Spike Jones: The Legend (1951) – If you don’t know Spike Jones, you should. The man was a force of nature in the 40’s and 50’s, with his band of City Slickers and bizarre renditions of popular songs. A lot of what he did is still being imitated, often unconsciously. Most of the DVD is guest appearances on popular programs, which does involve some repeats here and there, but the material is dynamite all the time. I just got his bio for Hanukkah, so that’s on my reading list.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – You know, those Michael Myers “Halloween” movies are great, but there’s just so much more you can do with the holiday of Halloween. Thankfully, Halloween III has diddly to do with the plot of the first two movies and instead tells the tale of an evil toy company stealing Stonehenge and using its energy to create masks that turn your face into snakes and bugs. This indeed made it to theaters, and people indeed paid money for this. Special effects are flat out retarded, the characters make the wrong decisions almost always, and no one bothered to think that Stonehenge had to do with ley lines, not just a bunch of old rocks standing in a circle.

Jack-O (1995) – I only wish this was a bigger cult film than it is. The movie is a disaster from start to finish, think “The Room” but with a semi-murderous pumpkin-headed monster. Virtually no one in this film is an actor but that’s ok, as a real actor would probably object to the incredibly bland dialogue and storyline. Plot holes, logic holes, and even casting holes abound. “Casting holes?” you say? Yup. John Carradine died in the 80’s. The producer of Jack-o bought a couple seconds of film of John looking grim in a cloak and reciting some vague goth nonsense, then edited the film around that so John Carradine is “in” the movie as an evil wizard. Say nothing of the fact that every time you see his face the film stock changes and every time some cast member has to interact with him he’s always shot from the back, wearing a hooded cloak to hide the fact that HE’S AN EXTRA WITH NO LINES.

The Chronological Donald: Vol. 1 (1934) – After coming back from Disney World I was on a Disney high that has lasted until the present. Naturally I wanted more more more, so this chronological presentation of Donald Duck cartoons was perfect. It’s hosted by Leonard Maltin, whose main role was to come on in-between cartoons and say things like, “Now, back in the 1940’s it was common to see black people portrayed like this, and no offense was meant at all,” and “In this cartoon you’ll see Donald put a gun to his head and pray for death, but that’s no indication that viewers should follow his example.” Donald also smokes cigarettes, tries to win a pipe from a claw machine game, and uses the line “I might as well be in a concentration camp” when protesting against doing work. The cartoons are still awesome, despite Maltin’s warning labels.

The Man in the Glass Booth (1975) – Again, part of my Nazi-hunter movie phase. Maximillian Schell is a Jewish man arrested as an escaped Nazi, then takes pleasure in becoming this new evil character. It’s a little over the top in places (every time Schell speaks), but it was a good film to watch one Saturday morning when I felt like curling up on the couch with my cat and watching movies about Nazi atrocities.

Thinking XXX (2004) – After reading the Legs McNeill book “The Other Hollywood” I started finding more information about the history of the porn world. “Thinking XXX” is candid conversations with porn stars on the set of a photo shoot for a coffee table book. It’s a lot of casual nudity, so keep the kids away from this one.

Roadie (1980) – Meatloaf! In his first big screen role! The screen can barely hold his face! It’s huge! And it keeps looking at the camera! This was part of the Monster Society of Evil’s “Too Many Musicians” night, because aside from Meatloaf, it stars Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Hank Williams Jr, Blondie, and Don Cornelius. It’s not entertaining as a movie, but verbally berating the characters on the screen (”WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ROY ORBISON???”) makes up for the various offenses committed by this film. Do NOT watch this alone, as you will probably lose IQ points.

The Tick Vs. Season 1 (1994) – If you’re linking to this blog through Wizard, there’s no need to tell you how good this cartoon was. If you didn’t, this cartoon was very smart and funny, and followed the comic series very, very closely.

Dear Santa (1998) – If there is a God, he was looking the other way when they filmed this. It’s a VERY lame retelling of The Santa Clause as done by actors who might have been dynamite in their community theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun,” but are a mess here. Lines are read so deliberately that you expect a chorus line to form behind the actors. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and the actors have a very hard time not looking at the camera in every shot. If I filmed myself shouting obscenities while peeing on a tree, it would be a better holiday film than this.

Merry Christmas, cruel world.

Honey, please. Those shorts are making the baby Jesus cry.

Unless, of course, I ran the text through a Finnish translation program. That was my idea. So here, for your enjoyment, are Finnish Christmas carols, translated into poor, broken English through a combination of a translation program and a Finnish to English dictionary (for the hard words that slipped through the translator). Please keep in mind that the oddness of these is due to the not-so-good translator programs, and not due to the quality of Finnish songs. They may sound as insane as a, say, Japanese Christmas carol, but I’m certain they actually make sense in their original language, unlike Japanese Christmas carols.

Christmas Eve is now sweet

(this part the children sing)

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Does not the burden will press your back?
The fair here, we are not afraid!
Oothan(?) us with old friends, firm, bitterness.
Here is also goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Spend the evening with us here we triumph.
Welcome to us always, the fair here, wood-press or if you want to play on
Two more fun you have!

(this part Santa sings)

Thank you, thank you, goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being.
Greetings to you, the little ones;
make room for playing, make room for singing!
Here a fun evening moment at night, but there is still a long expedition:
spruce tree trust the head of I got the direction of travel runs.

(this part the children sing)

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Stay for a little while, though on a long trip.
Here we bring you a nectar; colder than the spring.
Then periodically knew of the long – to go as big MAN!

(this part Santa sings)

Thank you, but now goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being!
Here is to your memory; Small Christmas tasting.<

(this part the children sing)

Thank you, a good grandpa, our friend Santa Claus.
Again, when you reach the next Christmas, welcome to our school!

I do not search for power, glory

I do not search for power, glory, I do not need of any gold;
I ask the celestial light and peace over the country!
It’s Christmas morass mi brings happiness and minds to bring God creates!
It is not the power or even the gold, but peace in the country on top!

Create a poor way as riches be a wonderful Christmas!
Darkness brings the world’s celestial light!
Sue hug, Sue, I expect Mr. Weather country and the sky!
Now the poor even as the rich will create a sweet Christmas brings!

Dashing curved steps

Dashing curved steps, mother’s tedium is so busy.
Gifts covered in wrapping paper; No. Pledge stick, but to have fun after all!

Christmas ends, even the shoe does not play;
Christmas tree is exported away, away, away.
But next year he arrives in a law-Valentine
It can not betray the hope!

Uh…ok. Let’s go with the turkey this year. Whatever, I don’t care about my reputation.

This holiday season, why don’t you show your family that you have no idea how to use a computer, and that you have issues with spatial relationships?

“See these kids? I made all these kids. With my sperm. My champion sperm. This car too.”

I have zero idea what crickets playing cricket have to do with Christmas. As much as I love the British, they don’t make sense sometimes. I suspect the that Blitz had something to do with this, as well as hard drink and falling on your head a lot as a child.

Some of you might say “AWWWW! That’s so cute!” But you’d be wrong. Because the wages of Star Wars are HORROR!!!!1

“Oh hi! Didn’t see you come in! I was just singing a Christmas carol with my remarkably pale wife with dead eyes!”