This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

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Camp Rock

Despite Mitchie’s (Demi Lovato) beautiful voice and musical aspirations, the only way she can attend the pricey rock camp she wants to go to is to help in the kitchen — a fact she goes to great lengths to hide. But when celebrity camp counselor Shane Gray (Joe Jonas of the teen pop band the Jonas Brothers) overhears her singing without ever seeing her face, he makes it his mission to find the girl whose voice has captured his heart.

OK, I honestly don’t have too much of a problem with this movie. It’s not aimed at me, it’s aimed at tween girls and sexually confused tween boys. It’s Disney, Disney films get a little bit of leeway from me, since they’re generally decent quality and, again, they’re not aimed at me. I’m not going to see it, it’s not my cup of tea, it’s aimed at a much younger audience.

HOWEVER, Netflix did recommend this to me, and then told me that based on my previous rental choices, I would give this film FOUR AND A HALF STARS.

Which blew my mind. Four and a half stars is a big commitment. Looking back on my previous rental history, I’ve rated quite a few movies four stars or higher, yet absolutely none of them fall into the categories that Camp Rock does. For instance, George Pal’s 7 Faces of Dr. Lao got 5 stars from me. So did 1776, Heroes Season 1, Batman Begins, Inherit the Wind, and Lenny. The closest approximation to a kid’s movie that I’ve given high ratings to was the second season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and that has bad language and things that spontaneously catch fire.

Like I said, Camp Rock’s not for me. But who is it for? 13 year olds! And if the peculiarity of Netflix’s recommendation doesn’t strike you as funny, here are a few actual reviews from viewers to brighten up your day. Keep in mind that about half of the reviews on the site (the ones I didn’t include) admit to not actually watching the movie, only looking forward to it because the Jonas Brothers are in it. And they all rated it 5 stars.

“Camp Rock is a great MOVIE! Me and my B.F.F. enjoyed every minute of it, I liked it a lot better than High School Musical #1 and #2! I give it 2 big thumps up. Demi Lovato has such a great voice and does a great job playing her part in the movie. I love this movie and everything in it but, I do think it’s a movie girls would enjoy it better than boys.”
- Big thumps up! Hellz yeah! And it’s great to know that this is a MOVIE! and not a BOOK! or a PAMPHLET! or a NICKELODEON! Glad to know this met with the approval of you and your B.F.F.

“I’m 11 years old and I’m not a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers…sure I like their music but I’m not one who will scream their head off and pay 200 dollars per ticket to get into their concert. Still I absolutely loved this movie! The music was great and the actors are very talented when it comes to singing…I wasnt mesmerized by their acting but Hey! no one is going to like a movie for just acting! The voices of the actors are enough for me! If you want a fun, chick flick kind of movie or even if you just want to relax and be able to sing along to the songs then absolutely get this movie!”
- This 11-year old either is lying about his/her age, or is a master of the English language. I wasn’t weaving sentences this good when I was 11, or actively using the word mesmerized, and I had a genius level IQ. good work, lad.

“Yes I am one of those girls who screams and pays 50 bucks for one the jonas brothers tickets, but it is a cute film from disney with good remodels for younger kids. It is very good i loved it!”
- If you are looking to remodel younger kids, this movie will have good recommendations for you.

“This movie is so great it’s great for all ages the jonas brothers where so good in this movie so was Demi Lovato and everyone eles. Having to dill with lieing in the movie it teachs you a lesson.”
- A tribute to special education!

“if you like to sing watch the movie! it’s awsome !I loved it it was like the best movie ever! to me I liked best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You have dishonored my clan! Killed my master! Now I will kill you with five-finger heart pierce dragon phoenix strike! A loser is you! Welcome to die!

“I Loved the movie it was awsome especially Joe Jonas in it sooooooooooo cute did you know he is a MAJOR CUTIE”
- According to the IMDB trivia page, there is no claim made to Joe Jonas being a MAJOR CUTIE. Apparently IMDB did not know this interesting fact. What makes this funnier is that the person who rated this had a profile picture of Spock, so it looked like Spock was commenting on Joe Jonas.

“Shane Gray(Joe Jonas From The Band The Jonas Brothers)bY accident runs Into A Bush RunnIng AwAY from Girls. When He Hears Mitchie(Demi Lovato)Singing. WiLL Shane Ever Find The Mysterious Girl”
- Sadly, this was probably the studio pitch for the movie.

Look for the School Necessities

It’s about a month away from “back to school” time (I’ll be in Disney World the week all the kiddies get back to school - NO LINES!!!!), and the nation’s friend Amazon.com has sent out a nice reminder email to all their fans about their back to school deals.

