Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
99
A college playboy needs just one more conquest to win a bet that he could sleep with 100 women before he graduates — but sealing the deal could be difficult with only hours to go and 99 babes roaming campus looking for revenge. Meanwhile, a classmate and recreational drug enthusiast risks forfeiting his inheritance unless he can steal back his tainted urine sample. Jereme Badger and Bobby Campo star in this comic romp from director Pete Guzzo.
Yes, this movie’s called “99″. And yes it has two conflicting plots about racing against time for you to focus on. And yes, it got less than 2 stars out of a possible 5. Happily, aside from student films and shorts, this is the highest rated of Pete Guzzo’s films on IMDB.com.
Neither plot is particularly intriguing, with the second one particularly sucking. I have always hated “race against time” movies and the race to deliver clean urine…well, that’s not getting my time. According to the IMDB plot synopsis, the “inheritance” is a bar. I don’t see a conflict of interest here, as many bartenders (and especially owners) couldn’t pass a drug test even if they replaced their plasma with Evian. But that’s our conflict, ladies and gents, and we’re stuck with it.
The person who left him the bar must not have known him very well, which begs the question: “WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE?” The only times when people do retarded things like this is in movies. “I’ll give you all this money, but only if you…” There has to be a legal precedent where the lawyer just says, “You know what? Screw what the old bat wants. He’s dead and in an urn. Take what you want. You don’t have to do something dumb like finish college in 30 days or eat chicken every day for a year. Just take this sack of dough.”
The first plot is a smidge better, but watching an obviously uncaring, slutty womanizer get chased around campus by 99 women he seduced and abandoned is just sexist, mysogynistic, and boring. I’d be more apt to watch 10 minutes of that and then 50 minutes of him being tortured to death while listening to L7. And although I haven’t seen this film, I predict there’s at least one scene where he gets slapped by a girl. If it were an 80’s film, I’d also expect the main character to get hit in the crotch and have his eyes go crossed.
So I guess here’s the conflict. If the school is so small that a gang of 100 people can’t find one dude (and let’s face it, there’s always a place to hide on a college campus), he can’t seduce and potentially emotionally scar another college girl. We’re expected to side with this guy. “But…but…if he’s forced to hide, then he can’t keep doing the awful stuff he was doing before! And he loses a bet!”
My advice? You just had sex with 99 women over the course of 4 years. Unless you have the opportunity to win a solid gold unicorn that farts South Park DVDs while singing lost Beatles songs, forget the bet. You’ve already won.
We’re back with more synopses of movies you might want to pick up and movies you quite possibly want to stay away from, like a mangy dog with VD.
Spike Jones: The Legend (1951) – If you don’t know Spike Jones, you should. The man was a force of nature in the 40’s and 50’s, with his band of City Slickers and bizarre renditions of popular songs. A lot of what he did is still being imitated, often unconsciously. Most of the DVD is guest appearances on popular programs, which does involve some repeats here and there, but the material is dynamite all the time. I just got his bio for Hanukkah, so that’s on my reading list.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – You know, those Michael Myers “Halloween” movies are great, but there’s just so much more you can do with the holiday of Halloween. Thankfully, Halloween III has diddly to do with the plot of the first two movies and instead tells the tale of an evil toy company stealing Stonehenge and using its energy to create masks that turn your face into snakes and bugs. This indeed made it to theaters, and people indeed paid money for this. Special effects are flat out retarded, the characters make the wrong decisions almost always, and no one bothered to think that Stonehenge had to do with ley lines, not just a bunch of old rocks standing in a circle.
Jack-O (1995) – I only wish this was a bigger cult film than it is. The movie is a disaster from start to finish, think “The Room” but with a semi-murderous pumpkin-headed monster. Virtually no one in this film is an actor but that’s ok, as a real actor would probably object to the incredibly bland dialogue and storyline. Plot holes, logic holes, and even casting holes abound. “Casting holes?” you say? Yup. John Carradine died in the 80’s. The producer of Jack-o bought a couple seconds of film of John looking grim in a cloak and reciting some vague goth nonsense, then edited the film around that so John Carradine is “in” the movie as an evil wizard. Say nothing of the fact that every time you see his face the film stock changes and every time some cast member has to interact with him he’s always shot from the back, wearing a hooded cloak to hide the fact that HE’S AN EXTRA WITH NO LINES.
