If only I had a camera…

This morning, walking to work, I saw a chauffeur waiting for someone in front of the Hotel Pennsylvania. It’s one of those things where he gets a call, drives over, and stick the little sign in his window with the name of the fare on it.

This morning, according to the sign in his window, he was waiting for Al Coholic. Keep waiting, dude.

Old Navy – do research before you put a campaign together

Ok, so Old Navy, a clothing store I don’t go into, is having a new campaign launched for their yoga pants. It’s called “Old Navy GOGA,” which is some combination of “yoga” and the word “go.” GOGA.

Apparently there’s a contest where you do a dance in the store and you can win a Wii or pants or something. Whatever, it makes them happy.

The catch is that GOGA has been used as an acronym repeatedly in the porn industry. It stands for “Girl on Girl Action”. So good job, Old Navy. You’re not making me think of yoga when I walk past your store on my way to work.

Our Video Game History Part VIII

Welcome back to another exciting edition of Our Video Game History, the feature on this site that makes us take a hard look at the goods we spend our hard-earned money on back in the day. Those days were full of badly-thought-out game design and, no shock here, bad box art. People tend to forget that the packaging of a game is even more important than the game itself, because if you don’t want to pick the game up and put it in your cart at Silo or Crazy Eddie’s or whatever bankrupt electronics store from the 80’s, the game doesn’t get played.

Sadly, people forgot this rule.

AKA “Completely Stoned Mouthbreathers Find A Radio and Some Elephants.” You guys see the elephants? Guys? Guys? Oh, you’re just staring at your hand again. Good job, guys.

“The Carmen Sandiego convention was obviously not at the cemetery, like my contact had told me. I waited, patiently, looking for someone else dressed like the super spy, but no such luck. Fog came off the mountain, as I realized that someone didn’t know how to draw feet.”

Ideally, the “funcyclopedia” that comes with the game has some passing mention of WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE TO SEE ALL THESE ANIMALS. A koala on the same continent as a tiger? An elk and a chimpanzee living right next to each other? Really, spies and attacking tigers are the least of your worries at this point, fella. My first point of action would be PICK UP SPY PHONE, REPORT ZOO TO AUTHORITIES.

Back in the 1700’s, a woman would do a cross-stitch piece to show prospective husbands that they were skilled at wifely arts. This cross-stitch, sadly, would probably turn away all suiters (including that rake Mr. Darcy) and wind the poor lady up in the gutter, head full of fantasies of windmills, ogres, and Italian bakers, as well as lice. Are there no prisons for these box designers? Are there no workhouses?

I have no data to back this up, but I suspect this was the #1 Dragon Who Is Selling Magazine Subscriptions game of all time. You could choose if you were selling them for a school band, an after-school sports team, or just to earn yourself neat prizes like walkie talkies or a tent. The magazine you sell is Grit.

“No, sorry sir, Mr. Holmes is just a consulting detective. No, he won’t go out in the field with you, but he’ll take an office in your building and advise from there. He’s skilled at putting presentations together, he is. He’ll give suggestions, but no, no, he won’t be doing any of the actual labor. He just consults now, after the retirement. I’ll pencil you in for a capabilities discussion.”

Or burn to death, I guess. Or get eaten by a shark. You do have more options than just sink or swim.

Finally, a game that has absolutely no component on its cover that makes it interesting or attractive to purchase! A game that 100% fails! Way to go, Skaphander der Aufrag!

Wanted: Writer who knows how to make things plural.

Because I love you…

…I share my obsessive Mad Hatter collection with you. This is the newest acquisition, an original pencilled and inked page from Mark Buckingham’s Shadow of the Bat #79. Casual comic fans might know Buckingham as the penciller of the ultra-popular Fables series.

I bought the piece off of Anthony’s Collectibles, a website that is practically overflowing with amazing comic art for sale, most at very reasonable prices (mine cost only $65 and is worth much more than that to me). Take a look and jump into collecting original comic art!

