What our kids are wearing

Yes, yes, I know I’ve promised you Disney pictures and Baltimore Comic Con pictures, but the re-sizing of them all keeps freezing my computer up and it’ll take a little time. Sue me, I’ve been busy and 5 hours in the car to and from Baltimore knocks a lot out of you.

Buuuuuut, here’s more fun and enjoyment. You see, Halloween is right around the corner, and that means costumes. I haven’t chosen mine yet, or even if I’ll have an occasion to wear one, but it doesn’t stop me from looking. How can I not, with pop-up ads launching at every comic-themed webpage I visit? Here are a few I found this morning.

I don’t see this Joker as being that scary. In fact, I think of him more as a talk show host giving a monologue. Sure, his face is a little bobble-headed, and his mouth is a little tiny, but he’s more or less Leno. They’ve taken a truly horrifying character and turned it into…well, they cleaned him up. Purple lab jacket and green vest do not a Joker make.

The Scarecrow costume from the Warner Brothers store doesn’t fare much better. The smock is a little too nice, although they did a good job with the asylum straps. But the face? Is he Booger Head Scarecrow? Is it a leftover Star Wars mask? How do you get Scarecrow out of that? Maybe they had to clear out their stock of “Last Starfighter” masks and figured they could unload them on Bat-fans.

That’s the Last Starfighter dude. Not 100%, but way more accurate than the Scarecrow mask that, if memory serves, is supposed to be made of fabric.

Wanna know where you’ve seen Sonic Troopers before? 4th-rate costume catalogues. They are the generic versions of Power Rangers for kids who aren’t that into details. Any kid would look at these and say, “Dear God, this is a pile of rip-off s***.” I did an internet search for Sonic Troopers and the only things that came up were more costume sites offering the same knock-off crap. The scary part is that these would be perfectly acceptable costumes for a Japanese TV show. I wouldn’t be shocked if I saw these on japanese TV as some new superhero squad. As an aside, I’d like a street gang to name themselves the Sonic Troopers, kill and rape a few dozen people, then destroy a building. Then, out-of-touch grandmothers could buy their grandkids these costumes and say “oh, it’s a Sonic Trooper costume, honey,” and cause controversy.

Hey kids! Love that great movie Jurassic Park? Sure, it came out before your parents were married and you may have been absolutely frightened while watching it, but didn’t you love the triceratops? You remember, it was the dinosaur that was sick and didn’t get up and move or anything. You remember that, right? Well, here’s a costume that’s tangentially related to that movie! It’s…well, it’s a nifty triceratops mask! And pajamas with a triceratops on it! Mostly blue, not much triceratops, but it still qualifies as a costume! Mostly just the mask part. An absolute must for out-of-touch grandparents.

There’s little to be said about this Batman costume, other than he looks sad. His ears are shrunken, his nose is awkwardly pointy, and his face isn’t angry or menacing, it’s more of a “poor me” expression. Poor Batman. You look like a damn fool.

And there’s Muppet costumes too! Here’s Animal! Yes, the out-of-control drummer for the Electric Mayhem is faithfully rendered into a costume for your child by someone who has not seen an episode of the Muppets in their lives and designed the costume based on someone’s description over the phone. More or less looks like Elmo with squinty eyes, an underbite, and a unibrow. Any kid would love to wear this costume, especially if they love being stuffed in lockers and forced to eat dog poop.

But there’s not much that’s going to beat Fozzie Bear, who looks like he’s been drunk for the better part of the week. The nose is huge and red, the eyes are shifty and the wrong shade of purple, and your child will be emerging from Fozzie’s larynx. Here’s a photo of the real Fozzie for comparison:

Notice that his mouth isn’t a small red line, and that his fingers aren’t black. This costume is probably unlicensed, since the Henson company actually have some pride in their creations. Drunk Fozzie would not have passed muster.

Where’s Ethan this weekend?

Your ol’ pal Ethan is going to take another trip to the wilds of conventionland to bring back more bloody Fiji Mermaids and Jenny Hanivers for your blog-reading perusal! That’s right, you heard right, I’m planning another series of articles based on my upcoming trip to the Baltimore Comic Con!

I’m only sticking around for the day, so I will have to be extra vigilant to catch the weirdness as it happens around me. I expect costumes, exhibitions, and the occasional mind-blowingly insane table of garbage, like at most cons. If you’re going to be at the con on Saturday I’ll be the guy who looks like this:

Maybe I’ll even wear the Mao T-shirt so you can recognize me. Say hello! I’d like to know if anyone reads this blog!

Sadly, even though I will be in Baltimore, I will not be able to visit my favorite roadside attraction, the Great Blacks in Wax wax museum. I will not be able to take pictures of Rosa Parks being thrown off a bus.

The Wonderful World of Disney and Muppets

More vacation photos from the crazy world of Disney!

This sign was all over the parks. It translates to “please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times,” but I felt that it was more like, “do not have a wild, awesome party inside the car. You and your kid. No party.”

