Thank God He Quit His Day Job: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch

For you youngsters growing up in these modern times, you probably know Mark Wahlberg, the star of films such as Invincible, Planet of the Apes, and the underrated comedy The Big Hit (I’m serious). You probably think that life is pretty sweet for Mr. Wahlberg, especially since his brother Donnie finally rejoined his old band and stopped borrowing money. But Mark has a secret. A secret that kids born in the last 15 years don’t know about.

You see, Mark used to be a rapper. He released albums under the name “Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch”. He looked like this:

And went out in public looking as such. Now, you have to know that in the early 90’s there was an interesting phenomenon: anyone could rap. It’s true, pussy-ass white kids from the suburbs could go out and put a few tracks down and people would be ok with that. Nowadays you have to prove that you’re tough enough to rap, but in the 90’s anything went. And as Vanilla Ice showed us, you could make it big even when you sucked. And Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch sucked more than normal.

Marky Mark’s big hit was a rap over the classic Lou Reed gem “Walk on the Wild Side”, a song that most people would enjoy listening to. Sadly, Marky Mark’s rendition was abysmal, throwing out painful cliches, embarrassing rhymes, and a social conscience that is more or less laughable. I offer a little bit of commentary through Mark’s song. Imagine Lou Reed looping in the back, with the sax part repeated two or three times.

Ah yeah huh..America the Beautiful
Huh, yeah, let me introduce y’all..to the Wildside

Things go badly right from the start. This is the “call out” like many rap songs have, except Marky gets sarcastic about America and then introduces us to his much lamer alternative, “The Wildside”. The listener hopes that the Wildside offers an improvement over America, but that is not to be the case. In comparison, if America the Beautiful was a decent-sized car with a few problems, The Wildside is a cramped broken car that is filled to the windows with pee.

Annie was a high school cheerleader
Pom poms and bobby socks, no girl was sweeter
Come Prom time everybody was on the line
All the fellas swinging nickel and dime
Tales about love and lust and trust
But Annie took it all in stride
Cause deep inside Annie had aspirations
Wanted to be a chemical engineer
Making 50 to 55 thousand a year
Her first year of college was a success
But along came Billy possessed and obsessed
He took Annie on a fatal date
And showed her things that make heartbeats accelerate
Annie took a hit breathed two short breaths
One for life..the last for death
Now she’s gone, a former Valedictorian
Ended up becoming a topic for historians
Washed up dreams and shattered pride
All because Annie took a hit - on the Wildside

Chemical Engineer? This is what was decided on in the writing room? A mid-level chemical engineer is what Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch chose to make his song about. After an exhaustive internet search using the most up-to-date software available (google), there are officially NO songs out there that deal with the protagonist aspiring to be a chemical engineer. Wichita lineman, yes, chemical engineer, no.

This girl, so set on her job working in a lab and being middle class, refuses to go to prom, yet is coerced into taking drugs on a first date and dying. And what drug is she “taking hits” of? Well, it’s not marijuana, since that doesn’t kill you. And smoking coke and heroin are not usual activities for college freshmen. Nope, she was convinced to either smoking crack or angel dust. See how this doesn’t add up, Marky Mark? There’s a reason marijuana is called a gateway drug - BECAUSE PEOPLE DON’T START OUT SMOKING CRACK.

Oh, and rhyming “Valedictorian” with “historians” is a huge, huge offense to the English language.

Ron had enough of being broke everyday
Saying to himself, there’s gotta be a betta way
Cause 9 to 5 wasn’t worth the headaches
So Ron figured out a faster way to make - money
Before you know it, he’s a rich man
Gold on every finger of his hand
A brand new BMW, a condo, Ron ended up a John Doe
A body was found in the alley but never clained
Full of bullet holes but none to blame
Ron became another victim of homicide
Because he chose to walk - on the Wildside

A rich guy, Ron, dies violently after amassing a small fortune and purchasing much gold, fancy cars and (the horrors!) a condo. And the body was never claimed? Mark, even David Ruffin’s body was claimed and he was a mess when he died. If he was selling drugs, odds are someone noticed. Then again, this was the early 90’s and we didn’t have shows like Bones that could identify a corpse from something as small as a toenail. Maybe in the 90’s the police were too busy looking for Jon Benet Ramsey’s killer that they couldn’t connect an empty condo and an abandoned BMW with a John Doe. And yes, he does rhyme “homicide” with “Wildside,” and as we shall see, he also goes for the other easy one in the next verse.

