Comic Conventions are odd places to begin with. Comic superstars sit side by side with men selling bootleg porno, while grown adults dressed as cats haggle over autographs with the guy who played Lisa Kudrow’s boyfriend for one episode of Friends. And yet, there’s so much going on that you can’t help but spending hours going through back issue bins and looking all over for that one particular Daredevil trade you absolutely 100% must have (it’s volume 3, by the way).
But then there’s stuff that makes you wonder, “what the hell were we thinking?” And that’s what this blog is about today. The ten things at this weekend’s Big Apple Comic Con in NYC that were just plain…odd.
10. Lil’ Marilyn Manson
For starters, I like Marilyn Manson, and the album that this came from, Golden Age of Grotesque, is probably his best. However, it’s Marilyn Manson. The man who Christian groups have protested since the early 90’s. The man who even Trent Reznor stopped hanging out with because he was too weird. And yet, he’s a cute little walking toy. Please do not leave this toy with children.
9. Pink Panther Keys and Cash
Say nothing of the strangeness inherent in paying real money to get fake money, this little darling is one of the few examples of a moderately successful cartoon becoming a completely useless toy: a pink wallet. Any boy who bought this toy (or whose confused parents bought it for him) was instantly ridiculed and kicked off the football team. Plus it’s made of remarkably flimsy plastic so the whole thing would crack and fall apart after about a day. This is truly, teh suk.
8. Hulk toy
Among all of the unlicensed stuff being sold, this unlabeled Hulk toy (no poseable limbs and feet somehow stuck into a pitcher’s mound) stood out to me. Mostly because it looks like Ernest Borgnine. MCHALE SMASH!
7. Boyfriend 64
Despite the title, it’s not a catalog of boyfriends you could purchase in 1964. Yet, since it was located on a table with porn magazines, it had other connotations. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book (it’s a hardcover book, not a magazine) and found pictures of all your favorite flashes in the pan from 1964, badly colored with watercolor! No exposed genitals at all! I can’t imagine this lasting longer than one year thought, and not because of the deceptive title that probably ruined the evening of many pervy purchasers. Who was going to wait for another year to buy a hardcover book of pop stars?
6. Random Pay Phone
Sure, you can put down $20K on a single comic book (Detective Comics 31 as one booth was selling) or $15K on a page of Frank Miller art, but why spend cash on things that make sense when there’s perfectly bizarre stuff that has nothing to do with comics to buy? Like this broken payphone that someone was selling.
5. Seinfeld Bloopers
Make no mistake, kids. This is a DVD of Seinfeld bloopers. The same things you can find as special features on any regular Seinfeld DVD. Just compiled onto one DVD. Save yourself the expense of purchasing three seasons of Seinfeld just for the bonus material and just purchase some grainy second/third-generation bootleg!
4. Stuffed Riddler
When you think of “cuddly”, I’m sure that “Batman villain” is not one of the first thousand things that comes to mind. Yet for some licensor, this made perfect sense. “Kids love the Riddler, so they must want to sleep with him too!” And isn’t that was kids really would prefer over bears and puppies and raccoons? (I had a stuffed raccoon) A man in a suit with no pupils? Yep, hook my child up with a stuffed man in a suit and have him start off down that long road to a soulless corporate job early! Or clue-based crime.
3. Sting foam things
For the foam finger on the left, he looks like an Archie character. On the right…let’s just say that there’s one pro wrestler in this picture who might be a little hopped up on goofballs. I’m sure he was overjoyed when he looked out from the ring and saw these staring back at him, with his (apparent) trademark “lazy eye yet still ramped on crack cocaine” look. This is one of those things you sign off on BEFORE it’s produced.
2. Spider-Man Gumball Machine
This just screams “WE DIDN’T TRY!” It’s a gumball machine, straight out of any candy store, with a Spider-Man figure stuck to the top of it. And that’s IT. The designs on the machine itself have nothing to do with Spider-Man, they’re the same abstract, art deco antique designs you’d find on any gumball machine. There’s no effort to match the colors or designs of the character. It’s just a figure stuck to a gumball machine. For $15. Perfect for your friends who have an enormous love of gum and a passing fancy for Spider-Man.
1. The Twins of Dracula lobby card
The joke is obvious. The TWINS of Dracula! And she’s topless! Twins!
