Check me out! I recently did a guest voice on my friend’s stop motion animation show
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Check me out! I recently did a guest voice on my friend’s stop motion animation show
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Mario: Hi, I’d like these overalls and I’d like to pay by credit card.
Storekeeper: Whoah, hold on there, sonny Jim, you want these overalls?
M: Yeah. The blue ones.
S: Uh, son, I have to ask…are you farm folk?
M: What? What are -
S: ‘Cuz you don’t look like farm folk, and really, these coveralls are made for farm folk. About 6′1″, most of which is torso, with stubby legs and a belly made of biscuits and bacon. And you…well, son, I don’t think these are the coveralls for you.
M: No, no, I’m not a farmer -
S: Farm folk.
M: Right, sure, I’m not farm folk, but I still need these for a costume.
S: Halloween? Or that Marty Grah?
M: Um…comic con?
S: Say what now?
M: I’m going to be Mario…
S: Marry me? The hell?
M: Look, I’ll pay cash if it’s too much of a hassle. I just need them for a costume.
S: Son, I hate to break it to you, but you’re not farm folk. If you’ve seen the sign out front, we’re a seed and farm supply store, we’re not a costume store. I’m seen selling to you, we’re going to lose some clientele, and that’s a lot. Poundage-wise, that’s a whole lot.
M: I…ugh. This is such a hassle.
S: Here, I have an idea. Let me dress you in this flannel…good, good…then I’m going to need to feed you these biscuits and gravy.
M: Uh…
S: Yeah, eat more. Get that gravy drippin’ down your chin…right…just like that. Now let me sprinkle some of this hay on you…good…
Later, at the Comic Con
Friend: Aw man, Corey, that’s an awesome Mario costume! Where’d you get those awesome overalls?
Mario: Uh…mail order.
To let you dear readers in on these projects, check out my article on Yankee Pot Roast!
They even changed the site logo to go with my Disney-themed article!
If you haven’t noticed, I love Disney World. Not as much the Disney product, but the Disney experience. The humor article is all about fake Disney cut-backs, and if I told you it was funny I’d just sound pathetic. It’s humor, it’s supposed to be funny. Assume that.
So a nice feather in the cap, and something funny for you to read. Enjoy!
I stumbled across this little gem on a comic site. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO OUR STAR WARS?
- Chewbacca looks like a dog. A shaggy dog. An ugly dog with eyes that are spread way too far apart. I’m not exactly sure what Chewbacca was supposed to represent in the films, if he was a bear/man hybrid or a dog/man hybrid or just a dude covered in hair, but he wasn’t supposed to look that much like a dog with huge hands. Oh, and his eyebrows are out of f-ing control and need to be slashed and burned.
- C3P0 looks, well, gay. A lot has been made of how the droids are gay for each other, mostly because of C3P0’s prissy fussing over R2-D2 and his whining when the two of them are separated. I didn’t believe this was the case for years. Droids? Gay? That’s illogical. Prissy? Sure. British? Sure. A tad effeminite? Sure. But gay? Nah, not those droids. But then I watched the movies again, all in a row, and holy shizzit, it leaps off the screen like Andy Dick riding a unicorn, a unicorn that’s wearing a pride shirt. This cover, showing the limp-wristed robot, just hammers another space nail in the space coffin.
- Han Solo doesn’t change his clothes. Ever.
- Luke is wearing…um…a cut-off shirt with buttons. With the collar popped. Nowadays an editor would stomp on that like Godzilla kills Tokyo, but in the 80’s I suspect that more people not involved with leather bars were wearing this and it slipped by. Oh, and his right thigh is twice as big as his left, making him some hobbling freak Jedi with hair that’s scarily like mine.
- What the hell is the one-legged insect thing on the right of the cover? Not in any Star Wars movie I’ve ever seen. Big cartoony eyes wouldn’t have gotten the thumbs up from Lucas, although when you see the cantina patrons in the Star Wars Christmas Special, you realize that a lot of lousy work was done on these films. Gone are the days of scary Darth Vader, the sadistic Emperor, and the intriguing Boba Fett. Say hello to…one-legged insect thing wearing khakis and striped shirt, with goose-neck microphone sticking out of his head and a bad toupee.
-Rabbits? RABBITS? Ha ha, there’s no need for space rabbits mixed into my Star Wars. They’re cute, but they don’t belong. Our heroes go from strangling Jabba the Hutt and slicing off their dad’s hands to herding fucking space rabbits? Why wasn’t this addressed in the prequels? Did everyone just forget about the adorable space rabbits?
-They streamlined R2-D2? Remember all those knobs and buttons on R2-D2? Well, they’re hard to draw, so sometimes artists just eliminate them and make R2 look like a giant white pill on stilts. Sometimes, they even do this on the cover.
- When did Lando Calrissian become the Cesar Romero of space? This is the one that had me scratching my head. What the hell happened, Billy Dee? What writer made you into a cigar-chomping guy in a cravat, airplane collar, and French cuffs that gets held by a wookie? Why are you wearing purple and green with black pants? Why is your hair blue? WHAT HAPPENED TO LANDO?
Luckily, this was the last issue. I can only imagine the horrors that would have followed if these mistakes were allowed to live.
