This week? Well, we have a few of them.

Sunday School Musical

When financial woes threaten their church’s future, a group of teens, led by one talented performer, enters a song and dance competition in hopes of winning a heavenly cash prize. Starring Candise Lakota as Savannah, this heartwarming and energetic Christian spin on the tremendously popular High School Musical franchise features 21 songs, including seven originals by composer Don Raymond. Rachel Goldenberg directs.

Financial woes. The old song and dance (ha ha ha) that has been known to organize kids into starting musicals. By doing a little bit of research (ie, looking for another synopsis), it looks like the church is going to be torn down. That’s right, a church is a little arrears on the rent, and the whole thing is going to be gone. That, to me, is next to impossible. If a greedy developer was trying to take over the land, the odds are that there would be huge legal battles involved with evicting and then demolishing a church. If they owe back rent, then the most expensive thing to do would be to tear it down - demolition costs cash, which is why you see churches for sale these days. And how dire is the financial situation if it can be solved by entering a talent show? The choices are come up with the money you win in a talent show OR LOSE EVERYTHING. Doesn’t add up.

Plus, if the church was important enough to save it should have enough support from the community/diocese/historic preservation to stay afloat. Otherwise the church folds but the congregation moves on to other things. Like a smaller, more affordable space. The church is people, not brick and mortar, it will survive wherever people take it. So this really is about kids who don’t want to lose a building that no one else is fighting for. What a great movie! No wonder this religious knock-off of a popular franchise only got 2 stars from Netflix, less than Curse of Alcatraz!

Half a Person

When Mark (Michael Majeski), a young gay man, and his straight best friend, Alex (Nigel Smith), leave their hometown for the big city, Mark exposes a self-destructive streak, while Alex must confront a painful secret from his past. But as they reveal more of their true selves, their hidden feelings for each other drive them to a decision that changes their lives forever. Adam Santangelo directs this sensitive coming-of-age drama.

Not much to say, other than I finally decoded the Netflix website. If a movie is called a “coming-of-age” anything, it’s really code for “and then I figured out I was gay.” Next movie.

Fiesta Grand

When Monica dumps her overbearing boyfriend, Rueben, and becomes engaged to sweet but poor James, her parents disapprove and scheme with Rueben to sabotage the engagement. Meanwhile, James’s pals are planning to throw a wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. Can James and Monica navigate interfering relatives and well-meaning friends and actually make it to the altar? Josué Gutierrez and Lyanna Tumaneng star in this comedy.

Wow. A wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. That sure makes for a fun twist. Wow. Can’t wait to see this, it looks stellar. Really breaks new ground.

Now imagine how different that paragraph would have sounded if I used exclamation points instead of periods. Now realize why I didn’t. It’s the problem of too many subplots. Why mention the bachelor party? How is this different than so many other awful wedding movies? And why did the one reviewer on the site give it 4 out of 5 stars and say it was “must see?” My guess is they were cast or crew, since Netflix gives it less than 2 stars.

Birds of America

With only his daffy neighbor (Hilary Swank) offering a diversion from his daily grind, Morrie (Matthew Perry) feels stifled by his suburban life and career. But circumstances change when he’s forced to reconcile with his younger brother and sister (Ben Foster and Ginnifer Goodwin). They resented him as a surrogate father when they were growing up, but now, their freewheeling ways just may be Morrie’s salvation. Daniel Eric Gold co-stars.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Matthew Perry should take a break from his film career and give television a go.

This week?

Rape is a Circle

Part sexploitation flick, part drama, part low-budget thriller, this film explores the theory that cruelty creates ripples leading to further cruelty. Two young women hitch a ride, unaware that the driver who picks them up is a dangerous brute. Despite their desperate attempts to escape, he overpowers them and subjects them to unspeakable perversions. As the humiliations continue, the friendship between the two women becomes irreversibly damaged.

Really, the only reason I posted this was because I laughed pretty hard the first two or three times I read the last sentence of this description.

Also, from the customer reviews, it turns out the driver is a woman and the “he overpowers them” is a typo.

This week?

Silent Mobius

As Tokyo faces an onslaught by Lucifer Hawk, a demon determined to wipe out mankind, Officer Katsumi recalls what led her to join the Attacked Mystification Police, an elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet. A postapocalyptic cyberpunk adventure that blends elements of action, science fiction and horror, this anime film features stunningly detailed visuals.

Dear Japan,
Please, please stop. Stop with your little girl heroes, your obsession with police and detectives, and your desire to see Tokyo destroyed by demons or robots or whatever crap your self-loathing creative team comes up with this week. Stop. You, as a people and a country, are better than this.