2008: The year in review part 2

We’re back with more synopses of movies you might want to pick up and movies you quite possibly want to stay away from, like a mangy dog with VD.

Spike Jones: The Legend (1951) – If you don’t know Spike Jones, you should. The man was a force of nature in the 40’s and 50’s, with his band of City Slickers and bizarre renditions of popular songs. A lot of what he did is still being imitated, often unconsciously. Most of the DVD is guest appearances on popular programs, which does involve some repeats here and there, but the material is dynamite all the time. I just got his bio for Hanukkah, so that’s on my reading list.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – You know, those Michael Myers “Halloween” movies are great, but there’s just so much more you can do with the holiday of Halloween. Thankfully, Halloween III has diddly to do with the plot of the first two movies and instead tells the tale of an evil toy company stealing Stonehenge and using its energy to create masks that turn your face into snakes and bugs. This indeed made it to theaters, and people indeed paid money for this. Special effects are flat out retarded, the characters make the wrong decisions almost always, and no one bothered to think that Stonehenge had to do with ley lines, not just a bunch of old rocks standing in a circle.

Jack-O (1995) – I only wish this was a bigger cult film than it is. The movie is a disaster from start to finish, think “The Room” but with a semi-murderous pumpkin-headed monster. Virtually no one in this film is an actor but that’s ok, as a real actor would probably object to the incredibly bland dialogue and storyline. Plot holes, logic holes, and even casting holes abound. “Casting holes?” you say? Yup. John Carradine died in the 80’s. The producer of Jack-o bought a couple seconds of film of John looking grim in a cloak and reciting some vague goth nonsense, then edited the film around that so John Carradine is “in” the movie as an evil wizard. Say nothing of the fact that every time you see his face the film stock changes and every time some cast member has to interact with him he’s always shot from the back, wearing a hooded cloak to hide the fact that HE’S AN EXTRA WITH NO LINES.

The Chronological Donald: Vol. 1 (1934) – After coming back from Disney World I was on a Disney high that has lasted until the present. Naturally I wanted more more more, so this chronological presentation of Donald Duck cartoons was perfect. It’s hosted by Leonard Maltin, whose main role was to come on in-between cartoons and say things like, “Now, back in the 1940’s it was common to see black people portrayed like this, and no offense was meant at all,” and “In this cartoon you’ll see Donald put a gun to his head and pray for death, but that’s no indication that viewers should follow his example.” Donald also smokes cigarettes, tries to win a pipe from a claw machine game, and uses the line “I might as well be in a concentration camp” when protesting against doing work. The cartoons are still awesome, despite Maltin’s warning labels.

The Man in the Glass Booth (1975) – Again, part of my Nazi-hunter movie phase. Maximillian Schell is a Jewish man arrested as an escaped Nazi, then takes pleasure in becoming this new evil character. It’s a little over the top in places (every time Schell speaks), but it was a good film to watch one Saturday morning when I felt like curling up on the couch with my cat and watching movies about Nazi atrocities.

Thinking XXX (2004) – After reading the Legs McNeill book “The Other Hollywood” I started finding more information about the history of the porn world. “Thinking XXX” is candid conversations with porn stars on the set of a photo shoot for a coffee table book. It’s a lot of casual nudity, so keep the kids away from this one.

Roadie (1980) – Meatloaf! In his first big screen role! The screen can barely hold his face! It’s huge! And it keeps looking at the camera! This was part of the Monster Society of Evil’s “Too Many Musicians” night, because aside from Meatloaf, it stars Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Hank Williams Jr, Blondie, and Don Cornelius. It’s not entertaining as a movie, but verbally berating the characters on the screen (”WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ROY ORBISON???”) makes up for the various offenses committed by this film. Do NOT watch this alone, as you will probably lose IQ points.

The Tick Vs. Season 1 (1994) – If you’re linking to this blog through Wizard, there’s no need to tell you how good this cartoon was. If you didn’t, this cartoon was very smart and funny, and followed the comic series very, very closely.