The Chronological Donald: Vol. 1 (1934) – After coming back from Disney World I was on a Disney high that has lasted until the present. Naturally I wanted more more more, so this chronological presentation of Donald Duck cartoons was perfect. It’s hosted by Leonard Maltin, whose main role was to come on in-between cartoons and say things like, “Now, back in the 1940’s it was common to see black people portrayed like this, and no offense was meant at all,” and “In this cartoon you’ll see Donald put a gun to his head and pray for death, but that’s no indication that viewers should follow his example.” Donald also smokes cigarettes, tries to win a pipe from a claw machine game, and uses the line “I might as well be in a concentration camp” when protesting against doing work. The cartoons are still awesome, despite Maltin’s warning labels.
The Man in the Glass Booth (1975) – Again, part of my Nazi-hunter movie phase. Maximillian Schell is a Jewish man arrested as an escaped Nazi, then takes pleasure in becoming this new evil character. It’s a little over the top in places (every time Schell speaks), but it was a good film to watch one Saturday morning when I felt like curling up on the couch with my cat and watching movies about Nazi atrocities.
Thinking XXX (2004) – After reading the Legs McNeill book “The Other Hollywood” I started finding more information about the history of the porn world. “Thinking XXX” is candid conversations with porn stars on the set of a photo shoot for a coffee table book. It’s a lot of casual nudity, so keep the kids away from this one.
Roadie (1980) – Meatloaf! In his first big screen role! The screen can barely hold his face! It’s huge! And it keeps looking at the camera! This was part of the Monster Society of Evil’s “Too Many Musicians” night, because aside from Meatloaf, it stars Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Hank Williams Jr, Blondie, and Don Cornelius. It’s not entertaining as a movie, but verbally berating the characters on the screen (”WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ROY ORBISON???”) makes up for the various offenses committed by this film. Do NOT watch this alone, as you will probably lose IQ points.
The Tick Vs. Season 1 (1994) – If you’re linking to this blog through Wizard, there’s no need to tell you how good this cartoon was. If you didn’t, this cartoon was very smart and funny, and followed the comic series very, very closely.
Dear Santa (1998) – If there is a God, he was looking the other way when they filmed this. It’s a VERY lame retelling of The Santa Clause as done by actors who might have been dynamite in their community theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun,” but are a mess here. Lines are read so deliberately that you expect a chorus line to form behind the actors. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and the actors have a very hard time not looking at the camera in every shot. If I filmed myself shouting obscenities while peeing on a tree, it would be a better holiday film than this.
I haven’t made a big deal out of this whole “now it’s 2009″ thing, but in all honesty, I haven’t been thinking much about it. I’m mostly interested in my work, my writing, upcoming conventions, and obsessively collecting more items for the Mad Hatter collection (new page of Mark Buckingham Hatter art from Shadow of the Bat #79 is on it’s way, and I’m waiting to get four Batman vs Hatter trading cards from 1966 matted properly). But in the spirit of saying goodbye to 2008, I’d like to share with you something very personal. Something that I generally keep very secret and only share with close, close friends.
My Netflix rental history for 2008.
It’s a recap of the stuff that I enjoyed, with my hilarious mini-review following it. Why hilarious? Because the majority of the stuff I rented was absolutely awful. Like, I searched out films that had less than 2 stars. And this is what my life is.
Exploring the Da Vinci Code (2005) – Henry Lincoln was one of the great names in Holy Grail scholarship, and the theories he presented in “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” became the basis for The Da Vinci Code. That being said, you’d think he’d be more excited in hosting this DVD. The Da Vinci Code movie isn’t mentioned, Da Vinci is not mentioned, and Lincoln more or less travels around France pointing out some strange things that point to some sort of conspiracy or hidden knowledge. No conclusions are made. It’s kinda cool, but he keeps mentioning that none of these clues actually mean anything. Weird.
The Hot Rock (1972) – Uh…heist film starring Robert Redford and Zero Mostel. I listed it when I was going through a Zero Mostel phase, ended up not watching this film.
The Pink Chiquitas (1987) – Frank Stallone. A movie about nymphomaniac aliens. Mostly Frank Stallone. Sly’s less-talented brother swaggers through numerous scenes where he’s a badass and everyone falls for him. It wasn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen, but definitely the worst about nymphomaniac aliens (mostly due to Frank Stallone’s presence). Not sure who thought green-lighting this movie was a good idea, but hopefully they have been stopped by now.
