WTF, Star Wars?

July 7, 2009 on 11:50 pm | In Comics, Insanity, Movies, Weak Attempt | 1 Comment

I stumbled across this little gem on a comic site. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR STAR WARS?

- Chewbacca looks like a dog. A shaggy dog. An ugly dog with eyes that are spread way too far apart. I’m not exactly sure what Chewbacca was supposed to represent in the films, if he was a bear/man hybrid or a dog/man hybrid or just a dude covered in hair, but he wasn’t supposed to look that much like a dog with huge hands. Oh, and his eyebrows are out of f-ing control and need to be slashed and burned.

- C3P0 looks, well, gay. A lot has been made of how the droids are gay for each other, mostly because of C3P0’s prissy fussing over R2-D2 and his whining when the two of them are separated. I didn’t believe this was the case for years. Droids? Gay? That’s illogical. Prissy? Sure. British? Sure. A tad effeminite? Sure. But gay? Nah, not those droids. But then I watched the movies again, all in a row, and holy shizzit, it leaps off the screen like Andy Dick riding a unicorn, a unicorn that’s wearing a pride shirt. This cover, showing the limp-wristed robot, just hammers another space nail in the space coffin.

- Han Solo doesn’t change his clothes. Ever.

- Luke is wearing…um…a cut-off shirt with buttons. With the collar popped. Nowadays an editor would stomp on that like Godzilla kills Tokyo, but in the 80’s I suspect that more people not involved with leather bars were wearing this and it slipped by. Oh, and his right thigh is twice as big as his left, making him some hobbling freak Jedi with hair that’s scarily like mine.

- What the hell is the one-legged insect thing on the right of the cover? Not in any Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen. Big cartoony eyes wouldn’t have gotten the thumbs up from Lucas, although when you see the cantina patrons in the Star Wars Christmas Special, you realize that a lot of lousy work was done on these films. Gone are the days of scary Darth Vader, the sadistic Emperor, and the intriguing Boba Fett. Say hello to…one-legged insect thing wearing khakis and striped shirt, with goose-neck microphone sticking out of his head and a bad toupee.

-Rabbits? RABBITS? Ha ha, there’s no need for space rabbits mixed into my Star Wars. They’re cute, but they don’t belong. Our heroes go from strangling Jabba the Hutt and slicing off their dad’s hands to herding fucking space rabbits? Why wasn’t this addressed in the prequels? Did everyone just forget about the adorable space rabbits?

-They streamlined R2-D2? Remember all those knobs and buttons on R2-D2? Well, they’re hard to draw, so sometimes artists just eliminate them and make R2 look like a giant white pill on stilts. Sometimes, they even do this on the cover.

- When did Lando Calrissian become the Cesar Romero of space? This is the one that had me scratching my head. What the hell happened, Billy Dee? What writer made you into a cigar-chomping guy in a cravat, airplane collar, and French cuffs that gets held by a wookie? Why are you wearing purple and green with black pants? Why is your hair blue? WHAT HAPPENED TO LANDO?

Luckily, this was the last issue. I can only imagine the horrors that would have followed if these mistakes were allowed to live.