Dear Santa (1998) – If there is a God, he was looking the other way when they filmed this. It’s a VERY lame retelling of The Santa Clause as done by actors who might have been dynamite in their community theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun,” but are a mess here. Lines are read so deliberately that you expect a chorus line to form behind the actors. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and the actors have a very hard time not looking at the camera in every shot. If I filmed myself shouting obscenities while peeing on a tree, it would be a better holiday film than this.

2008: The year in review

I haven’t made a big deal out of this whole “now it’s 2009″ thing, but in all honesty, I haven’t been thinking much about it. I’m mostly interested in my work, my writing, upcoming conventions, and obsessively collecting more items for the Mad Hatter collection (new page of Mark Buckingham Hatter art from Shadow of the Bat #79 is on it’s way, and I’m waiting to get four Batman vs Hatter trading cards from 1966 matted properly). But in the spirit of saying goodbye to 2008, I’d like to share with you something very personal. Something that I generally keep very secret and only share with close, close friends.

My Netflix rental history for 2008.

It’s a recap of the stuff that I enjoyed, with my hilarious mini-review following it. Why hilarious? Because the majority of the stuff I rented was absolutely awful. Like, I searched out films that had less than 2 stars. And this is what my life is.

Exploring the Da Vinci Code (2005) – Henry Lincoln was one of the great names in Holy Grail scholarship, and the theories he presented in “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” became the basis for The Da Vinci Code. That being said, you’d think he’d be more excited in hosting this DVD. The Da Vinci Code movie isn’t mentioned, Da Vinci is not mentioned, and Lincoln more or less travels around France pointing out some strange things that point to some sort of conspiracy or hidden knowledge. No conclusions are made. It’s kinda cool, but he keeps mentioning that none of these clues actually mean anything. Weird.

The Hot Rock (1972) – Uh…heist film starring Robert Redford and Zero Mostel. I listed it when I was going through a Zero Mostel phase, ended up not watching this film.

The Pink Chiquitas (1987) – Frank Stallone. A movie about nymphomaniac aliens. Mostly Frank Stallone. Sly’s less-talented brother swaggers through numerous scenes where he’s a badass and everyone falls for him. It wasn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen, but definitely the worst about nymphomaniac aliens (mostly due to Frank Stallone’s presence). Not sure who thought green-lighting this movie was a good idea, but hopefully they have been stopped by now.

Trekkies 2 – (2004) – The first Trekkies movie was fun. You got to laugh at the fun folks who thought they were aliens and that they went to some space academy. If this were the 1700’s, they would have ended up in a mental hospital, but now they’re dentists and lawyers and stuff. This sequel meets some new friends, and catches up with some old ones, most importantly the kid who was interviewed for the first one and ended up screaming at his friend through the phone when he interrupted the interview. He and his dad film fan episodes of Star Trek in their garage. Both are married to actual women.

Black Adder: Series 1 – I’m going to list all the Black Adders under one heading, since I watched them all at once. A very funny show, but after three discs or so, I lost interested and had to rent something else. That something was…

Can’t Stop the Music (1980) – Yes, the Village People movie. People always remember it as being the Village People movie, but they forget that it also stars Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine (topless scene!), and Bruce Jenner before he got his faced removed by plastic surgery. Remarkably, Steve Guttenberg’s acting is truly the gayest thing in this movie that stars the Village People. It gets way disturbing way fast. The film is more or less The Muppet Movie with flamboyantly dressed dancer/singers. Oddly enough, the leather motorcycle enthusiast’s rendition of “Danny Boy” is the highlight of an otherwise awful film.

Chariots of the Gods (1972) – I got this for Katie, thinking that it was a version of the film about ancient astronauts landing on Earth that I saw as a child. I was big into that stuff when I was little (and now, when I’m bigger), so a film narrated by alien hunter Erich von Daniken himself was a big deal for little 10-year old Ethan. This one isn’t that version. It’s more than a little drawn out and doesn’t keep your attention. I still believe, but I don’t think Katie does.