Charles had everything going for him
A top paying job, a good life, a good wife
A baby boy on the way any day
A gentleman attitude is all he displayed
Carol was the wife he loved and adored
Her family and freinds treated him like an Ambassador
One night on the other side of town
A police dispatcher picked up a weird sound
Charles on the car phone asking for help
Claiming a burglar shot his wife and himself
His pregnant wife lay slumped over
Dreams corrupted and a young life over
Extensive searches throughout the projects
Put a lot of people through misery and wreck
Everyone a suspect til someone was found
Interrigated cause their skin was brown
Then there was Bennett, guilty until proven so
But soon as the case started moving slow
What do you know, sure as as sea gull gets webbed toed
Charles was the culprit
The whole plot was an insurance scam
Charles and his brother came up with a plan
Kill Carol, collect a big check
Blame it on a black man, what the heck?
And just before the story was known
Charles had a feeling that his cover was blown
So he jumped offa bridge
Committed suicide
This is how it is - on the Wildside

This reads like a goddam Canterbury Tale. I am of the opinion that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch went a little overboard on this verse, since it comprises more lines than the Lord’s Prayer. Granted, only about half the lines are NOT ridiculously bad, but we’re talking all-inclusive here. Some of the greatest hits:

“Carol was the wife he loved and adored
Her family and freinds treated him like an Ambassador”

Huh? What? They graciously accepted him to dinners and listened to him bitch about the way trade was going?

“Extensive searches throughout the projects
Put a lot of people through misery and wreck”

Nice rhyme there, Marky Mark. It has about the same complexity as a 9-year-old’s poem about the first Thanksgiving.

“But soon as the case started moving slow
What do you know, sure as as sea gull gets webbed toed”

This is why Marky Mark never got any street cred. Never, ever, ever. When he dies I want to visit his grave and drop this lyric on his grave and pour out a 40 of Juicy Juice, because this line is hella fruity.

And finally,
Little Tiffany, only thirteen
Came to the city, place of big dreams
Visiting family and friends for the summertime
Sittin’ on a mailbox, watchin’ the boys climb trees
And the girls play hopscotch
So far, her vacation was top notch
Then out of the blue, a Mercedes at top speed
Gang bangers chasin’ the robbers on the stampede
Quick as a blink shots rang out loud
And a hail of bullets zipped through the crowd
One hit Tiffany, and instantly she died
Innocently - on the Wildside

Her vacation sounds dull. Watching other people have fun is not a fun vacation. And where the hell are there trees to climb in NYC that are close to roads? The horse paths in Central Park? Maybe the boys were climbing one of the few trees that are stuck in the concrete and surrounded by dangerous spikes to keep dogs away? I don’t know what trees Marky Mark is talking about.

This week in Netflix: a Review

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week? Well, we have a few of them.

Sunday School Musical

When financial woes threaten their church’s future, a group of teens, led by one talented performer, enters a song and dance competition in hopes of winning a heavenly cash prize. Starring Candise Lakota as Savannah, this heartwarming and energetic Christian spin on the tremendously popular High School Musical franchise features 21 songs, including seven originals by composer Don Raymond. Rachel Goldenberg directs.

Financial woes. The old song and dance (ha ha ha) that has been known to organize kids into starting musicals. By doing a little bit of research (ie, looking for another synopsis), it looks like the church is going to be torn down. That’s right, a church is a little arrears on the rent, and the whole thing is going to be gone. That, to me, is next to impossible. If a greedy developer was trying to take over the land, the odds are that there would be huge legal battles involved with evicting and then demolishing a church. If they owe back rent, then the most expensive thing to do would be to tear it down - demolition costs cash, which is why you see churches for sale these days. And how dire is the financial situation if it can be solved by entering a talent show? The choices are come up with the money you win in a talent show OR LOSE EVERYTHING. Doesn’t add up.

Plus, if the church was important enough to save it should have enough support from the community/diocese/historic preservation to stay afloat. Otherwise the church folds but the congregation moves on to other things. Like a smaller, more affordable space. The church is people, not brick and mortar, it will survive wherever people take it. So this really is about kids who don’t want to lose a building that no one else is fighting for. What a great movie! No wonder this religious knock-off of a popular franchise only got 2 stars from Netflix, less than Curse of Alcatraz!

Half a Person

When Mark (Michael Majeski), a young gay man, and his straight best friend, Alex (Nigel Smith), leave their hometown for the big city, Mark exposes a self-destructive streak, while Alex must confront a painful secret from his past. But as they reveal more of their true selves, their hidden feelings for each other drive them to a decision that changes their lives forever. Adam Santangelo directs this sensitive coming-of-age drama.