To hammer this joke even farther, the ace salesman who was peddling this merchandise told me that “for $5, you can see the titties.” I told him that I didn’t need $5 to see titties, as this was New York, and he shrugged. But get it? TWINS of Dracula! Ho ho!
And, as a bonus, I took a creative picture of a comic called “The Man In Black Called Fate”.
I like to think of it as “Johnny Cash, the later years.”
So a head’s up to all 6 of you who read my blog - I am going on vacation! Your old pal Ethan is taking next week off and setting sail to gorgeous Lake Buena Vista (Spanish for “Lake Boon Vast”) for a week of fun at the most magical place on Earth, Disney World. I’ll be bringing the trusty laptop and hopefully getting some blogging in if I find weird stuff, but I’m warning you right now: it’s a vacation. I will be doing vacation things. I will be eating from buffets. I will plan on being very tired a lot. Updates may be sporadic, more sporadic than they are now.
When planning the Disney trip, though, there are numerous questions that need to be answered. Where to stay? (we’re staying at the Wilderness Lodge) What to eat? (Disney meal plan allows for some great choices) Where’s the Nazi hidden in a Disney mural? (it’s in the Grand Floridian). Luckily, there are literally dozens, if not hundreds, of websites devoted to helping you answer your questions and offer reader-generated tips, including gems like “the parks get crowded sometimes, so be prepared” (???).
I have searched a few of these sites and found one that absolutely screams “anal retentive.” I’m not going to list the name of the site, but I will link to it. First off, try to get over the bad site design. Most of the site is made up of ads and pinks and yellows, which have been known to drive prisoners mad. Still, it’s the perfect site if you want your trip planned down to the minute, as well as the 6 months prior to your trip. It offers such scheduling tips as:
and
If you’re looking to dine at the parks, not to worry, this man has every meal planned down to the 5 to 15-minute interval:
Yes, don’t worry, paranoid people, a five-minute variance is OK. It’s normal. Don’t freak out. I’m sure you can busy yourself for those five minutes, it’s Disney World after all.
The website assumes that you will be traveling with children, but it feels that there should be certain guidelines about which children to bring.
If you cannot find suitable children, you may need to leave a few at home and try and rent some for the trip (Disney does not offer child-rental services). The real issue, though is not necessarily the age or the height. It’s the brains. Thankfully, the writer of the site has given some thought to the issue, and come up with his take on it:
There’s a lot to do in the Disney theme parks. Aside from numerous schedules the writer has prepared, each differing in case you don’t have much money or if your children are (shudder) under 48 inches high, he has also put together a comprehensive list of attractions you can skip. He considers them “rides that almost no one will regret missing”. If you weren’t intrigued enough to click on the Nazi link, please check this link to an actual annotated spreadsheet. It’s a winner and a half.
And if the parks get dull, you can always enjoy the nightlife, like I found on Yahoo maps:
Wish me luck, friends, for I (and my girlfriend Katie, as well as season 2 of Heroes on DVD) am going to Disney World. And we’re not using that guy’s itinerary.
(For the purposes of this blog post, I will begin with a blues number)
There was this show.
ba-BA-bum-ba-bum
Theatrical show.
ba-BA-bum-ba-bum
30 plays in 60 minutes
ba-BA-bum-ba-bum
And it was a damn good show.
ba-BA-bum-ba-bum
I didn’t say it was going to be a good blues song. But it’s true and it’s from the heart. Last night I got the chance to check out a show by a NY theater troupe called the Neo-Futurists. The name of the show is Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind which is a great title, almost as good as The Red White and Blue Confederate Blues Band, Medicine Show, Compound and Family Reunion, the folk rock project I never got together.
The show is 60 minutes of the best theater I’ve seen since I got to the city two years ago. The most fun, the most humor, the best experience I could hope to have while sitting in a theater seat. I strongly, strongly urge you, my nine readers, to check this show out if you are ever in NYC.
Last night’s show, like every show, is different than the one that preceded it, and different from the show that follows it the next night. “How?” you may ask. The secret is volume. Each show is timed at 60 minutes, with 30 short plays or sketches on tap for the night. In fact, every sketch is listed in that night’s menu, numbered 1 through 30. The audience chooses the order of the plays by shouting out the number of their favorite, loudest shouter wins.
The plays are all-around awesome. Each one has its own theme, lighting, soundtrack, each one can go from as small as a monologue to as large as an 80’s style prom with streamers, balloons, punch, and audience members picking cast members for slow dances. All interesting, all perfect for short attention spans, all original.
