I’ve been had!

Years ago, I fancied myself a lover of classic rock. It was in the mid-90’s, when Woodstock ‘94 was happening and everyone was getting into ’60s groups all over again (Country Joe and the Fish. Seriously). I was all into the Doors and the Beatles and Tull and the Mamas and the Papas and (especially) the Who, but I also had this crazy need to collect things, which explains the state of my apartment today.

An antique store had opened in downtown Easton and it was full of all kinds of glorious mysteries, like ’50s men’s magazines and signs that said “whites only” and other fun stuff that a kid can enjoy when he has an afternoon off and he can get a ride to downtown. And since I liked the Beatles, I asked the owner if he had any Beatles stuff. No, he said. Well, if you get any, can you give me a call? Sure. Oh wait, we do have something. Here, this doll is George Harrison.

Notice that the box says “New Kids on the Block.”

Also, consider that “George” was out of the box. No box in sight. So I paid $20 for “George Harrison”. He kind of looks like later George Harrison. Except he’s really Jordan Knight from NKOTB.

So flash forward to today, 2009. I STILL have “George Harrison” on my bookshelf. I know full well it’s Jordan Knight, but I always have a laugh explaining that it’s George Harrison to people, most of whom realize it’s Jordan Knight.

The antique store closed. Pretty soon after I went away to college. I guess the $20 they ripped off of me couldn’t save them from going under. I hope their children hate them.

The moral of the story? ALWAYS KNOW YOUR DEALER.

Dear Hollywood

Please stop basing an entire movie about how funny it is that a black man is dressed like a fat woman.

It may have been funny once, but now it’s turning into an odd genre thing, and honestly? It’s just kinda weird at this point. I’m not pointing out films where an actor just wears a fat suit (Austin Powers, Get Smart), because the movie is not dependent on “oh lord, they are so a man as a woman!” for it to work. Mrs. Doubtfire is also part of the offending genre.

The banana approacheth!

Things were going swimmingly at the NY Comic Con. I had more sketches of the Mad Hatter than I ever had before, I had purchased enough issues of Detective Comics to alllllmost have every issue from 600 to the present (850-something), and my friend Nadir Balan was getting a lot of good feedback on his portfolio. Life was good.

Until CC Banana showed up!

This yellow-clad superhero of celebrity justice demanded to know whence I came and wither traveling. I was not going to share my secret Comic Con plans with this master of the microphone!

“Let me pass,” I said. CC Banana pleaded with me, “Either you let me know your secret Comic Con plans, or I’ll have to use my great magicks!” And as a man who interviews people dressed as a banana, I knew he was serious. I had to think of a plan fast.

I confronted CC, ready to use all of the powers of Wizarduniverse.com against him in an attempt to shake his demonic stare.

THEN HE ATTACKED! He fought with crane style, dragon style, and toad style. He fought with the 7 Deadly Palms of Vegetables. I was overpowered!

But all was well. CC Banana took off his yellow glasses and I realized that he meant no harm. We were friends again.

Then we formed an AWESOME mega alliance of awesome and our combined powers will rock your faces until the sun comes up over Santa Monica Boulevard. Forget it, Jake. It’s Rock Town.

(the truth of the story is that I haven’t seen my pal CC in a while so this was just a conversation we were having taken at weird angles. The attack was actually a hug. Check out his blog, he’s gonna have some good con coverage of his own)

(also, my secret Comic Con plan was to take a picture of this guy:

(yes, that’s a hot dog)

Celebrities can do anything!

Believe it, true believers. A celebrity endorsement can sell anything from shoes to hot dogs to underwear (all sold by Michael Jordan), and at the NY Comic Con here at the Javits Center, celeb endorsements of products long forgotten still sell for top dollar. Or, middle dollar. I wouldn’t spend my bottom dollar on them though.

Case in point:

Elsa Lanchester’s album “Bawdy Cockney Songs.” If you don’t know what “bawdy” means, it’s British for “naughty”, while “Cockney” is a type of English spoken by the very underclass. The whores in the Jack the Ripper stories all spoke Cockney. And Elsa Lanchester? She was the bride of Frankenstein. I have no idea what demographic this was aimed at, since I can’t see people actually paying money to listen to the Bride of Frankenstein sing songs they could hear off a drunk in the gutter or a sailor at the docks for free.

And who can turn down OJ Simpson’s coloring book, especially with that patriotic flavor? Yes we can! Yes we can!

Then there’s the barely-celebrity/counting-down-those-15-minutes/non-endorsed products, like this (short) biography of teenyboppers’ favorite vampire! Really nowhere else you can sell these other than a comic con, but trust me, they were selling about as well as if they were being sold at a Home Depot. Mr. Pattinson is not attending this convention, as he is off in England somewhere, being cool.

The golden days of advertising

The calendar I have at my desk is of old blues album ads from the 1920’s and 30’s, mostly because Barnes & Noble and the Strand had unbelievably awful calendars on sale for 2009. Last year I got an amazing R. Crumb calendar from the Strand, but when I came back this year searching for a calendar I had my choice of sailboats, kittens, puppies, or oil paintings of flowers. So I hit the internet and picked up this awesome calendar from Blues Images.

