Not Thrilling!

Really, Batman? Really? You can’t pull out tiny stakes that are hammered into SAND? The ones at your feet are hammered into WET SAND, and you still are struggling with them? Really? Is this really a credible threat to you?

Didn’t think so. Get with it, Batman.

The Don Pardo Game

There is a new game. All-around funnyman Dun Dunford and I have invented a new game. It is called the Don Pardo Game.

This is Don Pardo. He is the announcer for Saturday Night Live.

Here’s the game:

In the voice of Don Pardo (you know what it sounds like), you need to create the oddest SNL musical guest/guest host combination you can think of. Now, SNL has had some amazingly weird guests in the past, so coming up with actual guests should be a snap. It’s always more fun when you use the actual guests they’ve had. But you have to put the names in the classic Don Pardo SNL announcement format.

“With musical guest _______! And your host, _______!”

F’r instance, “With musical guest Fishbone! And your host, Jeremy Irons!”
Or, “With musical guest Warren G featuring Nate Dogg! And your host, Ian McKellan!”

The more unlikely the better. And if you have a real loser of a pair, you can always do the highly unattractive “in two weeks” pairing:

“Saturday Night Live with return in two weeks with musical guest Fine Young Cannibals and your host, Wayne Gretzky!”

Makes you want to tune in, right? And to top it off, that one was a real combination that appeared in 1989. Some more actual pairings include such unlikely mash-ups as:

10. Robert Klein/ABBA
9. Ruth Gordon/Chuck Berry
8. Christopher Lee/Meat Loaf
7. Howard Hesseman/Men at Work
6. Ed Koch/Dexy’s Midnight Runners
5. Macaulay Culkin/Tin Machine
4. Justine Bateman/Terence Trent D’Arby
3. George Wendt/Philip Glass
2. George Steinbrenner/Morris Day and the Time
1. Wayne Gretzky/Fine Young Cannibals

The thing is, you HAVE to do this out loud, with the Don Pardo voice. It doesn’t work well at all in print. How do I know? Dan and I played the Don Pardo game for four hours while we drove around Westchester today. Here’s a hint: you can always lean on musical guest Puff Daddy featuring Jimmy Page or guest host Steve Forbes.

Have fun!

The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DIERDRE: I AM SO GONNA GET ME A MAN AT THIS DAMN CONVENTION!

JENNY: Oh, D, no. Not like that. That’s showing too much.

DIERDRE: WHATEVA, BITCH! I GONNA SHOW OFF HERMIONE’S GOOD STUFF!

JENNY: But that’s just rude. Your boobies are hanging out, and that’s not right for going out in public.

DIERDRE: YOU WATCH ME, BITCH! I GONNA SHAKE ‘DIS MONEYMAKER AND I GONNA BAG ME A HOT SKINNY-ASS HARRY POTTER!

JENNY: D, someone might take a picture.

DIERDRE: LET ‘EM TAKE MY DAMN PICTURE! I’M ALL LOOKING GOOD WITH MY LITTLE HOGWARTS TIE! I’M GONNE BREAK ME OFF SOME SKINNY HUFFLEPUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYIN’?

JENNY: That’s it, I’m not going to the convention with you.

DIERDRE: I’M GONNA BE ALL LIKE, “SNAPE, YOU ABOUTS TO GET UP ALL IN MY BIZNESS!” AND…WAIT, YOU AIN’T GOIN’? GIIIIIIRL?

JENNY: Not if you’re going to wear half of a Hermione costume with your naughty bits hanging out. I can get my back issues of Liberty Meadows elsewhere.

DIERDRE: DAAAAAAAMN!

JENNY: So you’ll just have to take a cab, you can forget about riding in my car.

DIERDRE: WHAT WHAT? I’M GONNA GET A LITTLE HUNGARIAN HORNYTAIL ACTION! YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?

JENNY: Maybe you can call Emma or Victor for a ride, but I’m going to go home. Have fun, Gryffindork.

DIERDRE: AW, WHO NEEDS YOU, SKINNY BITCH? I’M GONNA GET MY DARK ARTS ON, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYING? FIND ME A RON AND A HARRY AND MAKE ME A HERMIONE SAMMICH! WORD UP!

The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DAD: Hey Luke, that’s a pretty far out get up.

LUKE: Huh. Yeah. See, it combines my awesome kilt with this awesome Batman mask.

DAD: No, no, I see that. But why? Batman doesn’t wear a kilt.

