The Stories Behind the San Diego Comic Con Costumes

August 6, 2008 on 7:21 pm | In Comic Cons, Comics, Insanity, Weak Attempt | 3 Comments

Three days before Comic Con:

TUCKER: “Oh boy, oh boy, I have the perfect costume for Mexican wrestling night and the Comic Con! I got this great red and blue Spider-Man costume and I’m going to be mad awesome. Everyone at Comic Con’s going to be doing weird characters, but you can’t go wrong with the red & blue! Classy, classy, classy! I’ll just wear it to Mexican wrestling night then off to the con floor!”

Two days before Comic Con, at the Mexican wrestling night:

REF: And El Spidero takes a hit to the gut! And another! And another! And…OOOOOH! A knee right to the face!

TUCKER: (splutter, splutter) I can’t…(cough, retch)

REF: Looks like El Spidero’s going to be…OH JESUS CRISTO! That’s a full on boot to the face!

TUCKER: (cough) Gaaaaahhhh….(splutter, splutter)

One day before Comic Con, at the costume store:

TUCKER: Uh, hi. By dame is Tucker. I bwas id here the utha day.

CLERK: Dear Lord, what the hell happened to your nose?

TUCKER: Is broked. (cough, spatter)

CLERK: I am totally sorry, man. It’s all over by your ear n’ junk.

TUCKER: Cad I geb a refud on dis bask? (holds up blood-filled Spider-man mask)

CLERK: Dude, that’s medical waste at this point. And it’s Comic Con season, I can’t get you a new costume, those things sold out fast.

TUCKER: Crab.

CLERK: Here, I have something that might work. You need something, man, I can’t believe you’re even out of the house with a face like that. Your eye’s like all sunken in and crap. This is a Spider-man 3 mask. The rest of the costume has pee on it, so we through it out, but the mask doesn’t have as much pee on it, so we threw it in the bargain bin.

TUCKER: Thaks.

Modern Ferret

August 6, 2008 on 2:01 pm | In Insanity | 2 Comments

So you got your “Cat Fancy” magazines and your “Dog Fancy” magazines and your Bucks County Aquarium Society magazines, but let’s say that you don’t want to own a cat, a dog, or an aquarium full of fish. Let’s say that you have a pet that’s a little more shaped like a paper towel roll and smells bad.

That’s right, a ferret.

Where you going to turn for your ferret news, humor, care tips, humor, and humor? Well, not to worry folks, “Modern Ferret” is there for you! And your rodent-thing!

For those of you vanilla souls who don’t want a beast that smells of sawdust and poop in your house, you don’t know the joys that come with owning a ferret, namely the need for Modern Ferret magazine. It’s chock full of articles like “Koosh and the Gang Review,” “Marshmallow explains it all,” and “Doctor to Doctor: Gastric Ulcers and Your Ferret” for you to puzzle over while cradling your rodent. Your rodent won’t care much for the full-color centerfolds in each issue (I’m not joking), but you can put them up on the wall, next to your computer, the one you use to try and get internet dates.

I don’t really harbor hatred of ferrets. I think they’re kind of cute, even though them smell like a combination of soup and bus. I love animals, as my kitty Science will tell you (even when she stomps on my face when I’m asleep), and I think there is a place on Earth for all of God’s creatures, except the centipede because they freak me out. Goddam centipedes.

Modern Ferret, sadly, is defunct. No more interviews with Sally Heber of Shady Hollow Ferretry, no more “Sabrina says: don’t take anyone else’s medicine,” no more covers with Night Court’s Harry Anderson.

From Harry’s son’s face, I can tell he doesn’t see this as a bad thing. The magazine was run by a couple, Eric and Mary Shefferman, a lovely couple who are now divorced post-collapse of their magazine. It’s a shame, but apparently their health and finances were suffering and all their ferrets died, and really, it’s for the best. Keeping articles like “Cauliflower’s Quips: Dumb Albino Jokes” and “A Day of Ferrets and Fashion at Todd Oldham’s Studio” going can put strain on your marriage, and wrangling Tama Janowitz can be a headache too.

Oh! I forgot to mention the ferret fiction! There’s ferret fiction written by readers! There’s the regular feature “Ferret Fairy-Tales” which includes titles such as “2001: A Ferret Odyssey” and “Robbin’ Hood,” and there’s the occasional sexy piece like “The Ferrets and the Gift-Wrapped Birthday Present” thrown in there. Quality of these stories is doubtable, since ferret owners aren’t normally known for their writing skills. Sorry, Playboy Playmate Tiffany Taylor, I am doubting your writing skills.