February’s image is this (an adaptation of it):

The tagline is awesome. This was a day when advertising had some stones. “It’s The Greatest Record Ever Made.” That promises a lot. I’d love to be able to weave that claim into one of my ads. Just balls-to-the-wall braggadocio.

Thing is, the song’s really good. It may not be the greatest record ever made by today’s standards (in my mind, it’s Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road”), but I’m sure I would have worn out the needle on “Milk Cow Blues”.

2008: The year in review part 2

We’re back with more synopses of movies you might want to pick up and movies you quite possibly want to stay away from, like a mangy dog with VD.

Spike Jones: The Legend (1951) – If you don’t know Spike Jones, you should. The man was a force of nature in the 40’s and 50’s, with his band of City Slickers and bizarre renditions of popular songs. A lot of what he did is still being imitated, often unconsciously. Most of the DVD is guest appearances on popular programs, which does involve some repeats here and there, but the material is dynamite all the time. I just got his bio for Hanukkah, so that’s on my reading list.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – You know, those Michael Myers “Halloween” movies are great, but there’s just so much more you can do with the holiday of Halloween. Thankfully, Halloween III has diddly to do with the plot of the first two movies and instead tells the tale of an evil toy company stealing Stonehenge and using its energy to create masks that turn your face into snakes and bugs. This indeed made it to theaters, and people indeed paid money for this. Special effects are flat out retarded, the characters make the wrong decisions almost always, and no one bothered to think that Stonehenge had to do with ley lines, not just a bunch of old rocks standing in a circle.

Jack-O (1995) – I only wish this was a bigger cult film than it is. The movie is a disaster from start to finish, think “The Room” but with a semi-murderous pumpkin-headed monster. Virtually no one in this film is an actor but that’s ok, as a real actor would probably object to the incredibly bland dialogue and storyline. Plot holes, logic holes, and even casting holes abound. “Casting holes?” you say? Yup. John Carradine died in the 80’s. The producer of Jack-o bought a couple seconds of film of John looking grim in a cloak and reciting some vague goth nonsense, then edited the film around that so John Carradine is “in” the movie as an evil wizard. Say nothing of the fact that every time you see his face the film stock changes and every time some cast member has to interact with him he’s always shot from the back, wearing a hooded cloak to hide the fact that HE’S AN EXTRA WITH NO LINES.

The Chronological Donald: Vol. 1 (1934) – After coming back from Disney World I was on a Disney high that has lasted until the present. Naturally I wanted more more more, so this chronological presentation of Donald Duck cartoons was perfect. It’s hosted by Leonard Maltin, whose main role was to come on in-between cartoons and say things like, “Now, back in the 1940’s it was common to see black people portrayed like this, and no offense was meant at all,” and “In this cartoon you’ll see Donald put a gun to his head and pray for death, but that’s no indication that viewers should follow his example.” Donald also smokes cigarettes, tries to win a pipe from a claw machine game, and uses the line “I might as well be in a concentration camp” when protesting against doing work. The cartoons are still awesome, despite Maltin’s warning labels.

The Man in the Glass Booth (1975) – Again, part of my Nazi-hunter movie phase. Maximillian Schell is a Jewish man arrested as an escaped Nazi, then takes pleasure in becoming this new evil character. It’s a little over the top in places (every time Schell speaks), but it was a good film to watch one Saturday morning when I felt like curling up on the couch with my cat and watching movies about Nazi atrocities.

Thinking XXX (2004) – After reading the Legs McNeill book “The Other Hollywood” I started finding more information about the history of the porn world. “Thinking XXX” is candid conversations with porn stars on the set of a photo shoot for a coffee table book. It’s a lot of casual nudity, so keep the kids away from this one.

Roadie (1980) – Meatloaf! In his first big screen role! The screen can barely hold his face! It’s huge! And it keeps looking at the camera! This was part of the Monster Society of Evil’s “Too Many Musicians” night, because aside from Meatloaf, it stars Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Hank Williams Jr, Blondie, and Don Cornelius. It’s not entertaining as a movie, but verbally berating the characters on the screen (”WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ROY ORBISON???”) makes up for the various offenses committed by this film. Do NOT watch this alone, as you will probably lose IQ points.

The Tick Vs. Season 1 (1994) – If you’re linking to this blog through Wizard, there’s no need to tell you how good this cartoon was. If you didn’t, this cartoon was very smart and funny, and followed the comic series very, very closely.

Dear Santa (1998) – If there is a God, he was looking the other way when they filmed this. It’s a VERY lame retelling of The Santa Clause as done by actors who might have been dynamite in their community theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun,” but are a mess here. Lines are read so deliberately that you expect a chorus line to form behind the actors. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and the actors have a very hard time not looking at the camera in every shot. If I filmed myself shouting obscenities while peeing on a tree, it would be a better holiday film than this.