LUKE: Huh. No. But he wears a cape, and that’s sort of like a kilt.

DAD: Nope, other than the fact that it’s a section of fabric, the two are not similar. Why did you think something so dumb?

LUKE: Huh. Ok, the truth is that I wanted to go as Batman but I wanted to involve my Druid/Wiccan heritage too.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans? What the hell are you talking about? You’re Roman Catholic, like me and your mom.

LUKE: Huh. No way, Dad. I’m really the eleventh incarnation of a Scottish warlock. My real name’s Grimstorm.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans don’t wear kilts, Luke. They wear robes.

LUKE: Huh, nuh uh! When you’re from Scotland, like Grimstorm is, you wear a kilt!

DAD: Does this have anything to do with those new friends you made at the Ren Faire?

LUKE: Huh. Uh…no.

DAD: …Luke…

LUKE: Huh…Uh, shut up! My friends know the truth about me and Grimstorm! They’re all in touch with nature and past lives! And I’m…I’m a Scottish Druid.

DAD: And why Batman, Luke? Why are you combining the kilt with Batman?

LUKE: Huh. I had the costume from last Halloween, when I worked at Suncost Video.

DAD: Luke, we need to talk. Your grades are slipping, I’ve gotten a few calls from your teachers. And for someone who spends all his time at the Renaissance Faire, your History grade is really low.

LUKE: Huh. It’s not my fault. The History books don’t talk about the real stuff that happened back then, like mud beggars and Highlanders and wenches singing ribald songs. If I could teach that class, things would be different.

DAD: I…I have to rethink your college savings, son.

The Hatter in New York

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you’ll know that my guilty comic convention pleasure is getting commissioned sketches of Batman villain The Mad Hatter. Currently I have 16 sketches from all up and down comicdom, most of which are framed and hanging in my hallway. Maybe someday I’ll put them all in a book to publish or something. But for now, I just collect, collect, collect!

I picked up some amazing commissions this weekend at the Big Apple Comic Con, a testament to the caliber of artist the con is attracting. I apologize for the picture quality, my digital camera isn’t that good at taking close-up photos of art.

Here’s a fantastic one from Sean Chen (Iron Man, Salvation Run).

Here’s one from John Cebollero (colorist for numerous books, inker for Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight).

I got one from Mini Marvels artist/writer Chris Giarrusso. I’ve wanted to get a Mad Hatter done in the Mini Marvel style since seeing him do commissions at the Baltimore Comic Con.

The first sketch I have in color is from former New Warriors/Night Thrasher artist Guy Dorian. This one took some time, and I’m happy for the extra effort.

One of my favorite creators was at the con with his wife and daughter, and he gave a quick inked sketch of the Hatter. The signature reads “Evan Dorkin needs to pencil more”. Check out his “Milk & Cheese” and “Dork”, collections out now!

Longtime Marvel artist Alan Kupperberg (who also did work for National Lampoon, which is awesome) and I talked over the incarnations of the Hatter for a bit, and he gave me this great sketch. When I picked it up he told me that when he was done he kicked himself for not putting Batman’s head rolling out of the cowl.

And finally, you can’t go wrong with current superstar Rags Morales (Identity Crisis).

The Top 10 Odd Things at the Big Apple Comic Con

Comic Conventions are odd places to begin with. Comic superstars sit side by side with men selling bootleg porno, while grown adults dressed as cats haggle over autographs with the guy who played Lisa Kudrow’s boyfriend for one episode of Friends. And yet, there’s so much going on that you can’t help but spending hours going through back issue bins and looking all over for that one particular Daredevil trade you absolutely 100% must have (it’s volume 3, by the way).

But then there’s stuff that makes you wonder, “what the hell were we thinking?” And that’s what this blog is about today. The ten things at this weekend’s Big Apple Comic Con in NYC that were just plain…odd.

10. Lil’ Marilyn Manson
For starters, I like Marilyn Manson, and the album that this came from, Golden Age of Grotesque, is probably his best. However, it’s Marilyn Manson. The man who Christian groups have protested since the early 90’s. The man who even Trent Reznor stopped hanging out with because he was too weird. And yet, he’s a cute little walking toy. Please do not leave this toy with children.

9. Pink Panther Keys and Cash
Say nothing of the strangeness inherent in paying real money to get fake money, this little darling is one of the few examples of a moderately successful cartoon becoming a completely useless toy: a pink wallet. Any boy who bought this toy (or whose confused parents bought it for him) was instantly ridiculed and kicked off the football team. Plus it’s made of remarkably flimsy plastic so the whole thing would crack and fall apart after about a day. This is truly, teh suk.

