The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DIERDRE: I AM SO GONNA GET ME A MAN AT THIS DAMN CONVENTION!

JENNY: Oh, D, no. Not like that. That’s showing too much.

DIERDRE: WHATEVA, BITCH! I GONNA SHOW OFF HERMIONE’S GOOD STUFF!

JENNY: But that’s just rude. Your boobies are hanging out, and that’s not right for going out in public.

DIERDRE: YOU WATCH ME, BITCH! I GONNA SHAKE ‘DIS MONEYMAKER AND I GONNA BAG ME A HOT SKINNY-ASS HARRY POTTER!

JENNY: D, someone might take a picture.

DIERDRE: LET ‘EM TAKE MY DAMN PICTURE! I’M ALL LOOKING GOOD WITH MY LITTLE HOGWARTS TIE! I’M GONNE BREAK ME OFF SOME SKINNY HUFFLEPUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYIN’?

JENNY: That’s it, I’m not going to the convention with you.

DIERDRE: I’M GONNA BE ALL LIKE, “SNAPE, YOU ABOUTS TO GET UP ALL IN MY BIZNESS!” AND…WAIT, YOU AIN’T GOIN’? GIIIIIIRL?

JENNY: Not if you’re going to wear half of a Hermione costume with your naughty bits hanging out. I can get my back issues of Liberty Meadows elsewhere.

DIERDRE: DAAAAAAAMN!

JENNY: So you’ll just have to take a cab, you can forget about riding in my car.

DIERDRE: WHAT WHAT? I’M GONNA GET A LITTLE HUNGARIAN HORNYTAIL ACTION! YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?

JENNY: Maybe you can call Emma or Victor for a ride, but I’m going to go home. Have fun, Gryffindork.

DIERDRE: AW, WHO NEEDS YOU, SKINNY BITCH? I’M GONNA GET MY DARK ARTS ON, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYING? FIND ME A RON AND A HARRY AND MAKE ME A HERMIONE SAMMICH! WORD UP!

The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DAD: Hey Luke, that’s a pretty far out get up.

LUKE: Huh. Yeah. See, it combines my awesome kilt with this awesome Batman mask.

DAD: No, no, I see that. But why? Batman doesn’t wear a kilt.

LUKE: Huh. No. But he wears a cape, and that’s sort of like a kilt.

DAD: Nope, other than the fact that it’s a section of fabric, the two are not similar. Why did you think something so dumb?

LUKE: Huh. Ok, the truth is that I wanted to go as Batman but I wanted to involve my Druid/Wiccan heritage too.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans? What the hell are you talking about? You’re Roman Catholic, like me and your mom.

LUKE: Huh. No way, Dad. I’m really the eleventh incarnation of a Scottish warlock. My real name’s Grimstorm.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans don’t wear kilts, Luke. They wear robes.

LUKE: Huh, nuh uh! When you’re from Scotland, like Grimstorm is, you wear a kilt!

DAD: Does this have anything to do with those new friends you made at the Ren Faire?

LUKE: Huh. Uh…no.

DAD: …Luke…

LUKE: Huh…Uh, shut up! My friends know the truth about me and Grimstorm! They’re all in touch with nature and past lives! And I’m…I’m a Scottish Druid.

DAD: And why Batman, Luke? Why are you combining the kilt with Batman?

LUKE: Huh. I had the costume from last Halloween, when I worked at Suncost Video.

DAD: Luke, we need to talk. Your grades are slipping, I’ve gotten a few calls from your teachers. And for someone who spends all his time at the Renaissance Faire, your History grade is really low.

LUKE: Huh. It’s not my fault. The History books don’t talk about the real stuff that happened back then, like mud beggars and Highlanders and wenches singing ribald songs. If I could teach that class, things would be different.

DAD: I…I have to rethink your college savings, son.

