Thumper Bambi
This is a costume. Of a bunny. An animated bunny. A person has to crawl inside of it and walk around to entertain children. Luckily, children have never seen the classic film Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Have you?
Well, now you get the gist of it, and understand why I chose Thumper to hold up to ridicule. Seriously, rabbit, that’s just a bad make-up job. It reminds me of a woman I was standing next to the other day with way too much eyebrow pencil. Both of them looked freaky, however one is a rabbit. (Rabbits don’t wear make-up, unless they’re part of animal cosmetic testing. Thumper might be making some extra dough on the side.)
Rebecca TailSpin
Rebecca was the motherly figure in the Disney Afternoon show TailSpin and she looks generally the same in this photo as she did on the show. Except for her monster animal head on her normal-sized body. I don’t see many children these days recalling the Disney Afternoon show enough to run up to Rebecca for a photo, so I imagine she wanders aimlessly around the park, posing for pictures with very confused park attendees. The excitement level for Rebecca has to be very low, since she wasn’t the break-out star of TailSpin and certainly never anyone’s favorite (unless they were into anthropomorphic bears who dressed in mom clothes which, sadly exist). I understand the difficulty putting costumes together, but sweat pants? Really? I’m sure there are a few mothers walking around the park right at this very moment wearing something similar, possibly smelling like spilled beer and crushed up Oxycontin.
Gideon Pinocchio
So what do you remember about Gideon, eh? Well, before doing some wiki-research, all I remembered was that he was a bad guy somehow. A bad guy with a goofy grin. Then I read the synopsis of Pinocchio and learned that he and his fox friend, Honest John, sell Pinocchio into slavery twice. The first time it’s to Stromboli (remember him and his awful costume?) and the second time it’s to “The Coachman” who kidnaps the antagonist away to Pleasure Island where he’s turned into a donkey after drinking and smoking (they CAN’T get away with that in Disney films anymore, trust me). BUT THERE’S MORE. Gideon appears in the original Pinocchio, as well as Honest John. What do they do? Nothing so easy as slavery and kidnapping, no sir. They get their hands dirty in the original text.
They hang Pinocchio from a tree, trying to make him vomit gold coins.
Later Pinocchio bites Gideon’s hand off (I am 100% serious) and he goes blind. This didn’t make it into the Disney film, but damn, do you really want him hunched over your kids like that?
Radcliffe Pocahontas
It’s an awkward hat contest! Winner is…the kid who didn’t wear a hat! Radcliffe has to be one of the most unlikable Disney characters ever created. In the film he did nothing positive at all, was not funny, and was often racist, mean, and imperialistic. The animators drew him as unattractive as possible, which translated into this costume. Everything about this guy screams “BAD” but of course he gets the costume anyway. The part I love is that the head is sculpted to make Radcliffe look as bored with the tourists as possible, which is good because these kids seem about as excited to pose with Radcliffe as they would to pose with someone who worked at a bank.
The Sheriff of Nottingham Robin Hood
Another completely mean-spirited character who walks around posing with kids. Big props to the girl in the sorcerer’s hat who is once again willing to have her photo taken with characters she has absolutely no memory of. There’s no love here, no appreciation, not even any animosity towards a badger who stole money from poor people and locked them in jail. There isn’t even a hint of recognition going on here. Just pose next to the big furry thing, and in a few years, when you’re older, you might remember the movie.
While sitting in the airport today, on my way to Chicago, I couldn’t help but hear the CNN they have blaring through the terminal. They were doing a story on MAD Magazine’s 500th issue, which is awesome. I have a collection of MAD Magazines that’s taller than I was when I first started buying it in 1988 (I have since dropped the title when it went color and quarterly), so I’m a fan of the work.
CNN, must not be familiar with the book, as the news anchor, a ditzy, ditzy woman, started off the report by saying, “As Alfred E. Newman would say, ‘What? MAD? Why worry?’”
Ugh. A few minutes later the weatherman made a joke about “putting the lotion in the basket” and this wonderful anchorwoman didn’t know what he was talking about.
Everyone puts advertising down as being unnecessary, but gosh darn, there’s a lot of advertising that’s great. The Super Bowl always has funny ads year after year, and I like to think that I make ads that are important in selling medicines to doctors. I’m an ad writer by trade and I take my profession seriously. I like a good ad.
Especially when there are some ads that are TOTALLY INSANE but awesome. Case in point:
How TOTALLY INSANE but awesome is this Quiznos ad? Here’s a still image from it:
If I ate at Quiznos, I would be proud that my choice of hot sub deli had the stones to go out and take a risk with this. The song’s catchy, it gets you thinking about Quiznos, and if you’re really lucky, you’ll start hearing dogs tell you to kill people with a gun.