Trekkies 2 – (2004) – The first Trekkies movie was fun. You got to laugh at the fun folks who thought they were aliens and that they went to some space academy. If this were the 1700’s, they would have ended up in a mental hospital, but now they’re dentists and lawyers and stuff. This sequel meets some new friends, and catches up with some old ones, most importantly the kid who was interviewed for the first one and ended up screaming at his friend through the phone when he interrupted the interview. He and his dad film fan episodes of Star Trek in their garage. Both are married to actual women.
Black Adder: Series 1 – I’m going to list all the Black Adders under one heading, since I watched them all at once. A very funny show, but after three discs or so, I lost interested and had to rent something else. That something was…
Can’t Stop the Music (1980) – Yes, the Village People movie. People always remember it as being the Village People movie, but they forget that it also stars Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine (topless scene!), and Bruce Jenner before he got his faced removed by plastic surgery. Remarkably, Steve Guttenberg’s acting is truly the gayest thing in this movie that stars the Village People. It gets way disturbing way fast. The film is more or less The Muppet Movie with flamboyantly dressed dancer/singers. Oddly enough, the leather motorcycle enthusiast’s rendition of “Danny Boy” is the highlight of an otherwise awful film.
Chariots of the Gods (1972) – I got this for Katie, thinking that it was a version of the film about ancient astronauts landing on Earth that I saw as a child. I was big into that stuff when I was little (and now, when I’m bigger), so a film narrated by alien hunter Erich von Daniken himself was a big deal for little 10-year old Ethan. This one isn’t that version. It’s more than a little drawn out and doesn’t keep your attention. I still believe, but I don’t think Katie does.
Putney Swope (1969) – A film by Robert Downey Sr. about the advertising industry. The only black member of an ad firm gets promoted to head of the company and he goes about reinventing the ad industry. I figured that since I was a member of the ad world, I should see this. It’s not awful, but many scenes don’t seem to have any point and they tend to add up by the end. Some of the ad parodies are funny, but the scenes with Putney himself (an actor who was so drunk on set that all his lines were dubbed in by Downey) don’t always make sense. Especially every scene with the midget/little person at the president of the US. It doesn’t even make sense if you see the movie.
Student Bodies (1981) – I rented this as part of a Richard Belzer double feature with the absolutely terrible waste of film, “The Wrong Guys,” which I sadly own and didn’t have to rent. It’s an early spoof of the teen slasher genre, which in itself isn’t bad, but the film just isn’t that funny. Belzer is the killer. Ooop, there I go, I ruined the ending for you. Now you don’t have to rent it to find out!
24 Hour Party People (2002) – A look at the history of the Manchester music scene, with Joy Division and the Happy Mondays as the focus. It’s told through the eyes of music manager Tony Wilson, played by a not-surprisingly good Steve Coogan. I love the whole music bio thing, and this was the only movie I netflixed in 2008 that I strongly considered buying for my home collection. The box cover, sadly, makes it look like it’s about rave culture, which is more or less ignoring most of what this movie’s about. Almost every British actor makes a cameo in this film.
Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006) – FAIL. Movie fail. Vampires vs werewolves on the streets of NYC, although about 95% of the scenes are filmed inside buildings that are unfurnished. I imagine that the producers knew a real estate broker who could get them into an unleased building for a few days of shooting. NONE of the scenes are furnished, which sorta make sense when you’re dealing with the werewolves who are squatting in an unfinished apartment, but becomes a joke when you’re dealing with the vampires who are supposed to be very rich but don’t have a couch or dining room table. The interesting part is that this is a more-than-decent commentary on black culture (rich vs poor), but the idea of making it about vampires and werewolves FAILS, especially in the make-up department (there is none for either group). Would have worked as a conceptual stage show though.
Vampiyaz (2004) – This is the spiritual prequel to Bloodz vs Wolvez, made by the same cast and crew and using, once again, unfurnished buildings for all their scenes. The plot’s eh, a guy gets out of jail (a penitentiary that is obviously used now as a historical landmark and not a real prison anymore), finds his friend’s a vampire, then ends up killing him. He also falls in love with a girl in a wheelchair who ends up getting blown up. Nothing in this film works, the acting, the script, the dialogue, the plot, the special effects. Just a mess. Avoid, even if you like bad movies because it’s hard to make fun of.