It’s chock fulla good stuff, like dorm furniture, Microsoft products, Kraft Mac & Cheese, toothbrushes and…

…ABBA Gold?

Since when is ABBA Gold a back to school necessity? Will my kid succeed now that we’ve bought her ABBA Gold? I don’t think that the super-Aryan Swedes will improve scholastic performance, and I challenge someone to present studies that say otherwise. ABBA Gold isn’t even the best college CD, They Might Be Giants “Flood” is. What are you trying to say, Amazon.scam? That our nation’s youth are best served by importing our pop music from overseas? For shame, Amazon.wrong. For shame.

Found on Ebay: The Seven Deadly Sins

Here’s a fun thing to do. Type in a random, vague concept kinda word into eBay and see what bizarre things come up. It works with so much, like “love” and “Jesus”. You can see what weird, weird things people are selling in the name of, well, whatever you decided to search for.

For this segment of this blog, we’re going to search for the SEVEN DEADLY SINS on eBay, and see what folks are selling!

PRIDE:

JUSTIN TUBB/DONNA FARGO ETC. LP TENNESSEE PRIDE MINT
Don’t be accepting any non-mint condition versions of this classic C&W album! Only accept the best condition albums that feature someone’s hot mom, a Dick Tracy villain with a facial tic, the hottest stack of hair in the South, and someone with a missing hand’s out-of-focus Olan Mills glamour shot! It’s the kind of line-up you usually see in an early 1970’s news broadcast, along with the commentary, “The slasher has already struck four times, killing one man and three women, shown here in these file photos.”

SLOTH

Sloth - Cactus Nerve Thang (CD)
Sloth is gonna rock the F*** out of you all! With their songs “Overcoat Sadness!” and “Reefer Christ!” You best prepare some ass surgery, because these guys are going to rock your ASSES OFF and you will need new ones. Judging by the CD cover, of course.

GREED

NEW Greed…
People. Listen to me. If you’re publishing a book, it’s a big venture. Your cover, sadly, is going to reflect on the quality of your book. This book, as judging by the cover, is bad. If you couldn’t even get a real artist who’s not your son’s dropout stoner friend to do the cover, then it’s time you thought of switching tactics, and getting a new publisher. Or just not publishing the book. The description does give a summary of the book, however, and it seems like a real page-turner, especially if you left money hidden in some of the pages:

Did you ever think that by giving your children everything they ever wanted you are doing them a favor in life? A man from small-town America built a very successful business over a lifetime. He firmly believed in sharing the wealth with his children. That was a huge mistake! He had no idea that the love he was giving to his son and daughter in law would only create two dastardly criminals. Instead of gaining his respect, his own flesh and blood abused his power and every good thing that his father did for him in life. His own son would go on to create a disastrous plan, with his wife, to not only destroy his fathers business, but embezzle everything that his parents had worked for, just to feel successful by his own standards.

Sounds like a fun tale that I will skip, as I get enough “dastardly” characters in my day job as a Canadian mountie.

ENVY

NEW Amber Brown Is Green With Envy
SKRULLS! SKRULLS! I FOUND ONE! SKRULLS!!!

I believe she has taken Amber Brown’s powers as well.

WRATH

Day of Wrath -Christopher Lambert - New DVD
Pretty much anytime you find Christopher Lambert on the cover of a DVD, it’s going to look funny. That’s because Christopher Lambert looks funny, and takes roles in movies that really have no purpose in existing. He generally stands there, with a confused look on his face, while some generic string of action words sit beneath him. It’s the Christopher Lambert way. It’s who he is. Druids needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Fortress 2 needed him, because it needed to be a Christopher Lambert movie. Some movies just scream out for Christopher Lambert’s odd, confused posturing. See also: Howie Long.

This one, incidentally, needed Christopher Lambert with and without hair for some reason. Some were released with the long hair, others without. Science doesn’t understand what this means.

LUST

1969 RUNAWAY SLAVE- ROBERT TRALINS/ STUDS,LUST & HATE
“Those are some nice clamdiggers. Yeah, it looks like they fit, but just turn around and let’s see how they fit in the back.”

GLUTTONY

aliens fat diet obesity gluttony health all fixed here

What. The. F***.
The picture is odd enough. Yeah, silly little plastic crappy aliens you keep in water. Expired in 1947, or some such nonsense. But the description (and accompanying photos of the little guys in brown water and, for some unrelated purpose, picture of a Chucky doll) has bent my mind into a pretzel. Insane people do sell things on eBay (apparently this seller also sells spa parts). Read for yourself.

Just…thank God I didn’t copy their spacing.

