WTF, Star Wars?

I stumbled across this little gem on a comic site. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR STAR WARS?

- Chewbacca looks like a dog. A shaggy dog. An ugly dog with eyes that are spread way too far apart. I’m not exactly sure what Chewbacca was supposed to represent in the films, if he was a bear/man hybrid or a dog/man hybrid or just a dude covered in hair, but he wasn’t supposed to look that much like a dog with huge hands. Oh, and his eyebrows are out of f-ing control and need to be slashed and burned.

- C3P0 looks, well, gay. A lot has been made of how the droids are gay for each other, mostly because of C3P0’s prissy fussing over R2-D2 and his whining when the two of them are separated. I didn’t believe this was the case for years. Droids? Gay? That’s illogical. Prissy? Sure. British? Sure. A tad effeminite? Sure. But gay? Nah, not those droids. But then I watched the movies again, all in a row, and holy shizzit, it leaps off the screen like Andy Dick riding a unicorn, a unicorn that’s wearing a pride shirt. This cover, showing the limp-wristed robot, just hammers another space nail in the space coffin.

- Han Solo doesn’t change his clothes. Ever.

- Luke is wearing…um…a cut-off shirt with buttons. With the collar popped. Nowadays an editor would stomp on that like Godzilla kills Tokyo, but in the 80’s I suspect that more people not involved with leather bars were wearing this and it slipped by. Oh, and his right thigh is twice as big as his left, making him some hobbling freak Jedi with hair that’s scarily like mine.

- What the hell is the one-legged insect thing on the right of the cover? Not in any Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen. Big cartoony eyes wouldn’t have gotten the thumbs up from Lucas, although when you see the cantina patrons in the Star Wars Christmas Special, you realize that a lot of lousy work was done on these films. Gone are the days of scary Darth Vader, the sadistic Emperor, and the intriguing Boba Fett. Say hello to…one-legged insect thing wearing khakis and striped shirt, with goose-neck microphone sticking out of his head and a bad toupee.

-Rabbits? RABBITS? Ha ha, there’s no need for space rabbits mixed into my Star Wars. They’re cute, but they don’t belong. Our heroes go from strangling Jabba the Hutt and slicing off their dad’s hands to herding fucking space rabbits? Why wasn’t this addressed in the prequels? Did everyone just forget about the adorable space rabbits?

-They streamlined R2-D2? Remember all those knobs and buttons on R2-D2? Well, they’re hard to draw, so sometimes artists just eliminate them and make R2 look like a giant white pill on stilts. Sometimes, they even do this on the cover.

- When did Lando Calrissian become the Cesar Romero of space? This is the one that had me scratching my head. What the hell happened, Billy Dee? What writer made you into a cigar-chomping guy in a cravat, airplane collar, and French cuffs that gets held by a wookie? Why are you wearing purple and green with black pants? Why is your hair blue? WHAT HAPPENED TO LANDO?

Luckily, this was the last issue. I can only imagine the horrors that would have followed if these mistakes were allowed to live.

Ass-End of Disney Part 3

And we’re back! Sorry for the delay.

Thumper
Bambi
This is a costume. Of a bunny. An animated bunny. A person has to crawl inside of it and walk around to entertain children. Luckily, children have never seen the classic film Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Have you?

Well, now you get the gist of it, and understand why I chose Thumper to hold up to ridicule. Seriously, rabbit, that’s just a bad make-up job. It reminds me of a woman I was standing next to the other day with way too much eyebrow pencil. Both of them looked freaky, however one is a rabbit. (Rabbits don’t wear make-up, unless they’re part of animal cosmetic testing. Thumper might be making some extra dough on the side.)

