WTF, Star Wars?

I stumbled across this little gem on a comic site. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR STAR WARS?

- Chewbacca looks like a dog. A shaggy dog. An ugly dog with eyes that are spread way too far apart. I’m not exactly sure what Chewbacca was supposed to represent in the films, if he was a bear/man hybrid or a dog/man hybrid or just a dude covered in hair, but he wasn’t supposed to look that much like a dog with huge hands. Oh, and his eyebrows are out of f-ing control and need to be slashed and burned.

- C3P0 looks, well, gay. A lot has been made of how the droids are gay for each other, mostly because of C3P0’s prissy fussing over R2-D2 and his whining when the two of them are separated. I didn’t believe this was the case for years. Droids? Gay? That’s illogical. Prissy? Sure. British? Sure. A tad effeminite? Sure. But gay? Nah, not those droids. But then I watched the movies again, all in a row, and holy shizzit, it leaps off the screen like Andy Dick riding a unicorn, a unicorn that’s wearing a pride shirt. This cover, showing the limp-wristed robot, just hammers another space nail in the space coffin.

- Han Solo doesn’t change his clothes. Ever.

- Luke is wearing…um…a cut-off shirt with buttons. With the collar popped. Nowadays an editor would stomp on that like Godzilla kills Tokyo, but in the 80’s I suspect that more people not involved with leather bars were wearing this and it slipped by. Oh, and his right thigh is twice as big as his left, making him some hobbling freak Jedi with hair that’s scarily like mine.

- What the hell is the one-legged insect thing on the right of the cover? Not in any Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen. Big cartoony eyes wouldn’t have gotten the thumbs up from Lucas, although when you see the cantina patrons in the Star Wars Christmas Special, you realize that a lot of lousy work was done on these films. Gone are the days of scary Darth Vader, the sadistic Emperor, and the intriguing Boba Fett. Say hello to…one-legged insect thing wearing khakis and striped shirt, with goose-neck microphone sticking out of his head and a bad toupee.

-Rabbits? RABBITS? Ha ha, there’s no need for space rabbits mixed into my Star Wars. They’re cute, but they don’t belong. Our heroes go from strangling Jabba the Hutt and slicing off their dad’s hands to herding fucking space rabbits? Why wasn’t this addressed in the prequels? Did everyone just forget about the adorable space rabbits?

-They streamlined R2-D2? Remember all those knobs and buttons on R2-D2? Well, they’re hard to draw, so sometimes artists just eliminate them and make R2 look like a giant white pill on stilts. Sometimes, they even do this on the cover.

- When did Lando Calrissian become the Cesar Romero of space? This is the one that had me scratching my head. What the hell happened, Billy Dee? What writer made you into a cigar-chomping guy in a cravat, airplane collar, and French cuffs that gets held by a wookie? Why are you wearing purple and green with black pants? Why is your hair blue? WHAT HAPPENED TO LANDO?

Luckily, this was the last issue. I can only imagine the horrors that would have followed if these mistakes were allowed to live.

I’ve been had!

Years ago, I fancied myself a lover of classic rock. It was in the mid-90’s, when Woodstock ‘94 was happening and everyone was getting into ’60s groups all over again (Country Joe and the Fish. Seriously). I was all into the Doors and the Beatles and Tull and the Mamas and the Papas and (especially) the Who, but I also had this crazy need to collect things, which explains the state of my apartment today.

An antique store had opened in downtown Easton and it was full of all kinds of glorious mysteries, like ’50s men’s magazines and signs that said “whites only” and other fun stuff that a kid can enjoy when he has an afternoon off and he can get a ride to downtown. And since I liked the Beatles, I asked the owner if he had any Beatles stuff. No, he said. Well, if you get any, can you give me a call? Sure. Oh wait, we do have something. Here, this doll is George Harrison.

Notice that the box says “New Kids on the Block.”

Also, consider that “George” was out of the box. No box in sight. So I paid $20 for “George Harrison”. He kind of looks like later George Harrison. Except he’s really Jordan Knight from NKOTB.