For instance, there was a time when people associated Japanese cinema with the master Akira Kurasowa (we share a birthday, by the way). Seven Samurai was considered the best foreign film ever made at one point. People fawned over you guys. Now, where’s the love? One-third of the films you produce involve some sort of elite unit of supernaturally powered women charged with protecting the planet, one-third are overly-bloody gangster films, and the final third are horror movies. How did you fall so far?

The part that gets me is obsessions. You constantly depict Tokyo being destroyed by something, in this case a “demon”. When Americans did that in Independence Day, people were shocked. It was a big deal. Sure, you get some property damage in American action films, but usually it’s fairly limited in scope - think Nakatomi Plaza in Die Hard. But you Japanese just love seeing Godzilla or Mothra or whomever beat the crud out of your capital city, killing your populace, film after film. Why?

And the cop thing. There used to be a rule that every anime had to have a fat cop as a comedic device. Now if there isn’t a fat cop, there’s a competent cop as the main character. Or detective. Or bounty hunter. Some sort of law enforcement. American films have cops in them too, but half the time they’re corrupt and the other half of the time they’re forced to play outside of the rules (again, think Die Hard). In fact, American films like seeing average Joes take on the bad guys instead of cops. So why do you insist on shoe-horning the police into all your movies?

I’m not even going to go into the tentacle thing. You guys have lived on an island, surviving off squid for too long.

In short, stop. Please stop this downward, yet circular trend you’ve fallen into. Stop the futuristic techno-crap. Stop with your post-apocalyptic obsessions and screaming desire to be ravaged by demons or robots or monsters. Stop naming your characters the Attacked Mystification Police, that’s just stupid. You need a 5-year moratorium on film/animation and you need to spend that time thinking about what you’ve produced as a nation for the last 20 years and how you’re going to make up for that.

Start by hosting a World’s Fair.

This week?

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Camp Rock

Despite Mitchie’s (Demi Lovato) beautiful voice and musical aspirations, the only way she can attend the pricey rock camp she wants to go to is to help in the kitchen — a fact she goes to great lengths to hide. But when celebrity camp counselor Shane Gray (Joe Jonas of the teen pop band the Jonas Brothers) overhears her singing without ever seeing her face, he makes it his mission to find the girl whose voice has captured his heart.

OK, I honestly don’t have too much of a problem with this movie. It’s not aimed at me, it’s aimed at tween girls and sexually confused tween boys. It’s Disney, Disney films get a little bit of leeway from me, since they’re generally decent quality and, again, they’re not aimed at me. I’m not going to see it, it’s not my cup of tea, it’s aimed at a much younger audience.

HOWEVER, Netflix did recommend this to me, and then told me that based on my previous rental choices, I would give this film FOUR AND A HALF STARS.

Which blew my mind. Four and a half stars is a big commitment. Looking back on my previous rental history, I’ve rated quite a few movies four stars or higher, yet absolutely none of them fall into the categories that Camp Rock does. For instance, George Pal’s 7 Faces of Dr. Lao got 5 stars from me. So did 1776, Heroes Season 1, Batman Begins, Inherit the Wind, and Lenny. The closest approximation to a kid’s movie that I’ve given high ratings to was the second season of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and that has bad language and things that spontaneously catch fire.

Like I said, Camp Rock’s not for me. But who is it for? 13 year olds! And if the peculiarity of Netflix’s recommendation doesn’t strike you as funny, here are a few actual reviews from viewers to brighten up your day. Keep in mind that about half of the reviews on the site (the ones I didn’t include) admit to not actually watching the movie, only looking forward to it because the Jonas Brothers are in it. And they all rated it 5 stars.

“Camp Rock is a great MOVIE! Me and my B.F.F. enjoyed every minute of it, I liked it a lot better than High School Musical #1 and #2! I give it 2 big thumps up. Demi Lovato has such a great voice and does a great job playing her part in the movie. I love this movie and everything in it but, I do think it’s a movie girls would enjoy it better than boys.”
- Big thumps up! Hellz yeah! And it’s great to know that this is a MOVIE! and not a BOOK! or a PAMPHLET! or a NICKELODEON! Glad to know this met with the approval of you and your B.F.F.

“I’m 11 years old and I’m not a huge fan of the Jonas Brothers…sure I like their music but I’m not one who will scream their head off and pay 200 dollars per ticket to get into their concert. Still I absolutely loved this movie! The music was great and the actors are very talented when it comes to singing…I wasnt mesmerized by their acting but Hey! no one is going to like a movie for just acting! The voices of the actors are enough for me! If you want a fun, chick flick kind of movie or even if you just want to relax and be able to sing along to the songs then absolutely get this movie!”
- This 11-year old either is lying about his/her age, or is a master of the English language. I wasn’t weaving sentences this good when I was 11, or actively using the word mesmerized, and I had a genius level IQ. good work, lad.

