But then there’s stuff that makes you wonder, “what the hell were we thinking?” And that’s what this blog is about today. The ten things at this weekend’s Big Apple Comic Con in NYC that were just plain…odd.

10. Lil’ Marilyn Manson
For starters, I like Marilyn Manson, and the album that this came from, Golden Age of Grotesque, is probably his best. However, it’s Marilyn Manson. The man who Christian groups have protested since the early 90’s. The man who even Trent Reznor stopped hanging out with because he was too weird. And yet, he’s a cute little walking toy. Please do not leave this toy with children.

9. Pink Panther Keys and Cash
Say nothing of the strangeness inherent in paying real money to get fake money, this little darling is one of the few examples of a moderately successful cartoon becoming a completely useless toy: a pink wallet. Any boy who bought this toy (or whose confused parents bought it for him) was instantly ridiculed and kicked off the football team. Plus it’s made of remarkably flimsy plastic so the whole thing would crack and fall apart after about a day. This is truly, teh suk.

8. Hulk toy
Among all of the unlicensed stuff being sold, this unlabeled Hulk toy (no poseable limbs and feet somehow stuck into a pitcher’s mound) stood out to me. Mostly because it looks like Ernest Borgnine. MCHALE SMASH!

7. Boyfriend 64
Despite the title, it’s not a catalog of boyfriends you could purchase in 1964. Yet, since it was located on a table with porn magazines, it had other connotations. Imagine my disappointment when I opened the book (it’s a hardcover book, not a magazine) and found pictures of all your favorite flashes in the pan from 1964, badly colored with watercolor! No exposed genitals at all! I can’t imagine this lasting longer than one year thought, and not because of the deceptive title that probably ruined the evening of many pervy purchasers. Who was going to wait for another year to buy a hardcover book of pop stars?

6. Random Pay Phone
Sure, you can put down $20K on a single comic book (Detective Comics 31 as one booth was selling) or $15K on a page of Frank Miller art, but why spend cash on things that make sense when there’s perfectly bizarre stuff that has nothing to do with comics to buy? Like this broken payphone that someone was selling.

5. Seinfeld Bloopers
Make no mistake, kids. This is a DVD of Seinfeld bloopers. The same things you can find as special features on any regular Seinfeld DVD. Just compiled onto one DVD. Save yourself the expense of purchasing three seasons of Seinfeld just for the bonus material and just purchase some grainy second/third-generation bootleg!

4. Stuffed Riddler
When you think of “cuddly”, I’m sure that “Batman villain” is not one of the first thousand things that comes to mind. Yet for some licensor, this made perfect sense. “Kids love the Riddler, so they must want to sleep with him too!” And isn’t that was kids really would prefer over bears and puppies and raccoons? (I had a stuffed raccoon) A man in a suit with no pupils? Yep, hook my child up with a stuffed man in a suit and have him start off down that long road to a soulless corporate job early! Or clue-based crime.

3. Sting foam things
For the foam finger on the left, he looks like an Archie character. On the right…let’s just say that there’s one pro wrestler in this picture who might be a little hopped up on goofballs. I’m sure he was overjoyed when he looked out from the ring and saw these staring back at him, with his (apparent) trademark “lazy eye yet still ramped on crack cocaine” look. This is one of those things you sign off on BEFORE it’s produced.

2. Spider-Man Gumball Machine
This just screams “WE DIDN’T TRY!” It’s a gumball machine, straight out of any candy store, with a Spider-Man figure stuck to the top of it. And that’s IT. The designs on the machine itself have nothing to do with Spider-Man, they’re the same abstract, art deco antique designs you’d find on any gumball machine. There’s no effort to match the colors or designs of the character. It’s just a figure stuck to a gumball machine. For $15. Perfect for your friends who have an enormous love of gum and a passing fancy for Spider-Man.

1. The Twins of Dracula lobby card
The joke is obvious. The TWINS of Dracula! And she’s topless! Twins!
To hammer this joke even farther, the ace salesman who was peddling this merchandise told me that “for $5, you can see the titties.” I told him that I didn’t need $5 to see titties, as this was New York, and he shrugged. But get it? TWINS of Dracula! Ho ho!

And, as a bonus, I took a creative picture of a comic called “The Man In Black Called Fate”.

I like to think of it as “Johnny Cash, the later years.”

GI Joe may be returning big time.

“But Ethan!” you cry, “GI Joe’s been around for a long time and they keep making hit toys and comics and there’s this movie and everything! And we really like whining!” And you’re right on all counts. But now IDW publishing is doing something that I think has been overdue for a while: they’re restarting the GI Joe franchise.