Rebecca
TailSpin
Rebecca was the motherly figure in the Disney Afternoon show TailSpin and she looks generally the same in this photo as she did on the show. Except for her monster animal head on her normal-sized body. I don’t see many children these days recalling the Disney Afternoon show enough to run up to Rebecca for a photo, so I imagine she wanders aimlessly around the park, posing for pictures with very confused park attendees. The excitement level for Rebecca has to be very low, since she wasn’t the break-out star of TailSpin and certainly never anyone’s favorite (unless they were into anthropomorphic bears who dressed in mom clothes which, sadly exist). I understand the difficulty putting costumes together, but sweat pants? Really? I’m sure there are a few mothers walking around the park right at this very moment wearing something similar, possibly smelling like spilled beer and crushed up Oxycontin.

Gideon
Pinocchio
So what do you remember about Gideon, eh? Well, before doing some wiki-research, all I remembered was that he was a bad guy somehow. A bad guy with a goofy grin. Then I read the synopsis of Pinocchio and learned that he and his fox friend, Honest John, sell Pinocchio into slavery twice. The first time it’s to Stromboli (remember him and his awful costume?) and the second time it’s to “The Coachman” who kidnaps the antagonist away to Pleasure Island where he’s turned into a donkey after drinking and smoking (they CAN’T get away with that in Disney films anymore, trust me). BUT THERE’S MORE. Gideon appears in the original Pinocchio, as well as Honest John. What do they do? Nothing so easy as slavery and kidnapping, no sir. They get their hands dirty in the original text.

They hang Pinocchio from a tree, trying to make him vomit gold coins.

Later Pinocchio bites Gideon’s hand off (I am 100% serious) and he goes blind. This didn’t make it into the Disney film, but damn, do you really want him hunched over your kids like that?

Radcliffe
Pocahontas
It’s an awkward hat contest! Winner is…the kid who didn’t wear a hat! Radcliffe has to be one of the most unlikable Disney characters ever created. In the film he did nothing positive at all, was not funny, and was often racist, mean, and imperialistic. The animators drew him as unattractive as possible, which translated into this costume. Everything about this guy screams “BAD” but of course he gets the costume anyway. The part I love is that the head is sculpted to make Radcliffe look as bored with the tourists as possible, which is good because these kids seem about as excited to pose with Radcliffe as they would to pose with someone who worked at a bank.

The Sheriff of Nottingham
Robin Hood
Another completely mean-spirited character who walks around posing with kids. Big props to the girl in the sorcerer’s hat who is once again willing to have her photo taken with characters she has absolutely no memory of. There’s no love here, no appreciation, not even any animosity towards a badger who stole money from poor people and locked them in jail. There isn’t even a hint of recognition going on here. Just pose next to the big furry thing, and in a few years, when you’re older, you might remember the movie.

Once upon a time…

…Eddie Murphy could promote a movie without resorting to looking either shocked and/or upset.

Ass-End of Disney Part 2

Enjoy the first five entries into the Disney Hall of “Wha?” Nothing odder than a large, bearded Italian man who wants to hug your kids. But did you think that those 5 were the weirdest of the costumes? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Clara Cluck
Various Disney Projects
If you don’t recognize Clara Cluck, don’t be alarmed. It only means one thing: You’re not 80 years old. Clara is old school Disney, ie before your parents’ time. She’s presented as an opera diva most of the time, something that even fewer kids nowadays comprehend. Opera ain’t that popular with the younger set. But hey, why not have her walk around Toon Town and sign autographs? Like those has-beens who show up with their tables and headshots at comic conventions, Clara Cluck hustles for whatever attention she can get from park attendees. Guarantee you that no child has any inkling of Clara’s history, so get ready to say, “Whoah, when did I get my picture taken next to this big chicken?” when you go through the scrapbooks.

Horace Horsecollar
Various Disney Projects
I’m partial to Horace Horsecollar, mostly because I had some old books when I was a kid and he was in them. That makes me possibly one of his biggest fans, as I satisfy their only criterion, “remembering him without malice.” Unless you have a really savvy 8-year old, and I’m talking “reads the New Yorker, listens (and understands) Firesign Theater, enjoys art galleries instead of making things out of earth and dirt” savvy, your kid is going to be frightened of Horace. It’s telling though that Disney has these properties that they fully own to exploit and yet they do nothing with them. Sure, there were those two Mickey Mouse TV shows, but why not really beef up the old characters? Why not put them into a movie together? Kids learn everything form movies these days, so what do they have to lose in making a film with the old characters? And why do I sound like an old man? “Build more houses by the golf course? Psh, my taxes will go up!”