An antique store had opened in downtown Easton and it was full of all kinds of glorious mysteries, like ’50s men’s magazines and signs that said “whites only” and other fun stuff that a kid can enjoy when he has an afternoon off and he can get a ride to downtown. And since I liked the Beatles, I asked the owner if he had any Beatles stuff. No, he said. Well, if you get any, can you give me a call? Sure. Oh wait, we do have something. Here, this doll is George Harrison.
Notice that the box says “New Kids on the Block.”
Also, consider that “George” was out of the box. No box in sight. So I paid $20 for “George Harrison”. He kind of looks like later George Harrison. Except he’s really Jordan Knight from NKOTB.
So flash forward to today, 2009. I STILL have “George Harrison” on my bookshelf. I know full well it’s Jordan Knight, but I always have a laugh explaining that it’s George Harrison to people, most of whom realize it’s Jordan Knight.
The antique store closed. Pretty soon after I went away to college. I guess the $20 they ripped off of me couldn’t save them from going under. I hope their children hate them.
The moral of the story? ALWAYS KNOW YOUR DEALER.
They’re from Mark Buckingham’s run on Batman: Shadow of the Bat, specifically pages 16 and 18 of issue #78. It’s part of the “No Man’s Land” storyline, where the Mad Hatter goes through the remains of Gotham City to search for his hat collection. The cool part? They’re a series, page 16 and 17. They tell a short story!
Here’s the piece:
It’s page 14 of Batman and the Outsiders #11, by Ryan Benjamin and Saleem Crawford. In order from top, Arkham Asylum, the Mad Hatter, Clayface, Mr. Freeze, and Mr. Zsasz. Some more pieces will be coming shortly.
Thumper
Bambi
This is a costume. Of a bunny. An animated bunny. A person has to crawl inside of it and walk around to entertain children. Luckily, children have never seen the classic film Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Bette Davis and Joan Crawford. Have you?
Well, now you get the gist of it, and understand why I chose Thumper to hold up to ridicule. Seriously, rabbit, that’s just a bad make-up job. It reminds me of a woman I was standing next to the other day with way too much eyebrow pencil. Both of them looked freaky, however one is a rabbit. (Rabbits don’t wear make-up, unless they’re part of animal cosmetic testing. Thumper might be making some extra dough on the side.)
Rebecca
TailSpin
Rebecca was the motherly figure in the Disney Afternoon show TailSpin and she looks generally the same in this photo as she did on the show. Except for her monster animal head on her normal-sized body. I don’t see many children these days recalling the Disney Afternoon show enough to run up to Rebecca for a photo, so I imagine she wanders aimlessly around the park, posing for pictures with very confused park attendees. The excitement level for Rebecca has to be very low, since she wasn’t the break-out star of TailSpin and certainly never anyone’s favorite (unless they were into anthropomorphic bears who dressed in mom clothes which, sadly exist). I understand the difficulty putting costumes together, but sweat pants? Really? I’m sure there are a few mothers walking around the park right at this very moment wearing something similar, possibly smelling like spilled beer and crushed up Oxycontin.
Gideon
Pinocchio
So what do you remember about Gideon, eh? Well, before doing some wiki-research, all I remembered was that he was a bad guy somehow. A bad guy with a goofy grin. Then I read the synopsis of Pinocchio and learned that he and his fox friend, Honest John, sell Pinocchio into slavery twice. The first time it’s to Stromboli (remember him and his awful costume?) and the second time it’s to “The Coachman” who kidnaps the antagonist away to Pleasure Island where he’s turned into a donkey after drinking and smoking (they CAN’T get away with that in Disney films anymore, trust me). BUT THERE’S MORE. Gideon appears in the original Pinocchio, as well as Honest John. What do they do? Nothing so easy as slavery and kidnapping, no sir. They get their hands dirty in the original text.
They hang Pinocchio from a tree, trying to make him vomit gold coins.
Later Pinocchio bites Gideon’s hand off (I am 100% serious) and he goes blind. This didn’t make it into the Disney film, but damn, do you really want him hunched over your kids like that?
Radcliffe
Pocahontas
It’s an awkward hat contest! Winner is…the kid who didn’t wear a hat! Radcliffe has to be one of the most unlikable Disney characters ever created. In the film he did nothing positive at all, was not funny, and was often racist, mean, and imperialistic. The animators drew him as unattractive as possible, which translated into this costume. Everything about this guy screams “BAD” but of course he gets the costume anyway. The part I love is that the head is sculpted to make Radcliffe look as bored with the tourists as possible, which is good because these kids seem about as excited to pose with Radcliffe as they would to pose with someone who worked at a bank.
The Sheriff of Nottingham
Robin Hood
Another completely mean-spirited character who walks around posing with kids. Big props to the girl in the sorcerer’s hat who is once again willing to have her photo taken with characters she has absolutely no memory of. There’s no love here, no appreciation, not even any animosity towards a badger who stole money from poor people and locked them in jail. There isn’t even a hint of recognition going on here. Just pose next to the big furry thing, and in a few years, when you’re older, you might remember the movie.
Free watch if you’re interested in Tupac? How do these add up? And what is the goal of this study? To learn more about men who are interested in Tupac, or to just get rid of a bunch of hot watches?