So flash forward to today, 2009. I STILL have “George Harrison” on my bookshelf. I know full well it’s Jordan Knight, but I always have a laugh explaining that it’s George Harrison to people, most of whom realize it’s Jordan Knight.

The antique store closed. Pretty soon after I went away to college. I guess the $20 they ripped off of me couldn’t save them from going under. I hope their children hate them.

The moral of the story? ALWAYS KNOW YOUR DEALER.

Nobody’s Hero

Taking a break from Disney love, here is a cap that you can buy for only $10 on the streets of Brooklyn. Spidek-Man might be a big hero where you come from, hat, but around here he ain’t worth $10.

Ass-End of Disney Part 2

Enjoy the first five entries into the Disney Hall of “Wha?” Nothing odder than a large, bearded Italian man who wants to hug your kids. But did you think that those 5 were the weirdest of the costumes? You ain’t seen nothing yet!

Clara Cluck
Various Disney Projects
If you don’t recognize Clara Cluck, don’t be alarmed. It only means one thing: You’re not 80 years old. Clara is old school Disney, ie before your parents’ time. She’s presented as an opera diva most of the time, something that even fewer kids nowadays comprehend. Opera ain’t that popular with the younger set. But hey, why not have her walk around Toon Town and sign autographs? Like those has-beens who show up with their tables and headshots at comic conventions, Clara Cluck hustles for whatever attention she can get from park attendees. Guarantee you that no child has any inkling of Clara’s history, so get ready to say, “Whoah, when did I get my picture taken next to this big chicken?” when you go through the scrapbooks.

Horace Horsecollar
Various Disney Projects
I’m partial to Horace Horsecollar, mostly because I had some old books when I was a kid and he was in them. That makes me possibly one of his biggest fans, as I satisfy their only criterion, “remembering him without malice.” Unless you have a really savvy 8-year old, and I’m talking “reads the New Yorker, listens (and understands) Firesign Theater, enjoys art galleries instead of making things out of earth and dirt” savvy, your kid is going to be frightened of Horace. It’s telling though that Disney has these properties that they fully own to exploit and yet they do nothing with them. Sure, there were those two Mickey Mouse TV shows, but why not really beef up the old characters? Why not put them into a movie together? Kids learn everything form movies these days, so what do they have to lose in making a film with the old characters? And why do I sound like an old man? “Build more houses by the golf course? Psh, my taxes will go up!”

Clarice
Chip and Dale Cartoons
“Are the lambs still screaming, Clarice?” If they’re screaming, “WHO ARE YOU? ANSWER ME!” then yes, they are still screaming. Chip and Dale were pretty popular characters, but their “girlfriend” Clarice didn’t have the staying power to make it into the Rescue Rangers. I pity the poor girl (or fragile, skinny guy) who has to put this thing on and try to exude sexuality in the Florida heat, standing next to a puddle of pee. Kids will inevitably go home and question their sexual mores, when they are approached by a vivacious, hairy, former quadraped in a a cocktail dress. In fact, I’m not sure how many know this isn’t Chip in women’s clothing.

Friar Tuck
Robin Hood
Friar Tuck is one of those costumes that Disney cast members put on when all the good costumes are taken. Really hot out? Take the Smee costume, it’s lightweight and breathes well. Feel like mixing it up with kids? Mickey Mouse is a surefire draw. Want to get pawed at by dads who think they’re just being “goofy?” Get the Clarice out of mothballs. None of these options are viable? Wellllllll….we have this old war horse from 1973. Friar Tuck was never anyone’s favorite character, unless they were really into Andy Devine, the cowboy star who did his voice in the film. Fact is, he’s not memorable, much like the Robin Hood movie itself. My apologies to anyone who’s had to wear this sweat box, but next time put that “reserved” sticker on Chicken Little.

Stanley
Disney Playhouse’s Stanley
I know nothing about this character or show, so I don’t know how popular he is. The only reason I included it was because as I was searching through websites tracking down pictures, Stanley was the only one with a hyperlink on his name. When I clicked on it, it took me to a carpet dealer (and installer!) out of Utah.

