The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DIERDRE: I AM SO GONNA GET ME A MAN AT THIS DAMN CONVENTION!

JENNY: Oh, D, no. Not like that. That’s showing too much.

DIERDRE: WHATEVA, BITCH! I GONNA SHOW OFF HERMIONE’S GOOD STUFF!

JENNY: But that’s just rude. Your boobies are hanging out, and that’s not right for going out in public.

DIERDRE: YOU WATCH ME, BITCH! I GONNA SHAKE ‘DIS MONEYMAKER AND I GONNA BAG ME A HOT SKINNY-ASS HARRY POTTER!

JENNY: D, someone might take a picture.

DIERDRE: LET ‘EM TAKE MY DAMN PICTURE! I’M ALL LOOKING GOOD WITH MY LITTLE HOGWARTS TIE! I’M GONNE BREAK ME OFF SOME SKINNY HUFFLEPUFF, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYIN’?

JENNY: That’s it, I’m not going to the convention with you.

DIERDRE: I’M GONNA BE ALL LIKE, “SNAPE, YOU ABOUTS TO GET UP ALL IN MY BIZNESS!” AND…WAIT, YOU AIN’T GOIN’? GIIIIIIRL?

JENNY: Not if you’re going to wear half of a Hermione costume with your naughty bits hanging out. I can get my back issues of Liberty Meadows elsewhere.

DIERDRE: DAAAAAAAMN!

JENNY: So you’ll just have to take a cab, you can forget about riding in my car.

DIERDRE: WHAT WHAT? I’M GONNA GET A LITTLE HUNGARIAN HORNYTAIL ACTION! YOU GET IT? YOU GET IT?

JENNY: Maybe you can call Emma or Victor for a ride, but I’m going to go home. Have fun, Gryffindork.

DIERDRE: AW, WHO NEEDS YOU, SKINNY BITCH? I’M GONNA GET MY DARK ARTS ON, YOU KNOW WHAT ‘M SAYING? FIND ME A RON AND A HARRY AND MAKE ME A HERMIONE SAMMICH! WORD UP!

The Stories Behind the Wizard World Texas Costumes

DAD: Hey Luke, that’s a pretty far out get up.

LUKE: Huh. Yeah. See, it combines my awesome kilt with this awesome Batman mask.

DAD: No, no, I see that. But why? Batman doesn’t wear a kilt.

LUKE: Huh. No. But he wears a cape, and that’s sort of like a kilt.

DAD: Nope, other than the fact that it’s a section of fabric, the two are not similar. Why did you think something so dumb?

LUKE: Huh. Ok, the truth is that I wanted to go as Batman but I wanted to involve my Druid/Wiccan heritage too.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans? What the hell are you talking about? You’re Roman Catholic, like me and your mom.

LUKE: Huh. No way, Dad. I’m really the eleventh incarnation of a Scottish warlock. My real name’s Grimstorm.

DAD: Druids and Wiccans don’t wear kilts, Luke. They wear robes.

LUKE: Huh, nuh uh! When you’re from Scotland, like Grimstorm is, you wear a kilt!

DAD: Does this have anything to do with those new friends you made at the Ren Faire?

LUKE: Huh. Uh…no.

DAD: …Luke…

LUKE: Huh…Uh, shut up! My friends know the truth about me and Grimstorm! They’re all in touch with nature and past lives! And I’m…I’m a Scottish Druid.

DAD: And why Batman, Luke? Why are you combining the kilt with Batman?

LUKE: Huh. I had the costume from last Halloween, when I worked at Suncost Video.

DAD: Luke, we need to talk. Your grades are slipping, I’ve gotten a few calls from your teachers. And for someone who spends all his time at the Renaissance Faire, your History grade is really low.

LUKE: Huh. It’s not my fault. The History books don’t talk about the real stuff that happened back then, like mud beggars and Highlanders and wenches singing ribald songs. If I could teach that class, things would be different.

DAD: I…I have to rethink your college savings, son.

The Top 10 Odd Things at the Big Apple Comic Con

Comic Conventions are odd places to begin with. Comic superstars sit side by side with men selling bootleg porno, while grown adults dressed as cats haggle over autographs with the guy who played Lisa Kudrow’s boyfriend for one episode of Friends. And yet, there’s so much going on that you can’t help but spending hours going through back issue bins and looking all over for that one particular Daredevil trade you absolutely 100% must have (it’s volume 3, by the way).