The Hatter in New York

If you’ve been following my blog for awhile, you’ll know that my guilty comic convention pleasure is getting commissioned sketches of Batman villain The Mad Hatter. Currently I have 16 sketches from all up and down comicdom, most of which are framed and hanging in my hallway. Maybe someday I’ll put them all in a book to publish or something. But for now, I just collect, collect, collect!

I picked up some amazing commissions this weekend at the Big Apple Comic Con, a testament to the caliber of artist the con is attracting. I apologize for the picture quality, my digital camera isn’t that good at taking close-up photos of art.

Here’s a fantastic one from Sean Chen (Iron Man, Salvation Run).

Here’s one from John Cebollero (colorist for numerous books, inker for Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight).

I got one from Mini Marvels artist/writer Chris Giarrusso. I’ve wanted to get a Mad Hatter done in the Mini Marvel style since seeing him do commissions at the Baltimore Comic Con.

The first sketch I have in color is from former New Warriors/Night Thrasher artist Guy Dorian. This one took some time, and I’m happy for the extra effort.

One of my favorite creators was at the con with his wife and daughter, and he gave a quick inked sketch of the Hatter. The signature reads “Evan Dorkin needs to pencil more”. Check out his “Milk & Cheese” and “Dork”, collections out now!

Longtime Marvel artist Alan Kupperberg (who also did work for National Lampoon, which is awesome) and I talked over the incarnations of the Hatter for a bit, and he gave me this great sketch. When I picked it up he told me that when he was done he kicked himself for not putting Batman’s head rolling out of the cowl.

And finally, you can’t go wrong with current superstar Rags Morales (Identity Crisis).

The Top 10 Odd Things at the Big Apple Comic Con

Comic Conventions are odd places to begin with. Comic superstars sit side by side with men selling bootleg porno, while grown adults dressed as cats haggle over autographs with the guy who played Lisa Kudrow’s boyfriend for one episode of Friends. And yet, there’s so much going on that you can’t help but spending hours going through back issue bins and looking all over for that one particular Daredevil trade you absolutely 100% must have (it’s volume 3, by the way).

But then there’s stuff that makes you wonder, “what the hell were we thinking?” And that’s what this blog is about today. The ten things at this weekend’s Big Apple Comic Con in NYC that were just plain…odd.

10. Lil’ Marilyn Manson
For starters, I like Marilyn Manson, and the album that this came from, Golden Age of Grotesque, is probably his best. However, it’s Marilyn Manson. The man who Christian groups have protested since the early 90’s. The man who even Trent Reznor stopped hanging out with because he was too weird. And yet, he’s a cute little walking toy. Please do not leave this toy with children.

9. Pink Panther Keys and Cash
Say nothing of the strangeness inherent in paying real money to get fake money, this little darling is one of the few examples of a moderately successful cartoon becoming a completely useless toy: a pink wallet. Any boy who bought this toy (or whose confused parents bought it for him) was instantly ridiculed and kicked off the football team. Plus it’s made of remarkably flimsy plastic so the whole thing would crack and fall apart after about a day. This is truly, teh suk.

8. Hulk toy
Among all of the unlicensed stuff being sold, this unlabeled Hulk toy (no poseable limbs and feet somehow stuck into a pitcher’s mound) stood out to me. Mostly because it looks like Ernest Borgnine. MCHALE SMASH!

7. Boyfriend 64
Despite the title, it’s not a catalog of boyfriends you could purchase in 1964. Yet, since it was located on a table with porn magazines, it had other connotations. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book (it’s a hardcover book, not a magazine) and found pictures of all your favorite flashes in the pan from 1964, badly colored with watercolor! No exposed genitals at all! I can’t imagine this lasting longer than one year thought, and not because of the deceptive title that probably ruined the evening of many pervy purchasers. Who was going to wait for another year to buy a hardcover book of pop stars?

6. Random Pay Phone
Sure, you can put down $20K on a single comic book (Detective Comics 31 as one booth was selling) or $15K on a page of Frank Miller art, but why spend cash on things that make sense when there’s perfectly bizarre stuff that has nothing to do with comics to buy? Like this broken payphone that someone was selling.