B.E.N.
Treasure Planet
I think more kids have seen cartoons with Horace Horsecollar than saw Treasure Planet. It’s a pretty standard C-list Disney picture, nothing to write home about. In fact, I forgot it existed until I had to look up what the hell movie B.E.N. was from. He’s a perfect example of an optimistic Disney marketing team putting a costume together for an upcoming movie, then realizing that no one saw the movie and no one knows who the character is. The train of thought probably went something like, “Oh, kids will totally love B.E.N., the wacky, lovable, robot sidekick with no eyes” to “Kids aren’t getting B.E.N. at all” to “Let’s see if we can salvage some of that fabric for another project.”

More to come!

Ass-End of Disney Part 1

Folks, I’m gonna level with you. I love Disney. I love the theme parks, I love the cartoons, I love the mythology, I love the fact that it wants to dominate all culture by the next century. I’m fine with that. Disney = teh good.

Now, if you go to the theme parks, you’ll see the characters, the folks dressed up in the large headed-costumes sweating in the Florida heat. They’re a major part of it, kids really get a thrill out of it and I enjoy knowing that they’re college interns who probably aren’t smiling under there. If you check out my facebook page, there are some pics of me posing with a few of them (Facebook me! OMG! Ethan Kaye!).

So you’ve got your Mickeys, your Minnies, your Donalds, your Goofys, and your Toy Story heroes. They’re all over the place (except for the first two times I went to the park, I was lucky to see one Smee). They’re the popular heroes and villains that have proved time and again to be major draws for the Disney corp. But what about the…others?

Yes, believe or not, not all the costumed characters have been successes. A movie flops and the expensive suit (they can run up to $6K an outfit) gets tossed into a closet. Or sometimes the nostalgia of the character is overestimated. Remember the Walrus from the “Walrus and the Carpenter” scene in Alice in Wonderland? He’s in the movie for less than 5 minutes. They made a costume of him. Approximately 95% of guests have no clue who he is, but they made a costume of him and he walks around signing autographs.

So, I present to you a multi-part examination of some of the “other” Disney costumed characters. Not your Mickeys, not your Minnies, but your bottom of the barrel Disney leftovers. Enjoy!

Stromboli
Pinocchio
OK, Stromboli is generally not the first character who springs to mind when you think of “fun memories for kids about Pinocchio.” He’s the exploitative showman who forces Pinocchio to dance. Remember the “got no strings” song? It’s peppy, catchy, and about how Pinocchio is a slave to the forces of entertainment. If the Disney World Stromboli doesn’t have to face his inner demons every time he encounters kids, then the costume is only half done. Stromboli must be thinking about how he can exploit the tourist children at every opportunity! He should be drinking their beverages from their collectible mugs and molesting their moms! He’s not just a cuddly showman, he’s a larger-than-life machine! He’s Michael Douglas in Wall Street, he’s Al Pacino in Scarface, he’s Christopher Walken in King of New York. This guy’s got an angle, and he’s not afraid to kidnap a kid to make it happen. But hey, signing autographs is a steady side gig. Watch your cash around this one.

Mademoiselle Upanova
Fantasia
I like Fantasia. It was great to make out to in high school, since you can’t lose any plot by looking away, it’s all audio. So this ostrich was the “lead” in the segment “Dance of the Hours.” She was identified in no way, shape, or form in the film as “Mademoiselle Upanova” (I just got the pun, ha ha), but take our word for it, that’s who she is. Wizard Magazine doesn’t lie about anthropomorphic ostriches. The interesting part is that Fantasia, although it is one of Disney’s greatest films, is not a huge hit with kids. Sure, it’ll keep their attention with the Sorcerer’s Apprentice part, but everything else is like watching a ballet, and kids don’t have that kind of patience. So getting them to remember the dancing ostrich…that’s assuming a lot. How many parents said, “Oh honey, get your picture next to the bird!” and “It’s like Big Bird!”? More than you think.