Spaced: The Compete Series (1999) – Also known as “the series about geek culture that stars the guys from Sean of the Dead.” That’s it in a nutshell. Friends get a flat together, they have fun with their odd friends. Lots and lots of geek references, which makes it a geek hit. I liked it.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) – And surprise, neither was Blair Witch 2! Both wastes of film, money, and time, although American Psycho 2 would have worked better if it hadn’t been connected to the first film or the book at all.
Marathon Man (1976) – Dustin Hoffman classic that I obviously rented during my “reading books about Nazi hunting” phase. Laurence Olivier is an escaped Nazi who totally messes up Dustin Hoffman, who decides to get revenge. So 70’s, you can smell the stale cigarette smoke.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week? Well, we have a few of them.
Sunday School Musical
When financial woes threaten their church’s future, a group of teens, led by one talented performer, enters a song and dance competition in hopes of winning a heavenly cash prize. Starring Candise Lakota as Savannah, this heartwarming and energetic Christian spin on the tremendously popular High School Musical franchise features 21 songs, including seven originals by composer Don Raymond. Rachel Goldenberg directs.
Financial woes. The old song and dance (ha ha ha) that has been known to organize kids into starting musicals. By doing a little bit of research (ie, looking for another synopsis), it looks like the church is going to be torn down. That’s right, a church is a little arrears on the rent, and the whole thing is going to be gone. That, to me, is next to impossible. If a greedy developer was trying to take over the land, the odds are that there would be huge legal battles involved with evicting and then demolishing a church. If they owe back rent, then the most expensive thing to do would be to tear it down – demolition costs cash, which is why you see churches for sale these days. And how dire is the financial situation if it can be solved by entering a talent show? The choices are come up with the money you win in a talent show OR LOSE EVERYTHING. Doesn’t add up.
Plus, if the church was important enough to save it should have enough support from the community/diocese/historic preservation to stay afloat. Otherwise the church folds but the congregation moves on to other things. Like a smaller, more affordable space. The church is people, not brick and mortar, it will survive wherever people take it. So this really is about kids who don’t want to lose a building that no one else is fighting for. What a great movie! No wonder this religious knock-off of a popular franchise only got 2 stars from Netflix, less than Curse of Alcatraz!
Half a Person
When Mark (Michael Majeski), a young gay man, and his straight best friend, Alex (Nigel Smith), leave their hometown for the big city, Mark exposes a self-destructive streak, while Alex must confront a painful secret from his past. But as they reveal more of their true selves, their hidden feelings for each other drive them to a decision that changes their lives forever. Adam Santangelo directs this sensitive coming-of-age drama.
Not much to say, other than I finally decoded the Netflix website. If a movie is called a “coming-of-age” anything, it’s really code for “and then I figured out I was gay.” Next movie.
Fiesta Grand
When Monica dumps her overbearing boyfriend, Rueben, and becomes engaged to sweet but poor James, her parents disapprove and scheme with Rueben to sabotage the engagement. Meanwhile, James’s pals are planning to throw a wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. Can James and Monica navigate interfering relatives and well-meaning friends and actually make it to the altar? Josué Gutierrez and Lyanna Tumaneng star in this comedy.
Wow. A wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. That sure makes for a fun twist. Wow. Can’t wait to see this, it looks stellar. Really breaks new ground.
Now imagine how different that paragraph would have sounded if I used exclamation points instead of periods. Now realize why I didn’t. It’s the problem of too many subplots. Why mention the bachelor party? How is this different than so many other awful wedding movies? And why did the one reviewer on the site give it 4 out of 5 stars and say it was “must see?” My guess is they were cast or crew, since Netflix gives it less than 2 stars.
Birds of America
With only his daffy neighbor (Hilary Swank) offering a diversion from his daily grind, Morrie (Matthew Perry) feels stifled by his suburban life and career. But circumstances change when he’s forced to reconcile with his younger brother and sister (Ben Foster and Ginnifer Goodwin). They resented him as a surrogate father when they were growing up, but now, their freewheeling ways just may be Morrie’s salvation. Daniel Eric Gold co-stars.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Rape is a Circle
Part sexploitation flick, part drama, part low-budget thriller, this film explores the theory that cruelty creates ripples leading to further cruelty. Two young women hitch a ride, unaware that the driver who picks them up is a dangerous brute. Despite their desperate attempts to escape, he overpowers them and subjects them to unspeakable perversions. As the humiliations continue, the friendship between the two women becomes irreversibly damaged.
