Mad Spanish

I was doing an eBay search today for, what else, The Mad Hatter, and I came across this gem from South of the Border:

Now, I already have two copies of this issue, so I don’t think I’ll buy the third, but what caught my eye was that it was in Spanish. And that “The Mad Hatter” in Spanish is simply, “El Sombrerero Loco.” That’s…pretty much what I would have come up with on my own if you had told me, “YOU! Using your limited knowledge of Spanish, gleaned from one semester of Spanish 1 in high school, Speedy Gonzales cartoons, and Spanish ads on the subway, WHAT IS THE MAD HATTER’S NAME IN SPANISH!?!”

El Sombrerero Loco. It still has a little flavor to it, but just doesn’t do it for me.

Another anatomy lesson

I wish I could draw. Seriously, I wish I could put pen to paper and come up with an amazing figure drawing right off the top of my head. That way I could whip out my sketchpad, run through a couple of sketches, and then throw them up on eBay (and yes, I mean “throw up” in many different ways) for cash.

See, I collect original comic art, whether it be original pages or artist sketches, and eBay is a pretty good place to see what’s available. But for every great page from Action Comics, there’s going to be numerous sketch cards of big breasted women drawn by someone who just like drawing big breasted women. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, they wear a costume, so it then becomes fetishizing a comic character into a comic character who possesses insane anatomy. Just today, in fact, I ran across a couple.

WARNING!

There’s going to be girls here with big boobies and I may have to talk frankly about them. It’s a family blog, but I figure I should warn you that I’m going to be talking about something that 50% of the population of the world has, but we’re not supposed to discuss in the US.

Let’s start out with someone simple. Power Girl. She’s a character who’s actually known for having large breasts, and that’s fine. It just takes that little extra effort to show her holding them, naked, while still wearing a cape. It’s what people want to see, the artist assumes. It’s going that extra mile to do a mediocre sketch of it then selling a print of it on eBay that makes it that much sexier.

Supergirl is…well, I’d have to be convinced that this is Supergirl, and not some underwear model that the artist sketched and then put a T-shirt on. You’d need a pretty long PowerPoint slide deck to convince me that the artist thought of Supergirl first, before he saw the underwear model.

White Queen? Really? This is the White Queen from X-Men and not a fantasy blonde from an artist with mommy issues? If you had asked me who this was, just by first look, I guarantee you that “White Queen” would not have been in my first 40 answers. Now that I look closer, she’s got the “X” logo, which I can almost guarantee is an afterthought. And not to be a continuity nerd, but when did White Queen ever look like this? When did she have boobs that you’d need a crane to lift? Oh, this is also a print, so more than 1 of them exist. For $8.50. If I was going to spend money on art, I’d make sure the eyes match up. It’s the little things that make a difference.

Remember that scene where Carrie-Anne Moss walked around topless in the Matrix sequels? You probably don’t, because you only saw those films once, in the theater, because you felt like you had to complete the series, even though you knew they wouldn’t be as good as the first one. I understand, I don’t remember a lot from those films either, since I just saw them that once, all those years ago. But I guarantee you she spent half the movie dressed like this, whichever one it was.

Wait, a quick google search says that I’m lying. This scene never happened.

Oh I get it now, the artists and the purchasers wish they could have sex with imaginary people, but they can’t, so they do these! Duh! I guess “sexy” means different things to different people, and I tend to like my women with correct anatomical proportions. This is supposed to be Mary Jane from the Spider-Man comics. How can you tell? She’s wearing a Spider-Man shirt. Like Mary Jane did so many times in the books. I assume that Kyra Sedgewick wears Kevin Bacon shirts all the time too. What cracks me up is that the seller claims that he has to sell some of his art and ” it breaks my heart to part with this piece.” Dude, any number of high school kids could draw this again for you.

This is supposed to be Jessica Rabbit. You know, from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Strangely, but trying to make her more sexy, he’s succeeded in making her absolutely hideous.

Phantom Lady, in the hands of an expert penciller, has the ability to look amazing. Sadly, that’s not what happened here, with her lopsided chest and strange insect eyes. The buy it now price is $10, but since it’s anonymous bidding, you get to keep a little of your pride.

So please, gentle readers, don’t go down this path and look for the 100’s of Wonder Women and Vampirellas that exist on the wilds of eBay. I did the looking so you didn’t have to. And artists? You wonder why you’re not hired to do more comic books? Just step back and reevaluate a bit. That’s all I’m sayin’.

What’s wrong with this poster? If you said “everything,” you’re right!

Roger Corman is a filmmaker. He’s made more films than most directors, with his patented “work with no budget, film in three days, get the film out in a week, take in nothing but profit” attitude. The imdb lists over 380 films with his name in the production credits. The majority of his films, such as “Fast Charlie…the Moonbeam Rider” and “Night of the Cobra Woman” are quickly forgotten, but comic fans will know him immediately for butchering the Fantastic Four franchise, way before Jessica Alba could get to it.

