Another anatomy lesson

March 18, 2009 on 12:18 pm | In Comics, Internet, Weak Attempt, ebay | 3 Comments

I wish I could draw. Seriously, I wish I could put pen to paper and come up with an amazing figure drawing right off the top of my head. That way I could whip out my sketchpad, run through a couple of sketches, and then throw them up on eBay (and yes, I mean “throw up” in many different ways) for cash.

See, I collect original comic art, whether it be original pages or artist sketches, and eBay is a pretty good place to see what’s available. But for every great page from Action Comics, there’s going to be numerous sketch cards of big breasted women drawn by someone who just like drawing big breasted women. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, they wear a costume, so it then becomes fetishizing a comic character into a comic character who possesses insane anatomy. Just today, in fact, I ran across a couple.

WARNING!

There’s going to be girls here with big boobies and I may have to talk frankly about them. It’s a family blog, but I figure I should warn you that I’m going to be talking about something that 50% of the population of the world has, but we’re not supposed to discuss in the US.

Let’s start out with someone simple. Power Girl. She’s a character who’s actually known for having large breasts, and that’s fine. It just takes that little extra effort to show her holding them, naked, while still wearing a cape. It’s what people want to see, the artist assumes. It’s going that extra mile to do a mediocre sketch of it then selling a print of it on eBay that makes it that much sexier.

Supergirl is…well, I’d have to be convinced that this is Supergirl, and not some underwear model that the artist sketched and then put a T-shirt on. You’d need a pretty long PowerPoint slide deck to convince me that the artist thought of Supergirl first, before he saw the underwear model.

White Queen? Really? This is the White Queen from X-Men and not a fantasy blonde from an artist with mommy issues? If you had asked me who this was, just by first look, I guarantee you that “White Queen” would not have been in my first 40 answers. Now that I look closer, she’s got the “X” logo, which I can almost guarantee is an afterthought. And not to be a continuity nerd, but when did White Queen ever look like this? When did she have boobs that you’d need a crane to lift? Oh, this is also a print, so more than 1 of them exist. For $8.50. If I was going to spend money on art, I’d make sure the eyes match up. It’s the little things that make a difference.

Remember that scene where Carrie-Anne Moss walked around topless in the Matrix sequels? You probably don’t, because you only saw those films once, in the theater, because you felt like you had to complete the series, even though you knew they wouldn’t be as good as the first one. I understand, I don’t remember a lot from those films either, since I just saw them that once, all those years ago. But I guarantee you she spent half the movie dressed like this, whichever one it was.

Wait, a quick google search says that I’m lying. This scene never happened.

Oh I get it now, the artists and the purchasers wish they could have sex with imaginary people, but they can’t, so they do these! Duh! I guess “sexy” means different things to different people, and I tend to like my women with correct anatomical proportions. This is supposed to be Mary Jane from the Spider-Man comics. How can you tell? She’s wearing a Spider-Man shirt. Like Mary Jane did so many times in the books. I assume that Kyra Sedgewick wears Kevin Bacon shirts all the time too. What cracks me up is that the seller claims that he has to sell some of his art and ” it breaks my heart to part with this piece.” Dude, any number of high school kids could draw this again for you.

This is supposed to be Jessica Rabbit. You know, from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Strangely, but trying to make her more sexy, he’s succeeded in making her absolutely hideous.

Phantom Lady, in the hands of an expert penciller, has the ability to look amazing. Sadly, that’s not what happened here, with her lopsided chest and strange insect eyes. The buy it now price is $10, but since it’s anonymous bidding, you get to keep a little of your pride.

So please, gentle readers, don’t go down this path and look for the 100’s of Wonder Women and Vampirellas that exist on the wilds of eBay. I did the looking so you didn’t have to. And artists? You wonder why you’re not hired to do more comic books? Just step back and reevaluate a bit. That’s all I’m sayin’.