Big Apple Comic Con - The people that you meet when you’re walking down the street

OH! There were also celebrities! More than just sexy Barbara Streisand.

Doug Jones, from Hellboy I & II, Fantastic Four II, and the Halloween favorite Hocus Pocus was in attendence, with the longest line of the con.

Super nice guy, I got to talk to him about his work and can say nothing but good things. Jason Mewes, “Jay” from the Kevin Smith films was there too, but I didn’t say hi. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi and had to snap a paparazzi-style photo instead.

And the Village People cowboy! Can’t stop the music!

And Cyclops even did his awesome pop and lock routine!

The big guest of the day was Malcolm McDowell, star of A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek: Generations, Time After Time, and now appears on Heroes. He is a charming man, very gracious and subdued, and I wasn’t afraid to admit I’d dressed as Alex for Halloween when I was in high school. Picture was taken.

Not-so Golden Age Sandman

While looking around online for some Golden Age hero art, I did a google search for the term “Sandman.” I was interested in seeing the costume of the original 1940’s comic character Sandman, Wesley Dodds, who looks like this:

He is mad awesome. Simple costume, menacing, mysterious, I like it. Sandman Mystery Theater was one of the best comics ever, and if you haven’t started reading back issues or tracking down the few trades Vertigo’s put out, I would highly recommend it.

But anyway, while searching the images for “Sandman”, I stumbled across a press release for a rapper known as (surprise!) Sandman! He released his album “Face Value” and wrote up a press release for it himself. It also would appear that he put the CD cover together himself, using the best photoshopper he cound find that would work for a free copy of “Face Value” in lieu of payment:

So you don’t have to squint at the cover for too long, I’ll type out what he says on his “For Sale” sign:

For Sale

Easy to please

It’s a cute little cartoon yard sale sign, probably last seen on a Jeff Foxworthy album or T-shirt, accompanied by really horrible type and a picture of the rapper, apparently up to his shoulders in sand. Or just cropped at the shoulders and superimposed on top of the sand and the sign itself. I don’t know what’s more out of place, the sign or Sandman. If I took this CD at “Face Value,” I would assume that Sandman put this together on his computer while not actually having any knowledge of how his computer worked. Oh, and I think he’s wearing a Star Trek uniform, but I can’t be too sure. I’m not going to ask.

The real gem is the press release that he sent out to promote this CD. THIS IS THE REASON PEOPLE HIRE PROFESSIONAL PRESS AGENTS. I’ve said this before, when Chubby Checker sent his letter to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, asking “where is my more money and more fame?” A professional agent wouldn’t have let something like that even get to an editor, in fear that it would insult them. PEOPLE! If you are promoting yourself spend the extra bucks to do it right, otherwise you will come off looking very, very, very bad. Much like Sandman.

My style of rap is not hard it’s easy to understand every word I’m say’n. There are six sex song on the CD that mostly because that what I do most. I rap about what I know. I don’t talk hard about murdering somebody, going to jail, selling drugs,cause tha

The rest of the DVD talk about what I like, the people feature on the album, and my kids, and how we set around playing cards, and smok’n, and drink’n and who is the CEO of Lo-End, and what Ahh Dee Ahh means to us and how it got started

As you can see, Sandman is in need of a press agent, someone to translate what he’s “say’n” into something that people will respect. To be honest, I am not entirely sure the message he is getting across, but it seems to be positive in all respects and the reviews I’ve read of this album make it out to sound like a very good rap album, despite being 90% about sex. In the interests of scholarship, I am re-writing Sandman’s press release with my own added slant as a writer. Perhaps things will clear themselves up a little.

As can be noted, my style of rapping is quite succinct and every word understandable; ie, it is not difficult to listen to. I enjoy sex! As the scholars say, rap about what you know. This is why there are six entire songs devoted to my favorite hobby, sex. On this CD, “Face Value,” you will not find any songs about murder or jail or drugs. Why? Because!

The rest of the DVD is a profile of myself, my hobbies, and my interests. There are profiles as to the other people who perform on the album, my children, and how we all sit around drinking, smoking, playing cards, and determining who is the CEO of Lo-End Records. We also give insight into what the song “Ahh Dee Ahh” means to us, and how the song came about.

Let this be a lesson to all writers: what you do is important. Whether it be something as noble as ad writing or book writing, or something trivial and time-wasting like poetry, your writing skills can make a difference. When you need to get ideas across clearly, use your intellect and your experience to put forth an amazing product. It does make a difference, as you have seen with Sandman. Because sometimes, as “Remy”, who reviewed the Sandman CD on a website, says, “It was very good contents.”