GI Joe #0 came out yesterday and costs only $1, so you don’t have much of an excuse to not buying it (unless you live somewhere where literacy is outlawed - I’M LOOKING AT YOU, KANSAS). It’s three short tales to set up the three new Joe series, GI Joe proper, GI Joe: Origins, and GI Joe: COBRA, each done by the artists and writers of their respective series. The goal is to reboot the franchise, starting at the early days when the Joes and COBRA were still unaware of each other, leading into how the Joes were recruited, and possibly the same with COBRA (the short COBRA story in #0 has Chuckles infiltrating the organization).

And normally, I don’t give a rat’s ass about GI Joe. I adored the show as a kid but lost track of it right before the animated movie. Now there’s been so many changes to the teams and the storylines and whatnot that I couldn’t be bother with it. Especially when everything from the 1980’s until now was all considered part of the same story. And because they released figures that looked like this:

But this new start looks very, very promising. All three stories had great writing and amazing art and after each teaser I found myself saying, “I want to read more of this! This will make me happy!” I haven’t kept up with any Joe continuity, but at this point I don’t have to! It’s all new! It’s perfect for me, despite breaking some of my major rules:

1) I don’t like war comics/movies/stories/shadowplays/flipbooks, etc.
2) I don’t like series that start out with an enormous cast of characters
3) I don’t like jumping onto a series that has an extremely rabid fanbase stretching back two decades
4) I generally stay away from books based on toy lines (see also “Centurions”. Dear God, why do I even have that issue bagged and boarded? I got it in a sampler pack.)

But for the first time since little 7-year old Ethan purchased his first GI Joe figure, I’m excited about picking up more GI Joe stuff. The issue #0 was that good. And I recommend it highly to anyone who’s intrigued by GI Joe but has been on the fence about learning more at you local library.

Now don’t drop the ball on this one, IDW. I’m trusting you.

Buuuuuut, here’s more fun and enjoyment. You see, Halloween is right around the corner, and that means costumes. I haven’t chosen mine yet, or even if I’ll have an occasion to wear one, but it doesn’t stop me from looking. How can I not, with pop-up ads launching at every comic-themed webpage I visit? Here are a few I found this morning.

I don’t see this Joker as being that scary. In fact, I think of him more as a talk show host giving a monologue. Sure, his face is a little bobble-headed, and his mouth is a little tiny, but he’s more or less Leno. They’ve taken a truly horrifying character and turned it into…well, they cleaned him up. Purple lab jacket and green vest do not a Joker make.

The Scarecrow costume from the Warner Brothers store doesn’t fare much better. The smock is a little too nice, although they did a good job with the asylum straps. But the face? Is he Booger Head Scarecrow? Is it a leftover Star Wars mask? How do you get Scarecrow out of that? Maybe they had to clear out their stock of “Last Starfighter” masks and figured they could unload them on Bat-fans.

That’s the Last Starfighter dude. Not 100%, but way more accurate than the Scarecrow mask that, if memory serves, is supposed to be made of fabric.

Wanna know where you’ve seen Sonic Troopers before? 4th-rate costume catalogues. They are the generic versions of Power Rangers for kids who aren’t that into details. Any kid would look at these and say, “Dear God, this is a pile of rip-off s***.” I did an internet search for Sonic Troopers and the only things that came up were more costume sites offering the same knock-off crap. The scary part is that these would be perfectly acceptable costumes for a Japanese TV show. I wouldn’t be shocked if I saw these on japanese TV as some new superhero squad. As an aside, I’d like a street gang to name themselves the Sonic Troopers, kill and rape a few dozen people, then destroy a building. Then, out-of-touch grandmothers could buy their grandkids these costumes and say “oh, it’s a Sonic Trooper costume, honey,” and cause controversy.

Hey kids! Love that great movie Jurassic Park? Sure, it came out before your parents were married and you may have been absolutely frightened while watching it, but didn’t you love the triceratops? You remember, it was the dinosaur that was sick and didn’t get up and move or anything. You remember that, right? Well, here’s a costume that’s tangentially related to that movie! It’s…well, it’s a nifty triceratops mask! And pajamas with a triceratops on it! Mostly blue, not much triceratops, but it still qualifies as a costume! Mostly just the mask part. An absolute must for out-of-touch grandparents.

There’s little to be said about this Batman costume, other than he looks sad. His ears are shrunken, his nose is awkwardly pointy, and his face isn’t angry or menacing, it’s more of a “poor me” expression. Poor Batman. You look like a damn fool.