5. Seinfeld Bloopers
Make no mistake, kids. This is a DVD of Seinfeld bloopers. The same things you can find as special features on any regular Seinfeld DVD. Just compiled onto one DVD. Save yourself the expense of purchasing three seasons of Seinfeld just for the bonus material and just purchase some grainy second/third-generation bootleg!

4. Stuffed Riddler
When you think of “cuddly”, I’m sure that “Batman villain” is not one of the first thousand things that comes to mind. Yet for some licensor, this made perfect sense. “Kids love the Riddler, so they must want to sleep with him too!” And isn’t that was kids really would prefer over bears and puppies and raccoons? (I had a stuffed raccoon) A man in a suit with no pupils? Yep, hook my child up with a stuffed man in a suit and have him start off down that long road to a soulless corporate job early! Or clue-based crime.

3. Sting foam things
For the foam finger on the left, he looks like an Archie character. On the right…let’s just say that there’s one pro wrestler in this picture who might be a little hopped up on goofballs. I’m sure he was overjoyed when he looked out from the ring and saw these staring back at him, with his (apparent) trademark “lazy eye yet still ramped on crack cocaine” look. This is one of those things you sign off on BEFORE it’s produced.

2. Spider-Man Gumball Machine
This just screams “WE DIDN’T TRY!” It’s a gumball machine, straight out of any candy store, with a Spider-Man figure stuck to the top of it. And that’s IT. The designs on the machine itself have nothing to do with Spider-Man, they’re the same abstract, art deco antique designs you’d find on any gumball machine. There’s no effort to match the colors or designs of the character. It’s just a figure stuck to a gumball machine. For $15. Perfect for your friends who have an enormous love of gum and a passing fancy for Spider-Man.

1. The Twins of Dracula lobby card
The joke is obvious. The TWINS of Dracula! And she’s topless! Twins!
To hammer this joke even farther, the ace salesman who was peddling this merchandise told me that “for $5, you can see the titties.” I told him that I didn’t need $5 to see titties, as this was New York, and he shrugged. But get it? TWINS of Dracula! Ho ho!

And, as a bonus, I took a creative picture of a comic called “The Man In Black Called Fate”.

I like to think of it as “Johnny Cash, the later years.”

Where’s Ethan this weekend?

Your ol’ pal Ethan is going to take another trip to the wilds of conventionland to bring back more bloody Fiji Mermaids and Jenny Hanivers for your blog-reading perusal! That’s right, you heard right, I’m planning another series of articles based on my upcoming trip to the Baltimore Comic Con!

I’m only sticking around for the day, so I will have to be extra vigilant to catch the weirdness as it happens around me. I expect costumes, exhibitions, and the occasional mind-blowingly insane table of garbage, like at most cons. If you’re going to be at the con on Saturday I’ll be the guy who looks like this:

Maybe I’ll even wear the Mao T-shirt so you can recognize me. Say hello! I’d like to know if anyone reads this blog!

Sadly, even though I will be in Baltimore, I will not be able to visit my favorite roadside attraction, the Great Blacks in Wax wax museum. I will not be able to take pictures of Rosa Parks being thrown off a bus.

The Stories Behind the San Diego Comic Con Costumes

MOTHER: Ronnie, are you sure you don’t want me to help you with your Halloween costume?

RONNIE: NO, Mom. I told you, it’s not for Halloween, it’s for Comic Con. DUH, you’re so retarded sometimes.

MOTHER: I know that you want it to be the best, and I have all this sewing equipment that I never get a chance to use.

RONNIE: I KNOW how to make a costume, Mom. I already have a pair of red cargo pants, they’re hella awesome and they totally make the costume.

MOTHER: Oh those things? Ronnie, dear, I bought those for you when you were still in middle school, they’re very faded by now.

RONNIE: No, stupid. They’re fine. I still wear them, like, all the time. I spill butter on them now and then, but you wash most of it off.