Really, the only reason I posted this was because I laughed pretty hard the first two or three times I read the last sentence of this description.
Also, from the customer reviews, it turns out the driver is a woman and the “he overpowers them” is a typo.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Silent Mobius
As Tokyo faces an onslaught by Lucifer Hawk, a demon determined to wipe out mankind, Officer Katsumi recalls what led her to join the Attacked Mystification Police, an elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet. A postapocalyptic cyberpunk adventure that blends elements of action, science fiction and horror, this anime film features stunningly detailed visuals.
Dear Japan,
Please, please stop. Stop with your little girl heroes, your obsession with police and detectives, and your desire to see Tokyo destroyed by demons or robots or whatever crap your self-loathing creative team comes up with this week. Stop. You, as a people and a country, are better than this.
For instance, there was a time when people associated Japanese cinema with the master Akira Kurasowa (we share a birthday, by the way). Seven Samurai was considered the best foreign film ever made at one point. People fawned over you guys. Now, where’s the love? One-third of the films you produce involve some sort of elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet, one-third are overly-bloody gangster films, and the final third are horror movies. How did you fall so far?
The part that gets me is obsessions. You constantly depict Tokyo being destroyed by something, in this case a “demon”. When Americans did that in Independence Day, people were shocked. It was a big deal. Sure, you get some property damage in American action films, but usually it’s fairly limited in scope – think Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. But you Japanese just love seeing Godzilla or Mothra or whomever beat the crud out of your capital city, killing your populace, film after film. Why?
And the cop thing. There used to be a rule that every anime had to have a fat cop as a comedic device. Now if there isn’t a fat cop, there’s a competent cop as the main character. Or detective. Or bounty hunter. Some sort of law enforcement. American films have cops in them too, but half the time they’re corrupt and the other half of the time they’re forced to play outside of the rules (again, think Die Hard). In fact, American films like seeing average Joes take on the bad guys instead of cops. So why do you insist on shoe-horning the police into all your movies?
I’m not even going to go into the tentacle thing. You guys have lived on an island, surviving off squid for too long.
In short, stop. Please stop this downward, yet circular trend you’ve fallen into. Stop the futuristic techno-crap. Stop with your post-apocalyptic obsessions and screaming desire to be ravaged by demons or robots or monsters. Stop naming your characters the Attacked Mystification Police, that’s just stupid. You need a 5-year moratorium on film/animation and you need to spend that time thinking about what you’ve produced as a nation for the last 20 years and how you’re going to make up for that.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
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Camp Rock
Despite Mitchie’s (Demi Lovato) beautiful voice and musical aspirations, the only way she can attend the pricey rock camp she wants to go to is to help in the kitchen — a fact she goes to great lengths to hide. But when celebrity camp counselor Shane Gray (Joe Jonas of the teen pop band the Jonas Brothers) overhears her singing without ever seeing her face, he makes it his mission to find the girl whose voice has captured his heart.
OK, I honestly don’t have too much of a problem with this movie. It’s not aimed at me, it’s aimed at tween girls and sexually confused tween boys. It’s Disney, Disney films get a little bit of leeway from me, since they’re generally decent quality and, again, they’re not aimed at me. I’m not going to see it, it’s not my cup of tea, it’s aimed at a much younger audience.
HOWEVER, Netflix did recommend this to me, and then told me that based on my previous rental choices, I would give this film FOUR AND A HALF STARS.
Which blew my mind. Four and a half stars is a big commitment. Looking back on my previous rental history, I’ve rated quite a few movies four stars or higher, yet absolutely none of them fall into the categories that Camp Rock does. For instance, George Pal’s 7 Faces of Dr. Lao got 5 stars from me. So did 1776, Heroes Season 1, Batman Begins, Inherit the Wind, and Lenny. The closest approximation to a kid’s movie that I’ve given high ratings to was the second season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and that has bad language and things that spontaneously catch fire.
Like I said, Camp Rock’s not for me. But who is it for? 13 year olds! And if the peculiarity of Netflix’s recommendation doesn’t strike you as funny, here are a few actual reviews from viewers to brighten up your day. Keep in mind that about half of the reviews on the site (the ones I didn’t include) admit to not actually watching the movie, only looking forward to it because the Jonas Brothers are in it. And they all rated it 5 stars.