And every night there’s new plays! 9 new plays debuted last night, more plays tonight, totally new plays next week. So many hilarious moments, I will definitely going back to see what else what they cook up.
Check them out on the web at their web site. Two shows a week, 10:30 at the Kraine Theater/Red Room Bar. Admission, well, that’s the thing. $10 base, plus the roll of a die. As little as $11, as much as $16. And that’s creative theater, baby.
Gah, this totally makes up for all that awful improv I’ve seen over the last 2 years.
Folks who read this site and who know me personally are aware that I have a very, very unhealthy obsession with DC’s Mad Hatter. It’s not pleasant to visit my home (unless you’re me), as there are numerous Hatter memorabilia hanging up and around and under things and whatnot. It’s definitely unhealthy.
Still, it’s fun to keep adding to it. Most recently, I purchased some of the original art for my favorite comic series, The Secret Six. The Gail Simone one from 2006. The one where the Hatter was one of the lead characters. I had been looking at art pages online for a while and gauging prices, so I decided that, since I couldn’t find any of Brad Walker’s art on sale on any dealer sites, I should try and contact him directly about getting a few pages. Luckily, Brad’s super nice and let me know what pages he still had in his possession.
In the end I purchased three of the original hand-drawn and inked pages from the six-issue mini, all of which are framed and mounted behind the futon in the living room. I’ll try and get some photos up before too long, but I wanted to post a picture of the highlight of the whole purchase for me, the page that I had really hoped Brad hung on to. It’s possibly my favorite comic page ever, and now I have the original hand-drawn and inked page in my collection. It’s this one:
The one where the Mad Hatter boinks his hats.
And it’s mine.
And it’s on display in my home. Where my parents come to visit.
You may have heard about it. Hell, you may have even seen it, if you were lucky. But rest assured, you would have laughed your ass off if you did.
Yup, it’s Eddie Izzard’s latest tour, “Stripped”.
Mr. Izzard was able to sell out three nights at Radio City Music Hall, which ain’t an easy feat (sorry, Sarah Brightman, but you suck). The comedic genius, famous for roles in The Riches, Shadow of the Vampire, Velvet Goldmine, The Cat’s Meow, and numerous of his own comedy specials, put on a two hour spectacular, all the while not taking a sip of water and not dressing like he does in the promo picture.
In fact, he was not wearing women’s clothing, which surprised me.
I recommend this show. Lots. You probably won’t be able to catch the tour, but if the DVD comes out (and I’m sure it will, given Mr. Izzard’s track record), snatch it up. I’ve always liked his shows and “Stripped” is a safe bet. Hellz yeah, I got to see Eddie Izzard! Top of the world, ma!
Like most people with low self-esteem and internet access, I will admit to googling my name. For those of you who think that googling is a sex act, let me set you straight. Go to Google and type in any word or phrase. Then the “search engine” (not really an engine, like in a car) will scour the entire world wide web for that phrase. Go ahead and type in “ethan kaye”. It’ll make my hit count go up.
Anyway, I’ve noticed that Ethan Kaye is not just me. It’s disturbing to think there are other me’s out there, although I’m sure that John Smith and Mike Miller run into themselves all the time with no incident. I don’t mind that other Ethan Kayes are spread throughout the world, and luckily none of us have been arrested for anything like multiple homicide.
But who else comes up when you search for my name? Who are these other Ethans? Let’s take a tour.
1. The Wrestler. >
Not actual photo
There is a kid who does some wrestling and baseballing (yeah, spell check’s having a problem with that word) named Ethan Kaye. Not going to say where he lives, but I’ve actually been in touch with him and his mom and they are both very nice people. Wrestler Ethan Kaye is the second most-popular Ethan Kaye on the internet, although it’s kinda scary to see someone’s weight posted a bunch of times on multiple webpages. I mean, the only time you’d normally be seeing weights of things on the internet is if you were buying something by the pound, like bulk candy or imported meats, like the $2,100-a-leg pork from Spain. And really, you wouldn’t be ordering people by the pound over the internet, although most Russian dating sites do list weights of the girls (I just checked http://www.anastasia-international.com/, which has now become my homepage. Rrrrrowr!)