Putney Swope (1969) – A film by Robert Downey Sr. about the advertising industry. The only black member of an ad firm gets promoted to head of the company and he goes about reinventing the ad industry. I figured that since I was a member of the ad world, I should see this. It’s not awful, but many scenes don’t seem to have any point and they tend to add up by the end. Some of the ad parodies are funny, but the scenes with Putney himself (an actor who was so drunk on set that all his lines were dubbed in by Downey) don’t always make sense. Especially every scene with the midget/little person at the president of the US. It doesn’t even make sense if you see the movie.

Student Bodies (1981) – I rented this as part of a Richard Belzer double feature with the absolutely terrible waste of film, “The Wrong Guys,” which I sadly own and didn’t have to rent. It’s an early spoof of the teen slasher genre, which in itself isn’t bad, but the film just isn’t that funny. Belzer is the killer. Ooop, there I go, I ruined the ending for you. Now you don’t have to rent it to find out!

24 Hour Party People (2002) – A look at the history of the Manchester music scene, with Joy Division and the Happy Mondays as the focus. It’s told through the eyes of music manager Tony Wilson, played by a not-surprisingly good Steve Coogan. I love the whole music bio thing, and this was the only movie I netflixed in 2008 that I strongly considered buying for my home collection. The box cover, sadly, makes it look like it’s about rave culture, which is more or less ignoring most of what this movie’s about. Almost every British actor makes a cameo in this film.

Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006) – FAIL. Movie fail. Vampires vs werewolves on the streets of NYC, although about 95% of the scenes are filmed inside buildings that are unfurnished. I imagine that the producers knew a real estate broker who could get them into an unleased building for a few days of shooting. NONE of the scenes are furnished, which sorta make sense when you’re dealing with the werewolves who are squatting in an unfinished apartment, but becomes a joke when you’re dealing with the vampires who are supposed to be very rich but don’t have a couch or dining room table. The interesting part is that this is a more-than-decent commentary on black culture (rich vs poor), but the idea of making it about vampires and werewolves FAILS, especially in the make-up department (there is none for either group). Would have worked as a conceptual stage show though.

Vampiyaz (2004) – This is the spiritual prequel to Bloodz vs Wolvez, made by the same cast and crew and using, once again, unfurnished buildings for all their scenes. The plot’s eh, a guy gets out of jail (a penitentiary that is obviously used now as a historical landmark and not a real prison anymore), finds his friend’s a vampire, then ends up killing him. He also falls in love with a girl in a wheelchair who ends up getting blown up. Nothing in this film works, the acting, the script, the dialogue, the plot, the special effects. Just a mess. Avoid, even if you like bad movies because it’s hard to make fun of.

Spaced: The Compete Series (1999) – Also known as “the series about geek culture that stars the guys from Sean of the Dead.” That’s it in a nutshell. Friends get a flat together, they have fun with their odd friends. Lots and lots of geek references, which makes it a geek hit. I liked it.

Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) – And surprise, neither was Blair Witch 2! Both wastes of film, money, and time, although American Psycho 2 would have worked better if it hadn’t been connected to the first film or the book at all.

Marathon Man (1976) – Dustin Hoffman classic that I obviously rented during my “reading books about Nazi hunting” phase. Laurence Olivier is an escaped Nazi who totally messes up Dustin Hoffman, who decides to get revenge. So 70’s, you can smell the stale cigarette smoke.

More to come later! Stay tuned!

An update

Previously, on this site, I had made fun of this video game from the late 80’s/early 90’s.

I insinuated, rightly or wrongly, that the untalented nephew of the programmer had designed the box art, because it sucks real bad. However, I failed to notice the bigger picture. Namely, the banner at the bottom. “Can you survive…” Now, that is a question. It deserves and question mark, not ellipses. The art designer, in a fit of stupidity, made the ellipses continue across the fold of the fabric. This would imply that either something else is written on the banner and cut off with that final period, or the dumbass designer imagined that the line of periods would continue for a few inches, like in this example:

After defeating the elves, the forest was safe for now…………….