“Camp Rock is a great MOVIE! Me and my B.F.F. enjoyed every minute of it, I liked it a lot better than High School Musical #1 and #2! I give it 2 big thumps up. Demi Lovato has such a great voice and does a great job playing her part in the movie. I love this movie and everything in it but, I do think it’s a movie girls would enjoy it better than boys.”
- Big thumps up! Hellz yeah! And it’s great to know that this is a MOVIE! and not a BOOK! or a PAMPHLET! or a NICKELODEON! Glad to know this met with the approval of you and your B.F.F.
“I’m 11 years old and I’m not a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers…sure I like their music but I’m not one who will scream their head off and pay 200 dollars per ticket to get into their concert. Still I absolutely loved this movie! The music was great and the actors are very talented when it comes to singing…I wasnt mesmerized by their acting but Hey! no one is going to like a movie for just acting! The voices of the actors are enough for me! If you want a fun, chick flick kind of movie or even if you just want to relax and be able to sing along to the songs then absolutely get this movie!”
- This 11-year old either is lying about his/her age, or is a master of the English language. I wasn’t weaving sentences this good when I was 11, or actively using the word mesmerized, and I had a genius level IQ. good work, lad.
“Yes I am one of those girls who screams and pays 50 bucks for one the jonas brothers tickets, but it is a cute film from disney with good remodels for younger kids. It is very good i loved it!”
- If you are looking to remodel younger kids, this movie will have good recommendations for you.
“This movie is so great it’s great for all ages the jonas brothers where so good in this movie so was Demi Lovato and everyone eles. Having to dill with lieing in the movie it teachs you a lesson.”
- A tribute to special education!
“if you like to sing watch the movie! it’s awsome !I loved it it was like the best movie ever! to me I liked best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You have dishonored my clan! Killed my master! Now I will kill you with five-finger heart pierce dragon phoenix strike! A loser is you! Welcome to die!
“I Loved the movie it was awsome especially Joe Jonas in it sooooooooooo cute did you know he is a MAJOR CUTIE”
- According to the IMDB trivia page, there is no claim made to Joe Jonas being a MAJOR CUTIE. Apparently IMDB did not know this interesting fact. What makes this funnier is that the person who rated this had a profile picture of Spock, so it looked like Spock was commenting on Joe Jonas.
“Shane Gray(Joe Jonas From The Band The Jonas Brothers)bY accident runs Into A Bush RunnIng AwAY from Girls. When He Hears Mitchie(Demi Lovato)Singing. WiLL Shane Ever Find The Mysterious Girl”
- Sadly, this was probably the studio pitch for the movie.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Superbadazz
In an effort to up their cash flow, desperate friends Rodney and Leon open an illegal strip club in Rodney’s parents’ basement. But the boys’ business venture gets off to a shaky start when the girls they hire turn out to be less than perfect. Of course, the fact that Rodney’s parents have no idea that their home is doubling as a house of ill repute only adds to the shenanigans. Shaun May, Randy Clark and Michael Harris co-star.
That’s…not a bad plot. I’m man enough to admit, that’s not a bad plot for a movie. I dislike the use of the word “shenanigans,” but a secret strip club in a basement doesn’t seem to be tremendously awful.
However, the trailer for “Superbadazz” (not to be confused with “Superbad”, a movie that got a theatrical release) is available on the ol’ internets. I give it to you here:
Or here, if your browser doesn’t pop a youtube window up.
From the trailer, it looks less like a strip club and more like, well, sex slavery. If someone invited me to this club I would assume that I would:
a) have my skin end up as someone’s coat
b) get to kill one of the girls as a souvenir
c) be roped into dog fighting
d) contract three different staph infections
e) encounter a foster kid in a cage
The “less than perfect” girls are supposed to be the big laugh attraction, but come off as rather mean-spirited. One’s blind. One’s deaf. One has to talk with a voicebox because she has a hole in her throat. I didn’t laugh at them, I just felt bad. And this was just from the trailer, I haven’t seen the film. And if there is a God, I never will.
But hey, thumbs on the idea of having an unlicensed, illegal strip club full of desperate handicapped people in your filthy basement. That’s comedy gold.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Poison Sweethearts
Pushed to the limit by their abusers, six young women turn the tables on the vile men who destroyed their lives in this anthology of blood-splattered vignettes. Vengeance-seekers include a sweet girl forced to care for her depraved father, a beautiful hooker and a lonely teen who falls prey to a pair of sleazy breakdancers. Ashleigh Holeman, Roza Haidet, Laura Robbins, Jen Meissner and Raymond Turturro star.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good revenge tale (unless it stars Ashley Judd who has the acting chops of a stapler). If a woman gets “done wrong” by her man, to quote the blues, watching her bring the hammer down makes for a good movie. Thematically, it doesn’t involve a kooky best friend, a dope deal with gangsters gone bad, or cleaning up a house before parents get home.