2. The Spies
Everyone loves a little espionage webseries and, hey, here’s The Legacy! The agents above are “Ethan Fairchild” and “Kaye Corday.” I’m not sure who’s “playing” Ethan in that picture, but Kaye is definitely Darla from Angel. I know, I know, a lot of quotation marks and italics. Bear with me. See, Darla’s not in this series. Neither are Jerry Orbach, Katie Holmes, or Hugh Jackman, yet they are the photos that accompany the names on the “Agents” page. It’s actually an ongoing story about spies and the photos are just references for you to keep in your head as you’re reading The Legacy. So what is The Legacy? According to the site, it’s “A little known about department in an international espionage organization that specializes in security, anti-terrorism, trouble shooting ; a ring of covert operatives available to the highest bidder. “
How is this an Ethan Kaye? Put the two names together in a paragraph, like “Someone gets the jump on Ethan. Kaye plays a deadly game with Julian Black and Kevin uncovers a new power.” and ta-da, you’re in Ethan Kayeland.
I found this while searching through google. I’m not sure who this Ethan Kaye is (if he even is an Ethan Kaye, it’s just what it was tagged as), but I have to admit that his life looks damn awesome. I have no idea where he’s from, but damn, he’s got a ton of costumes. It makes me think I need to buy more hats. I don’t have a rainbow hat and I don’t have a hat with a flower in it. I don’t have my pirate hat anymore. Gosh, I’m…I’m getting old. WHERE ARE ALL OF MY HATS?
4. The Fictional Christian
Ah. I am also a character in the book “Healing Stones”, starring Sullivan Crisp. Ethan doesn’t get much press time, and I only found out that I’m in the book by finding it on a blog. I really hope that “Healing Stones” takes place on the moon, where I lead a rag-tag bunch of space mercenaries against evil elves or something. Then I fight Nazi vampires while sleeping with a bunch of babes. And then I punch some vampire so hard in the face that his face explodes. THAT would make “Healing Stones” an awesome book, but sadly, it doesn’t take place on the moon, there are no vampires, and it is said to “shatter the illusion enveloping many Christian institutional settings, while infusing healing, hope and a plan toward authenticity,” which to me means that no one’s getting thrown through a plate glass window into a tank of radioactive scorpions.
5. The Fan Fiction Power Ranger
I can be happy that I’m a wrestler, I can even take some pride in being a combination of two spies, but someone’s idea of a Blue Power Ranger for his fan fiction? That one rubs me the wrong way. The weird way, like when you pet a cat backwards. If you’d like to read it, it’s here, but for the sake of your sanity, here are the highlights of my career in blue tights.
“My new character Ethan was created for these fan fictions to keep things fresh. The idea of including a new character that was suddenly thrown into the life of being a super hero and looking at their adventures from a different point of view was interesting to me. In the stories, Ethan teases about the corny names of the monsters they fight, he wonders why his teammates dress up in clothes in the colors of their Ranger suits and is constantly surprised by the events of being a Ranger when the others have experienced these things before. In a lot of ways, he’s like an audience member thrown into these stories — he can’t believe he’s there and is constantly surprised by what happens next, but is wondering the same absurdities about all of these things that you or I would.“
Sigh.
“My new, created-just-for-my-Power-Rangers-fan-fiction-stories character Ethan, though, has his own personal reasons on why he doesn’t drink alcohol.“
Sigh.
“The character Ethan Kaye, who assumes the role of the new Blue Ranger, is actually a homage to Ethan Ramsey Cambias, the character played by James Scott on the soap opera “All My Children” from 2004 to 2006. n fact, the name “Ethan Kaye” is an amalgam of the character and Thorsten Kaye, who plays his father, Zach Slater, on the series. My character, Ethan, also happens to share the same date of birth with Mr. Scott, January 14th — which was eerily odd, considering this was something I found out about the actor AFTER I came up with the character’s birthdate.“
Sigh.
“Ethan doesn’t drink because his abusive father was an alcoholic who drank himself to death and his favorite color is blue.“
Double, triple, quadruple sigh. My favorite color is not blue.
So….
That’s the state of things. One wrestler, one costumer (who might be the wrestler, I dunno), and three fan fiction characters. I don’t know what I learned today. Probably that my name is easily created by squishing other names together, which is more than I knew when I woke up this morning. But it’s not a total wash. At least I found the Russian mail-order bride website.