Yes, Remy, it was/is/has.

The Great Whack Way

And I wish I was kidding.

A group of people actually put together a Last Starfighter musical. You know Last Starfighter, right? The movie from the 80’s where a guy gets so good at playing Space Invaders that he’s recruited to actually fight aliens in space? I understand most of you weren’t born in 1983, but this was an important film, a film so powerful that a 3-year old Ethan Kaye launched an entire bucket of popcorn into the air while watching it.

Oh, but those memories are for my therapist. This is all about the music. The music for the play based on the movie where a kid plays a video game. Supposedly, and this is from a friend who has seen it, it follows the plot of Last Starfighter fairly well. Sadly, the special effects are such that when the lead character is flying his spaceship, it’s really just an overturned picnic table. Theatergoers may ask themselves if this is symbolism for something, the critical among us just assume that a picnic table is cheaper than a larger set.

There are songs in this musical. That’s the funny thing about musicals, that they have songs. This one follows the classic formula of a show with a crazy plot but then giving the songs ultra-tame names, like “A Place Like This,” or “Love is Like Water.” This is standard in musicals. As much as you’d like the cast of Pippin to break into a song like “I Want to Kill the Last Buffalo on Earth and then Praise the Horned God,” they’re still going to sing stuff like “Corner of the Sky.” Point is, musicals don’t often go out on limbs for song titles, and Last Stargfighter is no exception.

Oh, but it does have a tune called “Zandozan!” I didn’t add the exclamation point for emphasis, that’s in the actual title.

I can’t necessarily make fun of this musical, since I haven’t seen it, although according to my friend Mike, it’s remarkably bad. Still, if someone tells you, “Hey, we’re going to see a musical based on The Last Starfighter,” you’re not going into it expecting Beckett.

Yes, drama club kids. This is what you have in store if you move to New York City after high school.

But wait, I can’t leave you hanging, dear readers! You want to listen to this masterpiece for yourselves! Well, if you don’t want to go as far as buying the soundtrack (which exists), you can listen to a few cuts here, including severely nasal arias and a song about a trailer park. You’re welcome, America.

Japan, music of the future

The Gamera movies are a staple of Japanese cinema. This giant turtle kicked a lot of monster ass in his time and befriended many children. He is also full of turtle meat. He also flies and shoots fire out of his mouth and sparks out of his legs. He is a turtle that prefers to walk on his hind legs. And he has a bizarre theme song, sung by schoolchildren (at least in Gamera vs. Guiron). I’ve heard that Japan is the country of the future, so I hope you like this music, folks, because this is what we’re destined to listen to for years to come.

What follows is the actual translation of the Gamera theme song.

LYRICS and TRANSLATIONS for GAMERA’S THEME SONGS
Lyrics by Hideo Nakata; music by Kenjiro Hirose.
Sung by Daiei-Jidoh-Gasshodan (Daiei Children’s Chorus).

Title: GAMERA MARCH

Gamera, Gamera
So cool, Gamera! So cool, Gamera! So cool, Gamera!
Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday
Shadow the Sun, Evil’s Rainbow
Frozen monster, Dare to march!
Jumped, Flew. Go! Go! Go!
Destroy with Jet Flame. Here goes Gamera!
So cool, Gamera! So cool, Gamera! So cool, Gamera!

Gamera Gamera
So strong, Gamera! So strong, Gamera! So strong, Gamera!
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday
Mars, Venus, any other Stars
Come Monsters from the Universe!
Stabbed, Shoved. Go! Go! Go!
Tackled with circling jet
So strong, Gamera! So strong, Gamera! So strong, Gamera!

What can we learn from this song?
- Gamera does not work on Saturdays
- Japanese kids’ songs can get away with using the word “stabbed”
- Mars and Venus are considered stars
- Gamera is both strong and cool but still needs encouragement to hold out
- Gamera is welcome anytime
- The Japanese take coolness cues from giant turtles that shoot fire
- Shadow the Sun is a really deep statement
- “Evil’s Rainbow” actually comes from a Gamera movie where the monster shot a deadly rainbow out of its back
- The Japanese are f—ing insane

Wrestling + Music = Only Shame

Hulk Hogan is, without a doubt, the best actor in the world to ever play a good wrestler, a bad wrestler, a space traveling mercenary who lives with Christopher Lloyd, and a bodyguard who has to watch Austin Pendleton’s kids. And while I’ve just described the concepts behind to Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, and wrestling in general, I dare any of you to disagree with me.

