Our Video Game History Part VIII

January 21, 2009 on 3:32 pm | In Insanity, Weak Attempt, video games | 2 Comments

Welcome back to another exciting edition of Our Video Game History, the feature on this site that makes us take a hard look at the goods we spend our hard-earned money on back in the day. Those days were full of badly-thought-out game design and, no shock here, bad box art. People tend to forget that the packaging of a game is even more important than the game itself, because if you don’t want to pick the game up and put it in your cart at Silo or Crazy Eddie’s or whatever bankrupt electronics store from the 80’s, the game doesn’t get played.

Sadly, people forgot this rule.

AKA “Completely Stoned Mouthbreathers Find A Radio and Some Elephants.” You guys see the elephants? Guys? Guys? Oh, you’re just staring at your hand again. Good job, guys.

“The Carmen Sandiego convention was obviously not at the cemetery, like my contact had told me. I waited, patiently, looking for someone else dressed like the super spy, but no such luck. Fog came off the mountain, as I realized that someone didn’t know how to draw feet.”

Ideally, the “funcyclopedia” that comes with the game has some passing mention of WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE TO SEE ALL THESE ANIMALS. A koala on the same continent as a tiger? An elk and a chimpanzee living right next to each other? Really, spies and attacking tigers are the least of your worries at this point, fella. My first point of action would be PICK UP SPY PHONE, REPORT ZOO TO AUTHORITIES.

Back in the 1700’s, a woman would do a cross-stitch piece to show prospective husbands that they were skilled at wifely arts. This cross-stitch, sadly, would probably turn away all suiters (including that rake Mr. Darcy) and wind the poor lady up in the gutter, head full of fantasies of windmills, ogres, and Italian bakers, as well as lice. Are there no prisons for these box designers? Are there no workhouses?

I have no data to back this up, but I suspect this was the #1 Dragon Who Is Selling Magazine Subscriptions game of all time. You could choose if you were selling them for a school band, an after-school sports team, or just to earn yourself neat prizes like walkie talkies or a tent. The magazine you sell is Grit.

“No, sorry sir, Mr. Holmes is just a consulting detective. No, he won’t go out in the field with you, but he’ll take an office in your building and advise from there. He’s skilled at putting presentations together, he is. He’ll give suggestions, but no, no, he won’t be doing any of the actual labor. He just consults now, after the retirement. I’ll pencil you in for a capabilities discussion.”

Or burn to death, I guess. Or get eaten by a shark. You do have more options than just sink or swim.

Finally, a game that has absolutely no component on its cover that makes it interesting or attractive to purchase! A game that 100% fails! Way to go, Skaphander der Aufrag!

Wanted: Writer who knows how to make things plural.