Clarice
Chip and Dale Cartoons
“Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?” If they’re screaming, “WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER ME!” then yes, they are still screaming. Chip and Dale were pretty popular characters, but their “girlfriend” Clarice didn’t have the staying power to make it into the Rescue Rangers. I pity the poor girl (or fragile, skinny guy) who has to put this thing on and try to exude sexuality in the Florida heat, standing next to a puddle of pee. Kids will inevitably go home and question their sexual mores, when they are approached by a vivacious, hairy, former quadraped in a a cocktail dress. In fact, I’m not sure how many know this isn’t Chip in women’s clothing.

Friar Tuck
Robin Hood
Friar Tuck is one of those costumes that Disney cast members put on when all the good costumes are taken. Really hot out? Take the Smee costume, it’s lightweight and breathes well. Feel like mixing it up with kids? Mickey Mouse is a surefire draw. Want to get pawed at by dads who think they’re just being “goofy?” Get the Clarice out of mothballs. None of these options are viable? Wellllllll….we have this old war horse from 1973. Friar Tuck was never anyone’s favorite character, unless they were really into Andy Devine, the cowboy star who did his voice in the film. Fact is, he’s not memorable, much like the Robin Hood movie itself. My apologies to anyone who’s had to wear this sweat box, but next time put that “reserved” sticker on Chicken Little.

Stanley
Disney Playhouse’s Stanley
I know nothing about this character or show, so I don’t know how popular he is. The only reason I included it was because as I was searching through websites tracking down pictures, Stanley was the only one with a hyperlink on his name. When I clicked on it, it took me to a carpet dealer (and installer!) out of Utah.

B.E.N.
Treasure Planet
I think more kids have seen cartoons with Horace Horsecollar than saw Treasure Planet. It’s a pretty standard C-list Disney picture, nothing to write home about. In fact, I forgot it existed until I had to look up what the hell movie B.E.N. was from. He’s a perfect example of an optimistic Disney marketing team putting a costume together for an upcoming movie, then realizing that no one saw the movie and no one knows who the character is. The train of thought probably went something like, “Oh, kids will totally love B.E.N., the wacky, lovable, robot sidekick with no eyes” to “Kids aren’t getting B.E.N. at all” to “Let’s see if we can salvage some of that fabric for another project.”

More to come!

Ass-End of Disney Part 1

Folks, I’m gonna level with you. I love Disney. I love the theme parks, I love the cartoons, I love the mythology, I love the fact that it wants to dominate all culture by the next century. I’m fine with that. Disney = teh good.

Now, if you go to the theme parks, you’ll see the characters, the folks dressed up in the large headed-costumes sweating in the Florida heat. They’re a major part of it, kids really get a thrill out of it and I enjoy knowing that they’re college interns who probably aren’t smiling under there. If you check out my facebook page, there are some pics of me posing with a few of them (Facebook me! OMG! Ethan Kaye!).

So you’ve got your Mickeys, your Minnies, your Donalds, your Goofys, and your Toy Story heroes. They’re all over the place (except for the first two times I went to the park, I was lucky to see one Smee). They’re the popular heroes and villains that have proved time and again to be major draws for the Disney corp. But what about the…others?

Yes, believe or not, not all the costumed characters have been successes. A movie flops and the expensive suit (they can run up to $6K an outfit) gets tossed into a closet. Or sometimes the nostalgia of the character is overestimated. Remember the Walrus from the “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in Alice in Wonderland? He’s in the movie for less than 5 minutes. They made a costume of him. Approximately 95% of guests have no clue who he is, but they made a costume of him and he walks around signing autographs.

So, I present to you a multi-part examination of some of the “other” Disney costumed characters. Not your Mickeys, not your Minnies, but your bottom of the barrel Disney leftovers. Enjoy!