I love Warren Ellis’s Transmetropolitan, I love Alan Moore’s Watchmen, and I love Garth Ennis’s Preacher. I love Black Books and Black Adder. I love Hot Fuzz, The Young Ones, and Q.I.. I love the Beatles, the Stones, the Who, the Clash, the Damned, and Oasis. And I love how the British Isles don’t give a piss.
For example, this is the campaign Nestle is using for their Yorkie bar.
DAAAAAAAAAMN.
It’s unclear why this isn’t for the ladies of the town. It’s supposed to be chunkier, but why that has anything to do with your gender, I can’t tell. But the message couldn’t be clearer: this candy bar is made for men, not women, or men in dresses carrying purses (that’s what the logo says to me). Eddie Izzard cannot eat this candy. For that matter, neither can the Queen.
Maybe it’s full of testosterone or another drug that makes boobies shrink and voices deepen. It’s full of fat (21.5 grams, holy cats!), so maybe they’re doing a good thing for women’s fashion and saying, “Ladies, look out, if you’re attempting to watch your girlish figure!” It’s bloody 18% of your daily caloric intake! This isn’t just verbotten for ladies, it’s damn dangerous for anyone!
And I happened to find one in my neighboring deli, next to Malteasers and Bounty bars.
So I ate it. And it’s absolutely not anything to write home about. It’s creamy milk chocolate, thick enough for you to put the bite on, but there are no chunks of anything. Just chocolate.
I don’t know why girls should stay away from this, aside from the calories and fat. There are no chemicals in it that increase fertility or anything, and as far as I can tell, telling 50%+ of the world’s population that they can’t eat chocolate is like telling Maury Povich he can’t do paternity tests on his show anymore.
It was a dealer’s con, mostly. For every celeb from Friday the 13th part 2 signing autographs there were three tables of guys with bootleg DVD porn, 50 cent comics, and books that cost more than I make in a year. That’s an interesting thing about dealer cons - you can’t ever find what you’re looking for. Either it’s a dealer with 30 boxes of unsorted, beat-up crap, or it’s a billion boxes of golden/silver age stuff that 90% of the con can’t afford. Completionists like me either walk away empty-handed or spend an extraordinarily long time searching through garbage for the 1988 Manhunter #7 that I needed to fill out my run. And a lot of the con, seriously, was flea market stuff. The bootlegs, the overpriced bad condition comics, the bins of broken toys, that’s a flea market.
Luckily, the artists were awesome. Everyone was happy to talk and sell sketches, although there were many empty tables and a few missing names (Ice T and his wife were supposed to show too, but saw neither hide nor hair of them). I got a few more of my Mad Hatter commissions too, and as always I’m happy to show them off here.
Here’s a pencil sketch from Patrick Gleason, the artist extraordinaire for Green Lantern Corps and Robin. Super nice guy, one of the big rising stars in comics. His version of the Hatter is creepy and I love it.
Rodney (not Humberto, as his sign stated) Ramos, inker for Transmetropolitan, 52, and Countdown, gave me a brilliant ink sketch for my wall. He’s dandy and evil!
And finally, cartoonist Kev Toons gave me a cuter version of the Hatter, which will go well with my Art Baltazar crayon sketch.
So how was it? How was the con? It’s hard to say. I walked out of it with autographs, sketches, memories of conversations, photographs, and issues that completed my Manhunter and 1980 Moon Knight collections. But the heat of a 90+ degree day got into the building, making things hot as anything, and when you’re in close contact with enormous men who prize their NM copy of Punisher 2099 #1 (with holo-foil cover!) more than regular hygiene…well, if you’re not waiting around for a commissioned sketch, it’s very hard to justify staying around for too long. And for all the great stuff I got, at the end I think I might have stuck around just a little too long.
OH! There were also celebrities! More than just sexy Barbara Streisand.
Doug Jones, from Hellboy I & II, Fantastic Four II, and the Halloween favorite Hocus Pocus was in attendence, with the longest line of the con.
Super nice guy, I got to talk to him about his work and can say nothing but good things. Jason Mewes, “Jay” from the Kevin Smith films was there too, but I didn’t say hi. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi and had to snap a paparazzi-style photo instead.
And the Village People cowboy! Can’t stop the music!
And Cyclops even did his awesome pop and lock routine!
The big guest of the day was Malcolm McDowell, star of A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek: Generations, Time After Time, and now appears on Heroes. He is a charming man, very gracious and subdued, and I wasn’t afraid to admit I’d dressed as Alex for Halloween when I was in high school. Picture was taken.
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