But then there’s stuff that makes you wonder, “what the hell were we thinking?” And that’s what this blog is about today. The ten things at this weekend’s Big Apple Comic Con in NYC that were just plain…odd.

10. Lil’ Marilyn Manson
For starters, I like Marilyn Manson, and the album that this came from, Golden Age of Grotesque, is probably his best. However, it’s Marilyn Manson. The man who Christian groups have protested since the early 90’s. The man who even Trent Reznor stopped hanging out with because he was too weird. And yet, he’s a cute little walking toy. Please do not leave this toy with children.

9. Pink Panther Keys and Cash
Say nothing of the strangeness inherent in paying real money to get fake money, this little darling is one of the few examples of a moderately successful cartoon becoming a completely useless toy: a pink wallet. Any boy who bought this toy (or whose confused parents bought it for him) was instantly ridiculed and kicked off the football team. Plus it’s made of remarkably flimsy plastic so the whole thing would crack and fall apart after about a day. This is truly, teh suk.

8. Hulk toy
Among all of the unlicensed stuff being sold, this unlabeled Hulk toy (no poseable limbs and feet somehow stuck into a pitcher’s mound) stood out to me. Mostly because it looks like Ernest Borgnine. MCHALE SMASH!

7. Boyfriend 64
Despite the title, it’s not a catalog of boyfriends you could purchase in 1964. Yet, since it was located on a table with porn magazines, it had other connotations. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book (it’s a hardcover book, not a magazine) and found pictures of all your favorite flashes in the pan from 1964, badly colored with watercolor! No exposed genitals at all! I can’t imagine this lasting longer than one year thought, and not because of the deceptive title that probably ruined the evening of many pervy purchasers. Who was going to wait for another year to buy a hardcover book of pop stars?

6. Random Pay Phone
Sure, you can put down $20K on a single comic book (Detective Comics 31 as one booth was selling) or $15K on a page of Frank Miller art, but why spend cash on things that make sense when there’s perfectly bizarre stuff that has nothing to do with comics to buy? Like this broken payphone that someone was selling.

5. Seinfeld Bloopers
Make no mistake, kids. This is a DVD of Seinfeld bloopers. The same things you can find as special features on any regular Seinfeld DVD. Just compiled onto one DVD. Save yourself the expense of purchasing three seasons of Seinfeld just for the bonus material and just purchase some grainy second/third-generation bootleg!

4. Stuffed Riddler
When you think of “cuddly”, I’m sure that “Batman villain” is not one of the first thousand things that comes to mind. Yet for some licensor, this made perfect sense. “Kids love the Riddler, so they must want to sleep with him too!” And isn’t that was kids really would prefer over bears and puppies and raccoons? (I had a stuffed raccoon) A man in a suit with no pupils? Yep, hook my child up with a stuffed man in a suit and have him start off down that long road to a soulless corporate job early! Or clue-based crime.

3. Sting foam things
For the foam finger on the left, he looks like an Archie character. On the right…let’s just say that there’s one pro wrestler in this picture who might be a little hopped up on goofballs. I’m sure he was overjoyed when he looked out from the ring and saw these staring back at him, with his (apparent) trademark “lazy eye yet still ramped on crack cocaine” look. This is one of those things you sign off on BEFORE it’s produced.

2. Spider-Man Gumball Machine
This just screams “WE DIDN’T TRY!” It’s a gumball machine, straight out of any candy store, with a Spider-Man figure stuck to the top of it. And that’s IT. The designs on the machine itself have nothing to do with Spider-Man, they’re the same abstract, art deco antique designs you’d find on any gumball machine. There’s no effort to match the colors or designs of the character. It’s just a figure stuck to a gumball machine. For $15. Perfect for your friends who have an enormous love of gum and a passing fancy for Spider-Man.

1. The Twins of Dracula lobby card
The joke is obvious. The TWINS of Dracula! And she’s topless! Twins!
To hammer this joke even farther, the ace salesman who was peddling this merchandise told me that “for $5, you can see the titties.” I told him that I didn’t need $5 to see titties, as this was New York, and he shrugged. But get it? TWINS of Dracula! Ho ho!

