Ass-End of Disney Part 2

May 5, 2009 on 11:12 am | In Disney, Movies, Weak Attempt | 2 Comments

Enjoy the first five entries into the Disney Hall of “Wha?” Nothing odder than a large, bearded Italian man who wants to hug your kids. But did you think that those 5 were the weirdest of the costumes? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Clara Cluck
Various Disney Projects
If you don’t recognize Clara Cluck, don’t be alarmed. It only means one thing: You’re not 80 years old. Clara is old school Disney, ie before your parents’ time. She’s presented as an opera diva most of the time, something that even fewer kids nowadays comprehend. Opera ain’t that popular with the younger set. But hey, why not have her walk around Toon Town and sign autographs? Like those has-beens who show up with their tables and headshots at comic conventions, Clara Cluck hustles for whatever attention she can get from park attendees. Guarantee you that no child has any inkling of Clara’s history, so get ready to say, “Whoah, when did I get my picture taken next to this big chicken?” when you go through the scrapbooks.

Horace Horsecollar
Various Disney Projects
I’m partial to Horace Horsecollar, mostly because I had some old books when I was a kid and he was in them. That makes me possibly one of his biggest fans, as I satisfy their only criterion, “remembering him without malice.” Unless you have a really savvy 8-year old, and I’m talking “reads the New Yorker, listens (and understands) Firesign Theater, enjoys art galleries instead of making things out of earth and dirt” savvy, your kid is going to be frightened of Horace. It’s telling though that Disney has these properties that they fully own to exploit and yet they do nothing with them. Sure, there were those two Mickey Mouse TV shows, but why not really beef up the old characters? Why not put them into a movie together? Kids learn everything form movies these days, so what do they have to lose in making a film with the old characters? And why do I sound like an old man? “Build more houses by the golf course? Psh, my taxes will go up!”

Clarice
Chip and Dale Cartoons
“Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?” If they’re screaming, “WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER ME!” then yes, they are still screaming. Chip and Dale were pretty popular characters, but their “girlfriend” Clarice didn’t have the staying power to make it into the Rescue Rangers. I pity the poor girl (or fragile, skinny guy) who has to put this thing on and try to exude sexuality in the Florida heat, standing next to a puddle of pee. Kids will inevitably go home and question their sexual mores, when they are approached by a vivacious, hairy, former quadraped in a a cocktail dress. In fact, I’m not sure how many know this isn’t Chip in women’s clothing.

Friar Tuck
Robin Hood
Friar Tuck is one of those costumes that Disney cast members put on when all the good costumes are taken. Really hot out? Take the Smee costume, it’s lightweight and breathes well. Feel like mixing it up with kids? Mickey Mouse is a surefire draw. Want to get pawed at by dads who think they’re just being “goofy?” Get the Clarice out of mothballs. None of these options are viable? Wellllllll….we have this old war horse from 1973. Friar Tuck was never anyone’s favorite character, unless they were really into Andy Devine, the cowboy star who did his voice in the film. Fact is, he’s not memorable, much like the Robin Hood movie itself. My apologies to anyone who’s had to wear this sweat box, but next time put that “reserved” sticker on Chicken Little.

Stanley
Disney Playhouse’s Stanley
I know nothing about this character or show, so I don’t know how popular he is. The only reason I included it was because as I was searching through websites tracking down pictures, Stanley was the only one with a hyperlink on his name. When I clicked on it, it took me to a carpet dealer (and installer!) out of Utah.

B.E.N.
Treasure Planet
I think more kids have seen cartoons with Horace Horsecollar than saw Treasure Planet. It’s a pretty standard C-list Disney picture, nothing to write home about. In fact, I forgot it existed until I had to look up what the hell movie B.E.N. was from. He’s a perfect example of an optimistic Disney marketing team putting a costume together for an upcoming movie, then realizing that no one saw the movie and no one knows who the character is. The train of thought probably went something like, “Oh, kids will totally love B.E.N., the wacky, lovable, robot sidekick with no eyes” to “Kids aren’t getting B.E.N. at all” to “Let’s see if we can salvage some of that fabric for another project.”

More to come!