It looks dumb.

Also, another update. I will once again go on record to say that Bouncy Bee from the game Bouncy Bee Learns Letters is STILL the cutest video game character ever. There doesn’t seem to be much chance of that changing in the future.

Eat your leaders!

Stopping by my friend Six Sider’s blog, Twang of the Void, I read about a bakery selling cookies for the inauguration of President Obama. It’s Max and Benny’s in Illinois, a Jewish deli with fairly odd ideas about what to sell for this historic occasion.

Obama? Sure, you’ve gotta have Obama. His mouth’s a little off, but we’ll let it slide. After all, what child’s going to say no to eating a man in a suit cookie? President Obama! Is food!

His wife-elect, Michelle, is looking pretty good, although the artist went a little overboard with the cheekbones. Someone probably said, “make sure she’s got CHEEKBONES. Big ol’ cheekbones. Then people will know who it is they’re eating,” and the artist figured that the cheekbones were what set her apart from other black women who have become cookies.

Joe Biden, sadly, could easily pass for John McCain, although his hair’s a little poofier. He might have been the back-up design, should Obama have lost. But he’s smiling, in a good mood, and apparently chewing extra-white gum.

Here’s where it starts getting odd. This is Obama with grey hair. You know, from that one time he had grey hair. Remember? You don’t? Maybe it’s Future Barack, sent to the past to warn his past self about something. Maybe it’s his mutant love child with Bill Clinton.

This is the floating head of Abe Lincoln that advised Obama through his difficult campaign. Only Obama and these bakers could see him. He’s got that look of a neighborhood toadie on his face, like he was saying something like, “Hit him again, Deke! Hit him again!” Also, one of our greatest presidents did not warrant the white teeth icing. See how far things have advanced since 1860?

Rod Blagojevich, or “Lil’ Blago” as he’s listed as on the site. Whereas Obama, the president-elect, gets only a head and shoulders and the man who freed the slaves gets a head with no teeth, this scummy politician gets an entire body. And cash!

And finally, Obama with a top hat that makes him look like Biggie Smalls. Obama isn’t known for wearing a top hat, and in fact most politicians stopped wearing them around FDR. He has it tipped at a jaunty angle though, which makes me think he’s trying for a “Mary Poppins”-esque chimney sweep thing. Or he’s starting a career singing soulful R&B ballads asserting that girl, he never gonna do you wrong.

The parade of obsessive madness continues

If you’ve read my blog here on Wizarduniverse.com for a while, you’ll be familiar with my art collection. In short, I collect Mad Hatter things, mostly in regards to the Batman villain, but occasionally other items as well. Recently I just purchased a series of Batman trading cards from 1966, which I need to matte and frame. I have a massive framed painting from Disney of the Mad Tea Party. It’s kind of a big deal.

I also collect sketches of the Hatter from comic artists. The collection has now extended over one wall of my apartment and includes sketches from Sean Chen, Evan Dorkin, Patrick Gleason, and Rags Morales. And just yesterday I was able to add two sketches from my friend and comic illustrator Stephanie O’Donnell. She writes and draws numerous web comics and is a very, very busy bee.

This is the bigger version, with the Tom Petty tagline.

And here’s the smaller “sketch” version, which is depicted here at about 3x actual size. Both, of course, are framed.

It’s becoming a bit of an obsession, but whatever. We all need hobbies and at least I’m not going to the [shudder] gym.

A Proposed Moratorium

I am proposing a moratorium on using either of the phrases “hold hands and sing Kumbaya” or “sit in a circle and sing Kumbaya” in comic books. It’s often used in superhero comics in a sarcastic way, when someone wants to avoid fighting by talking something out. I’ve already read it in two comics this month and one trade.

Please, people who read this blog who are in the industry: DON’T USE THIS PHRASE. It makes me want to hit you.