Of course, on the road to greatness there are often challenges you must overcome, times where you must choose to soldier on to the glorious end of the battle, or sputter to a dying halt and wither up into a crispy, sun-dried corpse on the side of the highway. Hulk Hogan was on this road, this golden road to super stardom in 1992, and like the true American hero he is, when he came to these hurdles he did not wither up and die.

Granted, he didn’t soldier on either, he just made a rap album and bypassed both options.

Yup, the Hulkster and some of his friends recorded an album. It was called Hulk Rules and Hogan recorded it with “The Wrestling Boot Band,” a catchy name that implies that they all wore wrestling boots, or all played at a bar called “The Wrestling Boot.” The album contained a few noteworthy songs, about 60% of which had the word “Hulk” somewhere in the title. Statistics show that about 99.99999999999% of all hit songs do not include the word “Hulk” in the title, the only major exception being the “Theme From the Incredible Hulk” TV show, which, to be fair, had a boost by not being recorded by The Wrestling Boot Band.

Smack dab at number 7 in this train wreck of an album of rap/rock/wrestling/being Hulk Hogan/tearing thin shirts is a little ditty called “Beach Patrol.” I’m sure I could talk all night about the joys of the album, but Beach Patrol is the real gold belt with the 2-D globe on it, fitting in very awkwardly amongst such old standards like “Hulk’s Back,” “Hulk Rules,” and “Hulk’s the One.”

In the sake of scholarship, let’s look at the lyrics, presumably written by someone who has been kicked in the head a lot in the ring.

I was walkin’ down the beach lookin’ for some action
Had my radio set on a rap rap station
Saw a girl in trouble, a sticky situation
She wanted me to give her mouth-to-mouth recesitation

(chorus)
We are the Beach Patrol
We want to party, party, party
We are the Beach Patrol
We want to party, party, party

We were cruisin’ down the beach checkin’ out the action
Had my radio rockin’ to a heavy metal station
Puttin’ on some shades, tryin’ to catch some rays
When I caught the lifeguard messin’ with my babe

(the chorus returns to mock us, then a strange woman comes on, who we are meant to assume is part of the Beach Patrol)

Whoop there it is, whoop there it is
You better watch out here comes my boyfriend
Pump it up, pump it up, pump up the bass

(Hulk returns to the mic)

Whoop there it is, check it out, check it in
You’ll be six feet deep if you touch my girlfriend
You know this homeboy can lose control
You just don’t mess with the Beach Patrol

(here the chorus returns, yet is still not welcomed)

When you’re hangin’ at the beach you can see so much
Look all you want but you better not touch
Take it from me, don’t lose control
‘Cause you’re gonna have to deal with the Beach Patrol

(the chorus leads us out to the fellowship hall for punch and cookies, where we shake our heads and cry)

Oh, one more thing, for the effect of it all, imagine that the chorus is sung by a man in a high-pitched nasal voice, which is about as welcome as a turnbuckle to the crotch. In fact, given that the high-pitched singer is wrestler Jimmy Hart, that’s probably why he sings that way.

I really don’t get why this song was written. Who suggested to Hulk Hogan that his album of wrestling songs would really connect to the kids if he had a G-rated song about defending your wimmenfolk at the beach? Who suggested that “whoop there it is” was a the hook Beach Patrol needed? When did it become ok for Hulk Hogan to call himself “homeboy?” And was Hulk listening to a heavy metal station or a rap rap station? So many questions!

Plus there’s a situation in the lyrics that must be addressed: the Hulkster’s infidelity. As evidenced, he has a girlfriend. The lifeguard should stay the hell away from her, or Mr. Hogan will lose control and place the fellow six feet deep. Now, this is all well and good, since I’m pretty sure that was also the theme to Pink Floyd’s first three albums, but in then first verse he’s eager to give “mouth to mouth” to a girl in trouble. And if I know my gangsta rap, “mouth to mouth” means “makin’ out.”

So where do you stand, Mr. Hulk? You and your Beach Patrol look for girls in need of kisses, but threaten violence against those who would do the same against your girlfriend? Where is your SHAME, sir? Think of the women you’re kissing, and then think about their boyfriends. What if their boyfriends have their own Beach Patrol going? You’ll be ruining relationships right and left, sir, and that’s not what the WWE stands for.

Also, there is no indication as to how walking down a beach equates to “party, party, party.” The last time I walked down the beach I didn’t think I was partying. Please write me at ethankayetsingsthehits@gmail.com if you think otherwise.

If you’d like to check out how God awful this track is, you can link to it here:
http://www.i-mockery.com/bad-albums/hogan/hogan2.mp3

But be warned. Even by the end, you will not have any idea why this song exists.

Promise.

Ethan Kaye invented three new types of blasphemy this evening over dinner.