This guy was doing his best to hit on this girl in the wheelchair. The creepy part? HE WAS USING THE SCOOBY VOICE.
I think I’m going to go home and try and make sense of this. This disturbing, disturbing scene. Thanks for following along! I’ll put some Hatter sketches up soon!
I love Sleestak. Seriously, I adore Sleestak. I liked them for years, even when it wasn’t cool to like Sleestak. I’m so glad they’re getting some respect. Scariest damn things in the world.
This is me standing next to William Katt from Greatest American “So Great Why Did It End” Hero, one of my favorite TV shows. We talked for a few minutes about his new GAH comic book and the way they’re presenting it, a combination of the old origin story with new twists about the characters and the suit’s powers, is enticing. I’ll pick up the second issue (first’s already out!). I also mentioned my favorite film of his, House and he was upset that some jerks just released a slasher film named House without paying any tribute to the amazing original starring Katt, George Wendt, and Richard Moll. If you haven’t seen the original House (and not that stupid show about the doctor), netflix it now. It’s from when horror was still fun.
Also, here is a tray of butter cubes that was randomly on top of a display shelf. I don’t think anyone remembered they were there.
We’re back with more synopses of movies you might want to pick up and movies you quite possibly want to stay away from, like a mangy dog with VD.
Spike Jones: The Legend (1951) – If you don’t know Spike Jones, you should. The man was a force of nature in the 40’s and 50’s, with his band of City Slickers and bizarre renditions of popular songs. A lot of what he did is still being imitated, often unconsciously. Most of the DVD is guest appearances on popular programs, which does involve some repeats here and there, but the material is dynamite all the time. I just got his bio for Hanukkah, so that’s on my reading list.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982) – You know, those Michael Myers “Halloween” movies are great, but there’s just so much more you can do with the holiday of Halloween. Thankfully, Halloween III has diddly to do with the plot of the first two movies and instead tells the tale of an evil toy company stealing Stonehenge and using its energy to create masks that turn your face into snakes and bugs. This indeed made it to theaters, and people indeed paid money for this. Special effects are flat out retarded, the characters make the wrong decisions almost always, and no one bothered to think that Stonehenge had to do with ley lines, not just a bunch of old rocks standing in a circle.
Jack-O (1995) – I only wish this was a bigger cult film than it is. The movie is a disaster from start to finish, think “The Room” but with a semi-murderous pumpkin-headed monster. Virtually no one in this film is an actor but that’s ok, as a real actor would probably object to the incredibly bland dialogue and storyline. Plot holes, logic holes, and even casting holes abound. “Casting holes?” you say? Yup. John Carradine died in the 80’s. The producer of Jack-o bought a couple seconds of film of John looking grim in a cloak and reciting some vague goth nonsense, then edited the film around that so John Carradine is “in” the movie as an evil wizard. Say nothing of the fact that every time you see his face the film stock changes and every time some cast member has to interact with him he’s always shot from the back, wearing a hooded cloak to hide the fact that HE’S AN EXTRA WITH NO LINES.
The Chronological Donald: Vol. 1 (1934) – After coming back from Disney World I was on a Disney high that has lasted until the present. Naturally I wanted more more more, so this chronological presentation of Donald Duck cartoons was perfect. It’s hosted by Leonard Maltin, whose main role was to come on in-between cartoons and say things like, “Now, back in the 1940’s it was common to see black people portrayed like this, and no offense was meant at all,” and “In this cartoon you’ll see Donald put a gun to his head and pray for death, but that’s no indication that viewers should follow his example.” Donald also smokes cigarettes, tries to win a pipe from a claw machine game, and uses the line “I might as well be in a concentration camp” when protesting against doing work. The cartoons are still awesome, despite Maltin’s warning labels.
The Man in the Glass Booth (1975) – Again, part of my Nazi-hunter movie phase. Maximillian Schell is a Jewish man arrested as an escaped Nazi, then takes pleasure in becoming this new evil character. It’s a little over the top in places (every time Schell speaks), but it was a good film to watch one Saturday morning when I felt like curling up on the couch with my cat and watching movies about Nazi atrocities.
Thinking XXX (2004) – After reading the Legs McNeill book “The Other Hollywood” I started finding more information about the history of the porn world. “Thinking XXX” is candid conversations with porn stars on the set of a photo shoot for a coffee table book. It’s a lot of casual nudity, so keep the kids away from this one.