Stromboli
Pinocchio
OK, Stromboli is generally not the first character who springs to mind when you think of “fun memories for kids about Pinocchio.” He’s the exploitative showman who forces Pinocchio to dance. Remember the “got no strings” song? It’s peppy, catchy, and about how Pinocchio is a slave to the forces of entertainment. If the Disney World Stromboli doesn’t have to face his inner demons every time he encounters kids, then the costume is only half done. Stromboli must be thinking about how he can exploit the tourist children at every opportunity! He should be drinking their beverages from their collectible mugs and molesting their moms! He’s not just a cuddly showman, he’s a larger-than-life machine! He’s Michael Douglas in Wall Street, he’s Al Pacino in Scarface, he’s Christopher Walken in King of New York. This guy’s got an angle, and he’s not afraid to kidnap a kid to make it happen. But hey, signing autographs is a steady side gig. Watch your cash around this one.

Mademoiselle Upanova
Fantasia
I like Fantasia. It was great to make out to in high school, since you can’t lose any plot by looking away, it’s all audio. So this ostrich was the “lead” in the segment “Dance of the Hours.” She was identified in no way, shape, or form in the film as “Mademoiselle Upanova” (I just got the pun, ha ha), but take our word for it, that’s who she is. Wizard Magazine doesn’t lie about anthropomorphic ostriches. The interesting part is that Fantasia, although it is one of Disney’s greatest films, is not a huge hit with kids. Sure, it’ll keep their attention with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice part, but everything else is like watching a ballet, and kids don’t have that kind of patience. So getting them to remember the dancing ostrich…that’s assuming a lot. How many parents said, “Oh honey, get your picture next to the bird!” and “It’s like Big Bird!”? More than you think.

Hyacinth Hippo
Fantasia
Another minor Fantasia character. It’s pretty obvious who got chosen and who didn’t: goofy animals = awesome, topless centaurs, demons on mountains, sorcerers, and dying dinosaurs = no costume for you. If I did drugs, I suspect I’d have bought the DVD by now, but as I don’t I still haven’t found a reason to purchase it. Hyacinth, sadly, does not bear the same mark of quality of most of the Disney World costumes. She doesn’t have that star quality of the Hyacinth of the cartoon and looks more or less like an off-the-shelf, run-of-the-mill pink hippo costume. Is it any wonder she doesn’t sign autographs?

Abby Mallard
Chicken Little

Kids, why don’t you want to go back to Disney World? Oh right, that duck thing that scared you so much you peed on your shoes. This costume could have done with about 40% less eyes. In fact, if I hadn’t seen it was a duck, I would have assumed it was some sort of deep sea tubeworm with features. And DON’T tell me you don’t see that now when you look at it. Tubeworm with a face. I haven’t seen Chicken Little, but I can safely assume that Abby Mallard doesn’t go through the film being surprised by every little thing she comes across. I cannot safely say that she sleeps at all through the film, so a lack of sleep might be a cause of this.

Marie
The Aristocats
So there’s a mother, a father, two kids, a grandmother, and a cat named Marie. They walk into a talent agency and the dad says to the agent, “We have an awesome act for you!” and the agent says, “Well, we don’t usually do family acts.” and the dad says, “Well, just wait ’till you see this!” And then he STOP. AWFUL THINGS HAPPEN. DISGUSTING THINGS HAPPEN. DO NOT IMAGINE THEM. THEY INVOLVE BODY FLUIDS AND THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL. TO FAMILY MEMBERS. Then the astonished agent wipes off his face and says, shakily, “What the hell…do you call…that…” and the dad proudly says, “THE ARISTOCATS!” Anyhoodles, Marie is the only character I’ve seen from the film The Aristocats out and about at the park. She is hopelessly alone in her wanderings, removed from context and transformed into a target for furries. She’s a woman in a slinky cat costume. You think she’s not giving the guy who dressed up as a sheep in his spare time a sweating fit? Bad idea all-around.

More to come!