The Muppets got bought up by Disney sometime in the early 90’s, so they have their own little corner of Disney World. Specifically, they have their own 3-D movie at Hollywood Studios (I did not have a fun time there, but that’s a story for another time). It’s kinda sad, the once-great Muppet empire reduced to half of a Disney gift shop, but they did get some of their own stuff for sale. Nothing unique, nothing that I picked up, but once you see what was for sale, you can understand why my wallet didn’t open.

When Kermit is decapitated, he doesn’t die. His head grows tentacles like some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare. He is evil in this form.

Kermit also suffers from an infectious gum disease, not helped by the fact that he has no teeth. It’s nasty and rotted in there. Beaker, on the other hand, is just bleeding from the mouth. It’s sad, the dental problems of Muppets these days.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Rape is a Circle

Part sexploitation flick, part drama, part low-budget thriller, this film explores the theory that cruelty creates ripples leading to further cruelty. Two young women hitch a ride, unaware that the driver who picks them up is a dangerous brute. Despite their desperate attempts to escape, he overpowers them and subjects them to unspeakable perversions. As the humiliations continue, the friendship between the two women becomes irreversibly damaged.

Really, the only reason I posted this was because I laughed pretty hard the first two or three times I read the last sentence of this description.

Also, from the customer reviews, it turns out the driver is a woman and the “he overpowers them” is a typo.

Weird Overheard in Disney Moment

Recovering from Disney has been longer than anticipated, and I haven’t blogged as much as I wanted to (or added the pictures up on Facebook yet, since they all have to be re-sized). So the updates are a little slow for now. Hell, I haven’t even unpacked and my apartment’s a mess.

But, while I have a second, let me throw you a little bone of joy, from the day I checked out. There was a middle-aged man checking out next to me and was (presumably) arguing over his bill. He and the concierge were going over some of the big ticket items on his bill and he was vehemently defending them. Until…

CONCIERGE: And how many times did you go to the Hoop Dee Doo Musical Review?
MAN (sheepishly): . . . three . . .

Sir, you have been CAUGHT attending multiple performances of the Hoop Dee Doo Musical Review! Hope it was worth it, those tickets are expensive.

Experience America with the American Experience

I love the countries in Epcot. Not as much as Futureworld (the part with the ball), but you get delicious food, some nice shopping (I got a bitchin’ Chairman Mao T-shirt in China), and friendly people. And the crowds are manageable. One of my favorites is, strangely, America. America gets its own pavilion called “The American Experience” where they host a 20-minute animatronic salute to the USA. It’s one of my favorite parts about Epcot and makes me feel good to be an American.

Of course, they have an American-themed gift shop. Replicas of the Constitution, books about Ben Franklin, Mickey Mouse shirts where he’s wearing red, white, and blue, and all that fun stuff. And, for some reason, this:

It’s a David Beckham t-shirt. Of course, he plays for the US now, but only for a year or two. He’s still remarkably British, I doubt he changed his citizenship just to play on a team. Not only that, they had a selection of David Beckham biographies. IN THE AMERICAN EXPERIENCE GIFT SHOP. Did we not have enough American athletes we could spotlight? Why is a chunk of the AMERICAN EXPERIENCE gift shop devoted to an athlete from a country we proudly fought to free ourselves from?

David Beckham, GET OUT OF OUR GIFT SHOP. Britain has a lovely gift shop who’d be happy to host your biography.

Thankfully, his shirt wasn’t being sold for full price, so he’s not making much off them. USA! USA! USA!

I’m back from Disney!

I’m back! The vacation to Disney was awesome and thanks to my digital camera I captured some GREAT things for this ol’ blog. Of course, I’ve only been home for a day or so and I’ve been running around, so I haven’t uploaded all my photos yet – but I have a nice one for you on this delightful Sunday night/Monday morning!

Remember how I found those delightful reviews for the film Camp Rock? It’s a Disney movie, if you recall, so it gets smeared all around Disney World fairly liberally (along with Hannah Montana, High School Musical, and the Jonas Brothers). It’s on pins and stuff as well as…

…a board game. I’m sure that 90-100% of tween girls absolutely think this is absolutely the best game ever absolutely, even though 90-100% of those girls have never played it. Much like the movie itself.

There’s also the face of Zac Efron. It’s everywhere. The boy is rivaling Walt for stage time, and that ain’t right. Of course, he’ll go the way of Haley Mills and Tommy Kirk, but for now, he’s a golden boy. And he gets his own socks!

And just with a few twists and turns and a digital camera, you’ve got a whole bunch of fun!

Take THAT, smarmy face of a teen idol! That’s from ETHAN KAYE, who has his OWN BLOG! One day you’re going to search for your name and on the 45,028th page you will find it on Feed Me A Kitten, blasting your socks that you’ve probably never approved and will definitely never wear. Score one for the little guy!

And there’s more to come, faithful readers! Pictures and stories from the great state of Florida!

Operation: Great Job!

I don’t make fun of retarded people. I think it’s unfunny and unfair. However, some labels I think are questionable. I think “touched” is a stupid one, if a little outdated, and “handicapable” is just trying too hard. That’s just me, I deal with semantics quite often and have word preferences. So with the kinder, gentler phrasing in mind, what do you think of this cover?