Roadie (1980) – Meatloaf! In his first big screen role! The screen can barely hold his face! It’s huge! And it keeps looking at the camera! This was part of the Monster Society of Evil’s “Too Many Musicians” night, because aside from Meatloaf, it stars Roy Orbison, Alice Cooper, Hank Williams Jr, Blondie, and Don Cornelius. It’s not entertaining as a movie, but verbally berating the characters on the screen (”WHY DID YOU DO THIS, ROY ORBISON???”) makes up for the various offenses committed by this film. Do NOT watch this alone, as you will probably lose IQ points.
The Tick Vs. Season 1 (1994) – If you’re linking to this blog through Wizard, there’s no need to tell you how good this cartoon was. If you didn’t, this cartoon was very smart and funny, and followed the comic series very, very closely.
Dear Santa (1998) – If there is a God, he was looking the other way when they filmed this. It’s a VERY lame retelling of The Santa Clause as done by actors who might have been dynamite in their community theater production of “Annie Get Your Gun,” but are a mess here. Lines are read so deliberately that you expect a chorus line to form behind the actors. The plot doesn’t make much sense, and the actors have a very hard time not looking at the camera in every shot. If I filmed myself shouting obscenities while peeing on a tree, it would be a better holiday film than this.
I haven’t made a big deal out of this whole “now it’s 2009″ thing, but in all honesty, I haven’t been thinking much about it. I’m mostly interested in my work, my writing, upcoming conventions, and obsessively collecting more items for the Mad Hatter collection (new page of Mark Buckingham Hatter art from Shadow of the Bat #79 is on it’s way, and I’m waiting to get four Batman vs Hatter trading cards from 1966 matted properly). But in the spirit of saying goodbye to 2008, I’d like to share with you something very personal. Something that I generally keep very secret and only share with close, close friends.
My Netflix rental history for 2008.
It’s a recap of the stuff that I enjoyed, with my hilarious mini-review following it. Why hilarious? Because the majority of the stuff I rented was absolutely awful. Like, I searched out films that had less than 2 stars. And this is what my life is.
Exploring the Da Vinci Code (2005) – Henry Lincoln was one of the great names in Holy Grail scholarship, and the theories he presented in “Holy Blood, Holy Grail” became the basis for The Da Vinci Code. That being said, you’d think he’d be more excited in hosting this DVD. The Da Vinci Code movie isn’t mentioned, Da Vinci is not mentioned, and Lincoln more or less travels around France pointing out some strange things that point to some sort of conspiracy or hidden knowledge. No conclusions are made. It’s kinda cool, but he keeps mentioning that none of these clues actually mean anything. Weird.
The Hot Rock (1972) – Uh…heist film starring Robert Redford and Zero Mostel. I listed it when I was going through a Zero Mostel phase, ended up not watching this film.
The Pink Chiquitas (1987) – Frank Stallone. A movie about nymphomaniac aliens. Mostly Frank Stallone. Sly’s less-talented brother swaggers through numerous scenes where he’s a badass and everyone falls for him. It wasn’t the worst film I’ve ever seen, but definitely the worst about nymphomaniac aliens (mostly due to Frank Stallone’s presence). Not sure who thought green-lighting this movie was a good idea, but hopefully they have been stopped by now.
Trekkies 2 – (2004) – The first Trekkies movie was fun. You got to laugh at the fun folks who thought they were aliens and that they went to some space academy. If this were the 1700’s, they would have ended up in a mental hospital, but now they’re dentists and lawyers and stuff. This sequel meets some new friends, and catches up with some old ones, most importantly the kid who was interviewed for the first one and ended up screaming at his friend through the phone when he interrupted the interview. He and his dad film fan episodes of Star Trek in their garage. Both are married to actual women.
Black Adder: Series 1 – I’m going to list all the Black Adders under one heading, since I watched them all at once. A very funny show, but after three discs or so, I lost interested and had to rent something else. That something was…
Can’t Stop the Music (1980) – Yes, the Village People movie. People always remember it as being the Village People movie, but they forget that it also stars Steve Guttenberg, Valerie Perrine (topless scene!), and Bruce Jenner before he got his faced removed by plastic surgery. Remarkably, Steve Guttenberg’s acting is truly the gayest thing in this movie that stars the Village People. It gets way disturbing way fast. The film is more or less The Muppet Movie with flamboyantly dressed dancer/singers. Oddly enough, the leather motorcycle enthusiast’s rendition of “Danny Boy” is the highlight of an otherwise awful film.