MOTHER: But the shirt you have is a much brighter red than the pants, I’d hate for you to go out and…

RONNIE: MOM! I told you already! I’m making my own costume! Damn! And it’s a Deadpool costume, it’s not like anyone’s going to care about the mask or the pants, it’s all about the guns. Why didn’t you know that, stupid?

MOTHER: I don’t really know about comic books, darling. You’d think with you living here, in my home, for 32 years I would have caught on, but no, I really haven’t.

RONNIE: Like, everyone, knows about Deadpool. Only an IDIOT doesn’t know who I’m going to Comic Con as. Now, get outta my room, I gotta scrounge up more electrical tape for my mask.

MOTHER: Just as long as it covers up your lack of chin, dear, you’ll be the handsomest boy at the show!

RONNIE: MOOOOOOOOM! It’s not a show, it’s a COMIC BOOK CONVENTION.

The Stories Behind the San Diego Comic Con Costumes

LEONARD: Hey darling, do you want to go to Comic Con with me and your step-mom?

ABBY: Um. Well, let’s think. The last time I went with you and that hambeast, I had to dress like Toad from Super Mario Brothers while she got to be the Princess and you were Mario. So, no, I’d rather not.

LEONARD: Aw c’mon, honey, it’ll be a good bonding thing. Barb really likes you and she’s looking for more ways for the three of us to hang out.

ABBY: That might be, but I’m not dressing up like a damn boy mushroom again. That was really, really lame.

LEONARD: In hindsight, maybe having you dress up like Toad was a mistake. You never even played the original Mario games, did you?

ABBY: No. It’s not on the next gen. Look, if I go, I just want to hang out maybe get some back issues, check out some panels or something. I’m not into this stupid cosplay stuff like you and stepmom Howard Taft. Can’t we just be cool.

LEONARD: She’s got some great costumes picked out though.

ABBY: …will I at least be a girl?

LEONARD: Honey, I promise you that you’ll be wearing a skirt.

ABBY: That’s at least a step in the right direction. What are you wearing?

LEONARD: I’m, uh…I’m wearing a skirt too.

ABBY: The HELL? What’s the she-beast wearing?

LEONARD: Well, Barb’s wearing a dress, because -

ABBY: I knew it! Son of a bitch, the boys wear skirts and the women wear dresses and I’m wearing a goddam skirt like a boy, aren’t I? Son of a bitch! I told you I didn’t want to look stupid!

LEONARD: I was thinking it would be a family thing, you know, like looking good at the Con, like we all planned it as a family. I promise, you’ll look good in the skirt. And when you’re not around me, your ol’ dad, you’ll look adorable in your skirt and all the boys will love you.

ABBY: I…well, I’ll be wearing a skirt. They can be kinda sexy sometimes. Maybe this won’t be so bad. As long as I won’t be looking stupid for the boys.

LEONARD: Right, right, now let me tell you about the wig and make-up…

The Stories Behind the San Diego Comic Con Costumes

Three days before Comic Con:

TUCKER: “Oh boy, oh boy, I have the perfect costume for Mexican wrestling night and the Comic Con! I got this great red and blue Spider-Man costume and I’m going to be mad awesome. Everyone at Comic Con’s going to be doing weird characters, but you can’t go wrong with the red & blue! Classy, classy, classy! I’ll just wear it to Mexican wrestling night then off to the con floor!”

Two days before Comic Con, at the Mexican wrestling night:

REF: And El Spidero takes a hit to the gut! And another! And another! And…OOOOOH! A knee right to the face!

TUCKER: (splutter, splutter) I can’t…(cough, retch)

REF: Looks like El Spidero’s going to be…OH JESUS CRISTO! That’s a full on boot to the face!

TUCKER: (cough) Gaaaaahhhh….(splutter, splutter)

One day before Comic Con, at the costume store:

TUCKER: Uh, hi. By dame is Tucker. I bwas id here the utha day.

CLERK: Dear Lord, what the hell happened to your nose?