No one suspected him…

The Disney World Anal Retentive Vacation

So a head’s up to all 6 of you who read my blog – I am going on vacation! Your old pal Ethan is taking next week off and setting sail to gorgeous Lake Buena Vista (Spanish for “Lake Boon Vast”) for a week of fun at the most magical place on Earth, Disney World. I’ll be bringing the trusty laptop and hopefully getting some blogging in if I find weird stuff, but I’m warning you right now: it’s a vacation. I will be doing vacation things. I will be eating from buffets. I will plan on being very tired a lot. Updates may be sporadic, more sporadic than they are now.

When planning the Disney trip, though, there are numerous questions that need to be answered. Where to stay? (we’re staying at the Wilderness Lodge) What to eat? (Disney meal plan allows for some great choices) Where’s the Nazi hidden in a Disney mural? (it’s in the Grand Floridian). Luckily, there are literally dozens, if not hundreds, of websites devoted to helping you answer your questions and offer reader-generated tips, including gems like “the parks get crowded sometimes, so be prepared” (???).

I have searched a few of these sites and found one that absolutely screams “anal retentive.” I’m not going to list the name of the site, but I will link to it. First off, try to get over the bad site design. Most of the site is made up of ads and pinks and yellows, which have been known to drive prisoners mad. Still, it’s the perfect site if you want your trip planned down to the minute, as well as the 6 months prior to your trip. It offers such scheduling tips as:

and

If you’re looking to dine at the parks, not to worry, this man has every meal planned down to the 5 to 15-minute interval:

Yes, don’t worry, paranoid people, a five-minute variance is OK. It’s normal. Don’t freak out. I’m sure you can busy yourself for those five minutes, it’s Disney World after all.

The website assumes that you will be traveling with children, but it feels that there should be certain guidelines about which children to bring.

If you cannot find suitable children, you may need to leave a few at home and try and rent some for the trip (Disney does not offer child-rental services). The real issue, though is not necessarily the age or the height. It’s the brains. Thankfully, the writer of the site has given some thought to the issue, and come up with his take on it:

There’s a lot to do in the Disney theme parks. Aside from numerous schedules the writer has prepared, each differing in case you don’t have much money or if your children are (shudder) under 48 inches high, he has also put together a comprehensive list of attractions you can skip. He considers them “rides that almost no one will regret missing”. If you weren’t intrigued enough to click on the Nazi link, please check this link to an actual annotated spreadsheet. It’s a winner and a half.

And if the parks get dull, you can always enjoy the nightlife, like I found on Yahoo maps:

Wish me luck, friends, for I (and my girlfriend Katie, as well as season 2 of Heroes on DVD) am going to Disney World. And we’re not using that guy’s itinerary.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Silent Mobius

As Tokyo faces an onslaught by Lucifer Hawk, a demon determined to wipe out mankind, Officer Katsumi recalls what led her to join the Attacked Mystification Police, an elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet. A postapocalyptic cyberpunk adventure that blends elements of action, science fiction and horror, this anime film features stunningly detailed visuals.

Dear Japan,
Please, please stop. Stop with your little girl heroes, your obsession with police and detectives, and your desire to see Tokyo destroyed by demons or robots or whatever crap your self-loathing creative team comes up with this week. Stop. You, as a people and a country, are better than this.

For instance, there was a time when people associated Japanese cinema with the master Akira Kurasowa (we share a birthday, by the way). Seven Samurai was considered the best foreign film ever made at one point. People fawned over you guys. Now, where’s the love? One-third of the films you produce involve some sort of elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet, one-third are overly-bloody gangster films, and the final third are horror movies. How did you fall so far?

The part that gets me is obsessions. You constantly depict Tokyo being destroyed by something, in this case a “demon”. When Americans did that in Independence Day, people were shocked. It was a big deal. Sure, you get some property damage in American action films, but usually it’s fairly limited in scope – think Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. But you Japanese just love seeing Godzilla or Mothra or whomever beat the crud out of your capital city, killing your populace, film after film. Why?

And the cop thing. There used to be a rule that every anime had to have a fat cop as a comedic device. Now if there isn’t a fat cop, there’s a competent cop as the main character. Or detective. Or bounty hunter. Some sort of law enforcement. American films have cops in them too, but half the time they’re corrupt and the other half of the time they’re forced to play outside of the rules (again, think Die Hard). In fact, American films like seeing average Joes take on the bad guys instead of cops. So why do you insist on shoe-horning the police into all your movies?

I’m not even going to go into the tentacle thing. You guys have lived on an island, surviving off squid for too long.

In short, stop. Please stop this downward, yet circular trend you’ve fallen into. Stop the futuristic techno-crap. Stop with your post-apocalyptic obsessions and screaming desire to be ravaged by demons or robots or monsters. Stop naming your characters the Attacked Mystification Police, that’s just stupid. You need a 5-year moratorium on film/animation and you need to spend that time thinking about what you’ve produced as a nation for the last 20 years and how you’re going to make up for that.

Start by hosting a World’s Fair.