8. Hulk toy
Among all of the unlicensed stuff being sold, this unlabeled Hulk toy (no poseable limbs and feet somehow stuck into a pitcher’s mound) stood out to me. Mostly because it looks like Ernest Borgnine. MCHALE SMASH!

7. Boyfriend 64
Despite the title, it’s not a catalog of boyfriends you could purchase in 1964. Yet, since it was located on a table with porn magazines, it had other connotations. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book (it’s a hardcover book, not a magazine) and found pictures of all your favorite flashes in the pan from 1964, badly colored with watercolor! No exposed genitals at all! I can’t imagine this lasting longer than one year thought, and not because of the deceptive title that probably ruined the evening of many pervy purchasers. Who was going to wait for another year to buy a hardcover book of pop stars?

6. Random Pay Phone
Sure, you can put down $20K on a single comic book (Detective Comics 31 as one booth was selling) or $15K on a page of Frank Miller art, but why spend cash on things that make sense when there’s perfectly bizarre stuff that has nothing to do with comics to buy? Like this broken payphone that someone was selling.

5. Seinfeld Bloopers
Make no mistake, kids. This is a DVD of Seinfeld bloopers. The same things you can find as special features on any regular Seinfeld DVD. Just compiled onto one DVD. Save yourself the expense of purchasing three seasons of Seinfeld just for the bonus material and just purchase some grainy second/third-generation bootleg!

4. Stuffed Riddler
When you think of “cuddly”, I’m sure that “Batman villain” is not one of the first thousand things that comes to mind. Yet for some licensor, this made perfect sense. “Kids love the Riddler, so they must want to sleep with him too!” And isn’t that was kids really would prefer over bears and puppies and raccoons? (I had a stuffed raccoon) A man in a suit with no pupils? Yep, hook my child up with a stuffed man in a suit and have him start off down that long road to a soulless corporate job early! Or clue-based crime.

3. Sting foam things
For the foam finger on the left, he looks like an Archie character. On the right…let’s just say that there’s one pro wrestler in this picture who might be a little hopped up on goofballs. I’m sure he was overjoyed when he looked out from the ring and saw these staring back at him, with his (apparent) trademark “lazy eye yet still ramped on crack cocaine” look. This is one of those things you sign off on BEFORE it’s produced.

2. Spider-Man Gumball Machine
This just screams “WE DIDN’T TRY!” It’s a gumball machine, straight out of any candy store, with a Spider-Man figure stuck to the top of it. And that’s IT. The designs on the machine itself have nothing to do with Spider-Man, they’re the same abstract, art deco antique designs you’d find on any gumball machine. There’s no effort to match the colors or designs of the character. It’s just a figure stuck to a gumball machine. For $15. Perfect for your friends who have an enormous love of gum and a passing fancy for Spider-Man.

1. The Twins of Dracula lobby card
The joke is obvious. The TWINS of Dracula! And she’s topless! Twins!
To hammer this joke even farther, the ace salesman who was peddling this merchandise told me that “for $5, you can see the titties.” I told him that I didn’t need $5 to see titties, as this was New York, and he shrugged. But get it? TWINS of Dracula! Ho ho!

And, as a bonus, I took a creative picture of a comic called “The Man In Black Called Fate”.

I like to think of it as “Johnny Cash, the later years.”

Turkey – NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The nation of Turkey has failed.

According to this Variety story, the Turkish town of “Batman” is suing Warner Brothers and director Chris Nolan for the use of the name “Batman” in their film The Dark Knight.

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

The article goes on to say that this is most likely a ploy to get some money, and that the mayor is trying to find some documentation that the town existed before Batman’s creation in 1939. My thought on this is that if the mayor can’t find proof of when his town existed, then 1) the mayor is a moron, 2) the town is a backwoods loser town that doesn’t know when it was founded. But wait, there’s more from mayor Dogpatch!

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

Blaming a movie for unsolved murders and female suicides? Are they going to blame the movie for bewitching cattle to produce less milk and cursing the stableboy so he cannot speak without a lisp? Although I have no proof other than my fertile imagination, I suspect that the town is suing for some ridiculous sum of $550, which will make everyone rich beyond their wildest dreams. Either that or a few head of cattle. Or a few magic rubies from the crown of the skeleton king.