Chariots of the Gods (1972) – I got this for Katie, thinking that it was a version of the film about ancient astronauts landing on Earth that I saw as a child. I was big into that stuff when I was little (and now, when I’m bigger), so a film narrated by alien hunter Erich von Daniken himself was a big deal for little 10-year old Ethan. This one isn’t that version. It’s more than a little drawn out and doesn’t keep your attention. I still believe, but I don’t think Katie does.
Putney Swope (1969) – A film by Robert Downey Sr. about the advertising industry. The only black member of an ad firm gets promoted to head of the company and he goes about reinventing the ad industry. I figured that since I was a member of the ad world, I should see this. It’s not awful, but many scenes don’t seem to have any point and they tend to add up by the end. Some of the ad parodies are funny, but the scenes with Putney himself (an actor who was so drunk on set that all his lines were dubbed in by Downey) don’t always make sense. Especially every scene with the midget/little person at the president of the US. It doesn’t even make sense if you see the movie.
Student Bodies (1981) – I rented this as part of a Richard Belzer double feature with the absolutely terrible waste of film, “The Wrong Guys,” which I sadly own and didn’t have to rent. It’s an early spoof of the teen slasher genre, which in itself isn’t bad, but the film just isn’t that funny. Belzer is the killer. Ooop, there I go, I ruined the ending for you. Now you don’t have to rent it to find out!
24 Hour Party People (2002) – A look at the history of the Manchester music scene, with Joy Division and the Happy Mondays as the focus. It’s told through the eyes of music manager Tony Wilson, played by a not-surprisingly good Steve Coogan. I love the whole music bio thing, and this was the only movie I netflixed in 2008 that I strongly considered buying for my home collection. The box cover, sadly, makes it look like it’s about rave culture, which is more or less ignoring most of what this movie’s about. Almost every British actor makes a cameo in this film.
Bloodz vs. Wolvez (2006) – FAIL. Movie fail. Vampires vs werewolves on the streets of NYC, although about 95% of the scenes are filmed inside buildings that are unfurnished. I imagine that the producers knew a real estate broker who could get them into an unleased building for a few days of shooting. NONE of the scenes are furnished, which sorta make sense when you’re dealing with the werewolves who are squatting in an unfinished apartment, but becomes a joke when you’re dealing with the vampires who are supposed to be very rich but don’t have a couch or dining room table. The interesting part is that this is a more-than-decent commentary on black culture (rich vs poor), but the idea of making it about vampires and werewolves FAILS, especially in the make-up department (there is none for either group). Would have worked as a conceptual stage show though.
Vampiyaz (2004) – This is the spiritual prequel to Bloodz vs Wolvez, made by the same cast and crew and using, once again, unfurnished buildings for all their scenes. The plot’s eh, a guy gets out of jail (a penitentiary that is obviously used now as a historical landmark and not a real prison anymore), finds his friend’s a vampire, then ends up killing him. He also falls in love with a girl in a wheelchair who ends up getting blown up. Nothing in this film works, the acting, the script, the dialogue, the plot, the special effects. Just a mess. Avoid, even if you like bad movies because it’s hard to make fun of.
Spaced: The Compete Series (1999) – Also known as “the series about geek culture that stars the guys from Sean of the Dead.” That’s it in a nutshell. Friends get a flat together, they have fun with their odd friends. Lots and lots of geek references, which makes it a geek hit. I liked it.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000) – And surprise, neither was Blair Witch 2! Both wastes of film, money, and time, although American Psycho 2 would have worked better if it hadn’t been connected to the first film or the book at all.
Marathon Man (1976) – Dustin Hoffman classic that I obviously rented during my “reading books about Nazi hunting” phase. Laurence Olivier is an escaped Nazi who totally messes up Dustin Hoffman, who decides to get revenge. So 70’s, you can smell the stale cigarette smoke.
Jon Golbe is one of the funniest people in New York. I ain’t lying, everything that comes out of his mouth (vocally) is dynamite. We were on an improv team for a little bit, Mice Cream, and I got to see how damn quick and smart he is firsthand.
Now, he’s an intern at Playboy.
They’ve made it into a web reality show where Jon’s absolutely killing in every scene he’s got. This is the episode where he gets a pedicure with a Playmate.
Jon Golbe is a funny, funny man. And all of the world needs to know this and hire him for more things (and yes, Jon, I did see you on Colbert last month). Enjoy the video, and HIRE HIM FOR MOVIES AND THINGS.
