Ass-End of Disney Part 3

And we’re back! Sorry for the delay.

Thumper
Bambi
This is a costume. Of a bunny. An animated bunny. A person has to crawl inside of it and walk around to entertain children. Luckily, children have never seen the classic film Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Have you?

Well, now you get the gist of it, and understand why I chose Thumper to hold up to ridicule. Seriously, rabbit, that’s just a bad make-up job. It reminds me of a woman I was standing next to the other day with way too much eyebrow pencil. Both of them looked freaky, however one is a rabbit. (Rabbits don’t wear make-up, unless they’re part of animal cosmetic testing. Thumper might be making some extra dough on the side.)

Rebecca
TailSpin
Rebecca was the motherly figure in the Disney Afternoon show TailSpin and she looks generally the same in this photo as she did on the show. Except for her monster animal head on her normal-sized body. I don’t see many children these days recalling the Disney Afternoon show enough to run up to Rebecca for a photo, so I imagine she wanders aimlessly around the park, posing for pictures with very confused park attendees. The excitement level for Rebecca has to be very low, since she wasn’t the break-out star of TailSpin and certainly never anyone’s favorite (unless they were into anthropomorphic bears who dressed in mom clothes which, sadly exist). I understand the difficulty putting costumes together, but sweat pants? Really? I’m sure there are a few mothers walking around the park right at this very moment wearing something similar, possibly smelling like spilled beer and crushed up Oxycontin.

Gideon
Pinocchio
So what do you remember about Gideon, eh? Well, before doing some wiki-research, all I remembered was that he was a bad guy somehow. A bad guy with a goofy grin. Then I read the synopsis of Pinocchio and learned that he and his fox friend, Honest John, sell Pinocchio into slavery twice. The first time it’s to Stromboli (remember him and his awful costume?) and the second time it’s to “The Coachman” who kidnaps the antagonist away to Pleasure Island where he’s turned into a donkey after drinking and smoking (they CAN’T get away with that in Disney films anymore, trust me). BUT THERE’S MORE. Gideon appears in the original Pinocchio, as well as Honest John. What do they do? Nothing so easy as slavery and kidnapping, no sir. They get their hands dirty in the original text.

They hang Pinocchio from a tree, trying to make him vomit gold coins.

Later Pinocchio bites Gideon’s hand off (I am 100% serious) and he goes blind. This didn’t make it into the Disney film, but damn, do you really want him hunched over your kids like that?

Radcliffe
Pocahontas
It’s an awkward hat contest! Winner is…the kid who didn’t wear a hat! Radcliffe has to be one of the most unlikable Disney characters ever created. In the film he did nothing positive at all, was not funny, and was often racist, mean, and imperialistic. The animators drew him as unattractive as possible, which translated into this costume. Everything about this guy screams “BAD” but of course he gets the costume anyway. The part I love is that the head is sculpted to make Radcliffe look as bored with the tourists as possible, which is good because these kids seem about as excited to pose with Radcliffe as they would to pose with someone who worked at a bank.

The Sheriff of Nottingham
Robin Hood
Another completely mean-spirited character who walks around posing with kids. Big props to the girl in the sorcerer’s hat who is once again willing to have her photo taken with characters she has absolutely no memory of. There’s no love here, no appreciation, not even any animosity towards a badger who stole money from poor people and locked them in jail. There isn’t even a hint of recognition going on here. Just pose next to the big furry thing, and in a few years, when you’re older, you might remember the movie.

A + B = C?

Saw this today on my Facebook page, where the ads pop up.

Free watch if you’re interested in Tupac? How do these add up? And what is the goal of this study? To learn more about men who are interested in Tupac, or to just get rid of a bunch of hot watches?

Once upon a time…

…Eddie Murphy could promote a movie without resorting to looking either shocked and/or upset.

Nobody’s Hero

Taking a break from Disney love, here is a cap that you can buy for only $10 on the streets of Brooklyn. Spidek-Man might be a big hero where you come from, hat, but around here he ain’t worth $10.

Ass-End of Disney Part 2

Enjoy the first five entries into the Disney Hall of “Wha?” Nothing odder than a large, bearded Italian man who wants to hug your kids. But did you think that those 5 were the weirdest of the costumes? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Clara Cluck
Various Disney Projects
If you don’t recognize Clara Cluck, don’t be alarmed. It only means one thing: You’re not 80 years old. Clara is old school Disney, ie before your parents’ time. She’s presented as an opera diva most of the time, something that even fewer kids nowadays comprehend. Opera ain’t that popular with the younger set. But hey, why not have her walk around Toon Town and sign autographs? Like those has-beens who show up with their tables and headshots at comic conventions, Clara Cluck hustles for whatever attention she can get from park attendees. Guarantee you that no child has any inkling of Clara’s history, so get ready to say, “Whoah, when did I get my picture taken next to this big chicken?” when you go through the scrapbooks.