Thing is, this is the first they’re complaining about this, when the film stands to do 1 billion in profits. Not when the Batman TV show came out, not when the films Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, or Batman Begins were released, films that included the name “Batman” in the title, unlike The Dark Knight. Not even when Turkish filmmakers released their own bastardized version, Yarasa Adam: Betmen.

Sorry, Turkey, you guys have failed. I have often admired Turkey, owning an original poster for the Woody Allen film Sleeper in Turkish, with painted artwork unique to Turkey. And a good friend of mine, comic artist Nadir Balan is from Turkey and he turned out alright. But suing Warner Brothers? Enjoy walking back to the village with your asses burned off.

We’re gonna make a BABY! Through the internet!

American advertising has, unfortunately, gone insane. It always has been a bit mad, what with making an antacid a living creature with arms and legs and exposing us to the phrase “Dude, You’re Getting A Dell,” but now things have gotten out of hand. Now we can use the magics of the internets to actually create our children.

Yes, this is something the Russians could never have put together.

Thanks to a website advertising some damn car, we can combine photographs to MAKE OUR OWN BABY. Take your photo, the photo of a loved one, and with a bit of technological wizardry, the program squishes them together into something resembling offspring. Just to think, the internet was originally invented to make the military converse faster and now just LOOK! You can combine faces into a single person.

Amazing! Fantastic! Awesome! This internet that sends emails around the world, files your taxes and translates documents can now be used for a tangential advertising campaign for a car! A car and a baby have nothing to do with each other! And lo and behold, there it is! Thank you, internets! You are awesome!

Why, you could expand your mind by reading Wizard online, or research historical characters like Sir Fredereck Gas on wikipedia, or even watch women urinate on any number of websites, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO, you’re spending your time squishing faces together to see what your kids would look like. Does it work? Well, judge for yourself.

Thank God He Quit His Day Job: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

For you youngsters growing up in these modern times, you probably know Mark Wahlberg, the star of films such as Invincible, Planet of the Apes, and the underrated comedy The Big Hit (I’m serious). You probably think that life is pretty sweet for Mr. Wahlberg, especially since his brother Donnie finally rejoined his old band and stopped borrowing money. But Mark has a secret. A secret that kids born in the last 15 years don’t know about.

You see, Mark used to be a rapper. He released albums under the name “Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch”. He looked like this:

And went out in public looking as such. Now, you have to know that in the early 90’s there was an interesting phenomenon: anyone could rap. It’s true, pussy-ass white kids from the suburbs could go out and put a few tracks down and people would be ok with that. Nowadays you have to prove that you’re tough enough to rap, but in the 90’s anything went. And as Vanilla Ice showed us, you could make it big even when you sucked. And Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch sucked more than normal.

Marky Mark’s big hit was a rap over the classic Lou Reed gem “Walk on the Wild Side”, a song that most people would enjoy listening to. Sadly, Marky Mark’s rendition was abysmal, throwing out painful cliches, embarrassing rhymes, and a social conscience that is more or less laughable. I offer a little bit of commentary through Mark’s song. Imagine Lou Reed looping in the back, with the sax part repeated two or three times.

Ah yeah huh..America the Beautiful
Huh, yeah, let me introduce y’all..to the Wildside

Things go badly right from the start. This is the “call out” like many rap songs have, except Marky gets sarcastic about America and then introduces us to his much lamer alternative, “The Wildside”. The listener hopes that the Wildside offers an improvement over America, but that is not to be the case. In comparison, if America the Beautiful was a decent-sized car with a few problems, The Wildside is a cramped broken car that is filled to the windows with pee.

Annie was a high school cheerleader
Pom poms and bobby socks, no girl was sweeter
Come Prom time everybody was on the line
All the fellas swinging nickel and dime
Tales about love and lust and trust
But Annie took it all in stride
Cause deep inside Annie had aspirations
Wanted to be a chemical engineer
Making 50 to 55 thousand a year
Her first year of college was a success
But along came Billy possessed and obsessed
He took Annie on a fatal date
And showed her things that make heartbeats accelerate
Annie took a hit breathed two short breaths
One for life..the last for death
Now she’s gone, a former Valedictorian
Ended up becoming a topic for historians
Washed up dreams and shattered pride
All because Annie took a hit – on the Wildside

Chemical Engineer? This is what was decided on in the writing room? A mid-level chemical engineer is what Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch chose to make his song about. After an exhaustive internet search using the most up-to-date software available (google), there are officially NO songs out there that deal with the protagonist aspiring to be a chemical engineer. Wichita lineman, yes, chemical engineer, no.

