This week in Netflix: a Review

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week? Well, we have a few of them.

Sunday School Musical

When financial woes threaten their church’s future, a group of teens, led by one talented performer, enters a song and dance competition in hopes of winning a heavenly cash prize. Starring Candise Lakota as Savannah, this heartwarming and energetic Christian spin on the tremendously popular High School Musical franchise features 21 songs, including seven originals by composer Don Raymond. Rachel Goldenberg directs.

Financial woes. The old song and dance (ha ha ha) that has been known to organize kids into starting musicals. By doing a little bit of research (ie, looking for another synopsis), it looks like the church is going to be torn down. That’s right, a church is a little arrears on the rent, and the whole thing is going to be gone. That, to me, is next to impossible. If a greedy developer was trying to take over the land, the odds are that there would be huge legal battles involved with evicting and then demolishing a church. If they owe back rent, then the most expensive thing to do would be to tear it down - demolition costs cash, which is why you see churches for sale these days. And how dire is the financial situation if it can be solved by entering a talent show? The choices are come up with the money you win in a talent show OR LOSE EVERYTHING. Doesn’t add up.

Plus, if the church was important enough to save it should have enough support from the community/diocese/historic preservation to stay afloat. Otherwise the church folds but the congregation moves on to other things. Like a smaller, more affordable space. The church is people, not brick and mortar, it will survive wherever people take it. So this really is about kids who don’t want to lose a building that no one else is fighting for. What a great movie! No wonder this religious knock-off of a popular franchise only got 2 stars from Netflix, less than Curse of Alcatraz!

Half a Person

When Mark (Michael Majeski), a young gay man, and his straight best friend, Alex (Nigel Smith), leave their hometown for the big city, Mark exposes a self-destructive streak, while Alex must confront a painful secret from his past. But as they reveal more of their true selves, their hidden feelings for each other drive them to a decision that changes their lives forever. Adam Santangelo directs this sensitive coming-of-age drama.

Not much to say, other than I finally decoded the Netflix website. If a movie is called a “coming-of-age” anything, it’s really code for “and then I figured out I was gay.” Next movie.

Fiesta Grand

When Monica dumps her overbearing boyfriend, Rueben, and becomes engaged to sweet but poor James, her parents disapprove and scheme with Rueben to sabotage the engagement. Meanwhile, James’s pals are planning to throw a wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. Can James and Monica navigate interfering relatives and well-meaning friends and actually make it to the altar? Josué Gutierrez and Lyanna Tumaneng star in this comedy.

Wow. A wild bachelor party that could land the groom in hot water. That sure makes for a fun twist. Wow. Can’t wait to see this, it looks stellar. Really breaks new ground.

Now imagine how different that paragraph would have sounded if I used exclamation points instead of periods. Now realize why I didn’t. It’s the problem of too many subplots. Why mention the bachelor party? How is this different than so many other awful wedding movies? And why did the one reviewer on the site give it 4 out of 5 stars and say it was “must see?” My guess is they were cast or crew, since Netflix gives it less than 2 stars.

Birds of America

With only his daffy neighbor (Hilary Swank) offering a diversion from his daily grind, Morrie (Matthew Perry) feels stifled by his suburban life and career. But circumstances change when he’s forced to reconcile with his younger brother and sister (Ben Foster and Ginnifer Goodwin). They resented him as a surrogate father when they were growing up, but now, their freewheeling ways just may be Morrie’s salvation. Daniel Eric Gold co-stars.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Matthew Perry should take a break from his film career and give television a go.

Let’s swim to the moon

I keep checking out LPlover.com for some classic oddball albums and I’m going to keep posting some of the winners over here. Why? They funny! They make-a you laugh!

Except this one.

There is so, so much wrong with this particular album, entitled “To conquer the moon,” that I should be calling up the French League of Decency, except they don’t exist.

For starters, what’s being depicted on this cover? A large man taking a little boy past a launching rocket. Perhaps this man is taking the boy on a trip through the awesome world of space exploration, starting with a lunar rocket launch, much like a Disney World ride. It would kind of make sense then, although the child would be burned to a little cinder since they’re so close to the exhaust area of the rocket.

But what’s really going on? The man is much, much larger than the boy, which could be to show that he has the higher status on this cover. He looks angry, like he’s determined to get the kid somewhere and the rocket is just a distraction on their way to…wherever they’re going. “Stop looking that way, we’re going to the rest stop toilet.” Not only that, what the hell is he wearing? A real astronaut’s uniform has all kinds of gadgets on the front. See?