Not much to say, other than I finally decoded the Netflix website. If a movie is called a “coming-of-age” anything, it’s really code for “and then I figured out I was gay.” Next movie.

Fiesta Grand

When Monica dumps her overbearing boyfriend, Rueben, and becomes engaged to sweet but poor James, her parents disapprove and scheme with Rueben to sabotage the engagement. Meanwhile, James’s pals are planning to throw a wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. Can James and Monica navigate interfering relatives and well-meaning friends and actually make it to the altar? Josué Gutierrez and Lyanna Tumaneng star in this comedy.

Wow. A wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. That sure makes for a fun twist. Wow. Can’t wait to see this, it looks stellar. Really breaks new ground.

Now imagine how different that paragraph would have sounded if I used exclamation points instead of periods. Now realize why I didn’t. It’s the problem of too many subplots. Why mention the bachelor party? How is this different than so many other awful wedding movies? And why did the one reviewer on the site give it 4 out of 5 stars and say it was “must see?” My guess is they were cast or crew, since Netflix gives it less than 2 stars.

Birds of America

With only his daffy neighbor (Hilary Swank) offering a diversion from his daily grind, Morrie (Matthew Perry) feels stifled by his suburban life and career. But circumstances change when he’s forced to reconcile with his younger brother and sister (Ben Foster and Ginnifer Goodwin). They resented him as a surrogate father when they were growing up, but now, their freewheeling ways just may be Morrie’s salvation. Daniel Eric Gold co-stars.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Matthew Perry should take a break from his film career and give television a go.

Let’s swim to the moon

I keep checking out LPlover.com for some classic oddball albums and I’m going to keep posting some of the winners over here. Why? They funny! They make-a you laugh!

Except this one.

There is so, so much wrong with this particular album, entitled “To conquer the moon,” that I should be calling up the French League of Decency, except they don’t exist.

For starters, what’s being depicted on this cover? A large man taking a little boy past a launching rocket. Perhaps this man is taking the boy on a trip through the awesome world of space exploration, starting with a lunar rocket launch, much like a Disney World ride. It would kind of make sense then, although the child would be burned to a little cinder since they’re so close to the exhaust area of the rocket.

But what’s really going on? The man is much, much larger than the boy, which could be to show that he has the higher status on this cover. He looks angry, like he’s determined to get the kid somewhere and the rocket is just a distraction on their way to…wherever they’re going. “Stop looking that way, we’re going to the rest stop toilet.” Not only that, what the hell is he wearing? A real astronaut’s uniform has all kinds of gadgets on the front. See?

Tubes and valves and gauges. This guy on the cover is wearing coveralls with a cargo pocket, a collar, and two patches. He’s not an astronaut. It’s very obvious that this man made an astronaut-like suit so he could bait children with it. It really isn’t anything convincing, unless you’re at a shuttle launch with your folks and you expect to see NASA people walking around. He’s got a bulge in his pants that would put a pornstar to shame as well. And the launching rocket, well, that’s Freudian for ya. Sometimes a rocket isn’t just a rocket.

This boy is being abducted for sinister purposes. And it’s all captured on the cover of a French album about space exploration.

Catchy tunes to get your feet a-tappin’

I found this little gem over at LP Lover and it was so odd that I needed to borrow it for Feed Me A Kitten (thanks!).

Things are laid-back on side one, where we talk about the Chairman and how he’s doing, as well as thinking we’re sunflowers. The sunflower is probably symbolic, but as I haven’t heard the album and the screechy kids who sing it, I’m going to let the matter drop. Then on side two, things get serious. Repudiation meetings! Growing stronger in the fight! Everything sung in unison! (which is appropriate) The killer hit, number 1 with a bullet, has to be “Criticize Lin Piao and Discredit Him Completely,” which I would almost expect to be covered by Rage Against the Machine on an upcoming album. Get out on the dance floor and sing in unison! Buy the cassingle! March with your friends!

Big Jim RULES

My uncle Mick, a veteran of the 70’s, was putting some of his old scanned pictures up on the web and gave me access to his albums. There were some pictures of the family, some pets, some camping trips I didn’t go on, stuff like that, but as the pictures started to get older, the subjects got weirder. There was a psychadelic sunset painted on my uncle’s wall. An ex-girlfriend who probably had a story behind her that I was never privy to. And this gem, an autographed photo.