Hyacinth Hippo
Fantasia
Another minor Fantasia character. It’s pretty obvious who got chosen and who didn’t: goofy animals = awesome, topless centaurs, demons on mountains, sorcerers, and dying dinosaurs = no costume for you. If I did drugs, I suspect I’d have bought the DVD by now, but as I don’t I still haven’t found a reason to purchase it. Hyacinth, sadly, does not bear the same mark of quality of most of the Disney World costumes. She doesn’t have that star quality of the Hyacinth of the cartoon and looks more or less like an off-the-shelf, run-of-the-mill pink hippo costume. Is it any wonder she doesn’t sign autographs?

Abby Mallard
Chicken Little

Kids, why don’t you want to go back to Disney World? Oh right, that duck thing that scared you so much you peed on your shoes. This costume could have done with about 40% less eyes. In fact, if I hadn’t seen it was a duck, I would have assumed it was some sort of deep sea tubeworm with features. And DON’T tell me you don’t see that now when you look at it. Tubeworm with a face. I haven’t seen Chicken Little, but I can safely assume that Abby Mallard doesn’t go through the film being surprised by every little thing she comes across. I cannot safely say that she sleeps at all through the film, so a lack of sleep might be a cause of this.

Marie
The Aristocats
So there’s a mother, a father, two kids, a grandmother, and a cat named Marie. They walk into a talent agency and the dad says to the agent, “We have an awesome act for you!” and the agent says, “Well, we don’t usually do family acts.” and the dad says, “Well, just wait ’till you see this!” And then he STOP. AWFUL THINGS HAPPEN. DISGUSTING THINGS HAPPEN. DO NOT IMAGINE THEM. THEY INVOLVE BODY FLUIDS AND THINGS THAT ARE ILLEGAL. TO FAMILY MEMBERS. Then the astonished agent wipes off his face and says, shakily, “What the hell…do you call…that…” and the dad proudly says, “THE ARISTOCATS!” Anyhoodles, Marie is the only character I’ve seen from the film The Aristocats out and about at the park. She is hopelessly alone in her wanderings, removed from context and transformed into a target for furries. She’s a woman in a slinky cat costume. You think she’s not giving the guy who dressed up as a sheep in his spare time a sweating fit? Bad idea all-around.

More to come!

Win: MAD, Loss: CNN

While sitting in the airport today, on my way to Chicago, I couldn’t help but hear the CNN they have blaring through the terminal. They were doing a story on MAD Magazine’s 500th issue, which is awesome. I have a collection of MAD Magazines that’s taller than I was when I first started buying it in 1988 (I have since dropped the title when it went color and quarterly), so I’m a fan of the work.

CNN, must not be familiar with the book, as the news anchor, a ditzy, ditzy woman, started off the report by saying, “As Alfred E. Newman would say, ‘What? MAD? Why worry?’”

Ugh. A few minutes later the weatherman made a joke about “putting the lotion in the basket” and this wonderful anchorwoman didn’t know what he was talking about.

Another comic book anatomy lesson

Captain America, as you may have read, is a shining symbol of American patriotism, liberty, and can-do fighting spirit. Except in the 90’s, when he was a hulking mass of badly-drawn muscles and bright, circus-y colors. I give you, Captain America #431.

Oh, oh, oh, there is so much wrong with this cover, it hurts.

Ignoring the elephant in the room of anatomy for a second, I turn your attention to the coloring. A red, white, and blue character on top of a red, white, and blue background. You could have used different intensities to show contrast but no, both the Free Spirit and the flag come out looking like they’ve gone one too many rounds in the washing machine. Additionally, there is a ncie color error (right on the cover!) next to Free Spirit’s right boot. Yup, the sky is blue, but just for that one sliver.

The US flag doesn’t have enough stars on it. Look it again. Now look at an actual US flag:

How many stars does it have going up the left side? Yup. Someone just threw some stars on a flag without caring. To make matters worse, it doesn’t even have the right number of stripes (5 below the blue field as opposed to the correct number, 6). As we can see by the right side of the flag, there are only 9 stripes. We’re missing some stars and bars here.

Then we get to the meat n’ potatoes of the cover, Free Spirit herself.

Take a look at the part of her hair.