TUCKER: Is broked. (cough, spatter)

CLERK: I am totally sorry, man. It’s all over by your ear n’ junk.

TUCKER: Cad I geb a refud on dis bask? (holds up blood-filled Spider-man mask)

CLERK: Dude, that’s medical waste at this point. And it’s Comic Con season, I can’t get you a new costume, those things sold out fast.

TUCKER: Crab.

CLERK: Here, I have something that might work. You need something, man, I can’t believe you’re even out of the house with a face like that. Your eye’s like all sunken in and crap. This is a Spider-man 3 mask. The rest of the costume has pee on it, so we through it out, but the mask doesn’t have as much pee on it, so we threw it in the bargain bin.

TUCKER: Thaks.

Diggin’ for Mummies - a Found Tape of Chicago Comicon 1995

Oh. My. God.

Recently, a DVD was passed to me of the 1995 Chicago Comicon. And all I can say is Oh. My. God.

Well, that’s not entirely true, I’m a snarky mofo so I actually have lots to say, but it really is a mind-boggling blast from the past that SHOULD NOT BE. All copies of this should have been lost in a fire or something, but were not. Alas, there was no fire.

The DVD is interviews of the various creators at the con, hosted by Larry, played by this man:

and Victor, played by this man and a Muppet clinging to the back of his neck:

The DVD begins with a bang, as Larry preps us for the ride of BALLSTOTHEWALLINTERVIEWEXCITEMENT with the writer of The Hulk and “The Aquaman”, Peter David. He tells us that things were so crazy at this con they couldn’t talk to Mr. David until 2:15 in the morning, but something tells me that Larry’s lying and he got caught up in an extended game of Magic: The Gathering in his hotel room. Peter is still perky for 2:15 in the morning, but the person accompanying him (his wife, I suspect) was definitely not. You can see her draped on the piano to the right, as Larry drinks something.

Peter explains to his fans that Aquaman is not getting his hand back.

Larry then sits down with then-Catwoman artist Jim Balent. Sadly, Jim does not have a table, despite being on a hot book and having done a cover for Wizard recently (as shown behind him).

Larry puts his pants to the test as he actually bends his knees and sits with Jim, holding what appears to be a box of Kleenex under his arm throughout the interview. Whoah there, tiger! Catwoman might be hot and all, but at least wait until you get back to the hotel room!

And face front, true believers! There’ll be no staring at Phil Phoglio’s massive erection!

Tom Defalco’s next on the chopping block for Larry and his massive head, as he asks Tom what changes he would make if he was writing Spider-Man.

Happily, Tom shoves it in his face like a piece of wedding cake, as he tells Larry that he is, in fact, writing Spider-Man, and that Larry should have probably known that. “NO SOUP FOR YOU,” says Tom, and for Larry, that’s a major loss.

And stop that, XO Manowar! I already made the boner joke with Phil Phoglio!

I must apologize if there are people who really wanted to see more of Victor and his hair. He didn’t do as many interviews as Larry, and honestly? I didn’t want to sit through the entire ElfQuest interview. If you really want to know what happened, I can go back and look at the footage, but really, nothing’s really exciting with ElfQuest.

But if it’s excitement you want, there’s always the luscious lady of the night, Catwoman, who Larry interviews from an extremely short distance while wearing an unflattering T-shirt.

Larry, the expert in Freudian slips, manages to weave in the words and phrases “support,” “strong men,” “perverted,” “thing upcoming,” “hard,” and “what does the spread look like,” while staring alternately at her breasts and his own crotch. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what Dick Cavett wishes he was doing. And yes, he manages to get his arm around her no less than three times during the interview!

Things got even more off-track in the Zea Adams interview, where the background characters took center stage. First is the man on the left with the awful homemade hat (not the one in the middle with the awful homemade haircut).

I’m waiting for him to snatch a child, but in the 3 minutes of the interview he manages to keep his hands to himself. Then there’s this guy:

Who just wanders through. I can understand his confusion, as there was a hockey hair convention at that same venue, and he may have been disoriented by Victor’s lady lovely locks.