From the signature, this is Big Jim.

The hair says “John Holmes,” while the suspenders say “Doug Henning”, while the pants say “pink, and you’re wearing suspenders with us”. Big Jim rocks the hell out of that brick wall too, so don’t you start static with him. I have no idea who Big Jim is, why my uncle has an autographed picture of him, or if this is a photo that the band carried around just to sign for fans. I don’t even know what band this was. I might even be related to Big Jim and not even know it.

So Mickey, if you remember who Big Jim was, let me know. I’d love to hear the story behind this picture.

In the meantime, Big Jim is my computer wallpaper.

Rock and Roll Is Here To Stay

Waaaaay back in the 80’s, there was something called “heavy metal music.” It was loud, shrieky, fast, occasionally sentimental, and, for some reason, people took it seriously. Grown men wearing spandex, makeup, and big hair would yell about partying and girls and crowds would react positively. In retrospect, they looked like many women do in the deep South. But they were huge, with all the drugs, and sex, and money they could ask for. Nowadays, bands like Cinderella, Ratt, the Scorpions, and Winger struggle to find a bar gig, but back in the days before alternative rock, these guys were the main show.

Which is why they got their own comic books.

Rock N’ Roll Comics were the products of Revolutionary Comics, a company who also put out unauthorized histories of baseball players and porn stars. The comics consisted of the history of the band up to that point, three full-page B&W pin-ups of the band member who died, and one or two short humor pieces, usually based around whatever big-haired, interchangeable band was featured that week. They were insanely positive of whoever they were featuring, setting up each awful metal band as the greatest thing to ever happen to music. Oh, there was a New Kids on the Block issue too.

But the one thing these all had in common? Amazingly bad art.

DEAR GOD LOOK AT STEVEN TYLER’S EYES

The art was on-par with the guy in your high school who’d turn in hand-drawn notebook sketches of Ozzy for art projects about the Impressionists. Saying it was amateur was a compliment. Despite this being a biographical comic, the artist that was hired (and uncredited, as far as the Comic Book Database can tell) just simply could not capture likenesses. It was just one more shovel of dirt onto the coffin of a comic that featured Guns N’ Roses every third issue.

I own some of these issues, I got them as a joke gift from a friend who found them for about 15 cents each and all of them are atrocious. Here are some highlights from my collection:

I hesitate in this public blog to use the word “mongoloid”, but damn, something is wrong with David Lee Roth’s eyes and that’s the closest thing I can use to describe it.

We won’t spend too much time on James Hetfield’s receding Klingon hairline and will instead focus on bassist Jason Newsted. What the hell was this artist on?

A comparison:

Jason’s turned into a hastily sketched “human” thing with uneven eyes and tiny forehead. If I saw this crawling out of a military lab, I’d order it shot then burned.

Say, like Bon Jovi?

Then you’d probably hate the unauthorized comic book starring this guy:

And that’s the COVER of this book. This is supposed to make people buy this comic. They’re supposed to recognize this guy. Try it for yourself. Copy and paste the picture into a word document and then show it to people in your office. See if they correctly guess who this is supposed to be in 10 tries or less.

But who can forget Motley Crue!?!

Obviously the artist could, since he drew people who look barely even human, let alone like Motley Crue. Also, breasts don’t work that way, butts definitely don’t work that way, and the girl on the lower right looks like she has fish ribs.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

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Camp Rock

Despite Mitchie’s (Demi Lovato) beautiful voice and musical aspirations, the only way she can attend the pricey rock camp she wants to go to is to help in the kitchen — a fact she goes to great lengths to hide. But when celebrity camp counselor Shane Gray (Joe Jonas of the teen pop band the Jonas Brothers) overhears her singing without ever seeing her face, he makes it his mission to find the girl whose voice has captured his heart.

OK, I honestly don’t have too much of a problem with this movie. It’s not aimed at me, it’s aimed at tween girls and sexually confused tween boys. It’s Disney, Disney films get a little bit of leeway from me, since they’re generally decent quality and, again, they’re not aimed at me. I’m not going to see it, it’s not my cup of tea, it’s aimed at a much younger audience.

HOWEVER, Netflix did recommend this to me, and then told me that based on my previous rental choices, I would give this film FOUR AND A HALF STARS.