Tubes and valves and gauges. This guy on the cover is wearing coveralls with a cargo pocket, a collar, and two patches. He’s not an astronaut. It’s very obvious that this man made an astronaut-like suit so he could bait children with it. It really isn’t anything convincing, unless you’re at a shuttle launch with your folks and you expect to see NASA people walking around. He’s got a bulge in his pants that would put a pornstar to shame as well. And the launching rocket, well, that’s Freudian for ya. Sometimes a rocket isn’t just a rocket.

This boy is being abducted for sinister purposes. And it’s all captured on the cover of a French album about space exploration.

Found on eBay: Love

Every now and then I pop over to eBay and do a search for a very broad term, just to see what oddities come up. Today I did a search for “LOVE”. Let’s see what I found!

Native Baby Pouch Sling Papoose - Bundle with Love -NEW

If you can’t tell, it’s a little sling that looks like a duffel bag made in a third world country. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that it looks like Matthew McConaughey is endorsing this through his use of devil horns. I doubt that’s true, and if it was, is Matthew McConaughey really the face you want associated with your brand? He’s not well-known for being level-headed or clear thinking. The rest of the auction is filled up with about 50 pictures of other celebrities using the papoose, mostly Kerri Russell looking not interested.

Psychic love reading from Flora - unlimited questions

Bidders beware! You are not bidding on this fetching young(ish) lady! You are giving money for a phone call so she can talk to dead people for you! And then dead people will tell you about your love troubles! Don’t believe me? Here’s the description, the capitalization is hers (the dead are hard of hearing and she must yell):

MY NAME IS FLORA.

I FEEL SPIRIT FEELS EMPATHY, AS THEY HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED THESE PROBLEMS, WHEN ON THE EARTH PLANE AND I WOULD LIKE TO OFFER YOU THE CHANCE TO USE MY INSIGHT AND SPIRITUAL GUIDANCE, IN ANY LOVE PROBLEMS YOU MIGHT HAVE.

Why limit yourself to love, Flora? If the dead are speaking through you, don’t they have better things to tell you than “tell him he’s going to meet a brunette”? This is our channel to God and what’s it being used for? Crush advice. You make me sick. And that’s even without reading feedback by her fans, one of whom is named “!galadriel!”

The Man Who Loves Women! - Dimples (CD 1994)

Dimples is a man who wants give you the sex thing. He’s not too skilled with design tools, as evidenced by his CD, and I’m guessing his grasp of English isn’t too hot, as evidenced by the Borat-esque title. To that end, I’d like to give his commentary for his track listings (ok, I’m making it up):

I Wish Mama Was Here Tonight!: A soulful ballad where I have sex thing with woman but I think of mother.
Don’t Turn Your Back On My Love: My love am here to stay, it will not go away on you with others. Okay!
Natural High: I get drink drunk on wine and sex thing.
I Do The Job: I work daytime at Payless, but I makes money to buying nice things for woman. I love woman!
Rainbow ‘95: I make mistake in Bangaladesh college in 1995 and go to wrong door for sex thing.
Good “N” Plenty: I will buy you candies if you having sex with me. I live two blocks away from drugstore.
I’m Hooked On Your Lovin’: Dimples is lonely man.
Meet Me Tonight!: Internet date is cute but she no email me so I propose meet tonight! Aha!
Freaky Lover: I have not met one of these, but I read about them in book.
You Can Have My Heart: I gave heart to woman in Bangaladesh college but she no go there and I cannot find her. I feel ashamed.
Sugar Boom Boom: This comedy song. Big hit at shows.
I Want Love In My Sex: I am not serious, I will take sex thing without love. I will pay money or pay off your student loans.
I’ll Try Something New: This is a Smokey Robinson cover.

Lee Middleton ” HONEY LOVE DUCK Green ” NIB

Last time I saw a doll with that face and the word “love” in its name, let’s just say it wasn’t for sale on eBay.

3-X SIGN LANGUAGE T SHIRT..I LOVE SIGN LANGUAGE

The setup and the punchline don’t work together. No one should be warning someone that they love something, especially something as benign as sign language. I could understand a shirt that said “WARNING! I love Hitler’s ideals and his book Mein Kampf!” or “WARNING! I love rubbing against girls on the train”, especially if it’s a part of a community service deal, but sign language? Maybe it’s warning people that you’re wearing a 3XL shirt and approaching you rapidly.

Jail Bait Bird PRISONER OF LOVE Costume S-M CONVICT HAT

This is a STRICT prison, if you’re not allowed to keep your head attached to your torso. “Prisoner of Love” my ass, Prisoner of Taliban more like it. One of the costume’s previous wearers is modeling this, but unfortunately she was caught outside after 4PM and well, you can see what happens to law breakers.