And, as a bonus, I took a creative picture of a comic called “The Man In Black Called Fate”.

I like to think of it as “Johnny Cash, the later years.”

Turkey - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The nation of Turkey has failed.

According to this Variety story, the Turkish town of “Batman” is suing Warner Brothers and director Chris Nolan for the use of the name “Batman” in their film The Dark Knight.

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused “The Dark Knight” producers of using the city’s name without permission.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

The article goes on to say that this is most likely a ploy to get some money, and that the mayor is trying to find some documentation that the town existed before Batman’s creation in 1939. My thought on this is that if the mayor can’t find proof of when his town existed, then 1) the mayor is a moron, 2) the town is a backwoods loser town that doesn’t know when it was founded. But wait, there’s more from mayor Dogpatch!

The mayor is prepping a series of charges against Nolan and Warner Bros., which owns the right to the Batman character, including placing the blame for a number of unsolved murders and a high female suicide rate on the psychological impact that the film’s success has had on the city’s inhabitants.

Blaming a movie for unsolved murders and female suicides? Are they going to blame the movie for bewitching cattle to produce less milk and cursing the stableboy so he cannot speak without a lisp? Although I have no proof other than my fertile imagination, I suspect that the town is suing for some ridiculous sum of $550, which will make everyone rich beyond their wildest dreams. Either that or a few head of cattle. Or a few magic rubies from the crown of the skeleton king.

Thing is, this is the first they’re complaining about this, when the film stands to do 1 billion in profits. Not when the Batman TV show came out, not when the films Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, or Batman Begins were released, films that included the name “Batman” in the title, unlike The Dark Knight. Not even when Turkish filmmakers released their own bastardized version, Yarasa Adam: Betmen.

Sorry, Turkey, you guys have failed. I have often admired Turkey, owning an original poster for the Woody Allen film Sleeper in Turkish, with painted artwork unique to Turkey. And a good friend of mine, comic artist Nadir Balan is from Turkey and he turned out alright. But suing Warner Brothers? Enjoy walking back to the village with your asses burned off.

Our Video Game History Part VII

Every so often I lose whatever standards I have and flat out make fun of the awful PC games of yesteryear. And why shouldn’t I? I was stuck with these monstrosities because my parents never bought me a Nintendo. I was forced to play keyboard-based games that made me want to die painfully. And so, I bring them to you, so that we may find some kind of catharsis. This, ladies and gents, is the land of awful video games. FROM THE PAST!

My guess is that no one under the age of 50 bought this game, since it combines two things that only old people enjoy: bridge and Omar Sharif. Does bridge make sense to anyone? I mean, they print it in the newspaper but it always sounds like a murder mystery. “EAST takes two cards and looks knowingly at NORTH, who has dipped her hand to cover her nose. WEST smiles, passes a card to NORTH, who lights a cigarette and discards two. The air is smoky. No one talks of the war.” And why Omar Sharif? Was he getting so few sponsorship opportunities that when Interplay came knocking he immediately signed his name? “Once you get into the competitive world of electronic bridge, you’ll find yourself more confident, more methodical in your actions, and the ladies will flock to you like Omar Sharif. Hi, I’m Omar Sharif.”

Magic Johnson teaches children about the dangers of sitting on a termite mound. “It’s not about who can run faster, or jump higher, or who can sink that 3-pointer. It’s about knowing when your house’s structural integrity has been compromised, and the best ways to shore up saggy supporting beams. As Magic Johnson says, ‘Shore up, or get out!’”

This game was voted “#1 soccer game with a tubby British guy shouting in the background.” It has won every year since. Play in your council flat with a can of Heinz beans!

In an attempt to revive the steadily perishing Pac-Man franchise, Pac-Man was sent backwards through time by an evil wizard. Why? Because there were little dots to be eaten in the past. Because that’s all Pac-Man does. He eats dots. Why would a wizard give two farts about Pac-Man? How offensive does this yellow blob have to be to incur the wrath of a wizard who has the power to send him back through time? What the hell has Pac-Man been known for other than eating dots and running away from ghosts? And why would sending him to another point in time really make the repetitive game of running around a maze more interesting? Hint: that’s why it’s a value classic.

Buying armor of God is difficult. Buying armor of God when you don’t have shoulders is nigh impossible.