Real hair doesn’t part like that, mainly because most people’s scalps flatten off at the top of the skull, rather than extending up and to the right. If the back of her head was being blown off with a bullet or something, that might explain the weird rising on the back of her head, but I don’t think that’s the case. Hair doesn’t work that way.

For that matter, neither do breasts. Without the aid of a bra, those gentlemen should not be positioned the way that they are. One seems to be ascending, the other descending. Neither looks natural for a woman standing still on a chimney.

“Standing,” being the operative word there. There really is very little of this oddly-shaped woman actually touching the chimney. She’s on there by a tip of a toe and (presumably) some fingers. You have to wonder what the hell happened to her spine? because she seems to have an extra-flexible vertebra that allows her to actual bend 90 degrees apart from her hips. For her to be in this position, she would have to have a completely hourglass figure, and I mean a waist as skinny as the middle of an hourglass with shoulders and hips as wide as the ends of an hourglass. You can imagine it once you see her butt. Her hips are just too tall to be human hips. Whereas normal human beings have hips in a general oblong, rectangular shape, Free Spirit has hers in sort of a square.

Now the legs. NO NO NO. BAD. NO. DO NOT TOUCH. Each leg is an alphabet of woe. Her right leg (on our left), extends from the groin (the lower groin, without getting into female anatomy parts), and not from the hip socket. In fact, the hip socket is a good three inches above where the leg extends from. Her left leg (on our right), WTF? This girl is shown head-on and we suddenly get a leg in full profile. What this means is: SOMEONE BROKE HER LEG OFF AT THE HIP AND IT’S JUST HANGING THERE, A VICTIM OF GRAVITY. It even looks like the foot is turning inwards, which means that this superheroine is 100% pigeon-toed.

On second look, Free Spirit seems to have an extra joint in her hips. Bear with me now. In humans, the hips begin to get wider because there is a ball joint protruding from the pelvis. In illustration:

The femur in the cover does seem to have that ball joint, and you can see the beginning of the slope forming where the lower scarf-thing begins. Then the femur is rudely broken a few inches down at an almost 90 degree angle. To add insult to injury, the left calf is longer than the femur. BAD. NO. FAIL.

And this was the COVER to the issue! This is the thing that would have gone through the most quality control since this was what was being used to sell the book! Printing errors, anatomical errors, and a flag that is obviously not of our country…was editorial having a sick day when this went through? Sadly, yes, I could do a whole series of these anatomy lessons with the output of the later Captain America series.

Is this the next sentinel of liberty? God, I hope not. (She wasn’t)

Another anatomy lesson

I wish I could draw. Seriously, I wish I could put pen to paper and come up with an amazing figure drawing right off the top of my head. That way I could whip out my sketchpad, run through a couple of sketches, and then throw them up on eBay (and yes, I mean “throw up” in many different ways) for cash.

See, I collect original comic art, whether it be original pages or artist sketches, and eBay is a pretty good place to see what’s available. But for every great page from Action Comics, there’s going to be numerous sketch cards of big breasted women drawn by someone who just like drawing big breasted women. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, they wear a costume, so it then becomes fetishizing a comic character into a comic character who possesses insane anatomy. Just today, in fact, I ran across a couple.

WARNING!

There’s going to be girls here with big boobies and I may have to talk frankly about them. It’s a family blog, but I figure I should warn you that I’m going to be talking about something that 50% of the population of the world has, but we’re not supposed to discuss in the US.

Let’s start out with someone simple. Power Girl. She’s a character who’s actually known for having large breasts, and that’s fine. It just takes that little extra effort to show her holding them, naked, while still wearing a cape. It’s what people want to see, the artist assumes. It’s going that extra mile to do a mediocre sketch of it then selling a print of it on eBay that makes it that much sexier.

Supergirl is…well, I’d have to be convinced that this is Supergirl, and not some underwear model that the artist sketched and then put a T-shirt on. You’d need a pretty long PowerPoint slide deck to convince me that the artist thought of Supergirl first, before he saw the underwear model.