Stunning Mother’s Love oil painting by William Schimmel

This painting is being made available to people who live in an area where they can’t get this airbrushed on their van. This is, quite possibly, the ugliest thing i’ve ever encountered, and I’ve watched both the Elephant Man and the GG Allin biography. A snow leopard and cub in front of blue and red mountains and a moon floating underneath. Is this missing a band logo somewhere? Should there be a wizard in this?

Alas, Jonathan Kent

The news today made mention of Jonathan Kent, Superman’s adopted father, passing away in the pages of Action Comics. For a man who’s been around since before my grandparents were married, he’s had a good run of things, and the fact that he is violently killed by Brainiac one ups the usual assumption that he would die from old age. A good man down.

In tribute to this great adoptive father, I’m putting up a Superman meme that I put together a few months ago. Here’s the blank:

What can you do with it? Put one together and post a link to it in the comments section! Here are a few of mine:

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

And I promise, when my home computer gets fixed I’ll put up my Baltimore Comic Con photos! I hate not being able to update!

Catchy tunes to get your feet a-tappin’

I found this little gem over at LP Lover and it was so odd that I needed to borrow it for Feed Me A Kitten (thanks!).

Things are laid-back on side one, where we talk about the Chairman and how he’s doing, as well as thinking we’re sunflowers. The sunflower is probably symbolic, but as I haven’t heard the album and the screechy kids who sing it, I’m going to let the matter drop. Then on side two, things get serious. Repudiation meetings! Growing stronger in the fight! Everything sung in unison! (which is appropriate) The killer hit, number 1 with a bullet, has to be “Criticize Lin Piao and Discredit Him Completely,” which I would almost expect to be covered by Rage Against the Machine on an upcoming album. Get out on the dance floor and sing in unison! Buy the cassingle! March with your friends!

What our kids are wearing

Yes, yes, I know I’ve promised you Disney pictures and Baltimore Comic Con pictures, but the re-sizing of them all keeps freezing my computer up and it’ll take a little time. Sue me, I’ve been busy and 5 hours in the car to and from Baltimore knocks a lot out of you.

Buuuuuut, here’s more fun and enjoyment. You see, Halloween is right around the corner, and that means costumes. I haven’t chosen mine yet, or even if I’ll have an occasion to wear one, but it doesn’t stop me from looking. How can I not, with pop-up ads launching at every comic-themed webpage I visit? Here are a few I found this morning.

I don’t see this Joker as being that scary. In fact, I think of him more as a talk show host giving a monologue. Sure, his face is a little bobble-headed, and his mouth is a little tiny, but he’s more or less Leno. They’ve taken a truly horrifying character and turned it into…well, they cleaned him up. Purple lab jacket and green vest do not a Joker make.

The Scarecrow costume from the Warner Brothers store doesn’t fare much better. The smock is a little too nice, although they did a good job with the asylum straps. But the face? Is he Booger Head Scarecrow? Is it a leftover Star Wars mask? How do you get Scarecrow out of that? Maybe they had to clear out their stock of “Last Starfighter” masks and figured they could unload them on Bat-fans.

That’s the Last Starfighter dude. Not 100%, but way more accurate than the Scarecrow mask that, if memory serves, is supposed to be made of fabric.

Wanna know where you’ve seen Sonic Troopers before? 4th-rate costume catalogues. They are the generic versions of Power Rangers for kids who aren’t that into details. Any kid would look at these and say, “Dear God, this is a pile of rip-off s***.” I did an internet search for Sonic Troopers and the only things that came up were more costume sites offering the same knock-off crap. The scary part is that these would be perfectly acceptable costumes for a Japanese TV show. I wouldn’t be shocked if I saw these on japanese TV as some new superhero squad. As an aside, I’d like a street gang to name themselves the Sonic Troopers, kill and rape a few dozen people, then destroy a building. Then, out-of-touch grandmothers could buy their grandkids these costumes and say “oh, it’s a Sonic Trooper costume, honey,” and cause controversy.

Hey kids! Love that great movie Jurassic Park? Sure, it came out before your parents were married and you may have been absolutely frightened while watching it, but didn’t you love the triceratops? You remember, it was the dinosaur that was sick and didn’t get up and move or anything. You remember that, right? Well, here’s a costume that’s tangentially related to that movie! It’s…well, it’s a nifty triceratops mask! And pajamas with a triceratops on it! Mostly blue, not much triceratops, but it still qualifies as a costume! Mostly just the mask part. An absolute must for out-of-touch grandparents.