A hydrofoil simulator? Really? This couldn’t have been done just as easily with a boat? Because when you’re playing a little 2-D video game you’re not going to be sweating whether or not your 23 pixels that look like a rectangle is traveling on the water or above it. In fact, you should be sweating the money that went into purchasing this stupid game. Or the idea that your child chose this game over other, more relevant games in the store. “Honey, this one teaches you typing, and this one lets you be a king in a castle and…oh, you want the hydrofoil simulator. Great.”

The most graphic (and delicious!) representation of the Rape of Nanjing ever!

Take your hand and cover up the illustrated character on the left. Just look at the man screaming in agony and the gooey words “Pipe Mania.” Think for a while on this image. Now take your hand off the character on the left and put it over the screaming face. Does this image and title work better at selling the game to you? It does, doesn’t it? Now take your hand off the screaming face. Does that enhance your desire for this game? Or does it make you think of prison rape and only prison rape?

This is actually the sequel to Pirates, “Pirates II: Foppish Dandies Somehow Get Ahold of A Boat.” Did not sell as well as the first, but did have better cuffs.

From the makers of Naptime Adventure and SimBreathingOxygen comes Prime Time! You can yell at people! An activity normally reserved for interactions with living, breathing people has now been made more fun by becoming a video game! I assume though that to yell at someone you must enter a chain of commands that makes the spontaneous fun of yelling redundant. SHIFT + Y + –> + CTRL + R + ENTER = “Shut up!”

They say a good marketer can sell anything, but I have a hard time believing that “Israeli Crotch Attack Adventure!” sold any copies.

CAUTION: Quadrel is an untested game handed us by government agents. There may be side effects to playing Quadrel, including loss of lower extremities. In some extreme cases (as pictured on box), you may grow to enormous size, while your head aches. Not for use on Mac platforms.

Anytime your video game has a ninja on a motorcycle escaping from an explosion by heading into a herd of panthers who walk on two legs, it’s a sign that the game inside is going to suck big time.

Found on eBay: Love

Every now and then I pop over to eBay and do a search for a very broad term, just to see what oddities come up. Today I did a search for “LOVE”. Let’s see what I found!

Native Baby Pouch Sling Papoose - Bundle with Love -NEW

If you can’t tell, it’s a little sling that looks like a duffel bag made in a third world country. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that it looks like Matthew McConaughey is endorsing this through his use of devil horns. I doubt that’s true, and if it was, is Matthew McConaughey really the face you want associated with your brand? He’s not well-known for being level-headed or clear thinking. The rest of the auction is filled up with about 50 pictures of other celebrities using the papoose, mostly Kerri Russell looking not interested.

Psychic love reading from Flora - unlimited questions

Bidders beware! You are not bidding on this fetching young(ish) lady! You are giving money for a phone call so she can talk to dead people for you! And then dead people will tell you about your love troubles! Don’t believe me? Here’s the description, the capitalization is hers (the dead are hard of hearing and she must yell):

MY NAME IS FLORA.

I FEEL SPIRIT FEELS EMPATHY, AS THEY HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED THESE PROBLEMS, WHEN ON THE EARTH PLANE AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO USE MY INSIGHT AND SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE, IN ANY LOVE PROBLEMS YOU MIGHT HAVE.

Why limit yourself to love, Flora? If the dead are speaking through you, don’t they have better things to tell you than “tell him he’s going to meet a brunette”? This is our channel to God and what’s it being used for? Crush advice. You make me sick. And that’s even without reading feedback by her fans, one of whom is named “!galadriel!”

The Man Who Loves Women! - Dimples (CD 1994)

Dimples is a man who wants give you the sex thing. He’s not too skilled with design tools, as evidenced by his CD, and I’m guessing his grasp of English isn’t too hot, as evidenced by the Borat-esque title. To that end, I’d like to give his commentary for his track listings (ok, I’m making it up):