And there’s Muppet costumes too! Here’s Animal! Yes, the out-of-control drummer for the Electric Mayhem is faithfully rendered into a costume for your child by someone who has not seen an episode of the Muppets in their lives and designed the costume based on someone’s description over the phone. More or less looks like Elmo with squinty eyes, an underbite, and a unibrow. Any kid would love to wear this costume, especially if they love being stuffed in lockers and forced to eat dog poop.

But there’s not much that’s going to beat Fozzie Bear, who looks like he’s been drunk for the better part of the week. The nose is huge and red, the eyes are shifty and the wrong shade of purple, and your child will be emerging from Fozzie’s larynx. Here’s a photo of the real Fozzie for comparison:

Notice that his mouth isn’t a small red line, and that his fingers aren’t black. This costume is probably unlicensed, since the Henson company actually have some pride in their creations. Drunk Fozzie would not have passed muster.

This sign was all over the parks. It translates to “please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times,” but I felt that it was more like, “do not have a wild, awesome party inside the car. You and your kid. No party.”

The Muppets got bought up by Disney sometime in the early 90’s, so they have their own little corner of Disney World. Specifically, they have their own 3-D movie at Hollywood Studios (I did not have a fun time there, but that’s a story for another time). It’s kinda sad, the once-great Muppet empire reduced to half of a Disney gift shop, but they did get some of their own stuff for sale. Nothing unique, nothing that I picked up, but once you see what was for sale, you can understand why my wallet didn’t open.

When Kermit is decapitated, he doesn’t die. His head grows tentacles like some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare. He is evil in this form.

Kermit also suffers from an infectious gum disease, not helped by the fact that he has no teeth. It’s nasty and rotted in there. Beaker, on the other hand, is just bleeding from the mouth. It’s sad, the dental problems of Muppets these days.

What the hell is wrong with that kid? Aside from everything?

First off, the head’s insane. The human body is about 7x the length of the head, meaning it would take seven of your heads to equal the size of your body. A helpful guide:

This boy’s body is about 5 head lengths tall, making him a dwarf. I don’t believe that Cat Grant’s son being a dwarf was ever brought up in Superman comics, especially since every dwarf in comics either has magic powers (Mr. Mxyzptlk, Bat-mite) or smokes cigars (Oberon, Lord Emp). But that ain’t all, Superman’s hand is larger than the kid’s head is (he could palm it like a basketball, easy). My hands are about average size, 7 inches tip to wrist, which is about the size of a child’s head, give or take a few centimeters. Superman’s thumb is roughly the same size as the distance from the kid’s eye to his ear. This kid may have a big head for his body, but he’s got a tiny head to begin with.

There’s also loads wrong with the kid’s arms. Call it foreshortening all you want, it’s really just bad, Liefeld-esque art. Despite his shoulders being mostly even, he’s missing a few inches of his right arm. They might have something to do with the child’s missing wrists, I’m not sure. The left arm is just a mess. Normally, a person’s arm and hand extend to the top of the thigh. This boy is a major exception, his wrist beginning where a normal person’s hand would end. His right, baby arm is actually more in line with anatomy than his left. Elephant Man time!

The torso and the butt are disasters of Katrina-proportions (although I hesitate to use the word “proportions”, since they’re not really being used in this drawing). The boy has his torso and head drastically facing the left while his hips are pointing to the right (as evidenced by his knees bending that way). This is not a normal way for a person to turn, as the body would probably snap back to center, especially if being held aloft by someone else. The butt is either lumpy (big wallet for a small kid), or just uneven. If there was foreshortening on the left left, indicating it was bent, there would actually be less butt shown since that would have been extended forward. Say nothing of the fact that the boy’s wearing pink pants with cuffs and a red belt.

The legs are their own separate Dresden of ink and paint. The calfs are of equal length or longer than the thighs, or in the case of the one on the left, smaller than the kid’s forearm. Whereas a normal leg is 4 heads high (see the diagram again), Cat Grant’s son’s are only 2, maybe 2.5 if you’re being nice with the right one. the foot is as long as the calf. And the icing on the cake is that the kid has two right feet. Look at the curve of the shoes and tell me that he doesn’t. I dare you.

The less said about Supes the better. Of more interest is the way that Toyman is holding the knife. The thumb position is all off, the thumb only runs that perpendicular to the fingers when making a fist, not when holding a cylindrical object. If it’s holding anything In fact, the knife handle is so large that he’s only holding it with the tips of his fingers. He very well could drop it if he swung his arm around with any force. Oh, and the face on the handle doesn’t match the perspective of the blade. This might have been the way the knife was produced, as the face doesn’t have to line up with the blade at all, but it would make for a nicer knife.