There’s little to be said about this Batman costume, other than he looks sad. His ears are shrunken, his nose is awkwardly pointy, and his face isn’t angry or menacing, it’s more of a “poor me” expression. Poor Batman. You look like a damn fool.

And there’s Muppet costumes too! Here’s Animal! Yes, the out-of-control drummer for the Electric Mayhem is faithfully rendered into a costume for your child by someone who has not seen an episode of the Muppets in their lives and designed the costume based on someone’s description over the phone. More or less looks like Elmo with squinty eyes, an underbite, and a unibrow. Any kid would love to wear this costume, especially if they love being stuffed in lockers and forced to eat dog poop.

But there’s not much that’s going to beat Fozzie Bear, who looks like he’s been drunk for the better part of the week. The nose is huge and red, the eyes are shifty and the wrong shade of purple, and your child will be emerging from Fozzie’s larynx. Here’s a photo of the real Fozzie for comparison:

Notice that his mouth isn’t a small red line, and that his fingers aren’t black. This costume is probably unlicensed, since the Henson company actually have some pride in their creations. Drunk Fozzie would not have passed muster.

Where’s Ethan this weekend?

Your ol’ pal Ethan is going to take another trip to the wilds of conventionland to bring back more bloody Fiji Mermaids and Jenny Hanivers for your blog-reading perusal! That’s right, you heard right, I’m planning another series of articles based on my upcoming trip to the Baltimore Comic Con!

I’m only sticking around for the day, so I will have to be extra vigilant to catch the weirdness as it happens around me. I expect costumes, exhibitions, and the occasional mind-blowingly insane table of garbage, like at most cons. If you’re going to be at the con on Saturday I’ll be the guy who looks like this:

Maybe I’ll even wear the Mao T-shirt so you can recognize me. Say hello! I’d like to know if anyone reads this blog!

Sadly, even though I will be in Baltimore, I will not be able to visit my favorite roadside attraction, the Great Blacks in Wax wax museum. I will not be able to take pictures of Rosa Parks being thrown off a bus.

The Wonderful World of Disney and Muppets

More vacation photos from the crazy world of Disney!

This sign was all over the parks. It translates to “please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times,” but I felt that it was more like, “do not have a wild, awesome party inside the car. You and your kid. No party.”

The Muppets got bought up by Disney sometime in the early 90’s, so they have their own little corner of Disney World. Specifically, they have their own 3-D movie at Hollywood Studios (I did not have a fun time there, but that’s a story for another time). It’s kinda sad, the once-great Muppet empire reduced to half of a Disney gift shop, but they did get some of their own stuff for sale. Nothing unique, nothing that I picked up, but once you see what was for sale, you can understand why my wallet didn’t open.

When Kermit is decapitated, he doesn’t die. His head grows tentacles like some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare. He is evil in this form.

Kermit also suffers from an infectious gum disease, not helped by the fact that he has no teeth. It’s nasty and rotted in there. Beaker, on the other hand, is just bleeding from the mouth. It’s sad, the dental problems of Muppets these days.

This week in Netflix

Every week, the DVD-through-the-mail site Netflix announces new DVDs for rental. Most are films that never got a theatrical release. Ethan Kaye brings you This Week In Netflix, the most inexplicable actual description of an actual film actually posted by the Netflix staff.

This week?

Rape is a Circle

Part sexploitation flick, part drama, part low-budget thriller, this film explores the theory that cruelty creates ripples leading to further cruelty. Two young women hitch a ride, unaware that the driver who picks them up is a dangerous brute. Despite their desperate attempts to escape, he overpowers them and subjects them to unspeakable perversions. As the humiliations continue, the friendship between the two women becomes irreversibly damaged.

Really, the only reason I posted this was because I laughed pretty hard the first two or three times I read the last sentence of this description.

Also, from the customer reviews, it turns out the driver is a woman and the “he overpowers them” is a typo.

Weird Overheard in Disney Moment

Recovering from Disney has been longer than anticipated, and I haven’t blogged as much as I wanted to (or added the pictures up on Facebook yet, since they all have to be re-sized). So the updates are a little slow for now. Hell, I haven’t even unpacked and my apartment’s a mess.

But, while I have a second, let me throw you a little bone of joy, from the day I checked out. There was a middle-aged man checking out next to me and was (presumably) arguing over his bill. He and the concierge were going over some of the big ticket items on his bill and he was vehemently defending them. Until…

CONCIERGE: And how many times did you go to the Hoop Dee Doo Musical Review?
MAN (sheepishly): . . . three . . .

Sir, you have been CAUGHT attending multiple performances of the Hoop Dee Doo Musical Review! Hope it was worth it, those tickets are expensive.