His version of the FF movie wasn’t even straight to video, it was straight to flea market bargain bin. Made for less money than the big budget Fantastic Four film spent on catering for a week, the film was quickly buried with no theatrical run. However, posters were released.

One is now being sold on eBay, so if you want a piece of forgotten movie history, place your bids now.

There is a LOT wrong with this poster. Corman’s slapdash approach to filmmaking applies to his approach to designing posters as well. First off, the image quality, especially around the logo, really is that bad. Like, community-college-logo-for-credit bad. Plus, there’s no need to repeat the word “four”, if you have a giant “4″ in the background. The FF comic book got away with just using the word “four” and the new releases just go with the numeral. Roger Corman has, in essence, given us the Fantastic Four Four.

The tagline is the real offender here. “Part muscle, part elastic, part fire, part invisible. Together, it’s clobberin’ time!” Let’s diagram that sentence a little. “Muscle” and “fire” are both nouns. “Invisible” is an adjective. “Elastic” can be both an noun and an adjective, it’s unclear which it’s supposed to me. You can’t really put all of them together in one sentence. It just doesn’t work.

I guess the first three work, if you’re talking about parts of a whole. But the invisible thing? No, not at all. One of these things is not like the other, and it’s “part invisible.”

Bad, bad movie poster.

Found on eBay: Love

Every now and then I pop over to eBay and do a search for a very broad term, just to see what oddities come up. Today I did a search for “LOVE”. Let’s see what I found!

Native Baby Pouch Sling Papoose – Bundle with Love -NEW

If you can’t tell, it’s a little sling that looks like a duffel bag made in a third world country. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that it looks like Matthew McConaughey is endorsing this through his use of devil horns. I doubt that’s true, and if it was, is Matthew McConaughey really the face you want associated with your brand? He’s not well-known for being level-headed or clear thinking. The rest of the auction is filled up with about 50 pictures of other celebrities using the papoose, mostly Kerri Russell looking not interested.

Psychic love reading from Flora – unlimited questions

Bidders beware! You are not bidding on this fetching young(ish) lady! You are giving money for a phone call so she can talk to dead people for you! And then dead people will tell you about your love troubles! Don’t believe me? Here’s the description, the capitalization is hers (the dead are hard of hearing and she must yell):

MY NAME IS FLORA.

I FEEL SPIRIT FEELS EMPATHY, AS THEY HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED THESE PROBLEMS, WHEN ON THE EARTH PLANE AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO USE MY INSIGHT AND SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE, IN ANY LOVE PROBLEMS YOU MIGHT HAVE.

Why limit yourself to love, Flora? If the dead are speaking through you, don’t they have better things to tell you than “tell him he’s going to meet a brunette”? This is our channel to God and what’s it being used for? Crush advice. You make me sick. And that’s even without reading feedback by her fans, one of whom is named “!galadriel!”

The Man Who Loves Women! – Dimples (CD 1994)

Dimples is a man who wants give you the sex thing. He’s not too skilled with design tools, as evidenced by his CD, and I’m guessing his grasp of English isn’t too hot, as evidenced by the Borat-esque title. To that end, I’d like to give his commentary for his track listings (ok, I’m making it up):

I Wish Mama Was Here Tonight!: A soulful ballad where I have sex thing with woman but I think of mother.
Don’t Turn Your Back On My Love: My love am here to stay, it will not go away on you with others. Okay!
Natural High: I get drink drunk on wine and sex thing.
I Do The Job: I work daytime at Payless, but I makes money to buying nice things for woman. I love woman!
Rainbow ‘95: I make mistake in Bangaladesh college in 1995 and go to wrong door for sex thing.
Good “N” Plenty: I will buy you candies if you having sex with me. I live two blocks away from drugstore.
I’m Hooked On Your Lovin’: Dimples is lonely man.
Meet Me Tonight!: Internet date is cute but she no email me so I propose meet tonight! Aha!
Freaky Lover: I have not met one of these, but I read about them in book.
You Can Have My Heart: I gave heart to woman in Bangaladesh college but she no go there and I cannot find her. I feel ashamed.
Sugar Boom Boom: This comedy song. Big hit at shows.
I Want Love In My Sex: I am not serious, I will take sex thing without love. I will pay money or pay off your student loans.
I’ll Try Something New: This is a Smokey Robinson cover.

Lee Middleton ” HONEY LOVE DUCK Green ” NIB

Last time I saw a doll with that face and the word “love” in its name, let’s just say it wasn’t for sale on eBay.

3-X SIGN LANGUAGE T SHIRT..I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE

The setup and the punchline don’t work together. No one should be warning someone that they love something, especially something as benign as sign language. I could understand a shirt that said “WARNING! I love Hitler’s ideals and his book Mein Kampf!” or “WARNING! I love rubbing against girls on the train”, especially if it’s a part of a community service deal, but sign language? Maybe it’s warning people that you’re wearing a 3XL shirt and approaching you rapidly.