However, the antagonists are sleazy breakdancers.
SLEAZY BREAKDANCERS. I suspect this droll description was the part of a Netflix staffer who was struggling to come up with a hook for Poison Sweethearts, since there is no nudity in it. When the best your movie has to offer is sleazy breakdancers, you better sell that new car, cause you ain’t keeping up with the payments.
I would like to play a game with you, readers. Can you come up with antagonists for a revenge movie that are goofier than “sleazy breakdancers?” If you read this entry, please post a comment with your thoughts, ideally in the “adjective occupation” format. Here are a few to get your started:
I’d also like to point out that these six tales of revenge take place in a 70 minute movie. It’s one of those movies if you like revenge but don’t really like things like set-up or exposition. “None of this talking or explanation nonsense for me,” says the moviegoer, “just give me revenge after revenge!” Assuming that the opening and closing credits take 10 minutes total (that’s also assuming that enough people were involved with this to stretch the credits out that far), each vignette is allowed 10 minutes to get from the set-up to the (assumed) gory punchline. That means that these tales of revenge are shorter than the average episode of Yu-Gi-Oh by about 12 minutes. Hell, they’re shorter than an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.
So this is a film that will not be added to my queue. Especially after the lone reviewer on Netflix wished ebola on the cast and crew. Sorry, makers of Poison Sweethearts, but the odds are against you on this one.
Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.
This week?
Crimson
Two hard-partying nursing students (Jaimi Paige and Elizabeth Di Prinzio) must save a woman they find in the middle of nowhere, Sammi (Stuart Brazell), who’s on the run from a vampire cult and its bloodthirsty leader, Rachel (Erika Smith). After the girls bring a battered Sammi to their sorority house for care and to sober up themselves, they quickly realize that they’ve stepped into a gruesome battle that just might end in terror.
I picked this film out of a pretty good assortment this week for the use of the phrase “gruesome battle that just might end in terror.” Is “terror” really the word that you want to use there? Is that really the most awful endpoint you can think of? For me, I’d think that you’d want terror running throughout your entire horror movie, not just the ending. I mean, the use would imply that there is a chance that the battle does not end in terror, making it a fairly tame ride. “We’re fighting but we’re not scared! Yet there is a possibility that we may feel scared by the end of this! Ahoy!”
Silly words.
As I always have to say, I have not seen this film. I have, however, seen the Netflix ratings of this film, which give it less than two stars. In fact, the director’s other two films on Netflix, Corazon and In the Red, also have garnered less than two stars apiece, creating an average of less than two stars for this director’s entire output. It’s fairly damning, but also consider that each one of director Richard Proche’s films stars about 90 gorgeous women, which is about 90 more than have ever starred in a film by me.
But what do the critics say?
Well, that’s a tough question to ask, since all but one of his 14 straight-to-DVD films have zero user reviews on imdb. The one reviewer for “Candle in the Dark” says that it’s not bad, although he says the same things about “Blood Harvest”, “Mega Snake”, and “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank.” Fairly large grain of salt there.
Netflix reviewers, however, are much more cruel.
For In the Red
“I read the reviews and thought “how bad can it be?” Well, I watched 4 minutes of it and each minute was excruciating.”
“Awful, awful movie, bad sound, bad picture quality, and stupid!! No action, doesn’t rate as a thriller, doesn’t rate as anything, especially anything to watch. A complete waste of time. Take it off the list. To rate this, we need negative stars.”
“This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Do not rent this movie, do not waste your time. This must be the worst 90 minutes of my life.”
So it’s fairly easy to make a judgement of “Crimson” from the reviews available of the director’s other films. But who knows? Perhaps a vampire cult film with extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists could surprise you. Maybe it has some hidden allure that I am unaware of aside from the previously mentioned extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists. Maybe if you pause the last screen of the DVD and print it out, it’s a coupon for free candy. Maybe it has a better movie burned on the other side. Maybe the DVD has an error on in and it stops automatically after the first 10 minutes.