A Very Finnish Christmas Carol

Yesterday, I was talking with my friend Bethany about the holiday season, and she told me the joy that is Finnish Christmas carols. See, Bethany’s Finnish and the Finnish love Christmas – especially Santa Claus. They believe he lives in Finland, which is possible, since there’s a lot of unclaimed real estate up there. She told me that Finnish Christmas songs are a hoot and a half, but since they’re all in Finnish, I wouldn’t really get them.

Unless, of course, I ran the text through a Finnish translation program. That was my idea. So here, for your enjoyment, are Finnish Christmas carols, translated into poor, broken English through a combination of a translation program and a Finnish to English dictionary (for the hard words that slipped through the translator). Please keep in mind that the oddness of these is due to the not-so-good translator programs, and not due to the quality of Finnish songs. They may sound as insane as a, say, Japanese Christmas carol, but I’m certain they actually make sense in their original language, unlike Japanese Christmas carols.

Christmas Eve is now sweet

(this part the children sing)

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Does not the burden will press your back?
The fair here, we are not afraid!
Oothan(?) us with old friends, firm, bitterness.
Here is also goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being.

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Spend the evening with us here we triumph.
Welcome to us always, the fair here, wood-press or if you want to play on
Two more fun you have!

(this part Santa sings)

Thank you, thank you, goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being.
Greetings to you, the little ones;
make room for playing, make room for singing!
Here a fun evening moment at night, but there is still a long expedition:
spruce tree trust the head of I got the direction of travel runs.

(this part the children sing)

Santa Claus, Santa Claus, a white beard, the old granddaddy.
Stay for a little while, though on a long trip.
Here we bring you a nectar; colder than the spring.
Then periodically knew of the long – to go as big MAN!

(this part Santa sings)

Thank you, but now goody-goody children, bright eyes, for the time being!
Here is to your memory; Small Christmas tasting.<

(this part the children sing)

Thank you, a good grandpa, our friend Santa Claus.
Again, when you reach the next Christmas, welcome to our school!

I do not search for power, glory

I do not search for power, glory, I do not need of any gold;
I ask the celestial light and peace over the country!
It’s Christmas morass mi brings happiness and minds to bring God creates!
It is not the power or even the gold, but peace in the country on top!

Create a poor way as riches be a wonderful Christmas!
Darkness brings the world’s celestial light!
Sue hug, Sue, I expect Mr. Weather country and the sky!
Now the poor even as the rich will create a sweet Christmas brings!

Dashing curved steps

Dashing curved steps, mother’s tedium is so busy.
Gifts covered in wrapping paper; No. Pledge stick, but to have fun after all!

Christmas ends, even the shoe does not play;
Christmas tree is exported away, away, away.
But next year he arrives in a law-Valentine
It can not betray the hope!

Horrorday Cards 2008

“Oh hi! Didn’t see you come in! I was just singing a Christmas carol with my remarkably pale wife with dead eyes!”

Beaten to the punch, history-style

I read in a book this evening that Mozart spent so much time writing the music to his version of the Christoff Martin Weiland tale The Magic Flute that someone else adapted Weiland’s story before he did.

That opera was entitled, and I’m completely 100% serious, Jasper the Bassonist, or “The Magic Zither.”

Can’t find the sheet music to that one.

The Don Pardo Game

There is a new game. All-around funnyman Dun Dunford and I have invented a new game. It is called the Don Pardo Game.

This is Don Pardo. He is the announcer for Saturday Night Live.

Here’s the game:

In the voice of Don Pardo (you know what it sounds like), you need to create the oddest SNL musical guest/guest host combination you can think of. Now, SNL has had some amazingly weird guests in the past, so coming up with actual guests should be a snap. It’s always more fun when you use the actual guests they’ve had. But you have to put the names in the classic Don Pardo SNL announcement format.

“With musical guest _______! And your host, _______!”

F’r instance, “With musical guest Fishbone! And your host, Jeremy Irons!”
Or, “With musical guest Warren G featuring Nate Dogg! And your host, Ian McKellan!”

The more unlikely the better. And if you have a real loser of a pair, you can always do the highly unattractive “in two weeks” pairing:

“Saturday Night Live with return in two weeks with musical guest Fine Young Cannibals and your host, Wayne Gretzky!”

Makes you want to tune in, right? And to top it off, that one was a real combination that appeared in 1989. Some more actual pairings include such unlikely mash-ups as:

10. Robert Klein/ABBA
9. Ruth Gordon/Chuck Berry
8. Christopher Lee/Meat Loaf
7. Howard Hesseman/Men at Work
6. Ed Koch/Dexy’s Midnight Runners
5. Macaulay Culkin/Tin Machine
4. Justine Bateman/Terence Trent D’Arby
3. George Wendt/Philip Glass
2. George Steinbrenner/Morris Day and the Time
1. Wayne Gretzky/Fine Young Cannibals

The thing is, you HAVE to do this out loud, with the Don Pardo voice. It doesn’t work well at all in print. How do I know? Dan and I played the Don Pardo game for four hours while we drove around Westchester today. Here’s a hint: you can always lean on musical guest Puff Daddy featuring Jimmy Page or guest host Steve Forbes.

Have fun!