I Wish Mama Was Here Tonight!: A soulful ballad where I have sex thing with woman but I think of mother.
Don’t Turn Your Back On My Love: My love am here to stay, it will not go away on you with others. Okay!
Natural High: I get drink drunk on wine and sex thing.
I Do The Job: I work daytime at Payless, but I makes money to buying nice things for woman. I love woman!
Rainbow ‘95: I make mistake in Bangaladesh college in 1995 and go to wrong door for sex thing.
Good “N” Plenty: I will buy you candies if you having sex with me. I live two blocks away from drugstore.
I’m Hooked On Your Lovin’: Dimples is lonely man.
Meet Me Tonight!: Internet date is cute but she no email me so I propose meet tonight! Aha!
Freaky Lover: I have not met one of these, but I read about them in book.
You Can Have My Heart: I gave heart to woman in Bangaladesh college but she no go there and I cannot find her. I feel ashamed.
Sugar Boom Boom: This comedy song. Big hit at shows.
I Want Love In My Sex: I am not serious, I will take sex thing without love. I will pay money or pay off your student loans.
I’ll Try Something New: This is a Smokey Robinson cover.

Lee Middleton ” HONEY LOVE DUCK Green ” NIB

Last time I saw a doll with that face and the word “love” in its name, let’s just say it wasn’t for sale on eBay.

3-X SIGN LANGUAGE T SHIRT..I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE

The setup and the punchline don’t work together. No one should be warning someone that they love something, especially something as benign as sign language. I could understand a shirt that said “WARNING! I love Hitler’s ideals and his book Mein Kampf!” or “WARNING! I love rubbing against girls on the train”, especially if it’s a part of a community service deal, but sign language? Maybe it’s warning people that you’re wearing a 3XL shirt and approaching you rapidly.

Jail Bait Bird PRISONER OF LOVE Costume S-M CONVICT HAT

This is a STRICT prison, if you’re not allowed to keep your head attached to your torso. “Prisoner of Love” my ass, Prisoner of Taliban more like it. One of the costume’s previous wearers is modeling this, but unfortunately she was caught outside after 4PM and well, you can see what happens to law breakers.

Stunning Mother’s Love oil painting by William Schimmel

This painting is being made available to people who live in an area where they can’t get this airbrushed on their van. This is, quite possibly, the ugliest thing i’ve ever encountered, and I’ve watched both the Elephant Man and the GG Allin biography. A snow leopard and cub in front of blue and red mountains and a moon floating underneath. Is this missing a band logo somewhere? Should there be a wizard in this?

Catchy tunes to get your feet a-tappin’

I found this little gem over at LP Lover and it was so odd that I needed to borrow it for Feed Me A Kitten (thanks!).

Things are laid-back on side one, where we talk about the Chairman and how he’s doing, as well as thinking we’re sunflowers. The sunflower is probably symbolic, but as I haven’t heard the album and the screechy kids who sing it, I’m going to let the matter drop. Then on side two, things get serious. Repudiation meetings! Growing stronger in the fight! Everything sung in unison! (which is appropriate) The killer hit, number 1 with a bullet, has to be “Criticize Lin Piao and Discredit Him Completely,” which I would almost expect to be covered by Rage Against the Machine on an upcoming album. Get out on the dance floor and sing in unison! Buy the cassingle! March with your friends!

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Rape is a Circle

Part sexploitation flick, part drama, part low-budget thriller, this film explores the theory that cruelty creates ripples leading to further cruelty. Two young women hitch a ride, unaware that the driver who picks them up is a dangerous brute. Despite their desperate attempts to escape, he overpowers them and subjects them to unspeakable perversions. As the humiliations continue, the friendship between the two women becomes irreversibly damaged.

Really, the only reason I posted this was because I laughed pretty hard the first two or three times I read the last sentence of this description.

Also, from the customer reviews, it turns out the driver is a woman and the “he overpowers them” is a typo.

The Disney World Anal Retentive Vacation

So a head’s up to all 6 of you who read my blog - I am going on vacation! Your old pal Ethan is taking next week off and setting sail to gorgeous Lake Buena Vista (Spanish for “Lake Boon Vast”) for a week of fun at the most magical place on Earth, Disney World. I’ll be bringing the trusty laptop and hopefully getting some blogging in if I find weird stuff, but I’m warning you right now: it’s a vacation. I will be doing vacation things. I will be eating from buffets. I will plan on being very tired a lot. Updates may be sporadic, more sporadic than they are now.