Horace Horsecollar
Various Disney Projects
I’m partial to Horace Horsecollar, mostly because I had some old books when I was a kid and he was in them. That makes me possibly one of his biggest fans, as I satisfy their only criterion, “remembering him without malice.” Unless you have a really savvy 8-year old, and I’m talking “reads the New Yorker, listens (and understands) Firesign Theater, enjoys art galleries instead of making things out of earth and dirt” savvy, your kid is going to be frightened of Horace. It’s telling though that Disney has these properties that they fully own to exploit and yet they do nothing with them. Sure, there were those two Mickey Mouse TV shows, but why not really beef up the old characters? Why not put them into a movie together? Kids learn everything form movies these days, so what do they have to lose in making a film with the old characters? And why do I sound like an old man? “Build more houses by the golf course? Psh, my taxes will go up!”

Clarice
Chip and Dale Cartoons
“Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?” If they’re screaming, “WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER ME!” then yes, they are still screaming. Chip and Dale were pretty popular characters, but their “girlfriend” Clarice didn’t have the staying power to make it into the Rescue Rangers. I pity the poor girl (or fragile, skinny guy) who has to put this thing on and try to exude sexuality in the Florida heat, standing next to a puddle of pee. Kids will inevitably go home and question their sexual mores, when they are approached by a vivacious, hairy, former quadraped in a a cocktail dress. In fact, I’m not sure how many know this isn’t Chip in women’s clothing.

Friar Tuck
Robin Hood
Friar Tuck is one of those costumes that Disney cast members put on when all the good costumes are taken. Really hot out? Take the Smee costume, it’s lightweight and breathes well. Feel like mixing it up with kids? Mickey Mouse is a surefire draw. Want to get pawed at by dads who think they’re just being “goofy?” Get the Clarice out of mothballs. None of these options are viable? Wellllllll….we have this old war horse from 1973. Friar Tuck was never anyone’s favorite character, unless they were really into Andy Devine, the cowboy star who did his voice in the film. Fact is, he’s not memorable, much like the Robin Hood movie itself. My apologies to anyone who’s had to wear this sweat box, but next time put that “reserved” sticker on Chicken Little.

Stanley
Disney Playhouse’s Stanley
I know nothing about this character or show, so I don’t know how popular he is. The only reason I included it was because as I was searching through websites tracking down pictures, Stanley was the only one with a hyperlink on his name. When I clicked on it, it took me to a carpet dealer (and installer!) out of Utah.

B.E.N.
Treasure Planet
I think more kids have seen cartoons with Horace Horsecollar than saw Treasure Planet. It’s a pretty standard C-list Disney picture, nothing to write home about. In fact, I forgot it existed until I had to look up what the hell movie B.E.N. was from. He’s a perfect example of an optimistic Disney marketing team putting a costume together for an upcoming movie, then realizing that no one saw the movie and no one knows who the character is. The train of thought probably went something like, “Oh, kids will totally love B.E.N., the wacky, lovable, robot sidekick with no eyes” to “Kids aren’t getting B.E.N. at all” to “Let’s see if we can salvage some of that fabric for another project.”

More to come!

Ass-End of Disney Part 1

Folks, I’m gonna level with you. I love Disney. I love the theme parks, I love the cartoons, I love the mythology, I love the fact that it wants to dominate all culture by the next century. I’m fine with that. Disney = teh good.

Now, if you go to the theme parks, you’ll see the characters, the folks dressed up in the large headed-costumes sweating in the Florida heat. They’re a major part of it, kids really get a thrill out of it and I enjoy knowing that they’re college interns who probably aren’t smiling under there. If you check out my facebook page, there are some pics of me posing with a few of them (Facebook me! OMG! Ethan Kaye!).

So you’ve got your Mickeys, your Minnies, your Donalds, your Goofys, and your Toy Story heroes. They’re all over the place (except for the first two times I went to the park, I was lucky to see one Smee). They’re the popular heroes and villains that have proved time and again to be major draws for the Disney corp. But what about the…others?