This girl, so set on her job working in a lab and being middle class, refuses to go to prom, yet is coerced into taking drugs on a first date and dying. And what drug is she “taking hits” of? Well, it’s not marijuana, since that doesn’t kill you. And smoking coke and heroin are not usual activities for college freshmen. Nope, she was convinced to either smoking crack or angel dust. See how this doesn’t add up, Marky Mark? There’s a reason marijuana is called a gateway drug – BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T START OUT SMOKING CRACK.

Oh, and rhyming “Valedictorian” with “historians” is a huge, huge offense to the English language.

Ron had enough of being broke everyday
Saying to himself, there’s gotta be a betta way
Cause 9 to 5 wasn’t worth the headaches
So Ron figured out a faster way to make – money
Before you know it, he’s a rich man
Gold on every finger of his hand
A brand new BMW, a condo, Ron ended up a John Doe
A body was found in the alley but never clained
Full of bullet holes but none to blame
Ron became another victim of homicide
Because he chose to walk – on the Wildside

A rich guy, Ron, dies violently after amassing a small fortune and purchasing much gold, fancy cars and (the horrors!) a condo. And the body was never claimed? Mark, even David Ruffin’s body was claimed and he was a mess when he died. If he was selling drugs, odds are someone noticed. Then again, this was the early 90’s and we didn’t have shows like Bones that could identify a corpse from something as small as a toenail. Maybe in the 90’s the police were too busy looking for Jon Benet Ramsey’s killer that they couldn’t connect an empty condo and an abandoned BMW with a John Doe. And yes, he does rhyme “homicide” with “Wildside,” and as we shall see, he also goes for the other easy one in the next verse.

Charles had everything going for him
A top paying job, a good life, a good wife
A baby boy on the way any day
A gentleman attitude is all he displayed
Carol was the wife he loved and adored
Her family and freinds treated him like an Ambassador
One night on the other side of town
A police dispatcher picked up a weird sound
Charles on the car phone asking for help
Claiming a burglar shot his wife and himself
His pregnant wife lay slumped over
Dreams corrupted and a young life over
Extensive searches throughout the projects
Put a lot of people through misery and wreck
Everyone a suspect til someone was found
Interrigated cause their skin was brown
Then there was Bennett, guilty until proven so
But soon as the case started moving slow
What do you know, sure as as sea gull gets webbed toed
Charles was the culprit
The whole plot was an insurance scam
Charles and his brother came up with a plan
Kill Carol, collect a big check
Blame it on a black man, what the heck?
And just before the story was known
Charles had a feeling that his cover was blown
So he jumped offa bridge
Committed suicide
This is how it is – on the Wildside

This reads like a goddam Canterbury Tale. I am of the opinion that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch went a little overboard on this verse, since it comprises more lines than the Lord’s Prayer. Granted, only about half the lines are NOT ridiculously bad, but we’re talking all-inclusive here. Some of the greatest hits:

“Carol was the wife he loved and adored
Her family and freinds treated him like an Ambassador”

Huh? What? They graciously accepted him to dinners and listened to him bitch about the way trade was going?

“Extensive searches throughout the projects
Put a lot of people through misery and wreck”

Nice rhyme there, Marky Mark. It has about the same complexity as a 9-year-old’s poem about the first Thanksgiving.

“But soon as the case started moving slow
What do you know, sure as as sea gull gets webbed toed”

This is why Marky Mark never got any street cred. Never, ever, ever. When he dies I want to visit his grave and drop this lyric on his grave and pour out a 40 of Juicy Juice, because this line is hella fruity.

And finally,
Little Tiffany, only thirteen
Came to the city, place of big dreams
Visiting family and friends for the summertime
Sittin’ on a mailbox, watchin’ the boys climb trees
And the girls play hopscotch
So far, her vacation was top notch
Then out of the blue, a Mercedes at top speed
Gang bangers chasin’ the robbers on the stampede
Quick as a blink shots rang out loud
And a hail of bullets zipped through the crowd
One hit Tiffany, and instantly she died
Innocently – on the Wildside

Her vacation sounds dull. Watching other people have fun is not a fun vacation. And where the hell are there trees to climb in NYC that are close to roads? The horse paths in Central Park? Maybe the boys were climbing one of the few trees that are stuck in the concrete and surrounded by dangerous spikes to keep dogs away? I don’t know what trees Marky Mark is talking about.