Jail Bait Bird PRISONER OF LOVE Costume S-M CONVICT HAT

This is a STRICT prison, if you’re not allowed to keep your head attached to your torso. “Prisoner of Love” my ass, Prisoner of Taliban more like it. One of the costume’s previous wearers is modeling this, but unfortunately she was caught outside after 4PM and well, you can see what happens to law breakers.

Stunning Mother’s Love oil painting by William Schimmel

This painting is being made available to people who live in an area where they can’t get this airbrushed on their van. This is, quite possibly, the ugliest thing i’ve ever encountered, and I’ve watched both the Elephant Man and the GG Allin biography. A snow leopard and cub in front of blue and red mountains and a moon floating underneath. Is this missing a band logo somewhere? Should there be a wizard in this?

Found on Ebay: The Seven Deadly Sins

Here’s a fun thing to do. Type in a random, vague concept kinda word into eBay and see what bizarre things come up. It works with so much, like “love” and “Jesus”. You can see what weird, weird things people are selling in the name of, well, whatever you decided to search for.

For this segment of this blog, we’re going to search for the SEVEN DEADLY SINS on eBay, and see what folks are selling!

PRIDE:

JUSTIN TUBB/DONNA FARGO ETC. LP TENNESSEE PRIDE MINT
Don’t be accepting any non-mint condition versions of this classic C&W album! Only accept the best condition albums that feature someone’s hot mom, a Dick Tracy villain with a facial tic, the hottest stack of hair in the South, and someone with a missing hand’s out-of-focus Olan Mills glamour shot! It’s the kind of line-up you usually see in an early 1970’s news broadcast, along with the commentary, “The slasher has already struck four times, killing one man and three women, shown here in these file photos.”

SLOTH

Sloth – Cactus Nerve Thang (CD)
Sloth is gonna rock the F*** out of you all! With their songs “Overcoat Sadness!” and “Reefer Christ!” You best prepare some ass surgery, because these guys are going to rock your ASSES OFF and you will need new ones. Judging by the CD cover, of course.

GREED

NEW Greed…
People. Listen to me. If you’re publishing a book, it’s a big venture. Your cover, sadly, is going to reflect on the quality of your book. This book, as judging by the cover, is bad. If you couldn’t even get a real artist who’s not your son’s dropout stoner friend to do the cover, then it’s time you thought of switching tactics, and getting a new publisher. Or just not publishing the book. The description does give a summary of the book, however, and it seems like a real page-turner, especially if you left money hidden in some of the pages:

Did you ever think that by giving your children everything they ever wanted you are doing them a favor in life? A man from small-town America built a very successful business over a lifetime. He firmly believed in sharing the wealth with his children. That was a huge mistake! He had no idea that the love he was giving to his son and daughter in law would only create two dastardly criminals. Instead of gaining his respect, his own flesh and blood abused his power and every good thing that his father did for him in life. His own son would go on to create a disastrous plan, with his wife, to not only destroy his fathers business, but embezzle everything that his parents had worked for, just to feel successful by his own standards.

Sounds like a fun tale that I will skip, as I get enough “dastardly” characters in my day job as a Canadian mountie.

ENVY

NEW Amber Brown Is Green With Envy
SKRULLS! SKRULLS! I FOUND ONE! SKRULLS!!!

I believe she has taken Amber Brown’s powers as well.

WRATH

Day of Wrath -Christopher Lambert – New DVD
Pretty much anytime you find Christopher Lambert on the cover of a DVD, it’s going to look funny. That’s because Christopher Lambert looks funny, and takes roles in movies that really have no purpose in existing. He generally stands there, with a confused look on his face, while some generic string of action words sit beneath him. It’s the Christopher Lambert way. It’s who he is. Druids needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Fortress 2 needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Some movies just scream out for Christopher Lambert’s odd, confused posturing. See also: Howie Long.

This one, incidentally, needed Christopher Lambert with and without hair for some reason. Some were released with the long hair, others without. Science doesn’t understand what this means.

LUST

1969 RUNAWAY SLAVE- ROBERT TRALINS/ STUDS,LUST & HATE
“Those are some nice clamdiggers. Yeah, it looks like they fit, but just turn around and let’s see how they fit in the back.”

GLUTTONY

aliens fat diet obesity gluttony health all fixed here

What. The. F***.
The picture is odd enough. Yeah, silly little plastic crappy aliens you keep in water. Expired in 1947, or some such nonsense. But the description (and accompanying photos of the little guys in brown water and, for some unrelated purpose, picture of a Chucky doll) has bent my mind into a pretzel. Insane people do sell things on eBay (apparently this seller also sells spa parts). Read for yourself.

Just…thank God I didn’t copy their spacing.