“Yes I am one of those girls who screams and pays 50 bucks for one the jonas brothers tickets, but it is a cute film from disney with good remodels for younger kids. It is very good i loved it!”
- If you are looking to remodel younger kids, this movie will have good recommendations for you.

“This movie is so great it’s great for all ages the jonas brothers where so good in this movie so was Demi Lovato and everyone eles. Having to dill with lieing in the movie it teachs you a lesson.”
- A tribute to special education!

“if you like to sing watch the movie! it’s awsome !I loved it it was like the best movie ever! to me I liked best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- You have dishonored my clan! Killed my master! Now I will kill you with five-finger heart pierce dragon phoenix strike! A loser is you! Welcome to die!

“I Loved the movie it was awsome especially Joe Jonas in it sooooooooooo cute did you know he is a MAJOR CUTIE”
- According to the IMDB trivia page, there is no claim made to Joe Jonas being a MAJOR CUTIE. Apparently IMDB did not know this interesting fact. What makes this funnier is that the person who rated this had a profile picture of Spock, so it looked like Spock was commenting on Joe Jonas.

“Shane Gray(Joe Jonas From The Band The Jonas Brothers)bY accident runs Into A Bush RunnIng AwAY from Girls. When He Hears Mitchie(Demi Lovato)Singing. WiLL Shane Ever Find The Mysterious Girl”
- Sadly, this was probably the studio pitch for the movie.

This week?

Superbadazz

In an effort to up their cash flow, desperate friends Rodney and Leon open an illegal strip club in Rodney’s parents’ basement. But the boys’ business venture gets off to a shaky start when the girls they hire turn out to be less than perfect. Of course, the fact that Rodney’s parents have no idea that their home is doubling as a house of ill repute only adds to the shenanigans. Shaun May, Randy Clark and Michael Harris co-star.

That’s…not a bad plot. I’m man enough to admit, that’s not a bad plot for a movie. I dislike the use of the word “shenanigans,” but a secret strip club in a basement doesn’t seem to be tremendously awful.

However, the trailer for “Superbadazz” (not to be confused with “Superbad”, a movie that got a theatrical release) is available on the ol’ internets. I give it to you here:

Or here, if your browser doesn’t pop a youtube window up.

From the trailer, it looks less like a strip club and more like, well, sex slavery. If someone invited me to this club I would assume that I would:

a) have my skin end up as someone’s coat
b) get to kill one of the girls as a souvenir
c) be roped into dog fighting
d) contract three different staph infections

e) encounter a foster kid in a cage

The “less than perfect” girls are supposed to be the big laugh attraction, but come off as rather mean-spirited. One’s blind. One’s deaf. One has to talk with a voicebox because she has a hole in her throat. I didn’t laugh at them, I just felt bad. And this was just from the trailer, I haven’t seen the film. And if there is a God, I never will.

But hey, thumbs on the idea of having an unlicensed, illegal strip club full of desperate handicapped people in your filthy basement. That’s comedy gold.

This week?

Poison Sweethearts

Pushed to the limit by their abusers, six young women turn the tables on the vile men who destroyed their lives in this anthology of blood-splattered vignettes. Vengeance-seekers include a sweet girl forced to care for her depraved father, a beautiful hooker and a lonely teen who falls prey to a pair of sleazy breakdancers. Ashleigh Holeman, Roza Haidet, Laura Robbins, Jen Meissner and Raymond Turturro star.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good revenge tale (unless it stars Ashley Judd who has the acting chops of a stapler). If a woman gets “done wrong” by her man, to quote the blues, watching her bring the hammer down makes for a good movie. Thematically, it doesn’t involve a kooky best friend, a dope deal with gangsters gone bad, or cleaning up a house before parents get home.

However, the antagonists are sleazy breakdancers.

SLEAZY BREAKDANCERS. I suspect this droll description was the part of a Netflix staffer who was struggling to come up with a hook for Poison Sweethearts, since there is no nudity in it. When the best your movie has to offer is sleazy breakdancers, you better sell that new car, cause you ain’t keeping up with the payments.