White Queen? Really? This is the White Queen from X-Men and not a fantasy blonde from an artist with mommy issues? If you had asked me who this was, just by first look, I guarantee you that “White Queen” would not have been in my first 40 answers. Now that I look closer, she’s got the “X” logo, which I can almost guarantee is an afterthought. And not to be a continuity nerd, but when did White Queen ever look like this? When did she have boobs that you’d need a crane to lift? Oh, this is also a print, so more than 1 of them exist. For $8.50. If I was going to spend money on art, I’d make sure the eyes match up. It’s the little things that make a difference.

Remember that scene where Carrie-Anne Moss walked around topless in the Matrix sequels? You probably don’t, because you only saw those films once, in the theater, because you felt like you had to complete the series, even though you knew they wouldn’t be as good as the first one. I understand, I don’t remember a lot from those films either, since I just saw them that once, all those years ago. But I guarantee you she spent half the movie dressed like this, whichever one it was.

Wait, a quick google search says that I’m lying. This scene never happened.

Oh I get it now, the artists and the purchasers wish they could have sex with imaginary people, but they can’t, so they do these! Duh! I guess “sexy” means different things to different people, and I tend to like my women with correct anatomical proportions. This is supposed to be Mary Jane from the Spider-Man comics. How can you tell? She’s wearing a Spider-Man shirt. Like Mary Jane did so many times in the books. I assume that Kyra Sedgewick wears Kevin Bacon shirts all the time too. What cracks me up is that the seller claims that he has to sell some of his art and ” it breaks my heart to part with this piece.” Dude, any number of high school kids could draw this again for you.

This is supposed to be Jessica Rabbit. You know, from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.” Strangely, but trying to make her more sexy, he’s succeeded in making her absolutely hideous.

Phantom Lady, in the hands of an expert penciller, has the ability to look amazing. Sadly, that’s not what happened here, with her lopsided chest and strange insect eyes. The buy it now price is $10, but since it’s anonymous bidding, you get to keep a little of your pride.

So please, gentle readers, don’t go down this path and look for the 100’s of Wonder Women and Vampirellas that exist on the wilds of eBay. I did the looking so you didn’t have to. And artists? You wonder why you’re not hired to do more comic books? Just step back and reevaluate a bit. That’s all I’m sayin’.

This week in Netflix: 99

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

99

A college playboy needs just one more conquest to win a bet that he could sleep with 100 women before he graduates — but sealing the deal could be difficult with only hours to go and 99 babes roaming campus looking for revenge. Meanwhile, a classmate and recreational drug enthusiast risks forfeiting his inheritance unless he can steal back his tainted urine sample. Jereme Badger and Bobby Campo star in this comic romp from director Pete Guzzo.

Yes, this movie’s called “99″. And yes it has two conflicting plots about racing against time for you to focus on. And yes, it got less than 2 stars out of a possible 5. Happily, aside from student films and shorts, this is the highest rated of Pete Guzzo’s films on IMDB.com.

Neither plot is particularly intriguing, with the second one particularly sucking. I have always hated “race against time” movies and the race to deliver clean urine…well, that’s not getting my time. According to the IMDB plot synopsis, the “inheritance” is a bar. I don’t see a conflict of interest here, as many bartenders (and especially owners) couldn’t pass a drug test even if they replaced their plasma with Evian. But that’s our conflict, ladies and gents, and we’re stuck with it.

The person who left him the bar must not have known him very well, which begs the question: “WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT HAS TO BE?” The only times when people do retarded things like this is in movies. “I’ll give you all this money, but only if you…” There has to be a legal precedent where the lawyer just says, “You know what? Screw what the old bat wants. He’s dead and in an urn. Take what you want. You don’t have to do something dumb like finish college in 30 days or eat chicken every day for a year. Just take this sack of dough.”

The first plot is a smidge better, but watching an obviously uncaring, slutty womanizer get chased around campus by 99 women he seduced and abandoned is just sexist, mysogynistic, and boring. I’d be more apt to watch 10 minutes of that and then 50 minutes of him being tortured to death while listening to L7. And although I haven’t seen this film, I predict there’s at least one scene where he gets slapped by a girl. If it were an 80’s film, I’d also expect the main character to get hit in the crotch and have his eyes go crossed.