Which blew my mind. Four and a half stars is a big commitment. Looking back on my previous rental history, I’ve rated quite a few movies four stars or higher, yet absolutely none of them fall into the categories that Camp Rock does. For instance, George Pal’s 7 Faces of Dr. Lao got 5 stars from me. So did 1776, Heroes Season 1, Batman Begins, Inherit the Wind, and Lenny. The closest approximation to a kid’s movie that I’ve given high ratings to was the second season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and that has bad language and things that spontaneously catch fire.

Like I said, Camp Rock’s not for me. But who is it for? 13 year olds! And if the peculiarity of Netflix’s recommendation doesn’t strike you as funny, here are a few actual reviews from viewers to brighten up your day. Keep in mind that about half of the reviews on the site (the ones I didn’t include) admit to not actually watching the movie, only looking forward to it because the Jonas Brothers are in it. And they all rated it 5 stars.

“Camp Rock is a great MOVIE! Me and my B.F.F. enjoyed every minute of it, I liked it a lot better than High School Musical #1 and #2! I give it 2 big thumps up. Demi Lovato has such a great voice and does a great job playing her part in the movie. I love this movie and everything in it but, I do think it’s a movie girls would enjoy it better than boys.”
- Big thumps up! Hellz yeah! And it’s great to know that this is a MOVIE! and not a BOOK! or a PAMPHLET! or a NICKELODEON! Glad to know this met with the approval of you and your B.F.F.

“I’m 11 years old and I’m not a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers…sure I like their music but I’m not one who will scream their head off and pay 200 dollars per ticket to get into their concert. Still I absolutely loved this movie! The music was great and the actors are very talented when it comes to singing…I wasnt mesmerized by their acting but Hey! no one is going to like a movie for just acting! The voices of the actors are enough for me! If you want a fun, chick flick kind of movie or even if you just want to relax and be able to sing along to the songs then absolutely get this movie!”
- This 11-year old either is lying about his/her age, or is a master of the English language. I wasn’t weaving sentences this good when I was 11, or actively using the word mesmerized, and I had a genius level IQ. good work, lad.

“Yes I am one of those girls who screams and pays 50 bucks for one the jonas brothers tickets, but it is a cute film from disney with good remodels for younger kids. It is very good i loved it!”
- If you are looking to remodel younger kids, this movie will have good recommendations for you.

“This movie is so great it’s great for all ages the jonas brothers where so good in this movie so was Demi Lovato and everyone eles. Having to dill with lieing in the movie it teachs you a lesson.”
- A tribute to special education!

“if you like to sing watch the movie! it’s awsome !I loved it it was like the best movie ever! to me I liked best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You have dishonored my clan! Killed my master! Now I will kill you with five-finger heart pierce dragon phoenix strike! A loser is you! Welcome to die!

“I Loved the movie it was awsome especially Joe Jonas in it sooooooooooo cute did you know he is a MAJOR CUTIE”
- According to the IMDB trivia page, there is no claim made to Joe Jonas being a MAJOR CUTIE. Apparently IMDB did not know this interesting fact. What makes this funnier is that the person who rated this had a profile picture of Spock, so it looked like Spock was commenting on Joe Jonas.

“Shane Gray(Joe Jonas From The Band The Jonas Brothers)bY accident runs Into A Bush RunnIng AwAY from Girls. When He Hears Mitchie(Demi Lovato)Singing. WiLL Shane Ever Find The Mysterious Girl”
- Sadly, this was probably the studio pitch for the movie.

Look for the School Necessities

It’s about a month away from “back to school” time (I’ll be in Disney World the week all the kiddies get back to school - NO LINES!!!!), and the nation’s friend Amazon.com has sent out a nice reminder email to all their fans about their back to school deals.

It’s chock fulla good stuff, like dorm furniture, Microsoft products, Kraft Mac & Cheese, toothbrushes and…

…ABBA Gold?

Since when is ABBA Gold a back to school necessity? Will my kid succeed now that we’ve bought her ABBA Gold? I don’t think that the super-Aryan Swedes will improve scholastic performance, and I challenge someone to present studies that say otherwise. ABBA Gold isn’t even the best college CD, They Might Be Giants “Flood” is. What are you trying to say, Amazon.scam? That our nation’s youth are best served by importing our pop music from overseas? For shame, Amazon.wrong. For shame.

Found on Ebay: The Seven Deadly Sins

Here’s a fun thing to do. Type in a random, vague concept kinda word into eBay and see what bizarre things come up. It works with so much, like “love” and “Jesus”. You can see what weird, weird things people are selling in the name of, well, whatever you decided to search for.