Yes, believe or not, not all the costumed characters have been successes. A movie flops and the expensive suit (they can run up to $6K an outfit) gets tossed into a closet. Or sometimes the nostalgia of the character is overestimated. Remember the Walrus from the “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in Alice in Wonderland? He’s in the movie for less than 5 minutes. They made a costume of him. Approximately 95% of guests have no clue who he is, but they made a costume of him and he walks around signing autographs.

So, I present to you a multi-part examination of some of the “other” Disney costumed characters. Not your Mickeys, not your Minnies, but your bottom of the barrel Disney leftovers. Enjoy!

Stromboli
Pinocchio
OK, Stromboli is generally not the first character who springs to mind when you think of “fun memories for kids about Pinocchio.” He’s the exploitative showman who forces Pinocchio to dance. Remember the “got no strings” song? It’s peppy, catchy, and about how Pinocchio is a slave to the forces of entertainment. If the Disney World Stromboli doesn’t have to face his inner demons every time he encounters kids, then the costume is only half done. Stromboli must be thinking about how he can exploit the tourist children at every opportunity! He should be drinking their beverages from their collectible mugs and molesting their moms! He’s not just a cuddly showman, he’s a larger-than-life machine! He’s Michael Douglas in Wall Street, he’s Al Pacino in Scarface, he’s Christopher Walken in King of New York. This guy’s got an angle, and he’s not afraid to kidnap a kid to make it happen. But hey, signing autographs is a steady side gig. Watch your cash around this one.

Mademoiselle Upanova
Fantasia
I like Fantasia. It was great to make out to in high school, since you can’t lose any plot by looking away, it’s all audio. So this ostrich was the “lead” in the segment “Dance of the Hours.” She was identified in no way, shape, or form in the film as “Mademoiselle Upanova” (I just got the pun, ha ha), but take our word for it, that’s who she is. Wizard Magazine doesn’t lie about anthropomorphic ostriches. The interesting part is that Fantasia, although it is one of Disney’s greatest films, is not a huge hit with kids. Sure, it’ll keep their attention with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice part, but everything else is like watching a ballet, and kids don’t have that kind of patience. So getting them to remember the dancing ostrich…that’s assuming a lot. How many parents said, “Oh honey, get your picture next to the bird!” and “It’s like Big Bird!”? More than you think.

Hyacinth Hippo
Fantasia
Another minor Fantasia character. It’s pretty obvious who got chosen and who didn’t: goofy animals = awesome, topless centaurs, demons on mountains, sorcerers, and dying dinosaurs = no costume for you. If I did drugs, I suspect I’d have bought the DVD by now, but as I don’t I still haven’t found a reason to purchase it. Hyacinth, sadly, does not bear the same mark of quality of most of the Disney World costumes. She doesn’t have that star quality of the Hyacinth of the cartoon and looks more or less like an off-the-shelf, run-of-the-mill pink hippo costume. Is it any wonder she doesn’t sign autographs?

Abby Mallard
Chicken Little

Kids, why don’t you want to go back to Disney World? Oh right, that duck thing that scared you so much you peed on your shoes. This costume could have done with about 40% less eyes. In fact, if I hadn’t seen it was a duck, I would have assumed it was some sort of deep sea tubeworm with features. And DON’T tell me you don’t see that now when you look at it. Tubeworm with a face. I haven’t seen Chicken Little, but I can safely assume that Abby Mallard doesn’t go through the film being surprised by every little thing she comes across. I cannot safely say that she sleeps at all through the film, so a lack of sleep might be a cause of this.

Marie
The Aristocats
So there’s a mother, a father, two kids, a grandmother, and a cat named Marie. They walk into a talent agency and the dad says to the agent, “We have an awesome act for you!” and the agent says, “Well, we don’t usually do family acts.” and the dad says, “Well, just wait ’till you see this!” And then he STOP. AWFUL THINGS HAPPEN. DISGUSTING THINGS HAPPEN. DO NOT IMAGINE THEM. THEY INVOLVE BODY FLUIDS AND THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL. TO FAMILY MEMBERS. Then the astonished agent wipes off his face and says, shakily, “What the hell…do you call…that…” and the dad proudly says, “THE ARISTOCATS!” Anyhoodles, Marie is the only character I’ve seen from the film The Aristocats out and about at the park. She is hopelessly alone in her wanderings, removed from context and transformed into a target for furries. She’s a woman in a slinky cat costume. You think she’s not giving the guy who dressed up as a sheep in his spare time a sweating fit? Bad idea all-around.

More to come!