So I ask again. What the hell happened? The kid got stabbed, not carved apart and sewn back together again in the dark. Who let this cover go through? It’s so many disasters, I wouldn’t even begin to know which was the worst offender.

Foul, I say, foul.

Believe it or not, there is a mascot that is actually more bizarre than Monty Mole, the cartoon mole that was created for the benefit of “National Mole Day”. For those of you with no love for insanely geeky science whathaveyous, National Mole Day is the contrived holiday that celebrates a unit of measurement, the mole. It’s about 500x less appropriate than Christmas in July and 1000x less appropriate than National Puppetry Week.

But Eneman…he’s something special.

He IS a 6-ft tall walking enema.

He IS the mascot of Fleet Enemas.

He IS a frequent guest of gastrology conventions.

He IS NOT a Saturday morning cartoon character yet, although I believe there is a God.

The concept of an enema mascot is brilliant. Disturbing, but brilliant. Once you’ve gone that far, go there with pride. An enema isn’t the most accessible thing to the world, since the majority of the world (old women in restaurants aside) don’t talk about their butt health, but you know, once you’ve made your enema walk and talk, you’ve climbed the highest mountain. Sell them enemas!

If you’re in the medical profession, you probably know a ton about Fleet enema’s Eneman. Also, if you’re a medical professional you have severe problems if you’re reading my blog, and I suggest you remove yourself from any hospital I go to. But those in the know are aware that Eneman has graced numerous calendars, hospital scrubs, Christmas ornaments, and even beanie babies.

Doctors love Eneman. And I love Eneman. I think he’s a brilliant concept, a successful marketing tool used by one of the industry leaders, and something so off-the-wall that one cannot help but laugh.

Also, I posed as Eneman for the 2007 Eneman calendar.

Trust me, the photograph has not been retouched.

A conversation, between me and my friend Jeff:

Jeffrey: …then what happens?!
You can’t just trail off mid sentence!

Ethan: They got bored and wandered off

Jeffrey: What about Louis Silk’s man friend?

Ethan: Superman and his lover, Louis Silk.
what the hell?

Jeffrey: Louis Silk = Matches Malone

Ethan: GASP! That’s Batman’s shameful secret!

Without going into too much detail, don’t you think it bears a striking resemblance to Mystery Science Theater 3000 host Joel Hodgson?

Just a thought, to get you through today.

Doug Jones, from Hellboy I & II, Fantastic Four II, and the Halloween favorite Hocus Pocus was in attendence, with the longest line of the con.

Super nice guy, I got to talk to him about his work and can say nothing but good things. Jason Mewes, “Jay” from the Kevin Smith films was there too, but I didn’t say hi. I don’t know why I didn’t say hi and had to snap a paparazzi-style photo instead.

And the Village People cowboy! Can’t stop the music!

And Cyclops even did his awesome pop and lock routine!

The big guest of the day was Malcolm McDowell, star of A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek: Generations, Time After Time, and now appears on Heroes. He is a charming man, very gracious and subdued, and I wasn’t afraid to admit I’d dressed as Alex for Halloween when I was in high school. Picture was taken.

One of the Applehead guys and I talked at NYCC two years ago and I like keeping up with what’s going on with the company. They’re pursuing a new zombie license to go with their new Vegan Zombie line (which looks hella cool, but was not in attendance for me to snap a photo). They did, however, have the 8″ Ned Kelly bear, which was an exclusive sold on a historic Pennsylvania prison’s Halloween tour.

Teddy Scares!

Sadly, there were other toys.

Belt buckles! Not the most conspicuous of items, at all. And I’m sure that when you’re getting down to it with a lady and she sees your 3-inch, blocky Darth Maul buckle, you’re in for a night of fun and games. Alone, with your XBox.

Oh, and there was this thing. I have no idea what it is, but it’s Star Wars, so it’s attractive to the aforementioned large guys with fanny packs. It might be a laundry hamper, but I’ll be damned if I can say that positively. But it’s Star Wars! Buy buy buy!

On the other side of the fence, there was this display of Heath Ledger shirts. The best Dark Knight shirt I’ve seen so far, and there was a wall of them!

The folks from The Comicbook Artist’s Guild were at the con.

Pictured are Lindsay Kraemer and Stephanie O’Donnell who were both panelists at the “Women in Comics” panel. The CAG hooks artists up with writers, editors with writers, artists with publishers, and all manner of combinations thereof. Good deal, I think I might be joining them for the $25 fee! Go CAG!