For this segment of this blog, we’re going to search for the SEVEN DEADLY SINS on eBay, and see what folks are selling!

PRIDE:

JUSTIN TUBB/DONNA FARGO ETC. LP TENNESSEE PRIDE MINT
Don’t be accepting any non-mint condition versions of this classic C&W album! Only accept the best condition albums that feature someone’s hot mom, a Dick Tracy villain with a facial tic, the hottest stack of hair in the South, and someone with a missing hand’s out-of-focus Olan Mills glamour shot! It’s the kind of line-up you usually see in an early 1970’s news broadcast, along with the commentary, “The slasher has already struck four times, killing one man and three women, shown here in these file photos.”

SLOTH

Sloth - Cactus Nerve Thang (CD)
Sloth is gonna rock the F*** out of you all! With their songs “Overcoat Sadness!” and “Reefer Christ!” You best prepare some ass surgery, because these guys are going to rock your ASSES OFF and you will need new ones. Judging by the CD cover, of course.

GREED

NEW Greed…
People. Listen to me. If you’re publishing a book, it’s a big venture. Your cover, sadly, is going to reflect on the quality of your book. This book, as judging by the cover, is bad. If you couldn’t even get a real artist who’s not your son’s dropout stoner friend to do the cover, then it’s time you thought of switching tactics, and getting a new publisher. Or just not publishing the book. The description does give a summary of the book, however, and it seems like a real page-turner, especially if you left money hidden in some of the pages:

Did you ever think that by giving your children everything they ever wanted you are doing them a favor in life? A man from small-town America built a very successful business over a lifetime. He firmly believed in sharing the wealth with his children. That was a huge mistake! He had no idea that the love he was giving to his son and daughter in law would only create two dastardly criminals. Instead of gaining his respect, his own flesh and blood abused his power and every good thing that his father did for him in life. His own son would go on to create a disastrous plan, with his wife, to not only destroy his fathers business, but embezzle everything that his parents had worked for, just to feel successful by his own standards.

Sounds like a fun tale that I will skip, as I get enough “dastardly” characters in my day job as a Canadian mountie.

ENVY

NEW Amber Brown Is Green With Envy
SKRULLS! SKRULLS! I FOUND ONE! SKRULLS!!!

I believe she has taken Amber Brown’s powers as well.

WRATH

Day of Wrath -Christopher Lambert - New DVD
Pretty much anytime you find Christopher Lambert on the cover of a DVD, it’s going to look funny. That’s because Christopher Lambert looks funny, and takes roles in movies that really have no purpose in existing. He generally stands there, with a confused look on his face, while some generic string of action words sit beneath him. It’s the Christopher Lambert way. It’s who he is. Druids needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Fortress 2 needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Some movies just scream out for Christopher Lambert’s odd, confused posturing. See also: Howie Long.

This one, incidentally, needed Christopher Lambert with and without hair for some reason. Some were released with the long hair, others without. Science doesn’t understand what this means.

LUST

1969 RUNAWAY SLAVE- ROBERT TRALINS/ STUDS,LUST & HATE
“Those are some nice clamdiggers. Yeah, it looks like they fit, but just turn around and let’s see how they fit in the back.”

GLUTTONY

aliens fat diet obesity gluttony health all fixed here

What. The. F***.
The picture is odd enough. Yeah, silly little plastic crappy aliens you keep in water. Expired in 1947, or some such nonsense. But the description (and accompanying photos of the little guys in brown water and, for some unrelated purpose, picture of a Chucky doll) has bent my mind into a pretzel. Insane people do sell things on eBay (apparently this seller also sells spa parts). Read for yourself.

Just…thank God I didn’t copy their spacing.

Big Apple Comic Con - The people that you meet when you’re walking down the street

OH! There were also celebrities! More than just sexy Barbara Streisand.

Doug Jones, from Hellboy I & II, Fantastic Four II, and the Halloween favorite Hocus Pocus was in attendence, with the longest line of the con.

Super nice guy, I got to talk to him about his work and can say nothing but good things. Jason Mewes, “Jay” from the Kevin Smith films was there too, but I didn’t say hi. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi and had to snap a paparazzi-style photo instead.

And the Village People cowboy! Can’t stop the music!

And Cyclops even did his awesome pop and lock routine!

The big guest of the day was Malcolm McDowell, star of A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek: Generations, Time After Time, and now appears on Heroes. He is a charming man, very gracious and subdued, and I wasn’t afraid to admit I’d dressed as Alex for Halloween when I was in high school. Picture was taken.