Copy errors, Middle Earth style

Yesterday, a news story came out about a postcard to JRR Tolkien being found in his old fireplace. You can read it here. It’s a charming story about a guy finding a postcard. Nothing special.

Of course, they had to ruin it with this quote:

Tolkien had achieved fame by the time he moved to Poole in 1968. His epic “The Lord of the Rings” trilogy, already popular before the hugely successful film adaptations appeared, was published in 1954-55.

Really? And I thought it was the movie that made “Lord of the Rings” a hit. In 2001. Before that, well I just assumed I was the only one who’d heard of it.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Crimson

Two hard-partying nursing students (Jaimi Paige and Elizabeth Di Prinzio) must save a woman they find in the middle of nowhere, Sammi (Stuart Brazell), who’s on the run from a vampire cult and its bloodthirsty leader, Rachel (Erika Smith). After the girls bring a battered Sammi to their sorority house for care and to sober up themselves, they quickly realize that they’ve stepped into a gruesome battle that just might end in terror.

I picked this film out of a pretty good assortment this week for the use of the phrase “gruesome battle that just might end in terror.” Is “terror” really the word that you want to use there? Is that really the most awful endpoint you can think of? For me, I’d think that you’d want terror running throughout your entire horror movie, not just the ending. I mean, the use would imply that there is a chance that the battle does not end in terror, making it a fairly tame ride. “We’re fighting but we’re not scared! Yet there is a possibility that we may feel scared by the end of this! Ahoy!”

Silly words.

As I always have to say, I have not seen this film. I have, however, seen the Netflix ratings of this film, which give it less than two stars. In fact, the director’s other two films on Netflix, Corazon and In the Red, also have garnered less than two stars apiece, creating an average of less than two stars for this director’s entire output. It’s fairly damning, but also consider that each one of director Richard Proche’s films stars about 90 gorgeous women, which is about 90 more than have ever starred in a film by me.

But what do the critics say?

Well, that’s a tough question to ask, since all but one of his 14 straight-to-DVD films have zero user reviews on imdb. The one reviewer for “Candle in the Dark” says that it’s not bad, although he says the same things about “Blood Harvest”, “Mega Snake”, and “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank.” Fairly large grain of salt there.

Netflix reviewers, however, are much more cruel.

For In the Red

“I read the reviews and thought “how bad can it be?” Well, I watched 4 minutes of it and each minute was excruciating.”

“Awful, awful movie, bad sound, bad picture quality, and stupid!! No action, doesn’t rate as a thriller, doesn’t rate as anything, especially anything to watch. A complete waste of time. Take it off the list. To rate this, we need negative stars.”

“This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Do not rent this movie, do not waste your time. This must be the worst 90 minutes of my life.”

So it’s fairly easy to make a judgement of “Crimson” from the reviews available of the director’s other films. But who knows? Perhaps a vampire cult film with extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists could surprise you. Maybe it has some hidden allure that I am unaware of aside from the previously mentioned extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists. Maybe if you pause the last screen of the DVD and print it out, it’s a coupon for free candy. Maybe it has a better movie burned on the other side. Maybe the DVD has an error on in and it stops automatically after the first 10 minutes.

It’s the future, right? Anything can happen!

Whoooo is the maaaaan?

…the ENEMAN, if you will!

Believe it or not, there is a mascot that is actually more bizarre than Monty Mole, the cartoon mole that was created for the benefit of “National Mole Day”. For those of you with no love for insanely geeky science whathaveyous, National Mole Day is the contrived holiday that celebrates a unit of measurement, the mole. It’s about 500x less appropriate than Christmas in July and 1000x less appropriate than National Puppetry Week.

But Eneman…he’s something special.

He IS a 6-ft tall walking enema.

He IS the mascot of Fleet Enemas.

He IS a frequent guest of gastrology conventions.

He IS NOT a Saturday morning cartoon character yet, although I believe there is a God.

The concept of an enema mascot is brilliant. Disturbing, but brilliant. Once you’ve gone that far, go there with pride. An enema isn’t the most accessible thing to the world, since the majority of the world (old women in restaurants aside) don’t talk about their butt health, but you know, once you’ve made your enema walk and talk, you’ve climbed the highest mountain. Sell them enemas!

If you’re in the medical profession, you probably know a ton about Fleet enema’s Eneman. Also, if you’re a medical professional you have severe problems if you’re reading my blog, and I suggest you remove yourself from any hospital I go to. But those in the know are aware that Eneman has graced numerous calendars, hospital scrubs, Christmas ornaments, and even beanie babies.

Doctors love Eneman. And I love Eneman. I think he’s a brilliant concept, a successful marketing tool used by one of the industry leaders, and something so off-the-wall that one cannot help but laugh.

Also, I posed as Eneman for the 2007 Eneman calendar.

Trust me, the photograph has not been retouched.

Japan = Insane

A conversation, between me and my friend Jeff:

Jeffrey: …then what happens?!
You can’t just trail off mid sentence!

Ethan: They got bored and wandered off

Jeffrey: What about Louis Silk’s man friend?

Ethan: Superman and his lover, Louis Silk.
what the hell?

Jeffrey: Louis Silk = Matches Malone

Ethan: GASP! That’s Batman’s shameful secret!

Izzard the Wizard

I want to let YOU know about something awesome.

You may have heard about it. Hell, you may have even seen it, if you were lucky. But rest assured, you would have laughed your ass off if you did.

Yup, it’s Eddie Izzard’s latest tour, “Stripped”.

Mr. Izzard was able to sell out three nights at Radio City Music Hall, which ain’t an easy feat (sorry, Sarah Brightman, but you suck). The comedic genius, famous for roles in The Riches, Shadow of the Vampire, Velvet Goldmine, The Cat’s Meow, and numerous of his own comedy specials, put on a two hour spectacular, all the while not taking a sip of water and not dressing like he does in the promo picture.

In fact, he was not wearing women’s clothing, which surprised me.

I recommend this show. Lots. You probably won’t be able to catch the tour, but if the DVD comes out (and I’m sure it will, given Mr. Izzard’s track record), snatch it up. I’ve always liked his shows and “Stripped” is a safe bet. Hellz yeah, I got to see Eddie Izzard! Top of the world, ma!