The best a man can get

Something from a previous DragonCon that a friend stumbled across:

What’s sad about this picture is that I don’t think mankind can create a better Juggernaut costume. We all saw what happened with the X3 Juggernaut, he was soccer star Vinnie Jones in an ill-fitting muscle suit. Not as bad as this:

but bad enough. This has all the proper elements of Juggernaut, color included, which one-ups Vinnie’s costume. I can’t imagine how they would have done a realistic maroon costume for X3, but I assume it would look something like this. Minus the sweatpants.

And trust me, you want to stay out of this guy’s way, once he charges, there’s no escaping his deadly onslaught! Especially if he’s charging towards a table full of cheap comics and Buffy outtake DVDs. I’m (mostly) the Juggernaut, bitch!

This week in Netflix: 99

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

99

A college playboy needs just one more conquest to win a bet that he could sleep with 100 women before he graduates — but sealing the deal could be difficult with only hours to go and 99 babes roaming campus looking for revenge. Meanwhile, a classmate and recreational drug enthusiast risks forfeiting his inheritance unless he can steal back his tainted urine sample. Jereme Badger and Bobby Campo star in this comic romp from director Pete Guzzo.

Yes, this movie’s called “99″. And yes it has two conflicting plots about racing against time for you to focus on. And yes, it got less than 2 stars out of a possible 5. Happily, aside from student films and shorts, this is the highest rated of Pete Guzzo’s films on IMDB.com.

Neither plot is particularly intriguing, with the second one particularly sucking. I have always hated “race against time” movies and the race to deliver clean urine…well, that’s not getting my time. According to the IMDB plot synopsis, the “inheritance” is a bar. I don’t see a conflict of interest here, as many bartenders (and especially owners) couldn’t pass a drug test even if they replaced their plasma with Evian. But that’s our conflict, ladies and gents, and we’re stuck with it.

The person who left him the bar must not have known him very well, which begs the question: “WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE?” The only times when people do retarded things like this is in movies. “I’ll give you all this money, but only if you…” There has to be a legal precedent where the lawyer just says, “You know what? Screw what the old bat wants. He’s dead and in an urn. Take what you want. You don’t have to do something dumb like finish college in 30 days or eat chicken every day for a year. Just take this sack of dough.”

The first plot is a smidge better, but watching an obviously uncaring, slutty womanizer get chased around campus by 99 women he seduced and abandoned is just sexist, mysogynistic, and boring. I’d be more apt to watch 10 minutes of that and then 50 minutes of him being tortured to death while listening to L7. And although I haven’t seen this film, I predict there’s at least one scene where he gets slapped by a girl. If it were an 80’s film, I’d also expect the main character to get hit in the crotch and have his eyes go crossed.

So I guess here’s the conflict. If the school is so small that a gang of 100 people can’t find one dude (and let’s face it, there’s always a place to hide on a college campus), he can’t seduce and potentially emotionally scar another college girl. We’re expected to side with this guy. “But…but…if he’s forced to hide, then he can’t keep doing the awful stuff he was doing before! And he loses a bet!”

My advice? You just had sex with 99 women over the course of 4 years. Unless you have the opportunity to win a solid gold unicorn that farts South Park DVDs while singing lost Beatles songs, forget the bet. You’ve already won.

Advice from Ethan

Dear creators of the Ninja Turtles toys:

There is an actual point where you will run out of good ideas. It’s inevitable, everyone comes to the end of the road, creatively. Sometimes this is permanent, other times this is a temporary thing that signifies you need to take a few years off to farm or consult or do whatever retired people do.

But how do you know when your time is up?

Well, for starters, when you put this out as a serious toy:

Now is the point when you stop.

Three things

What do these three things have in common?

All three of these characters have killed people. One even ate their brains.
But they’re sooooo cuuuuuuuuuute!!!!!!!!

Sleestak attack!

I love Sleestak. Seriously, I adore Sleestak. I liked them for years, even when it wasn’t cool to like Sleestak. I’m so glad they’re getting some respect. Scariest damn things in the world.

I love Sleestak.