So I guess here’s the conflict. If the school is so small that a gang of 100 people can’t find one dude (and let’s face it, there’s always a place to hide on a college campus), he can’t seduce and potentially emotionally scar another college girl. We’re expected to side with this guy. “But…but…if he’s forced to hide, then he can’t keep doing the awful stuff he was doing before! And he loses a bet!”

My advice? You just had sex with 99 women over the course of 4 years. Unless you have the opportunity to win a solid gold unicorn that farts South Park DVDs while singing lost Beatles songs, forget the bet. You’ve already won.

The Stories Behind the New York Comic Con Costumes

(5 months before the Con)
ARTHUR: This year…this year, I’m going to do it. I’m going to make a kick-ass costume that’s going to be the pride of the New York Comic Con. I’m going to do this awesome Mojo costume with my amazing art school skills. It’s going to have all kinds of wires and latex rubber attachments to it but it’ll be lightweight so I can walk with it. It’s going to be amazing!

(Mojo)

LUKE: That’s pretty ambitious, Arthur. You sure you can do this?

ARTHUR: Definitely. I’m majoring in sculpture, right? I can put this together in no time.

(4 months before the Con)
ARTHUR: Jeez, my workload is huge this semester.

LUKE: Told you, man. Sophomore year is where it starts to get real.

ARTHUR: I should totally get working on my Con costume. Mojo’s going to take a while. But I’m so busy doing my art that I have no time.

LUKE: To be fair, Art, your art doesn’t take that much time. It’s mostly just you peeing on religious iconography that you buy at the thrift store.

ARTHUR: I’ll have you know that my performance sculpture art takes hours and days of contemplation before I can unveil it.

LUKE: But buying statues of the Virgin Mary takes all of 15 minutes, including the train ride to the thrift store. Setting it up in the gallery is like another 20 and then peeing on it…well, how long does that take?

ARTHUR: My record is 42 seconds.

LUKE: So by my estimation, you spend more time not doing art than doing it. You could have made 3 Mojo costumes in the last month.

ARTHUR: But I simply agonize over every purchase, that’s what makes it art! Ugh, I’ll never get to make the costume at this rate.

(3 months before the Con)
LUKE: How’s that Mojo costume coming?

ARTHUR: Oh that? I’ll get to it later. I’m working on a new conceptual piece. I’ll stand outside of Central Park and just hit a wood block for an hour a day while reciting Hindu love poems.

LUKE: That’s art?

ARTHUR: I get a grade for it.

LUKE: What happened to peeing on statues?

ARTHUR: Turns out someone did it last year as his senior thesis. I’m going Hindu now.

LUKE: I think you need to work on your costume, wash off that mascara, and start getting a life.

ARTHUR: It’s art, Luke. It takes time to find all those Hindu love poems. Also, I’ve lost like three wood blocks because I’ve forgotten them on the subway.

(2 months before the Con)
LUKE: How was it in there?

ARTHUR: Terrible. I didn’t get my phone call until a day later, and some guy “claimed” the only toilet in the cell and we had to “pay” him for the privilege to use it. It was horrible.

LUKE: Shouldn’t have been throwing Ziplock bags of your blood at pedestrians, Art. That gets you sent to jail.

ARTHUR: That was a statement! About our dependence on foreign oil!

LUKE: I think you should take some time off. Just do some sketches or some wood carving for a while.

ARTHUR: I know, I’ll work on my Mojo costume! Right after I watch this conceptual art video from this Danish director.

(1 week before the Con)
ARTHUR: Whew, that was a long video. ACK! I don’t have time to make my Mojo costume! Crap! I’m screwed! What am I going to wear to the Con? I’m going to go as just…some dude! I can’t do that to my art!

LUKE: Hey Arthur, want to play Castle Crashers on XBox?

ARTHUR: THAT’S IT! WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA! I’ll make one of those my costume?

LUKE: You haven’t done any real art in a while, Luke, you sure you can do that?

ARTHUR: Sure! I’m an awesome artist, I can do anything!