hips are pointing to the right (as evidenced by his knees bending that way). This is not a normal way for a person to turn, as the body would probably snap back to center, especially if being held aloft by someone else. The butt is either lumpy (big wallet for a small kid), or just uneven. If there was foreshortening on the left left, indicating it was bent, there would actually be less butt shown since that would have been extended forward. Say nothing of the fact that the boy’s wearing pink pants with cuffs and a red belt.

The legs are their own separate Dresden of ink and paint. The calfs are of equal length or longer than the thighs, or in the case of the one on the left, smaller than the kid’s forearm. Whereas a normal leg is 4 heads high (see the diagram again), Cat Grant’s son’s are only 2, maybe 2.5 if you’re being nice with the right one. the foot is as long as the calf. And the icing on the cake is that the kid has two right feet. Look at the curve of the shoes and tell me that he doesn’t. I dare you.

The less said about Supes the better. Of more interest is the way that Toyman is holding the knife. The thumb position is all off, the thumb only runs that perpendicular to the fingers when making a fist, not when holding a cylindrical object. If it’s holding anything In fact, the knife handle is so large that he’s only holding it with the tips of his fingers. He very well could drop it if he swung his arm around with any force. Oh, and the face on the handle doesn’t match the perspective of the blade. This might have been the way the knife was produced, as the face doesn’t have to line up with the blade at all, but it would make for a nicer knife.

So I ask again. What the hell happened? The kid got stabbed, not carved apart and sewn back together again in the dark. Who let this cover go through? It’s so many disasters, I wouldn’t even begin to know which was the worst offender.

Foul, I say, foul.