I would like to play a game with you, readers. Can you come up with antagonists for a revenge movie that are goofier than “sleazy breakdancers?” If you read this entry, please post a comment with your thoughts, ideally in the “adjective occupation” format. Here are a few to get your started:

Goofier Antagonists for Poison Sweethearts

1. Schizophrenic Newspaper Magnates
2. Tired Suffragettes
3. Crippled Comptrollers
4. Waterlogged Deacons

I’d also like to point out that these six tales of revenge take place in a 70 minute movie. It’s one of those movies if you like revenge but don’t really like things like set-up or exposition. “None of this talking or explanation nonsense for me,” says the moviegoer, “just give me revenge after revenge!” Assuming that the opening and closing credits take 10 minutes total (that’s also assuming that enough people were involved with this to stretch the credits out that far), each vignette is allowed 10 minutes to get from the set-up to the (assumed) gory punchline. That means that these tales of revenge are shorter than the average episode of Yu-Gi-Oh by about 12 minutes. Hell, they’re shorter than an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

So this is a film that will not be added to my queue. Especially after the lone reviewer on Netflix wished ebola on the cast and crew. Sorry, makers of Poison Sweethearts, but the odds are against you on this one.

This week?

Crimson

Two hard-partying nursing students (Jaimi Paige and Elizabeth Di Prinzio) must save a woman they find in the middle of nowhere, Sammi (Stuart Brazell), who’s on the run from a vampire cult and its bloodthirsty leader, Rachel (Erika Smith). After the girls bring a battered Sammi to their sorority house for care and to sober up themselves, they quickly realize that they’ve stepped into a gruesome battle that just might end in terror.

I picked this film out of a pretty good assortment this week for the use of the phrase “gruesome battle that just might end in terror.” Is “terror” really the word that you want to use there? Is that really the most awful endpoint you can think of? For me, I’d think that you’d want terror running throughout your entire horror movie, not just the ending. I mean, the use would imply that there is a chance that the battle does not end in terror, making it a fairly tame ride. “We’re fighting but we’re not scared! Yet there is a possibility that we may feel scared by the end of this! Ahoy!”

Silly words.

As I always have to say, I have not seen this film. I have, however, seen the Netflix ratings of this film, which give it less than two stars. In fact, the director’s other two films on Netflix, Corazon and In the Red, also have garnered less than two stars apiece, creating an average of less than two stars for this director’s entire output. It’s fairly damning, but also consider that each one of director Richard Proche’s films stars about 90 gorgeous women, which is about 90 more than have ever starred in a film by me.

But what do the critics say?

Well, that’s a tough question to ask, since all but one of his 14 straight-to-DVD films have zero user reviews on imdb. The one reviewer for “Candle in the Dark” says that it’s not bad, although he says the same things about “Blood Harvest”, “Mega Snake”, and “Blood Sucking Babes from Burbank.” Fairly large grain of salt there.

Netflix reviewers, however, are much more cruel.

For In the Red

“I read the reviews and thought “how bad can it be?” Well, I watched 4 minutes of it and each minute was excruciating.”

“Awful, awful movie, bad sound, bad picture quality, and stupid!! No action, doesn’t rate as a thriller, doesn’t rate as anything, especially anything to watch. A complete waste of time. Take it off the list. To rate this, we need negative stars.”

“This is the worst movie I have ever seen. Do not rent this movie, do not waste your time. This must be the worst 90 minutes of my life.”

So it’s fairly easy to make a judgement of “Crimson” from the reviews available of the director’s other films. But who knows? Perhaps a vampire cult film with extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists could surprise you. Maybe it has some hidden allure that I am unaware of aside from the previously mentioned extraordinarily hot nursing students, sorority girls, and vampire cultists. Maybe if you pause the last screen of the DVD and print it out, it’s a coupon for free candy. Maybe it has a better movie burned on the other side. Maybe the DVD has an error on in and it stops automatically after the first 10 minutes.

It’s the future, right? Anything can happen!

This week?

Spanish Harlem

In this comic crime tale, young lothario Nemo (David Miller) finds himself the target of two gangs — one Latino and the other Italian — after foolishly impregnating a pair of mobsters’ daughters. To make matters worse, Nemo is in hock to a foaming-at-the-mouth hash dealer who wants his money within an hour. The cast also includes Oscar Medina, Steve De Vito and Derek Brantley, who plays Nemo’s best friend.

This is yet another entry into the genre of “ALL KINDS OF BAD S*** IS HAPPENING TO ME AND MY FRIENDS AND WE HAVE THIS CRAZY TIME LIMIT THING ON TOP OF IT ALL!” films, many of which pop up on Netflix each week. It’s a simple formula:

protagonist + minor personal trouble + helpful friends + major, life-threatening trouble with added time limit = movie

or, more simplified,

DVD rentals ÷ number of bored weirdos who Netflix anything that involves drugs (where the number =/= 0) = success of film in saturated market

There are tons of these films. Clean the house before mom and dad come home. Comically get rid of the body before the cops come. Pay off the bookie before he breaks your legs. It’s all comedic situations with a goofy best friend and usually a hot chick, although this film sounds like it took care of the sex early on. Rival gangs, hooo boy! You’re in for fun, filmgoer!

