Ass-End of Disney Part 1

May 4, 2009 on 8:46 pm | In Disney, Insanity, Movies, Weak Attempt | 2 Comments

Folks, I’m gonna level with you. I love Disney. I love the theme parks, I love the cartoons, I love the mythology, I love the fact that it wants to dominate all culture by the next century. I’m fine with that. Disney = teh good.

Now, if you go to the theme parks, you’ll see the characters, the folks dressed up in the large headed-costumes sweating in the Florida heat. They’re a major part of it, kids really get a thrill out of it and I enjoy knowing that they’re college interns who probably aren’t smiling under there. If you check out my facebook page, there are some pics of me posing with a few of them (Facebook me! OMG! Ethan Kaye!).

So you’ve got your Mickeys, your Minnies, your Donalds, your Goofys, and your Toy Story heroes. They’re all over the place (except for the first two times I went to the park, I was lucky to see one Smee). They’re the popular heroes and villains that have proved time and again to be major draws for the Disney corp. But what about the…others?

Yes, believe or not, not all the costumed characters have been successes. A movie flops and the expensive suit (they can run up to $6K an outfit) gets tossed into a closet. Or sometimes the nostalgia of the character is overestimated. Remember the Walrus from the “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in Alice in Wonderland? He’s in the movie for less than 5 minutes. They made a costume of him. Approximately 95% of guests have no clue who he is, but they made a costume of him and he walks around signing autographs.

So, I present to you a multi-part examination of some of the “other” Disney costumed characters. Not your Mickeys, not your Minnies, but your bottom of the barrel Disney leftovers. Enjoy!

Stromboli
Pinocchio
OK, Stromboli is generally not the first character who springs to mind when you think of “fun memories for kids about Pinocchio.” He’s the exploitative showman who forces Pinocchio to dance. Remember the “got no strings” song? It’s peppy, catchy, and about how Pinocchio is a slave to the forces of entertainment. If the Disney World Stromboli doesn’t have to face his inner demons every time he encounters kids, then the costume is only half done. Stromboli must be thinking about how he can exploit the tourist children at every opportunity! He should be drinking their beverages from their collectible mugs and molesting their moms! He’s not just a cuddly showman, he’s a larger-than-life machine! He’s Michael Douglas in Wall Street, he’s Al Pacino in Scarface, he’s Christopher Walken in King of New York. This guy’s got an angle, and he’s not afraid to kidnap a kid to make it happen. But hey, signing autographs is a steady side gig. Watch your cash around this one.

Mademoiselle Upanova
Fantasia
I like Fantasia. It was great to make out to in high school, since you can’t lose any plot by looking away, it’s all audio. So this ostrich was the “lead” in the segment “Dance of the Hours.” She was identified in no way, shape, or form in the film as “Mademoiselle Upanova” (I just got the pun, ha ha), but take our word for it, that’s who she is. Wizard Magazine doesn’t lie about anthropomorphic ostriches. The interesting part is that Fantasia, although it is one of Disney’s greatest films, is not a huge hit with kids. Sure, it’ll keep their attention with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice part, but everything else is like watching a ballet, and kids don’t have that kind of patience. So getting them to remember the dancing ostrich…that’s assuming a lot. How many parents said, “Oh honey, get your picture next to the bird!” and “It’s like Big Bird!”? More than you think.

Hyacinth Hippo
Fantasia
Another minor Fantasia character. It’s pretty obvious who got chosen and who didn’t: goofy animals = awesome, topless centaurs, demons on mountains, sorcerers, and dying dinosaurs = no costume for you. If I did drugs, I suspect I’d have bought the DVD by now, but as I don’t I still haven’t found a reason to purchase it. Hyacinth, sadly, does not bear the same mark of quality of most of the Disney World costumes. She doesn’t have that star quality of the Hyacinth of the cartoon and looks more or less like an off-the-shelf, run-of-the-mill pink hippo costume. Is it any wonder she doesn’t sign autographs?

Abby Mallard
Chicken Little

Kids, why don’t you want to go back to Disney World? Oh right, that duck thing that scared you so much you peed on your shoes. This costume could have done with about 40% less eyes. In fact, if I hadn’t seen it was a duck, I would have assumed it was some sort of deep sea tubeworm with features. And DON’T tell me you don’t see that now when you look at it. Tubeworm with a face. I haven’t seen Chicken Little, but I can safely assume that Abby Mallard doesn’t go through the film being surprised by every little thing she comes across. I cannot safely say that she sleeps at all through the film, so a lack of sleep might be a cause of this.

Marie
The Aristocats
So there’s a mother, a father, two kids, a grandmother, and a cat named Marie. They walk into a talent agency and the dad says to the agent, “We have an awesome act for you!” and the agent says, “Well, we don’t usually do family acts.” and the dad says, “Well, just wait ’till you see this!” And then he STOP. AWFUL THINGS HAPPEN. DISGUSTING THINGS HAPPEN. DO NOT IMAGINE THEM. THEY INVOLVE BODY FLUIDS AND THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL. TO FAMILY MEMBERS. Then the astonished agent wipes off his face and says, shakily, “What the hell…do you call…that…” and the dad proudly says, “THE ARISTOCATS!” Anyhoodles, Marie is the only character I’ve seen from the film The Aristocats out and about at the park. She is hopelessly alone in her wanderings, removed from context and transformed into a target for furries. She’s a woman in a slinky cat costume. You think she’s not giving the guy who dressed up as a sheep in his spare time a sweating fit? Bad idea all-around.

More to come!