Found on eBay: Love

October 10, 2008 on 6:55 pm | In Insanity, advertising, ebay | No Comments

Every now and then I pop over to eBay and do a search for a very broad term, just to see what oddities come up. Today I did a search for “LOVE”. Let’s see what I found!

Native Baby Pouch Sling Papoose – Bundle with Love -NEW

If you can’t tell, it’s a little sling that looks like a duffel bag made in a third world country. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that it looks like Matthew McConaughey is endorsing this through his use of devil horns. I doubt that’s true, and if it was, is Matthew McConaughey really the face you want associated with your brand? He’s not well-known for being level-headed or clear thinking. The rest of the auction is filled up with about 50 pictures of other celebrities using the papoose, mostly Kerri Russell looking not interested.

Psychic love reading from Flora – unlimited questions

Bidders beware! You are not bidding on this fetching young(ish) lady! You are giving money for a phone call so she can talk to dead people for you! And then dead people will tell you about your love troubles! Don’t believe me? Here’s the description, the capitalization is hers (the dead are hard of hearing and she must yell):

MY NAME IS FLORA.

I AM A PSYCHIC WHO FOR THE PAST FEW MONTHS NOW, HAVE BEEN GIVING PSYCHIC READINGS ON E-BAY AND I HAVE COVERED ALL ISSUES, WHICH HAVE HELPED MANY PEOPLE ALONG THE WAY.

I DO NOT DO GENERAL READINGS, BUT TRY TO ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE ABOUT LIFE’S UP AND DOWNS.

DRAWING ON MY FAMILY, IN SPIRIT, FOR INSPIRATION, I HAVE BEEN GIVING READINGS FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY FOR QUITE A FEW YEARS NOW.

I FEEL A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS, AS HAVE SO MANY DOWN THE AGES. LOVE AND THE PROBLEMS THEY BRING ARE AGELESS.

I FEEL SPIRIT FEELS EMPATHY, AS THEY HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED THESE PROBLEMS, WHEN ON THE EARTH PLANE AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO USE MY INSIGHT AND SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE, IN ANY LOVE PROBLEMS YOU MIGHT HAVE.

Why limit yourself to love, Flora? If the dead are speaking through you, don’t they have better things to tell you than “tell him he’s going to meet a brunette”? This is our channel to God and what’s it being used for? Crush advice. You make me sick. And that’s even without reading feedback by her fans, one of whom is named “!galadriel!”

The Man Who Loves Women! – Dimples (CD 1994)

Dimples is a man who wants give you the sex thing. He’s not too skilled with design tools, as evidenced by his CD, and I’m guessing his grasp of English isn’t too hot, as evidenced by the Borat-esque title. To that end, I’d like to give his commentary for his track listings (ok, I’m making it up):

I Wish Mama Was Here Tonight!: A soulful ballad where I have sex thing with woman but I think of mother.
Don’t Turn Your Back On My Love: My love am here to stay, it will not go away on you with others. Okay!
Natural High: I get drink drunk on wine and sex thing.
I Do The Job: I work daytime at Payless, but I makes money to buying nice things for woman. I love woman!
Rainbow ‘95: I make mistake in Bangaladesh college in 1995 and go to wrong door for sex thing.
Good “N” Plenty: I will buy you candies if you having sex with me. I live two blocks away from drugstore.
I’m Hooked On Your Lovin’: Dimples is lonely man.
Meet Me Tonight!: Internet date is cute but she no email me so I propose meet tonight! Aha!
Freaky Lover: I have not met one of these, but I read about them in book.
You Can Have My Heart: I gave heart to woman in Bangaladesh college but she no go there and I cannot find her. I feel ashamed.
Sugar Boom Boom: This comedy song. Big hit at shows.
I Want Love In My Sex: I am not serious, I will take sex thing without love. I will pay money or pay off your student loans.
I’ll Try Something New: This is a Smokey Robinson cover.

Lee Middleton ” HONEY LOVE DUCK Green ” NIB

Last time I saw a doll with that face and the word “love” in its name, let’s just say it wasn’t for sale on eBay.

3-X SIGN LANGUAGE T SHIRT..I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE

The setup and the punchline don’t work together. No one should be warning someone that they love something, especially something as benign as sign language. I could understand a shirt that said “WARNING! I love Hitler’s ideals and his book Mein Kampf!” or “WARNING! I love rubbing against girls on the train”, especially if it’s a part of a community service deal, but sign language? Maybe it’s warning people that you’re wearing a 3XL shirt and approaching you rapidly.

Jail Bait Bird PRISONER OF LOVE Costume S-M CONVICT HAT

This is a STRICT prison, if you’re not allowed to keep your head attached to your torso. “Prisoner of Love” my ass, Prisoner of Taliban more like it. One of the costume’s previous wearers is modeling this, but unfortunately she was caught outside after 4PM and well, you can see what happens to law breakers.

Stunning Mother’s Love oil painting by William Schimmel

This painting is being made available to people who live in an area where they can’t get this airbrushed on their van. This is, quite possibly, the ugliest thing i’ve ever encountered, and I’ve watched both the Elephant Man and the GG Allin biography. A snow leopard and cub in front of blue and red mountains and a moon floating underneath. Is this missing a band logo somewhere? Should there be a wizard in this?