When planning the Disney trip, though, there are numerous questions that need to be answered. Where to stay? (we’re staying at the Wilderness Lodge) What to eat? (Disney meal plan allows for some great choices) Where’s the Nazi hidden in a Disney mural? (it’s in the Grand Floridian). Luckily, there are literally dozens, if not hundreds, of websites devoted to helping you answer your questions and offer reader-generated tips, including gems like “the parks get crowded sometimes, so be prepared” (???).

I have searched a few of these sites and found one that absolutely screams “anal retentive.” I’m not going to list the name of the site, but I will link to it. First off, try to get over the bad site design. Most of the site is made up of ads and pinks and yellows, which have been known to drive prisoners mad. Still, it’s the perfect site if you want your trip planned down to the minute, as well as the 6 months prior to your trip. It offers such scheduling tips as:

and

If you’re looking to dine at the parks, not to worry, this man has every meal planned down to the 5 to 15-minute interval:

Yes, don’t worry, paranoid people, a five-minute variance is OK. It’s normal. Don’t freak out. I’m sure you can busy yourself for those five minutes, it’s Disney World after all.

The website assumes that you will be traveling with children, but it feels that there should be certain guidelines about which children to bring.

If you cannot find suitable children, you may need to leave a few at home and try and rent some for the trip (Disney does not offer child-rental services). The real issue, though is not necessarily the age or the height. It’s the brains. Thankfully, the writer of the site has given some thought to the issue, and come up with his take on it:

There’s a lot to do in the Disney theme parks. Aside from numerous schedules the writer has prepared, each differing in case you don’t have much money or if your children are (shudder) under 48 inches high, he has also put together a comprehensive list of attractions you can skip. He considers them “rides that almost no one will regret missing”. If you weren’t intrigued enough to click on the Nazi link, please check this link to an actual annotated spreadsheet. It’s a winner and a half.

And if the parks get dull, you can always enjoy the nightlife, like I found on Yahoo maps:

Wish me luck, friends, for I (and my girlfriend Katie, as well as season 2 of Heroes on DVD) am going to Disney World. And we’re not using that guy’s itinerary.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Silent Mobius

As Tokyo faces an onslaught by Lucifer Hawk, a demon determined to wipe out mankind, Officer Katsumi recalls what led her to join the Attacked Mystification Police, an elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet. A postapocalyptic cyberpunk adventure that blends elements of action, science fiction and horror, this anime film features stunningly detailed visuals.

Dear Japan,
Please, please stop. Stop with your little girl heroes, your obsession with police and detectives, and your desire to see Tokyo destroyed by demons or robots or whatever crap your self-loathing creative team comes up with this week. Stop. You, as a people and a country, are better than this.

For instance, there was a time when people associated Japanese cinema with the master Akira Kurasowa (we share a birthday, by the way). Seven Samurai was considered the best foreign film ever made at one point. People fawned over you guys. Now, where’s the love? One-third of the films you produce involve some sort of elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet, one-third are overly-bloody gangster films, and the final third are horror movies. How did you fall so far?

The part that gets me is obsessions. You constantly depict Tokyo being destroyed by something, in this case a “demon”. When Americans did that in Independence Day, people were shocked. It was a big deal. Sure, you get some property damage in American action films, but usually it’s fairly limited in scope - think Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. But you Japanese just love seeing Godzilla or Mothra or whomever beat the crud out of your capital city, killing your populace, film after film. Why?

And the cop thing. There used to be a rule that every anime had to have a fat cop as a comedic device. Now if there isn’t a fat cop, there’s a competent cop as the main character. Or detective. Or bounty hunter. Some sort of law enforcement. American films have cops in them too, but half the time they’re corrupt and the other half of the time they’re forced to play outside of the rules (again, think Die Hard). In fact, American films like seeing average Joes take on the bad guys instead of cops. So why do you insist on shoe-horning the police into all your movies?

I’m not even going to go into the tentacle thing. You guys have lived on an island, surviving off squid for too long.

In short, stop. Please stop this downward, yet circular trend you’ve fallen into. Stop the futuristic techno-crap. Stop with your post-apocalyptic obsessions and screaming desire to be ravaged by demons or robots or monsters. Stop naming your characters the Attacked Mystification Police, that’s just stupid. You need a 5-year moratorium on film/animation and you need to spend that time thinking about what you’ve produced as a nation for the last 20 years and how you’re going to make up for that.

Start by hosting a World’s Fair.