There are some striking things about this comic convention from 13 years ago, other than forbidden hair and jowls. The most important thing was the MONEY being tossed around. The 1990’s was a year of comic book decadence, where even the lowliest indie book could have a trading card series, action figures, six spin-offs, and a movie deal. Take, for instance, A Aron (or A Aaron, depending on your source):

Aaron describes his career to Larry, as Larry imagines a chicken dinner. He started his black & white “Adventures of Aaron” with a local newspaper in Kalamazoo, then picked up a few more papers, then a small marketer who sold him to a few more papers. The strip wasn’t syndicated nationwide yet, keep in mind. Then collections came along. Then the inevitable comic book - only one of which had been available by the time of this con. He describes a musical about his creation that was done in Kalamazoo that ran for 16 weekends, and their upcoming Christmas show. He had posters for sale, wall clocks, stand-ups, lunchboxes, headshots, T-shirts, and a CD-ROM interactive collection of the Aaron strip - all being sold at a booth that had credit card access. FOR A COMIC THAT WAS LOCALIZED IN KALAMAZOO AND RELEASED ONE ISSUE. That’s how much money was being tossed at these speculative properties. As he explains, the second issue deals with Aaron losing his hat. I am serious.

The weekly comic strip “Adventures of Aaron” ended four years after this interview. The comic is not listed on the Comic Book Database.

It’s an odd DVD. I’m surprised this footage exists, I’m more surprised I was able to get my hands on it. I have no idea how this was distributed, or if Larry and Victor are still doing interviews. I know that Peter David is still a top writer. I know Tom DeFalco is an editor for Cracked Magazine. I know that Jim Balent does a lot of girl art. I have no idea who that guy in the XO Manowar costume was or what his penis is doing these days.

Can I say penis?

Ah hell, it’s my blog.

Big Apple Comic Con - Hats

It was a dealer’s con, mostly. For every celeb from Friday the 13th part 2 signing autographs there were three tables of guys with bootleg DVD porn, 50 cent comics, and books that cost more than I make in a year. That’s an interesting thing about dealer cons - you can’t ever find what you’re looking for. Either it’s a dealer with 30 boxes of unsorted, beat-up crap, or it’s a billion boxes of golden/silver age stuff that 90% of the con can’t afford. Completionists like me either walk away empty-handed or spend an extraordinarily long time searching through garbage for the 1988 Manhunter #7 that I needed to fill out my run. And a lot of the con, seriously, was flea market stuff. The bootlegs, the overpriced bad condition comics, the bins of broken toys, that’s a flea market.

Luckily, the artists were awesome. Everyone was happy to talk and sell sketches, although there were many empty tables and a few missing names (Ice T and his wife were supposed to show too, but saw neither hide nor hair of them). I got a few more of my Mad Hatter commissions too, and as always I’m happy to show them off here.

Here’s a pencil sketch from Patrick Gleason, the artist extraordinaire for Green Lantern Corps and Robin. Super nice guy, one of the big rising stars in comics. His version of the Hatter is creepy and I love it.

Rodney (not Humberto, as his sign stated) Ramos, inker for Transmetropolitan, 52, and Countdown, gave me a brilliant ink sketch for my wall. He’s dandy and evil!

And finally, cartoonist Kev Toons gave me a cuter version of the Hatter, which will go well with my Art Baltazar crayon sketch.

So how was it? How was the con? It’s hard to say. I walked out of it with autographs, sketches, memories of conversations, photographs, and issues that completed my Manhunter and 1980 Moon Knight collections. But the heat of a 90+ degree day got into the building, making things hot as anything, and when you’re in close contact with enormous men who prize their NM copy of Punisher 2099 #1 (with holo-foil cover!) more than regular hygiene…well, if you’re not waiting around for a commissioned sketch, it’s very hard to justify staying around for too long. And for all the great stuff I got, at the end I think I might have stuck around just a little too long.