The part that really caught my eye was that the best friend was played by Derek Brantley. Who is Derek Brantley? I have no idea. IMDB has one entry for him and it’s for a 12-minute short film. So the last part of that sentence really doesn’t mean anything. Someone you’ve never heard of it playing a generic role - rent this! It’s not like the role of “best friend” is very coveted, like “with Anthony Hopkins as Richard III” or “with David Bowie as Nicola Tesla” or even “with Dennis Haskins as Mr. Belding.” In fact, “best friend” is so generic, you might as well say, “with Johnny Noname as policeman III.” I hope that the fact that Derek Brantley played the best friend was not the deciding factor in convincing someone to rent this movie.

But hey, at least the movie’s limited to one hour.

This week?

Marina Monster

With a deadly bull shark trolling the waters of the local marina, Earl Molar and his girlfriend, Oceana, drop everything to convince their parents — competing owners of rival yacht clubs — to cancel the town’s annual “Around the Bay” race. Earl’s father is so obsessed with winning the race to pay off his towering pile of debts that he hardly has time to listen. But he’s also worried about the nosy reporter who’s been watching his every move.

Notice how little copy the shark gets. 12 words in the beginning of a sentence, then isn’t mentioned again, a sure sign that we’re not supposed to be interested in the shark. No, we’re supposed to be interested in the political workings of the marina. And you know, that’s fine, I’m almost happy that there’s a movie that focuses on what it takes to run a profitable marina on a day to day basis.

And what about that nosy reporter? He gets 14 words to the shark’s 12. Obviously, the real villain here is the nosy reporter, attempting to bring down the marina through the press. And you know, that’s fine too. Better for a television pilot (sort of like “Hey Dude!”), but they made it into a 72-minute movie and that can function just as well as a pilot.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the shark didn’t kill anyone and was kind of like the Gentle Ben of the series? Like, Earl and Oceana are the protagonists and they have funny adventures every week under the eyes of the bumbling marina owner, Earl’s dad. Maybe Oceana’s dad can be all stuffy and preppy and he disapproves of their romance but he’s too tied up with work to do anything about it. And then the nosy reporter comes around, snooping for dirt on the marina (he is the “antagonist,” for those of you English majors). And then the shark can talk and the kids bring all their problems to him every episode and when things are bad he jumps through the wall or onto the boat and fights people. You know, kind of like Jabberjaw meets Knight Rider.

Sadly, I don’t think that Marina Monster is as interesting or as fun as my re-telling of it. It’s a Jaws rip-off, pure and simple, the best plot that 72 minutes and stock shark footage can buy.

This week?

Who’s Your Monkey?
In one night, childhood buddies Mark (Scott Grimes), Bobby (Jason London), Laith (Scott Michael Campbell) and Hutto (David DeLuise) discover how far they’ll go for friendship in this award-winning dark comedy. When Mark reaches an emotional and professional dead zone, the others try to cheer him up. But what begins as a simple night out mushrooms into a madcap adventure to bust an animal porn ring and dispose of the body of a crystal meth dealer.

There’s a LOT going on in this film. So much, in fact, that the attractive girl with the monkey isn’t even mentioned in the Netflix description. That’s how much is packed into this 86 minutes. Girl, monkey, animal porn ring, character development of four childhood buddies, dead crystal meth dealer, Mark reaching an emotiona/professional dead zone, friends’ plot to make Mark feel better. IN 86 MINUTES. That includes credits, people, both opening and closing. This is like the Nutrageous of movies.

As always, I have to say that I haven’t seen this movie. It seems to have a lot going against it, seeing that 86 minutes is an extraordinarily short amount of time to develop any of these plots adequately. Your typical body disposal comedy, say, Men at Work, is over an hour and a half, and that doesn’t even have an animal porn ring plot.

Then again, a typical evening can have a lot happen in it. Last night, for instance, I saw a half-hour sketch comedy show, ate pad thai with my girlfriend, watched an episode of Boston Legal, and then read a JSA trade paperback. It took a few hours and consisted of multiple events. That’s four separate things in one evening - is it so strange of me to question the combination of boys’ night out/animal porn ring/dead meth dealer disposal/something to do with a girl and monkey?

No, it probably isn’t. On the same night you find a dead crystal meth dealer, you probably won’t be busting up an animal porn ring. I mean, each one of those can suck up your evening pretty fast, but together? Yeah, I’m not suspending disbelief that far.